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question about spacing of male siblings



 
 
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  #21  
Old May 8th 06, 07:25 AM posted to misc.kids
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Default question about spacing of male siblings


hbar wrote:
Hi,

I have 3 sons aged 1, 4.5 and 6 years old.


Thanks again to everyone who responded. I am loving reading what
everyone has to say!
-L.

  #22  
Old May 9th 06, 09:06 AM posted to misc.kids
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Default question about spacing of male siblings


Chookie wrote:
In article .com,
"-L." wrote:

I am interested in hearing from people who have two male siblings who
are next to each other in birth order. How far apart are your boys,
and what kind of relationship do they have with each other?


My feeling is that the advantages and disadvantages fall into two categories:
a) the obvious ones relating to age difference, and
b) the inescapable ones relating to personality difference.

Our boys are 5y2mo and 11mo. They adore each other -- except when DS2
interrupts DS1's activities! To see them getting on so well is a delight, and
they play together quite well a lot of the time.

The advantages of a 4-year age gap a

- older child is more independent
- older child is more patient, unlike a toddler
- older child is more understanding of the baby's need for attention, rather
than just jealous


Mine are almost exactly 4 years apart. The other advantage was that OS
was good and potty trained before YS arrived, so I only had to deal
with one in diapers at a time.


The disadvantages will be more apparent later. The developmental gap between
13 and 9, or 16 and 12, is much greater than the gap between 5 and 1. Swings
and roundabouts...


My experience was the opposite. My two, in between bouts of getting
along, quibbled like cats and dogs. (It didn't help that OS is ADHD
and YS is not and has a more even tempermemt) -- OS didn't like YS
'getting into my stuff', YS had a tendency to not be careful with OS'
toys (which became more potentially breakable as he aged)...things like
that.

Once they were both in their teens, or close to it, they became much
closer because they found they had a lot in common interest-wise,
could communicate with each other much better, had similar woes and
concerns. When they would argue, it was verbal, versus the physicality
that was typical of their fights when they were little and OS had a
distinct physical size advantage over YS. It helped that OS doesn't
have a problem getting along with kids a little younger than he is and
YS integrates well with kids a couple years older.

Now, at 16 and 20, they're just about the same size and some of their
'positions' have reversed -- YS, being the more social of the two, has
already had several girlfriends. OS, more reserved and not as socially
savvy, has gone on one date in his life (though he did have a 'training
wheels girlfriend' when he was 13), so OS goes to YS to talk about
girls. (example being OS had no desire whatsoever to go to his Senior
Prom and didn't go. YS, who is only a sophomore, got asked to Prom by
a Senior, so he'll end up going to at least 3 proms before he graduates
HS (assuming he only goes out with girls from his own school and not
one of the other local high schools). OS, now in college, will talk
about girls who have caught his interest, but he's only summoned up the
courage to ask one of them out.

And he's okay with that, actually. He spends a lot of his time
studying and says he'll have time for dating 'later' (which makes him a
lot like his late father at similar ages).

YS revels in the fact that girls are coming up and giving him phone
numbers, or asking for his. He's not a Player, thank goodness, but he
does enjoy the ego-boost of Having Attention Paid.
Personality-wise, he's much more like me.

So, I think the temperment of the children is going to be a more
significant factor than the age gap....and that's a crap shoot.

Leah

  #23  
Old May 9th 06, 12:16 PM posted to misc.kids
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Default question about spacing of male siblings

In article . com,
" wrote:

I think there's a *social* gap between 13 and 9, or 16 and 12, but the
developmental gap is surely much bigger now, between 5 and 1? Seems to
me in terms of what they can really *do* together, they'd be closer at
13 and 9, things like swimming, climbing trees, playing cards or board
games, talking about books or movies or sports, etc. Whether the
13-year-old would be *willing* to do that with the 9-year-old, now ...
that's another thing.


DS2 still tries to participate in story-reading, though obviously he doesn't
understand too much. DH caught him with both feet on the bottom rung of the
ladder this morning (DS1 was up the top). They like music, so DS2, who has
just learned to walk, bops on the spot while DS1 does his music homework.
IOW, DS2 thinks he is 5... it's very funny!

