What to do when your son tell you he hates you.

On Oct 22, 8:39 am, Banty wrote:
In article . com, Beliavsky
says...



On Oct 22, 7:55 am, Banty wrote:

snip

Here's what you do. Self-inoculate yourselves. Designate yourselves the Great
Asshole and Queen Bitch of the household. When he calls you names and says he
hates you, nod your head(s) and say "yup", and keep right on with whatever you
need to do.

Banty (whose son called her a "bitch" - and answered with "hmmmmm, and that
makes YOU.....?")

Letting your son call you that without a severe punishment makes you a
wimp in my book.

That's an ego thing. A parent shouldn't be playing que-es-mas-macho.

If my children called their mother that, she'd be
justified in slapping them. They ought to be frightened to even think
of saying such a thing. I never dreamed of calling my mother that,
even though like almost all people, there are times when she is
unpleasant.

You never called your mother that because *she* was unpleasant?? Are you
referring to her disciplining you, or (because you say "..like almost all
people") just unpleasantness in general? You seem to be mixing up parenting and
being the adult with a minor child, with adult-adult interaction in general.
Which I think is exactly the problem here - adults taking *personally* what
immature kids say out of anger or to get a reaction. Because they think of what
they'd do or how they'd feel if a neighbor said the same thing. Wrong wrong
wrong.



A boy probably won't show women in general more respect than he shows
his mother. What kind of man do you want to raise?

He'll learn to respect her when she responds from a position of strength as a
calm centered adult. Not by her flipping out over it and getting all
hurt-feelings over it.

My son has told me that he hates me more times than I care to recall,
usually when I make him do his homework instead of watching TV or
sleeping over at a friend's house, or when I tell him he can't have
some game or another. I simply tell him that I understand that he
feels that way at the moment, but its not going to change my decision,
and that I love him. I'd never punish him for expressing those
feelings, but I will sometimes tell him to go to his room, or go to
mine, to calm down a bit.

Young kids' emotions are close to the surface, so to speak. They
haven't really yet learned to control them. They're going to hate --
and love -- more intensely. That's why its important for us to help
them deal with them, not punish them for having such emotions.

I get the feeling that wasn't quite the case with Banty's son,
though. I'm guesting that he was trying to shock and/or anger her.
Had she yelled, slapped, punished, etc, she would have shown him that
it worked. Her quick-thinking response better defused the situation.
He probably never said it again. But that's because he's older; I
wouldn't try that on a 4 year old.

Barbara

In article .com, Barbara
says...

On Oct 22, 8:39 am, Banty wrote:
In article . com, Beliavsky
says...



On Oct 22, 7:55 am, Banty wrote:

snip

Here's what you do. Self-inoculate yourselves. Designate yourselves the
Great
Asshole and Queen Bitch of the household. When he calls you names and says he
hates you, nod your head(s) and say "yup", and keep right on with whatever you
need to do.

Banty (whose son called her a "bitch" - and answered with "hmmmmm, and that
makes YOU.....?")

Letting your son call you that without a severe punishment makes you a
wimp in my book.

That's an ego thing. A parent shouldn't be playing que-es-mas-macho.

If my children called their mother that, she'd be
justified in slapping them. They ought to be frightened to even think
of saying such a thing. I never dreamed of calling my mother that,
even though like almost all people, there are times when she is
unpleasant.

You never called your mother that because *she* was unpleasant?? Are you
referring to her disciplining you, or (because you say "..like almost all
people") just unpleasantness in general? You seem to be mixing up parenting and
being the adult with a minor child, with adult-adult interaction in general.
Which I think is exactly the problem here - adults taking *personally* what
immature kids say out of anger or to get a reaction. Because they think of what
they'd do or how they'd feel if a neighbor said the same thing. Wrong wrong
wrong.



A boy probably won't show women in general more respect than he shows
his mother. What kind of man do you want to raise?

He'll learn to respect her when she responds from a position of strength as a
calm centered adult. Not by her flipping out over it and getting all
hurt-feelings over it.

My son has told me that he hates me more times than I care to recall,
usually when I make him do his homework instead of watching TV or
sleeping over at a friend's house, or when I tell him he can't have
some game or another. I simply tell him that I understand that he
feels that way at the moment, but its not going to change my decision,
and that I love him. I'd never punish him for expressing those
feelings, but I will sometimes tell him to go to his room, or go to
mine, to calm down a bit.

