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Kid going away with friends



 
 
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  #1  
Old August 13th 04, 06:48 PM
Nevermind
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Default Kid going away with friends

My 9 YO has been invited to go about 12 hours away for an entire week
with the family of a friend of his. This friend is a good friend, but
not someone he spends a ton of time with. Two overnight get-togethers
have gone well. My son is very sociable but also gets cranky and needs
alone time on a regular basis. The family is not an issue; I trust
them safety-wise, and they're also nice people. However, 9 seems too
young to me to have a child be that far away from home for an entire
week, and I worry about him getting sick of the family (his friend and
two younger sisters, mom, and dad) half-way through the week.

Problem is, the place they're going is a great place to go, both fun
and educational. I feel guilty about not letting him go, both because
I know it would be a great place for him to go (not that that means he
has to go this year) and because the other mother really wants him to
go for her son's sake.

Any thoughts? Are we just being babies about our "baby"?

  #2  
Old August 13th 04, 09:05 PM
Scott
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Default Kid going away with friends

Nevermind wrote:
My 9 YO has been invited to go about 12 hours away for an entire week
with the family of a friend of his. This friend is a good friend, but
not someone he spends a ton of time with. Two overnight get-togethers
have gone well. My son is very sociable but also gets cranky and needs
alone time on a regular basis. The family is not an issue; I trust
them safety-wise, and they're also nice people. However, 9 seems too
young to me to have a child be that far away from home for an entire
week, and I worry about him getting sick of the family (his friend and
two younger sisters, mom, and dad) half-way through the week.

Problem is, the place they're going is a great place to go, both fun
and educational. I feel guilty about not letting him go, both because
I know it would be a great place for him to go (not that that means he
has to go this year) and because the other mother really wants him to
go for her son's sake.

Any thoughts? Are we just being babies about our "baby"?


DD went off to camp for a week this year with a friend
and friend's family. She's just turned 11. I was
worried. She had a complete blast. I'm not certain
we would have sent her away 2 years ago -- but she
would have just turned 9.

What does your son say about your concerns? Does he think
he can handle the family for a week? I'd follow his lead in
that respect. If you trust the family send him along. But
beware! The house will seem VERY empty when he's gone.


Scott DD 11 and DS 8

  #3  
Old August 14th 04, 01:57 AM
Rosalie B.
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Default Kid going away with friends

(Nevermind) wrote:

My 9 YO has been invited to go about 12 hours away for an entire week
with the family of a friend of his. This friend is a good friend, but
not someone he spends a ton of time with. Two overnight get-togethers
have gone well. My son is very sociable but also gets cranky and needs
alone time on a regular basis. The family is not an issue; I trust
them safety-wise, and they're also nice people. However, 9 seems too
young to me to have a child be that far away from home for an entire
week, and I worry about him getting sick of the family (his friend and
two younger sisters, mom, and dad) half-way through the week.

Problem is, the place they're going is a great place to go, both fun
and educational. I feel guilty about not letting him go, both because
I know it would be a great place for him to go (not that that means he
has to go this year) and because the other mother really wants him to
go for her son's sake.

Any thoughts? Are we just being babies about our "baby"?


Has he been to camp or anything like that? By the time dd#1 was 10,
she had been both to daycamp and to overnight camp for a week (and she
went when she was 9), and when she was almost 11 she went to a
primitive horseback riding camp for a week. DD#2 went younger than
dd#1 - I think she was only a Brownie when she went to Girl Scout
camp, and she went at the youngest age that was allowed - I don't
think she was more than 7 or 8.