--
Chookie -- Sydney, Australia
(Replace "foulspambegone" with "optushome" to reply)

"Parenthood is like the modern stone washing process for denim jeans. You may
start out crisp, neat and tough, but you end up pale, limp and wrinkled."
Kerry Cue
  #24  
Old May 10th 06, 08:11 AM posted to misc.kids
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Default question about spacing of male siblings


Chris wrote:
Our boys are almost exactly 4 years apart. They are our only two
children. Now, at ages 14 and 10, they do many things together and
squabble often as well. Our younger son definitely looks up to his
brother and emulates him. This lead to some dangerous situations when
they were little--"watch me jump off the couch, too!" However, they do
have many different interests and we have tried to cultivate their own
interests to minimize competition somewhat. The older one is more into
team sports and social things, the younger is more interested in
music/drama and individual sports. When they were very young no one
could make the younger one smile like his big brother. Our older son
enjoys helping younger kids and I see a future camp counselor in the
making. Our younger son is less confident around younger children.

Chris


Thanks, Chris - that was very informative.
-L.

  #25  
Old May 12th 06, 01:39 PM posted to misc.kids
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Default question about spacing of male siblings

In message ,
Chookie writes

DS2 still tries to participate in story-reading, though obviously he doesn't
understand too much. DH caught him with both feet on the bottom rung of the
ladder this morning (DS1 was up the top). They like music, so DS2, who has
just learned to walk, bops on the spot while DS1 does his music homework.
IOW, DS2 thinks he is 5... it's very funny!

Any more suggestions for shared activities? Our age gap is smaller than
yours at exactly 3 years and we've also got different sexes, which might
be making things more difficult but at the moment I'm having major
problems entertaining a 20 month old and a 4.75 year old at the same
time. DD will be 5 and DS will be 2 in August.

DD is at school so it's only between 3.15 and 7 pm when DS goes to bed
but it seems an awful long time when all they are doing is annoying each
other. DD gets home from school tired. She used to say "mummy I want to
do something with you but without DS" but has now realised this is
impossible (except on Fridays when he is at nursery and I make sure we
do something together then). She likes long, involved imaginative games
with her castle or dolls house or playmobil or all 3 combined. He likes
running around and shouting. It's not a good combination :-). She takes
her things away from him, he hits her, she pushes him over... If she
watches TV, he turns it off to get her attention, she pushes him away,
he bites her... Recently it's ended up with her going to play in her
bedroom and me having to keep DS downstairs with me, which makes him
cross because he wants to follow her around and do everything she's
doing.

So I've been trying to find things we can all do together that will keep
both of them happy. So far I've found music is good, dancing to it or
playing instruments (if I can find two absolutely identical). Also DD
teaching DS songs and action rhymes or action games like "Simon says".
Ball games are sometimes OK but DD gets cross because DS doesn't follow
her rules and take turns.

Any other ideas or are they just going to be totally incompatible for
life?
--
Kate in Bristol - going slowly insane
  #26  
Old May 12th 06, 03:18 PM posted to misc.kids
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Posts: n/a
Default question about spacing of male siblings


"Kate" wrote in message
...
In message ,
Chookie writes

DS2 still tries to participate in story-reading, though obviously he
doesn't
understand too much. DH caught him with both feet on the bottom rung of
the
ladder this morning (DS1 was up the top). They like music, so DS2, who
has
just learned to walk, bops on the spot while DS1 does his music homework.
IOW, DS2 thinks he is 5... it's very funny!

Any more suggestions for shared activities? Our age gap is smaller than
yours at exactly 3 years and we've also got different sexes, which might
be making things more difficult but at the moment I'm having major
problems entertaining a 20 month old and a 4.75 year old at the same time.
DD will be 5 and DS will be 2 in August.

DD is at school so it's only between 3.15 and 7 pm when DS goes to bed but
it seems an awful long time when all they are doing is annoying each
other. DD gets home from school tired. She used to say "mummy I want to do
something with you but without DS" but has now realised this is impossible
(except on Fridays when he is at nursery and I make sure we do something
together then). She likes long, involved imaginative games with her castle
or dolls house or playmobil or all 3 combined. He likes running around and
shouting. It's not a good combination :-). She takes her things away from
him, he hits her, she pushes him over... If she watches TV, he turns it
off to get her attention, she pushes him away, he bites her... Recently
it's ended up with her going to play in her bedroom and me having to keep
DS downstairs with me, which makes him cross because he wants to follow
her around and do everything she's doing.

