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Newsweek: "If I'm ever going to fulfill my dream of becoming a mother, I'm going to need some better role models."



 
 
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  #1  
Old July 17th 07, 03:57 PM posted to misc.kids
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Posts: 46
Default Newsweek: "If I'm ever going to fulfill my dream of becoming a mother, I'm going to need some better role models."

Hard to argue with any of it.
Lenona.


http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19762056/site/newsweek/
MY TURN
Stop Setting Alarms on My Biological Clock
If I'm ever going to fulfill my dream of becoming a mother, I'm going
to need some better role models.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


By Carrie Friedman
Newsweek
July 23, 2007 issue - I am at a party chatting with a woman I know
slightly. As her young son squirms out of her embrace, she slips her
hand under my shirt. She's not getting fresh with me. She's touching
my tummy with her cold hand and asking me, in a concerned voice, "Why
aren't you pregnant yet?" I smile, break free from her touch, and head
to the food table to fill said empty belly with her brat's birthday
cake.

I love children and definitely plan on having them. Maternal instinct
is oozing out of my pores: I've infantilized my dogs; I've gotten down
on my hands and knees at the park with babies I barely know. My
marriage is wonderful and solid, and we are both blessed with good
health. I've been a nanny, a teacher, a youth-group leader. I've taken
childhood-development courses solely for the purpose of someday
raising happy, balanced children. I have always looked forward to
becoming a mother.

So why don't I have kids or even the inkling right now? It's because
of you. Yes, you: the fanatical mothers of the world. It may seem like
ages ago now, but you weren't always like this. You, too, were
sneering at the obnoxious parents who brought their infants to fancy,
adult, nighttime restaurants or R-rated movies and let them carry on,
ruining things for other patrons. You've been terrible advertising for
the club that you so desperately need others to join.

If you want me to join your ranks-and you've made it clear with your
cold, clammy hands on my stomach that recruiting my uterus is of
paramount importance to you-I need to set some ground rules.

First, please stop asking me when I'm going to get pregnant.

For all you know, I cannot have kids. For all I know, I cannot have
kids, as I have not yet tried. But imagine how painful this line of
interrogation would be if I had submitted to all kinds of procedures,
only to come up empty-wombed. It would be emotionally devastating. Yet
ever since the day after my wedding two years ago, I have fielded this
question from the eye doctor, the dental assistant, my yoga teacher,
the bagger at the grocery store. All of them feel entitled to ask.
Don't. It's none of your business.

Next, don't completely abandon your own life and passions. You're
setting a bad example for aspiring mothers-to-be like me.

I recently expressed my happiness over an achievement I had at work to
a mother-friend of mine. She said, dripping with condescension, "Well,
you don't know happiness until you've had a baby."

That's very possible, but don't rain on my parade, as I've never said
to you, "Remind me, when you went to that expensive college you
majored in diaper-rash prevention, right?"

I happen to love my job. It fulfills me in ways no other person-even a
child-could. I learned through my own mother's example that the best
lesson you can teach your kids is to pursue their passions. It's not
selfish to have your own life. In fact, it's selfish not to.

Now let's talk a bit about manners, as in please teach your children
some. The world has rules, and kids should learn them. And being well
mannered does not infringe on their individuality and freedom.

I crouched to meet the eye line of an acquaintance's 4-year-old to
greet her, and in response, she punched me in the face so hard my
mouth bled. What was more baffling was the mother's reaction: nothing
to the child, but to me she said very sternly: "You really shouldn't
talk down to kids."

I also shouldn't be punched in the face by kids whose parents don't
know how to set basic boundaries. Experiences like this don't exactly
encourage me to hurry up and get pregnant.

Finally, don't make your kid an extension of your own narcissism.

No one could possibly love your kids as much as you do, so stop
inflicting them on others. Don't bring your kid to adult parties when
you're not sure if it's kid-friendly. If they didn't invite your kid,
they don't want your kid there. If you don't want to get a babysitter,
stay home.

My husband thinks some people, particularly mothers, behave in these
ways because it helps them validate their own choices. But he doesn't
truly understand how infuriating it is, and that's because nobody
badgers men with questions about procreation.

Becoming a parent was your decision, and I am thrilled for you. All
I'm asking is that you let me make that choice in my own time. And
keep your hands off my belly.

Friedman lives in Los Angeles.

