Spoiling a baby/attachment parenting

This debate is raging around my house. Extended family, who had babies in a
different era, are insisting we need to nip things in the bud. I want some
opinions. And yep-- I own Dr. Sears "The Baby Book" and think attachment
parenting is the style for me.

I feel so close and in tune with my baby and breastfeeding is enhancing that
bond. I never thought I'd cosleep but that is wonderful. And she's NEW-
she's just 2 weeks old! When she cries she always has a need. Her diaper
needs changing, she's hungry, cold/hot, or sometimes, she just wants to be
held. She WILL stay put down -- on my bed. She doesn't like the crib, and
she halfway tolerates the PackNPlay's bassinett which is right beside the
bed. I just think she wants to be put down where she realizes mommy and
daddy are close or come around often. Her crib is not as cozy IMO and that's
why she doesn't like it-- and we don't hang around in the nursery, there is
nowhere to sit.

People are insisting I am spoiling her. I believe you can't spoil babies. I
mean, do you BLAME them for wanting to be held and feel safe and secure and
comforted???? When she cries and all other needs have been met, and I pick
her up and stroke her and cuddle her, she smiles-- at 2 weeks old! And goes
right off to sleep cooing.

So people are telling us things that I'm sure you all can guess. "You've got
to get her used to her crib." "You've got to teach her to stay put down or
you'll never get anything done besides her." "You get her started sleeping
in your bed and you will have big problems getting her out!" (again-- she is
2 weeks old!! not 2 years old). "When you pick her up everytime she cries,
she will start crying every time you put her down." etc etc. "You are
creating a spoiled young 'un".

I so disagree! People act like the little 2 week old munchkin is being
manipulative or something. I do NOT think cosleeping with a breastfeeding
newborn is going to cause her to be 4 years old and not wanting to leave mom
and daddy's bed. I think in time, she WILL use her crib, when she is a
little older. I plan to cosleep with her while breastfeeding and she needs
to eat in the night. What are your opinions on this? I know what Dr. Sears
says but that's not convincing the extended family or my husband. My husband
thinks it IS spoiling her but he knows he himself can't help treating her
this way either, he hates to hear her cry, but his parents keep insisting to
him that we are doing it wrong and setting ourselves up for a big PITA one
day soon with a toddler who is needy and clingy. They need to butt out. They
are SO sure this is spoiling the baby, I will never get them to see any
differing opinion.

I have to admit-- Rachel DOES cry when she doesn't want anything other than
to be held. She doesn't always WANT to sleep alone, laid down...she wants to
sleep in my arms or in my husband's lap. She will go out like a light with
one of us holding her no matter how noisy the room is. She doesn't comfort
suck much, but she does get a lot of comfort in nursing. (it's just that
she's always latched on and eating-- not just improperly latched and comfort
sucking)...

Opinions? Am I doing her harm, spoiling her, creating a monster? IMO--No!
It's my very nature to parent her this way, my instinct. To me, it's just
being sensitive to her needs. And I think her needs are acceptable, normal,
and fine! What do people think she supposed to do, NOT want to be held? But
anyway, MIL/FIL didn't raise their kids in this style and even my parents
tell me we need to put her down and get her used to it.

You know it doesn't matter what they insist, I am going to keep treating my
baby the same, because I can't help it!

Jill

Jill,

Try not to listen to others.That's the biggest thing I've had to overcome
being a parent. Everyone has something to comment on no matter how you do
things. Go with your heart and you will be far better off.

Of course I dont think you can spoil a baby, she's only 2 weeks old! I STILL
do the same things with my 5 yr old!

With my 3 kids, I did things a little different with each one. My oldest
slept in a crib from the night she came home from the hospital. No problems,
she was a great sleeper. But, when she was about 18 mos old, she started
sleeping with us anyway! We then started to co-sleep on and off until her
brother was born. With him, we used a bassinette next to our bed until he
grew out of it, about 5 mos. And then he went into a crib with no
hesitation. With the littlest guy, we kept him right in our bed and now he's
in a crib. No problems at all with the transition. And some nights, I fall
asleep nursing him and he does spend the night in bed with us. Either way,
he's happy and so are we. Also, we still let the kids take turns sleeping in
bed with us. Mostly Noah, he is just a worrysome child and gets lots of
night fears. I dont think it has anything to do with him being spoiled, it's
just his personality and his need to feel secure.