Young kids' emotions are close to the surface, so to speak. They
haven't really yet learned to control them. They're going to hate --
and love -- more intensely. That's why its important for us to help
them deal with them, not punish them for having such emotions.

I get the feeling that wasn't quite the case with Banty's son,
though. I'm guesting that he was trying to shock and/or anger her.

Oh, he's done it on occassion when he hasn't gotten his way (regarding homework,
etc.)

Isn't that when that word is used in most adult to adult cases anyway (outside
of canine husbandry, I mean)? Someone isn't getting their way because a woman
isn't doing something they want?

Had she yelled, slapped, punished, etc, she would have shown him that
it worked. Her quick-thinking response better defused the situation.
He probably never said it again. But that's because he's older;

He actually smiled. I had him good

I've told him on a couple of other occassions that I'm the Queen Bitch of the
Universe. It's an epithet that has been rendered totally harmless in our
household. I haven't heard it in a long time.

I
wouldn't try that on a 4 year old.


Heh - you'd probably have to explain it, and that wouldn't do, LOL!

Someone once called my son a '*******' when he was little. His classroom had a
guinea pig named "Baxter" - he wanted to know why he was called after that
guinea pig. I just told him the person who said that was being stupid and
silly.

Banty

In article 7a1311b7cf7c4@uwe, Illiana via FamilyKB.com says...

A father willing to talk! wrote:
My son sometimes snaps and start telling me or my wife that he hate me
or her.

It usually happens when he does not follow our orders, such as take a
bath or get out of the bathroom because it is time to sleep, or he
wants something we are not willing to give him, such as toy.

We usually try to talk to him, negotiate about other activities that
he will not do if he persist on his behavior, warn him minutes ahead
that we will be moving to other activities, etc.

However, this is very difficult and frustrating. Moreover when we are
respectful of his decisions and tastes. We try to give him this he
loves and spend time with him. We also try to give him moral values
such as be nice with people, respect other people and your family, and
so on.

We usually ask to stop saying this kind of things calm down and
breath. Sometimes it works, sometime it does not. At most we ask him
to go to his room and wait until he is calm and talk to him again. In
addition, we punish him not watching TV for few days and become very
cold when we talk to him. He usually respond fine to this kind of
treatment. But I hate to do this. I would like to have a nice
conversation and fluent relationship with my son.

Suggestion are more than welcome!.
Just ignore him when he says things like that. If he persists even after some
ofthe silent treatment, you need to give him a little flick on the lips.
Children should not disrespect their parents, regardless. The respect, or
lack of it, he shows to you will be what he gives to other people.


You seem to approach problems by hitting.

Banty

On Oct 22, 10:25 am, Barbara wrote:

snip

My son has told me that he hates me more times than I care to recall,
usually when I make him do his homework instead of watching TV or
sleeping over at a friend's house, or when I tell him he can't have
some game or another. I simply tell him that I understand that he
feels that way at the moment, but its not going to change my decision,
and that I love him. I'd never punish him for expressing those
feelings, but I will sometimes tell him to go to his room, or go to
mine, to calm down a bit.

Young kids' emotions are close to the surface, so to speak. They
haven't really yet learned to control them. They're going to hate --
and love -- more intensely. That's why its important for us to help
them deal with them, not punish them for having such emotions.

Yes, they have strong emotions as do we adults, but they still need to
control their *actions*, including their speech. I'd allow my kids to
say they think I am being mean, but I won't tolerate their calling me
or their mother names.

I get the feeling that wasn't quite the case with Banty's son,
though. I'm guesting that he was trying to shock and/or anger her.
Had she yelled, slapped, punished, etc, she would have shown him that
it worked. Her quick-thinking response better defused the situation.
He probably never said it again. But that's because he's older; I
wouldn't try that on a 4 year old.

The b-word is not my in 4yo's vocabulary, and if it crept in, besides
disciplining him I would make him tell me where he learned to talk
trash so I could eliminate that influence. There will, for example,
never be "gangster rap" in my earshot.

Barbara

In article . com, Beliavsky
says...

On Oct 22, 10:25 am, Barbara wrote:

snip

My son has told me that he hates me more times than I care to recall,
usually when I make him do his homework instead of watching TV or
sleeping over at a friend's house, or when I tell him he can't have
some game or another. I simply tell him that I understand that he
feels that way at the moment, but its not going to change my decision,
and that I love him. I'd never punish him for expressing those
feelings, but I will sometimes tell him to go to his room, or go to
mine, to calm down a bit.