So I've been trying to find things we can all do together that will keep
both of them happy. So far I've found music is good, dancing to it or
playing instruments (if I can find two absolutely identical). Also DD
teaching DS songs and action rhymes or action games like "Simon says".
Ball games are sometimes OK but DD gets cross because DS doesn't follow
her rules and take turns.

Any other ideas or are they just going to be totally incompatible for
life?
--

I have 2 girls aged 5.5 and 2.5 this is what they enjoy together:
Painting, sandpit, reading a story (#1 does that for #2) taking photos (#1
of #2) tea parties, dolls for walk, inside tent, building houses, stickers,
singing, batting a balloon, teddy bear picnic, decorating cakes, sylvanians,
dancing, pretend ballet lessons, dressing up and just running round and
being silly together.
They have the most fun when they discover something that is silly and just
keen on doing it and laughing-like singing "twinkle twinkle" backwards wqas
a favourite.
Debbie


  #27  
Old May 12th 06, 07:16 PM posted to misc.kids
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Posts: n/a
Default question about spacing of male siblings

Kate wrote:

time. DD will be 5 and DS will be 2 in August.

DD is at school so it's only between 3.15 and 7 pm when DS goes to bed
but it seems an awful long time when all they are doing is annoying each
other. DD gets home from school tired. She used to say "mummy I want to
do something with you but without DS" but has now realised this is
impossible (except on Fridays when he is at nursery and I make sure we
do something together then). She likes long, involved imaginative games
with her castle or dolls house or playmobil or all 3 combined. He likes
running around and shouting. It's not a good combination :-). She takes
her things away from him, he hits her, she pushes him over... If she
watches TV, he turns it off to get her attention, she pushes him away,
he bites her... Recently it's ended up with her going to play in her
bedroom and me having to keep DS downstairs with me, which makes him
cross because he wants to follow her around and do everything she's doing.

So I've been trying to find things we can all do together that will keep
both of them happy. So far I've found music is good, dancing to it or
playing instruments (if I can find two absolutely identical). Also DD
teaching DS songs and action rhymes or action games like "Simon says".
Ball games are sometimes OK but DD gets cross because DS doesn't follow
her rules and take turns.

Any other ideas or are they just going to be totally incompatible for life?


I don't see why you would have to create so much
together time. My inclination would be to try to jiggle
his sleep times so that she has a little time when she
gets home from school to reconnect with you without him,
and then some time after his bedtime to play in a more
extended way with you. Is Dad around any of this time
so you can divide and conquer a bit? Then, it's perfectly
reasonable for her to play on her own for a bit while you
keep DS out of her hair. He has to learn to do that--it's
not unreasonable of you or her to require it of him. It's
also reasonable for your daughter to learn to be a bit
forgiving that he doesn't always understand or play by
all the rules at less than 2 years old. On the
weekends, arrange some one-on-one time with each of them.
When you have multiple kids, I think you have to
find some balance of play alone time, play together time,
family time, and one-on-one time with each parent. I wouldn't
attempt to maximize your family time at the expense of all
the others. I'd just shoot for a balance. I doubt you will
find a terribly long list of activities that are absolutely
fabulous for both an almost 5yo and an almost 2yo. They
each deserve *some* time tailored towards their specific
needs. You're hamstrung a bit by the toddler requiring
so much hands-on care just from a safety perspective, but
that will get better fairly rapidly. If your daughter knows
when she can count on having your undivided attention for
play appropriate to her age, I suspect she'll cut you some
more slack on the time that she knows you have to spend
playing all together.

Best wishes,
Ericka
  #28  
Old May 14th 06, 02:50 AM posted to misc.kids
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Posts: n/a
Default question about spacing of male siblings


"Kate" wrote in message
...
Any more suggestions for shared activities? Our age gap is smaller than
yours at exactly 3 years and we've also got different sexes, which might
be making things more difficult but at the moment I'm having major
problems entertaining a 20 month old and a 4.75 year old at the same time.
DD will be 5 and DS will be 2 in August.