  #2  
Old July 17th 07, 05:32 PM posted to misc.kids
NL
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Posts: 444
Default Newsweek: "If I'm ever going to fulfill my dream of becominga mother, I'm going to need some better role models."

schrieb:
Hard to argue with any of it.
Lenona.


http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19762056/site/newsweek/
MY TURN
Stop Setting Alarms on My Biological Clock
If I'm ever going to fulfill my dream of becoming a mother, I'm going
to need some better role models.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


By Carrie Friedman


Becoming a parent was your decision, and I am thrilled for you. All
I'm asking is that you let me make that choice in my own time. And
keep your hands off my belly.


Well, no. All you're really asking in this article is for parents to
finally shut up about it and leave you alone with it and stop bringing
their kids to events _you_ think they shouldn't be at. And to parent
their kids in a way that suits you more and really.

If people are touching you inappropriately it's your job to deal with
them, whining won't help. And if people ask you inappropriate personal
question, that's the same thing really. Deal with it. And don't blame it
on them being parents.

Oh yeah, and if you're looking for better role models, maybe don't look
for them at R-Rated movies or adult only parties, they're probably not
there.

cu
nicole
  #3  
Old July 19th 07, 08:05 PM posted to misc.kids
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external usenet poster
 
Posts: 46
Default Newsweek: "If I'm ever going to fulfill my dream of becoming a mother, I'm going to need some better role models."

Oh yeah, and if you're looking for better role models, maybe don't look
for them at R-Rated movies or adult only parties, they're probably not
there.

cu
nicole-



Not sure what you're saying. Yes, there have always been ill-mannered
parents, but from what I understand, back then, generally, even THEY
didn't used to take kids to social functions where the parents were
invited but the kids weren't. Or places where babies' or toddlers'
noise will be considered nothing but outrageous - such as fancy
restaurants. I.e., there are MORE clueless parents, on average, than
there used to be. They don't necessarily become less of a nuisance
outside of the theatre or the party. Take, for example, parents who
let kids run around and trip waiters with heavy trays because they
"can't" keep the kids still.

Not to mention that in the early 1970s, there were no VCRs, so a
single mother who wanted to hear all the dialogue in a grown-up movie
either had to pay a babysitter or wait YEARS for the movie to come to
TV. What's the excuse today, what with free movies quickly available
at the library?

Finally, as the comments page (when you click on the link at the top)
at the bottom of the article will show you, there are tons of parents
who sympathize with her.

Lenona.

  #4  
Old July 19th 07, 09:59 PM posted to misc.kids
NL
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 444
Default Newsweek: "If I'm ever going to fulfill my dream of becominga mother, I'm going to need some better role models."

schrieb:
Oh yeah, and if you're looking for better role models, maybe don't look
for them at R-Rated movies or adult only parties, they're probably not
there.

cu
nicole-



Not sure what you're saying. Yes, there have always been ill-mannered
parents, but from what I understand, back then, generally, even THEY
didn't used to take kids to social functions where the parents were
invited but the kids weren't. Or places where babies' or toddlers'
noise will be considered nothing but outrageous - such as fancy
restaurants. I.e., there are MORE clueless parents, on average, than
there used to be. They don't necessarily become less of a nuisance
outside of the theatre or the party. Take, for example, parents who
let kids run around and trip waiters with heavy trays because they
"can't" keep the kids still.


And how often have you, personally seen this happen? And why would you
choose to judge all parents based on the few who let their kids "run
wild"? What about the parents in that same restaurant that didn't bring
their kids, do you see them, do you recognize parents if they don't have
their children with them?

Not to mention that in the early 1970s, there were no VCRs, so a
single mother who wanted to hear all the dialogue in a grown-up movie
either had to pay a babysitter or wait YEARS for the movie to come to
TV. What's the excuse today, what with free movies quickly available
at the library?


What are you trying to say? That now single mothers (like me) bring
their kids to adult movies with them? Sorry, not going to happen. My
son's been to the movies exactly once so far. We watched "Meet the
Robinsons".

Finally, as the comments page (when you click on the link at the top)
at the bottom of the article will show you, there are tons of parents
who sympathize with her.


And that proves what? That a lot of parents see things her way, which
means that a lot of parents think having kids today is a horribly bad
decision because there are no good role models?
Where are you personally looking for your parenting role models? Do you
see the parents who didn't bring their kids to the movies? Do you
recognize them at the restaurant? No, you don't, because _they didn't
bring their kids_ and they're not wearing some kind of parenting tattoo
on their foreheads. Of course you'll only see the ones bringing their
not so very well raised children because they're a lot more visible, and
audible...

cu
nicole
 




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