I personally would let him go, but ask the other mom both to make sure
he gets time alone if he gets cranky, and also to let you know so he
can come home if he gets too homesick. But DON'T tell him that
because I think that will mean that you expect him to fail.


grandma Rosalie

  #4  
Old August 14th 04, 02:26 AM
dragonlady
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Default Kid going away with friends

In article ,
(Nevermind) wrote:

My 9 YO has been invited to go about 12 hours away for an entire week
with the family of a friend of his. This friend is a good friend, but
not someone he spends a ton of time with. Two overnight get-togethers
have gone well. My son is very sociable but also gets cranky and needs
alone time on a regular basis. The family is not an issue; I trust
them safety-wise, and they're also nice people. However, 9 seems too
young to me to have a child be that far away from home for an entire
week, and I worry about him getting sick of the family (his friend and
two younger sisters, mom, and dad) half-way through the week.

Problem is, the place they're going is a great place to go, both fun
and educational. I feel guilty about not letting him go, both because
I know it would be a great place for him to go (not that that means he
has to go this year) and because the other mother really wants him to
go for her son's sake.

Any thoughts? Are we just being babies about our "baby"?


How does your son feel about it?

If you trust the family, and he gets along well with the whole family,
I'd say let him go. He'll have a good time, and will be glad to get
back home. The other boy will have a better time with a friend along,
and it will be easier for the parents to have a friend along for their
son. You will want to tell the other family that he gets cranky if he
doesn't have some time to himself.

And you will be extra glad to have him back home again.

In my opinion, the vast majority of nine year olds are old enough to be
away for a week.

And it's REALLY hard to let go!
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

  #5  
Old August 14th 04, 02:27 AM
Louise
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Default Kid going away with friends

On Fri, 13 Aug 2004 13:48:26 EDT, (Nevermind)
wrote:

My 9 YO has been invited to go about 12 hours away for an entire week
with the family of a friend of his. This friend is a good friend, but
not someone he spends a ton of time with. Two overnight get-togethers
have gone well. My son is very sociable but also gets cranky and needs
alone time on a regular basis. The family is not an issue; I trust
them safety-wise, and they're also nice people. However, 9 seems too
young to me to have a child be that far away from home for an entire
week, and I worry about him getting sick of the family (his friend and
two younger sisters, mom, and dad) half-way through the week.

Problem is, the place they're going is a great place to go, both fun
and educational. I feel guilty about not letting him go, both because
I know it would be a great place for him to go (not that that means he
has to go this year) and because the other mother really wants him to
go for her son's sake.


Of course it's useful for you to talk to the other parents about how
your son acts and how to recognize when he needs quiet time.

But it's also valuable, whether or not your son ends up going on this
particular trip, for you to start helping *him* develop the tools and
vocabulary for pacing himself. Role-play with him how he can
recognize when he needs a few hours alone with a comic book or
television or whatever, and how he can say that politely to the other
kids and other parents. (If the other parents know ahead of time
that he is going to be asking for a quiet afternoon, they should be
more likely to recognize his signals.) We were very proud of our
daughter for being able to write about her need for alone time on her
camp medical form when she was about eleven. (there would have been
a parental note about that anyway, but she described it pretty well).

It might be useful to set up weekend visits in both directions, early
enough that you have time to talk about how that worked.


Oh, and if your son is away for a week, don't set him up for a visit
to grandma or other expectations of good behaviour right after he gets
back.

Louise

  #6  
Old August 14th 04, 04:46 PM
Nevermind
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Default

"Rosalie B." wrote
I personally would let him go, but ask the other mom both to make sure
he gets time alone if he gets cranky, and also to let you know so he
can come home if he gets too homesick. But DON'T tell him that
because I think that will mean that you expect him to fail.


Actually, he can't come home if he gets homesick. Only in an emergency
would we drive that far away to pick him up before the trip was over.

I feel more inclined to let him go, but my DH really doesn't. I feel
my DH is overcautious and too loathe to let go (he didn't want him
going on overnights until he was 8 -- he's our oldest), but the fact
is that I don't want to force the issue and then have my DH spend the
week feeling extremely nervous about our son. The issue of missing him
is one I think we would have to accept; it wouldn't be fair to prevent
him from doing something good for that reason alone. But my DH just
doesn't think he should be away from us for that long, that far away,
at that age. I will talk to him one more time about it today, but if
he still feels "no" as a gut reaction, I guess I'll have to go with it
even if I don't quite agree.