It sounds like you're doing wonderfully and try not to let your
family/friends get to you.

Kari
mom to Kaylie (8) Noah (5) and Xander (7 mos)

"Jill" wrote in message
om...
This debate is raging around my house. Extended family, who had babies in
a
different era, are insisting we need to nip things in the bud. I want some
opinions. And yep-- I own Dr. Sears "The Baby Book" and think attachment
parenting is the style for me.

Jill, I'm so not an attachment parenting/Sears fan, it's not even funny.
But even *I* believe that it's impossible to spoil a tiny baby. Until
the baby is (at the earliest) 6 months old, you cannot, CANNOT spoil her.
Feed her on demand, carry her around with you if you want to (my daughter
was basically attached to my body all of her waking (I hate co-sleeping)
hours until she was 6 months old), and for heaven's sake, pick her up when
she cries if you want to.

Your instincts are very, very good.

Now, that being said, you certainly *may* do things to make your life easier
without affecting your daughter's attachment to you. You don't have to
co-sleep, you can put your daughter in a swing/play gym/bouncy chair to
entertain her when you want to get things done, or are simply feeling
touched out, you can put her in a crib/bassinette... None of these things
are wrong, and some may be really useful to you if you are feeling
overwhelmed and "touched out". BUT if you don't want to, you don't have to.


Again, use your own best judgement. What is right for you, and your baby,
is what you need to do. Again, your instincts are very good. You cannot
spoil a baby. Come back to the spoiling discussion when your daughter is
6-10 months old, and we (tinw) may have different advice for you then, but
for right now, do what feels right to you.

People are insisting I am spoiling her. I believe you can't spoil babies.
I
mean, do you BLAME them for wanting to be held and feel safe and secure
and
comforted???? When she cries and all other needs have been met, and I pick
her up and stroke her and cuddle her, she smiles-- at 2 weeks old! And
goes
right off to sleep cooing.

So people are telling us things that I'm sure you all can guess. "You've
got
to get her used to her crib." "You've got to teach her to stay put down or
you'll never get anything done besides her." "You get her started sleeping
in your bed and you will have big problems getting her out!" (again-- she
is
2 weeks old!! not 2 years old). "When you pick her up everytime she cries,
she will start crying every time you put her down." etc etc. "You are
creating a spoiled young 'un".

It sounds like what you need are a few responses that are going to soothe
the people you are talking to, without committing you to an action that you
don't plan on taking. My very best friend made a teriffic observation
to me a number of years ago, that I always keep in mind. "There is
absolutely no conncection between graciously listening to someone's advice,
and taking it." grin So I suggest the following mild statements
(followed by a sweet smile) when you get some advice which is wrong for you
and your sweetheart:

1) Really? I didn't know that.
2) No kidding.
3) Well, I'll definitely give that some thought. Thank you.
4) Your kids have turned out so nicely - thank you for the advice.
5) Hmmmm.

Then you change the subject.

This often won't work with family, who seem to have a license to continue
pressing, so I have had great luck with the following:

"Dad/Mom, I'm doing what has been recommended to me by my daughter's
pediatrician. It *is* different from what you did with me, and you know
what? When my daughter is a mother, she'll do things differently than I
did. So how was your round of golf last weekend? Did you break 100?"

I have to admit-- Rachel DOES cry when she doesn't want anything other
than
to be held. She doesn't always WANT to sleep alone, laid down...she wants
to
sleep in my arms or in my husband's lap. She will go out like a light with
one of us holding her no matter how noisy the room is. She doesn't comfort
suck much, but she does get a lot of comfort in nursing. (it's just that
she's always latched on and eating-- not just improperly latched and
comfort
sucking)...

Jill, your daugher is a newborn. That's what they do. You're doing great.


Opinions? Am I doing her harm, spoiling her, creating a monster?

Lord no. There is no such thing as a spoiled newborn/young baby. Don't
even consider this a possibility for at least a bare minimum of another 6-10
months.