My kids are 32 months apart. The oldest one turns 5 in June. The youngest
is 2. They do annoy each other at times, but they get on amazingly well.
Things they do well together are play outside. Water games, sand games,
bubbles, slide. Indoors, they play in the pop-up tents or other
get-in-the-fort/box/blanket games.

Just now, they were getting on each other's nerves. We are planning to go
around the block, something they both love. I warned them that I cannot go
around the block with two kids who are fighting. That usually quiets things
down. If they do fight, we delay the fun activity by 5 minutes, enough for
it to hurt. It really means a lot to them when they have to wait another 5
minutes.


  #29  
Old May 15th 06, 11:33 AM posted to misc.kids
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Posts: n/a
Default question about spacing of male siblings

In message , Ericka
Kammerer writes

I don't see why you would have to create so much
together time. My inclination would be to try to jiggle
his sleep times so that she has a little time when she
gets home from school to reconnect with you without him,
and then some time after his bedtime to play in a more
extended way with you. Is Dad around any of this time
so you can divide and conquer a bit? Then, it's perfectly
reasonable for her to play on her own for a bit while you
keep DS out of her hair. He has to learn to do that--it's
not unreasonable of you or her to require it of him. It's
also reasonable for your daughter to learn to be a bit
forgiving that he doesn't always understand or play by
all the rules at less than 2 years old. On the
weekends, arrange some one-on-one time with each of them.


We do divide and conquer at the weekends, interspersed with family time.
The problem on weekdays is that DH isn't home until 6.30. He used to be
home at 5 but got made redundant before Christmas and his new job is a
longer commute. I think I still haven't adjusted to this. I'd been so
used to having him home and doing stuff with one of them (not to mention
making their tea).

Now DD plays with DH while I'm putting DS to bed (at 7) and afterwards.
She often helps DH cook grown-up tea or they do lots of drawing. The new
job also means DH doesn't see much of DS now so we often compensate for
that at weekends by me doing things with DD and him taking DS on a
thrilling trip to the supermarket.

I was trying to create together time after school as a way of me seeing
something of DD in the week rather than her barricading herself in her
bedroom away from her little brother.

Changing DS's sleep times is a good idea. At the moment he wakes at
5.30, naps for up to 2.5 hours around 1 to 2.30 and goes to bed at 7. If
I could move his nap later so he'd be asleep when we go to get her from
school and a bit afterwards, that would give her and me a bit of time.
She stopped napping altogether at 14 months so I've been viewing his nap
as something that might vanish at any moment, but perhaps it won't.

When you have multiple kids, I think you have to
find some balance of play alone time, play together time,
family time, and one-on-one time with each parent. I wouldn't
attempt to maximize your family time at the expense of all
the others. I'd just shoot for a balance.


That makes sense but if the younger one is incapable of being left alone
at all, I reckoned the option of all doing something together seemed
preferable to DD playing alone all the time until daddy gets home. Also
on the weekdays I don't work (I work 3 days of school hours), I've spent
the whole day one-on-one with DS and I'd quite like a change!

I doubt you will
find a terribly long list of activities that are absolutely
fabulous for both an almost 5yo and an almost 2yo. They
each deserve *some* time tailored towards their specific
needs. You're hamstrung a bit by the toddler requiring
so much hands-on care just from a safety perspective, but
that will get better fairly rapidly.


Promise??!!

--
Kate in Bristol
  #30  
Old May 15th 06, 11:38 AM posted to misc.kids
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Default question about spacing of male siblings

In message , Welches
writes

I have 2 girls aged 5.5 and 2.5 this is what they enjoy together:
Painting, sandpit, reading a story (#1 does that for #2) taking photos (#1
of #2) tea parties, dolls for walk, inside tent, building houses, stickers,
singing, batting a balloon, teddy bear picnic, decorating cakes, sylvanians,
dancing, pretend ballet lessons, dressing up and just running round and
being silly together.
They have the most fun when they discover something that is silly and just
keen on doing it and laughing-like singing "twinkle twinkle" backwards wqas
a favourite.


Thanks! It sounds like there may be hope! Toypup's outside play ideas
also help. We got them a sandpit at the weekend which was quite
successful.
--
Kate in Bristol
 




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