Young kids' emotions are close to the surface, so to speak. They
haven't really yet learned to control them. They're going to hate --
and love -- more intensely. That's why its important for us to help
them deal with them, not punish them for having such emotions.

Yes, they have strong emotions as do we adults, but they still need to
control their *actions*, including their speech. I'd allow my kids to
say they think I am being mean, but I won't tolerate their calling me
or their mother names.

I get the feeling that wasn't quite the case with Banty's son,
though. I'm guesting that he was trying to shock and/or anger her.
Had she yelled, slapped, punished, etc, she would have shown him that
it worked. Her quick-thinking response better defused the situation.
He probably never said it again. But that's because he's older; I
wouldn't try that on a 4 year old.

The b-word is not my in 4yo's vocabulary, and if it crept in, besides
disciplining him I would make him tell me where he learned to talk
trash so I could eliminate that influence. There will, for example,
never be "gangster rap" in my earshot.


Curious - of what material do you plan to make this cocoon? Will you punch
airholes?

Cheers,
Banty (yep, his oldest is all of four....)

On Oct 22, 11:21 am, Banty wrote:
In article . com, Beliavsky
says...

snip

I get the feeling that wasn't quite the case with Banty's son,
though. I'm guesting that he was trying to shock and/or anger her.
Had she yelled, slapped, punished, etc, she would have shown him that
it worked. Her quick-thinking response better defused the situation.
He probably never said it again. But that's because he's older; I
wouldn't try that on a 4 year old.

The b-word is not my in 4yo's vocabulary, and if it crept in, besides
disciplining him I would make him tell me where he learned to talk
trash so I could eliminate that influence. There will, for example,
never be "gangster rap" in my earshot.

Curious - of what material do you plan to make this cocoon? Will you punch
airholes?

Cheers,
Banty (yep, his oldest is all of four....)

I was born and brought up in the U.S. and am in my late 30s. I don't
think I have ever used the b-word or f-word in front of my parents,
and they would be saddened if I did. I have the same standards for my
kids. Why is that unrealistic?

We have basic cable TV (which does not include MTV), and if my wife
has told me that if she thinks TV is becoming a bad influence on our
kids, she won't mind getting rid of all TVs in the house. We have been
talking about how to child-proof our Internet access.

On Oct 22, 11:42 am, Beliavsky wrote:
On Oct 22, 11:21 am, Banty wrote:

In article . com, Beliavsky
says...

snip





I get the feeling that wasn't quite the case with Banty's son,
though. I'm guesting that he was trying to shock and/or anger her.
Had she yelled, slapped, punished, etc, she would have shown him that
it worked. Her quick-thinking response better defused the situation.
He probably never said it again. But that's because he's older; I
wouldn't try that on a 4 year old.

The b-word is not my in 4yo's vocabulary, and if it crept in, besides
disciplining him I would make him tell me where he learned to talk
trash so I could eliminate that influence. There will, for example,
never be "gangster rap" in my earshot.

Curious - of what material do you plan to make this cocoon? Will you punch
airholes?

Cheers,
Banty (yep, his oldest is all of four....)

I was born and brought up in the U.S. and am in my late 30s. I don't
think I have ever used the b-word or f-word in front of my parents,
and they would be saddened if I did. I have the same standards for my
kids. Why is that unrealistic?

We have basic cable TV (which does not include MTV), and if my wife
has told me that if she thinks TV is becoming a bad influence on our
kids, she won't mind getting rid of all TVs in the house. We have been
talking about how to child-proof our Internet access.- Hide quoted text -

And, presumably, you never intend to take your kids to a public park.
An open air fair or other celebration. A walk around town. The
mall. Even the supermarket. You don't intend to allow them to listen
to radio other than classical music. Attend a sporting event. Attend
a school where there are older children. Walk into a museum. Drive
through many areas once your kid can read. Because trust me, your
child *will* hear (or read) cursing at any and all of these places.