Donna

I have to admit-- Rachel DOES cry when she doesn't want anything other than
to be held.

Right! Because crying is the only way she has to let you know what she wants.
She can't say, "I need a hug," or "I'm lonely," or "I'm scared." She can only
cry. You know what she's saying. You are doing a GREAT job. I know it's
hard, but you just ignore everyone else and follow your instincts.

For your husband, maybe he would feel better about what you are doing if you
could get him to read Dr. Sears or Attachment Parenting by Katie Allison
Granju. Then he'd understand why what you are doing makes sense.

Leslie

Jill wrote:
parents keep insisting to
him that we are doing it wrong and setting ourselves up for a big
PITA one day soon with a toddler who is needy and clingy. They need
to butt out. They are SO sure this is spoiling the baby, I will never
get them to see any differing opinion.

That is true. My method was to stop trying to change their mind. I
basically said "That may be true and if you think it is a mistake, it is
mine to make. I can only do what feels right and I'm not going to change."
I'm quite sure they had all kinds of 'you are a know it all, naive, soon to
learn, big mouth' but they were smart enough not to say it :-)

You have to watch how you interact with those relatives in the future. My
aunt was quiet and even supportive after I made that comment. However I
have a rough time dealing with extended nursing and so vented to her more
then I should have. She also saw the difficulties I was having even if I
didn't crab about them :-) Now she says I should wean #3 (if there ever is
one) at 6 months so I will have to be super careful not to vent to her about
any stress I feel with breastfeeding if a #3 ever comes along.

Keep in mind that some toddlers *are* clingy and needy. Some of those
clingy toddlers were AP'd. You can't disprove that and you won't know which
kind you have till you get there so you might as well do what you feel is
right in the moment. There are to many non-clingy toddlers who were AP'd
for me to believe it causes clinginess. Of course, it isn't a magic bullet
to avert it either.

--
Nikki
Mama to Hunter (5) and Luke (3)

"Leslie" wrote in message
...

For your husband, maybe he would feel better about what you are doing if
you
could get him to read Dr. Sears or Attachment Parenting by Katie Allison
Granju. Then he'd understand why what you are doing makes sense.

Definitely have him read Sears, if you can get him to do it, but please
don't be surprised if he finds Sears unpalatable. Some of us do. If my
husband were pro attachment parenting, it still wouldn't change my opinion
about that style of caregiving. But it shouldn't have to. It's ok to have
two different philosophies, *particularly* during the newborn phase, when
attachment parent or no, most of us end up doing the exact same things,
because that's what newborns need.

Jill, perhaps you could pick up a non-sears book,(I like Brazelton, myself,
but there is a wide variety to choose from) and take a look at the non-AP
advice. I suspect you'll find just about the same advice Sears gives for
newborns. That might help dismiss your husband's fears about "spoiling".

Best wishes,

Donna

Jill, I so agree with what you are doing, it's not even funny

I went to a seminar a few weeks ago called, "Breastfeeding: Science and
Experience", and it was a fully day of speakers who talked for an hour on a
particular topic. One of those was Controlled Crying. Here are the notes I
jotted down during that hour and a half... I hope they help with your
unsupportive family... (sorry, there is quite a bit!!)


~84% of babies are NOT sleeping through the night at 6 months of age, and it
is not until children are about 2 years of age that their sleep cycle
closely resembles that of adults.

~Night waking (after sleeping through) occurs when there is developmental
change/growth spurt. It is SIDS protective, and good for neurological
development and breastfeeding.

~Separation from a parent leads to stress, and the release of the hormone
Cortisol. The stress response takes 10 YEARS to mature. Babies cannot
control their stress, and need parents to moderate their environment.

~Mammals' brains have been found to be physiologically different if they
experienced separation.

~Babies who have been separated from their parents (ie forced to sleep
alone, cry it out, etc) have a "learned helplessness" Co-sleeping is the
species norm.

~Attachment takes 7 months to form.

~Lack of separation anxiety in a baby under 1-2 should set off alarm bells.
(ie when dropped off at daycare and baby just waves, or ignores departing
mother).