  #7  
Old August 14th 04, 05:44 PM
Cathy Kearns
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"Nevermind" wrote in message
m...
"Rosalie B." wrote
I personally would let him go, but ask the other mom both to make sure
he gets time alone if he gets cranky, and also to let you know so he
can come home if he gets too homesick. But DON'T tell him that
because I think that will mean that you expect him to fail.


Actually, he can't come home if he gets homesick. Only in an emergency
would we drive that far away to pick him up before the trip was over.

I feel more inclined to let him go, but my DH really doesn't. I feel
my DH is overcautious and too loathe to let go (he didn't want him
going on overnights until he was 8 -- he's our oldest), but the fact
is that I don't want to force the issue and then have my DH spend the
week feeling extremely nervous about our son. The issue of missing him
is one I think we would have to accept; it wouldn't be fair to prevent
him from doing something good for that reason alone. But my DH just
doesn't think he should be away from us for that long, that far away,
at that age. I will talk to him one more time about it today, but if
he still feels "no" as a gut reaction, I guess I'll have to go with it
even if I don't quite agree.


This is one of the few cases where I feel the child has a big
say into whether he wants to go or not. My kids did go away
for weeks at a time at a younger age. (Sleep away camp,
for a week, at age 7) But, I only let them go if they begged.
They had to really, really, really want to go. And both of them
did. The begging helps convince both parents, and they are
on their best behavior for the trip. My oldest's first sleep
away camp was 10 days, at age 7, with a friend, to a camp
I hadn't heard of but her mom checked out through her
Catholic school (my kids are not Catholic). The bus picked
them up and they were off. After 3 days I still hadn't got a
letter, so I called the friend's mother and the friend answered!!!
She was gotten kicked out for being too homesick, but my
daughter was still there, doing fine. As the girl said "Oh, she's
POPULAR!". We never did get a letter until after she got
back, and she came off the bus looking like pig pen from the
peanuts comic strip with a huge smile. This summer she's been
gone 6 our our 9 weeks of vacation, she's now 14. Our 10
year old is leaving this morning again, she will have been gone
half of the 9 weeks of summer vacation. Yep, we miss them
terribly. But darn it, they grow up no matter what we do.

  #8  
Old August 14th 04, 07:37 PM
dragonlady
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In article ,
(Nevermind) wrote:

"Rosalie B." wrote
I personally would let him go, but ask the other mom both to make sure
he gets time alone if he gets cranky, and also to let you know so he
can come home if he gets too homesick. But DON'T tell him that
because I think that will mean that you expect him to fail.


Actually, he can't come home if he gets homesick. Only in an emergency
would we drive that far away to pick him up before the trip was over.

I feel more inclined to let him go, but my DH really doesn't. I feel
my DH is overcautious and too loathe to let go (he didn't want him
going on overnights until he was 8 -- he's our oldest), but the fact
is that I don't want to force the issue and then have my DH spend the
week feeling extremely nervous about our son. The issue of missing him
is one I think we would have to accept; it wouldn't be fair to prevent
him from doing something good for that reason alone. But my DH just
doesn't think he should be away from us for that long, that far away,
at that age. I will talk to him one more time about it today, but if
he still feels "no" as a gut reaction, I guess I'll have to go with it
even if I don't quite agree.


I guess I'd talk to DH about what he thinks could be a problem with him
going with a friend's familiy for a week. What does he think will go
wrong? Is he afraid your son will get homesick? Is he afraid that
he'll lose touch with you and DH? Does he think your son will misbehave
without you and DH there to keep him in line?

And what age DOES he think is OK to spend a week away? Or what sort of
things would your son have to do to prove he's old enough? I find that
sometimes asking myself those questions (or, when DH and I have
disagreed, asking him) has helped us identify the source of our
discomfort, and helped us to either change our minds or confirm our
original decision.