I don't think that Banty or I have in any way, shape or form suggested
that we accept cursing from our kids (both of whom are substantially
older than yours). The question is *how* you deal with it, and how
you otherwise deal with the expression of strong emotions. With
respect to the latter, punishing a child because s/he feels a certain
way simply isn't appropriate in my book. With respect to the former,
IMHO if your kid is trying to shock and outrage you, then being
shocked or outraged is the *worst* thing you can do. As to my son
(who is younger than Banty's), explaining that we don't use those
words in polite conversation is much more effective (IMHO) than
punishment.

Barbara

Beliavsky wrote:

The b-word is not my in 4yo's vocabulary, and if it crept in, besides
disciplining him I would make him tell me where he learned to talk
trash so I could eliminate that influence. There will, for example,
never be "gangster rap" in my earshot.

I hope your kids enjoy the isolation, and that you
enjoy homeschooling!

Best wishes,
Ericka

Beliavsky wrote:
On Oct 22, 11:21 am, Banty wrote:
In article . com, Beliavsky
says...

snip

I get the feeling that wasn't quite the case with Banty's son,
though. I'm guesting that he was trying to shock and/or anger her.
Had she yelled, slapped, punished, etc, she would have shown him that
it worked. Her quick-thinking response better defused the situation.
He probably never said it again. But that's because he's older; I
wouldn't try that on a 4 year old.
The b-word is not my in 4yo's vocabulary, and if it crept in, besides
disciplining him I would make him tell me where he learned to talk
trash so I could eliminate that influence. There will, for example,
never be "gangster rap" in my earshot.
Curious - of what material do you plan to make this cocoon? Will you punch
airholes?

Cheers,
Banty (yep, his oldest is all of four....)

I was born and brought up in the U.S. and am in my late 30s. I don't
think I have ever used the b-word or f-word in front of my parents,
and they would be saddened if I did. I have the same standards for my
kids. Why is that unrealistic?

Obviously it should be your goal to teach your child
not to use that sort of language, and you can even be relatively
successful at it. Your assumption that you can eradicate any
influences from your children's lives that might expose them to
such language is naive in the extreme. It happens. Even in the
best neighborhoods, best schools, best families.
Given that your children will be exposed, there almost
certainly will be a time when they will let something fly in the
heat of the moment that they wouldn't normally choose to say.
That's normal. Adults are expected to have control of their
tempers and be able to refrain (although you have just said that
you'd lose your temper to the extent of *slapping* your child
from something so petty as bad language), but children naturally
do not yet have that control. The consequences for their behavior
should be proportional to what you can legitimately expect them
to have the capability to do. Furthermore, overreacting to these
things doesn't help get you to your goal of having children who
can control their tempers and regulate their language.

We have basic cable TV (which does not include MTV), and if my wife
has told me that if she thinks TV is becoming a bad influence on our
kids, she won't mind getting rid of all TVs in the house.

You can certainly get rid of tvs, but that won't
be the only (or probably even the first) place they encounter
inappropriate language.

We have been
talking about how to child-proof our Internet access.

Good luck with that. There is no perfect child-proofing
of the Internet, short of sitting with your child every second
they're on it and paying attention to every word on the screen.

Best wishes,
Ericka

On Oct 22, 7:55 am, Banty wrote:
In article .com, A father
willing to talk! says...

My son sometimes snaps and start telling me or my wife that he hate me
or her.

[snip]

He tells you he hates you??

gasp

HOW as good upstanding decent parents did you EVER expect to - - -

- -

- - - NOT hear that!! :-)

Here's what you do. Self-inoculate yourselves. Designate yourselves the Great
Asshole and Queen Bitch of the household. When he calls you names and says he
hates you, nod your head(s) and say "yup", and keep right on with whatever you
need to do.

Banty (whose son called her a "bitch" - and answered with "hmmmmm, and that
makes YOU.....?")- Hide quoted text -

When my kids were younger, each of them told me that they hated me
ONCE.
My response was to say - "good, that means I'm doing my job". To their
blank looks, I explained that if they thought I was wonderful 100% of
the time,
it would mean I wasn't making any rules or bringing them up properly.
If they
expected me to react differently or give in to whatever they wanted,
they were
disappointed.

As for language, I made it clear all along that there are words that
aren't
to be said in my house. I don't ever use them myself. My kids are 19
and
17 now and I know that that sort of language is acceptable with their
peers but they know that they shouldn't use it around me. These days
I don't react much if they forget, I just glare and they'll correct
themselves.
But they know where the line really is and have never directed any of
those words at me.

I do like Banty's response to her son though!

-- Zip