~There are two forms of attachment:

Secure attachment -- Trust
*parents can read cues to provide appropriate comfort to the child
consistently
*children cry less, are more self relient, able to deal with stress as
adults and feel worthy of love

Insecure attachment -- Anxiety
*Parents are inconsistent and less tollerant of the upset child
*Infants learn to hide distress and play alone, OR become clingy. As adults
they feel unworthy of love, and unable to deal with stress.

~Assumptions of controlled crying:
1. Crying at night should be extinguished - however infants needs are
expressed by crying, and is meant to bring parents closer for
comfort/protection.
2. Responding to the crying reinforces crying - UNTRUE... Responding helps
the infant to manage anxiety. Crying is NOT a behaviour to, and responding
is not a reward for 'bad behaviour'.

~The act of momentarily comforting the child at increasing intervals is not
appropriate for infants as 'object permanence' is not developed until the
age of 2 or 3!!! The infant does not know that the separation is temporary.
You can't teach them that it is temporary before they are meant to learn.

~Patterns of attachment are learnt at times of distress, weather healthy or
unhealthy.

~Consequences:
1 in 5 people have experienced mental illness
250,000 children in Australia were medicated for depression in 2003
Children can become 'overadjusted' from this abuse - *protest*
(crying) -- *despair* (sobbing, wimpering) -- *Denial* (giving in and
sleeping because no body cares anyway)

Basically if the child knows that you will be there if they need you they
are more likely to explore and be independent as older children, because
they are confident that if anything happens you will be there for them. If
you don't let your baby know that you WILL be there, they are never sure
whether you will be or not, so they'd better not let you out of their sight,
just incase!

Does that all make sense? Sorry it's so long, but I just found it so
interesting, and sort of confirmed my ideals.

Hope it helps in some way

Jo (RM)

Jill wrote:

I so disagree! People act like the little 2 week old munchkin is being
manipulative or something. I do NOT think cosleeping with a breastfeeding
newborn is going to cause her to be 4 years old and not wanting to leave mom
and daddy's bed. I think in time, she WILL use her crib, when she is a
little older. I plan to cosleep with her while breastfeeding and she needs
to eat in the night. What are your opinions on this? I know what Dr. Sears
says but that's not convincing the extended family or my husband. My husband
thinks it IS spoiling her but he knows he himself can't help treating her
this way either, he hates to hear her cry, but his parents keep insisting to
him that we are doing it wrong and setting ourselves up for a big PITA one
day soon with a toddler who is needy and clingy. They need to butt out. They
are SO sure this is spoiling the baby, I will never get them to see any
differing opinion.



STOP PAYING ATTENTION TO WHAT OTHER PEOPLE SAY. She's YOUR baby and
you get to raise her the way you decide is best for you and her.
If she does get spoiled, you will find a way to deal with it later.
Wait till she hits two--everyone will hate how INDEPENDENT she is
then. If you listen to everyone you will go nuts because everyone
has a different opinion about childraising.

Don't tell them to butt out, stand up and say "Thanks, but
we're doing what WE think is best for us."

gloria p

I understand what you're dealing with. My parents are insisting that I
shouldn't bring DS into the bed with me when he doesn't want to be alone
or sleep in his crib anymore (usually around 4-5am) and then we
comfortably co-sleep for as long as he wants to sleep for. My father
insists that I'm spoiling the baby and that he'll become needy and not
want to sleep by himself when he's older. What a load of crap! Our
babes are at around the same age and at this point it has nothing to do
with being spoiled or not but everything to do with fulfilling his/her
needs and if that means co-sleeping and holding them until they fall
asleep (what DH and I have to do to get Quinn to nod off to sleep) then
so be it. Don't let relatives or friends change your mind. A while
down the road if you want to cut back on co-bed time once she's quite a
bit older than I'd say it might not be a bad idea but until then don't
listen to anyone else and just do what you and DH think and feels is right.

Angela &
Quinn

Jill wrote:
This debate is raging around my house. Extended family, who had babies in a
different era, are insisting we need to nip things in the bud. I want some
opinions. And yep-- I own Dr. Sears "The Baby Book" and think attachment
parenting is the style for me.