I would also suggest he do some "reality checks" with other parents of
kids your son's age (what you are doing here). Whenever my kids told me
that I was being too restrictive/out of touch, I'd talk to friends who
had kids the same age or a little older. Most of the time, I was able
to come back and tell my kids they were wrong -- that LOTS of other
parents had the same restrictions I did. Once in a while, I had to come
back and tell them they were right -- my friends had convinced me that I
was being overly cautious, and most kids their age WERE allowed to [fill
in the blank]. At that point, I had to put things in place to make ME
feel more comfortable, and let it go.

In this case, maybe insisting on a phone call every day at a set time
would make his Dad more comfortable.
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

  #9  
Old August 15th 04, 02:14 PM
animzmirot
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"Nevermind" wrote in message
om...
My 9 YO has been invited to go about 12 hours away for an entire week
with the family of a friend of his. Any thoughts? Are we just being

babies about our "baby"?

Well, I guess it would depend upon how much you've let your child out of
your sight before this experience. My kids went to overnight camp for a
month when they were 9, and did just fine, so for me, this isn't a big
issue. In fact, DD, who is almost 12, will be going in a week to Paris with
a friend of hers for a week. This friend's father works in France and they
go back and forth all the time, and the daughter has brought pretty much
EVERY girl we know with her. Everyone get one turn, and this time, it's our
turn. I'm so jealous I could scream! But I've checked with a bunch of the
other moms about their daughter's experiences and everyone seems to feel the
same way, that's it's been REALLY a great, all expenses paid, vacation for
their daughters, so I'm letting my kid go for her birthday! She's beyond
excited.

If you know the parents, and think you child will be safe and have fun, of
course let him go. It's not that he's leaving the country (gulp) or
anything, and he'll have so much fun. It's a good thing for kids to see how
other families live. He might come home with a new appreciation for his own
family. You never know!

Marjorie



  #10  
Old August 15th 04, 05:35 PM
Nevermind
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dragonlady wrote
I feel more inclined to let him go, but my DH really doesn't. I feel
my DH is overcautious and too loathe to let go (he didn't want him
going on overnights until he was 8 -- he's our oldest), but the fact
is that I don't want to force the issue and then have my DH spend the
week feeling extremely nervous about our son. The issue of missing him
is one I think we would have to accept; it wouldn't be fair to prevent
him from doing something good for that reason alone. But my DH just
doesn't think he should be away from us for that long, that far away,
at that age. I will talk to him one more time about it today, but if
he still feels "no" as a gut reaction, I guess I'll have to go with it
even if I don't quite agree.


I guess I'd talk to DH about what he thinks could be a problem with him
going with a friend's familiy for a week. What does he think will go
wrong? Is he afraid your son will get homesick? Is he afraid that
he'll lose touch with you and DH? Does he think your son will misbehave
without you and DH there to keep him in line?


It is pure gut feeling on his part. I recently read a relevant quote
somewhere that said (perhaps not the exact words): "You can't reason
someone out of something they didn't reason themselves into." Now, he
would defer to me if I insisted, and I have in the past insisted that
the kids be allowed to do things he was not ready for them to do, such
as overnights. But I persoanlly do not feel comfortable insisting in
this case because it is such a biggie. It's one thing to do without
your kid for a night when you didn't feel OK about them going. Quite
another for an entire week, with the kid being so far away. I cannot
take responsibility for that without his true consent -- not yet
anyway.

I would also suggest he do some "reality checks" with other parents of
kids your son's age (what you are doing here).


Yes, I think that might help in general, if not this time. I myself
was pretty surprised to have gotten only positive responses to my
question (keeping in mind it was an incredibly small group of
respondents). I really expected the responses to be more like, "A
whole week that far away at that age!?" LOL. Thanks!

 




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