I feel so close and in tune with my baby and breastfeeding is enhancing that
bond. I never thought I'd cosleep but that is wonderful. And she's NEW-
she's just 2 weeks old! When she cries she always has a need. Her diaper
needs changing, she's hungry, cold/hot, or sometimes, she just wants to be
held. She WILL stay put down -- on my bed. She doesn't like the crib, and
she halfway tolerates the PackNPlay's bassinett which is right beside the
bed. I just think she wants to be put down where she realizes mommy and
daddy are close or come around often. Her crib is not as cozy IMO and that's
why she doesn't like it-- and we don't hang around in the nursery, there is
nowhere to sit.

People are insisting I am spoiling her. I believe you can't spoil babies. I
mean, do you BLAME them for wanting to be held and feel safe and secure and
comforted???? When she cries and all other needs have been met, and I pick
her up and stroke her and cuddle her, she smiles-- at 2 weeks old! And goes
right off to sleep cooing.

So people are telling us things that I'm sure you all can guess. "You've got
to get her used to her crib." "You've got to teach her to stay put down or
you'll never get anything done besides her." "You get her started sleeping
in your bed and you will have big problems getting her out!" (again-- she is
2 weeks old!! not 2 years old). "When you pick her up everytime she cries,
she will start crying every time you put her down." etc etc. "You are
creating a spoiled young 'un".

I so disagree! People act like the little 2 week old munchkin is being
manipulative or something. I do NOT think cosleeping with a breastfeeding
newborn is going to cause her to be 4 years old and not wanting to leave mom
and daddy's bed. I think in time, she WILL use her crib, when she is a
little older. I plan to cosleep with her while breastfeeding and she needs
to eat in the night. What are your opinions on this? I know what Dr. Sears
says but that's not convincing the extended family or my husband. My husband
thinks it IS spoiling her but he knows he himself can't help treating her
this way either, he hates to hear her cry, but his parents keep insisting to
him that we are doing it wrong and setting ourselves up for a big PITA one
day soon with a toddler who is needy and clingy. They need to butt out. They
are SO sure this is spoiling the baby, I will never get them to see any
differing opinion.

I have to admit-- Rachel DOES cry when she doesn't want anything other than
to be held. She doesn't always WANT to sleep alone, laid down...she wants to
sleep in my arms or in my husband's lap. She will go out like a light with
one of us holding her no matter how noisy the room is. She doesn't comfort
suck much, but she does get a lot of comfort in nursing. (it's just that
she's always latched on and eating-- not just improperly latched and comfort
sucking)...

Opinions? Am I doing her harm, spoiling her, creating a monster? IMO--No!
It's my very nature to parent her this way, my instinct. To me, it's just
being sensitive to her needs. And I think her needs are acceptable, normal,
and fine! What do people think she supposed to do, NOT want to be held? But
anyway, MIL/FIL didn't raise their kids in this style and even my parents
tell me we need to put her down and get her used to it.

You know it doesn't matter what they insist, I am going to keep treating my
baby the same, because I can't help it!

Jill

Jill,
I think at a certain point, you just have to know and understand, deep in
your heart, that you will never convince your parents or in-laws that you
are right or they are wrong. At a certain point you just have to keep
repeating the same thing to them, over and over again, every time they
mention it. Perhaps it's, "You know, studies have shown that meeting a
newborn's needs promptly creates a happier, healthier and more independent
child." or "it's impossible to spoil a newborn -- they do not manipulate at
this age. She has needs, and I'm meeting them." Or even, "Thanks, we'll
think about it." Or possibly even as harsh as, "Look, I know you really
care about all of us, but it's our turn to raise a child, and we're going to
do it as we see fit. You may not always agree with our choices, but they
are our choices. We appreciate your concern and input, but you have to let
this drop, and let us do it our way. "

I think the only person you really have to make sure is convinces is your
husband. Make sure he reads all the passages in the Sears books that deal
with this.
--

Jamie & Taylor
Earth Angel, 1/3/03

Check out Taylor Marlys -- www.MyFamily.com, User ID: Clarkguest1,
Password: Guest
Become a member for free - go to Add Member to set up your own User ID and
Password

Check out our Adoption Page at http://home.earthlink.net/~jamielee6