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instant single parent of my 18 year old son!



 
 
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  #1  
Old June 30th 07, 07:58 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents,alt.parenting,alt.child-support,alt.parents-teens
[email protected]
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 5
Default instant single parent of my 18 year old son!

Hi,
~
my 18 year old son came from overseas less than 2 months ago
~
He wanted to come to the idea that he had about "America". He
occupies his mind with a great deal of hip-hop and reggaeton.
~
I had been noticing how much different his personality is from mine
even before he got here, but I never expected for things to go out of
control so fast so soon
~
Basically he doesn't listen to what you are trying to tell him and I
am not so good at being persuasive. Just trying to make him understand
that he may not go to dancing places/where they sell alcoholic
beverages till he is 21 and that he is not supposed to go to school
wearing his oversize earrings has been tough to me
~
Just taking about these matters to me is incredibly taxing now
imagine talking about it to your own son and in a persuasive way
without losing your temper/getting angry at some point
~
How do people cope with these issues? Any manuals for "instant
daddies"?

Thanks
lbrtchx

  #2  
Old June 30th 07, 08:47 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents,alt.parents-teens
R. Steve Walz
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 2,954
Default instant single parent of my 18 year old son!

wrote:

Hi,
~
my 18 year old son came from overseas less than 2 months ago
~
He wanted to come to the idea that he had about "America". He
occupies his mind with a great deal of hip-hop and reggaeton.
~
I had been noticing how much different his personality is from mine
even before he got here, but I never expected for things to go out of
control so fast so soon
~
Basically he doesn't listen to what you are trying to tell him and I
am not so good at being persuasive. Just trying to make him understand
that he may not go to dancing places/where they sell alcoholic
beverages till he is 21 and that he is not supposed to go to school
wearing his oversize earrings has been tough to me
~
Just taking about these matters to me is incredibly taxing now
imagine talking about it to your own son and in a persuasive way
without losing your temper/getting angry at some point
~
How do people cope with these issues? Any manuals for "instant
daddies"?

Thanks
lbrtchx

--------------------
You're an idiot, he's an adult. Whatever you're trying to do, it's
both too late, and not even your right legally anymore. You run the
risk of losing a possible friendship with your adult son if you keep
****ing up by demanding that the people you care about be just like
you!! Believe me, I hate rap, hip-hop, and most reggae too, but it's
no longer your place, if indeed it EVER was. Treat him like you have
to treat your adult friends in order to have any, (IF YOU EVEN DO! -
I have noticed that most authoritarians are emotionally underdeveloped
adult misanthropes who have no real friends!). If you don't, you will
lose him altogether, he will simply avoid you hereafter.
Steve
  #3  
Old June 30th 07, 10:50 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents,alt.parents-teens
[email protected]
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 5
Default instant single parent of my 18 year old son!

You're an idiot, he's an adult.
The second part I kind of understand (at least the "legal" part of
it), but unless you are God for Windows Vista I wonder what makes you
feel like you can read a whole situation out of a statement as harsh
as it may sound to you. What exactly makes you think I am an idiot I
would like to know. Hey! Maybe I am by just taking the time to reply
to you!
~
To me part of "being an adult" is being able to provide for yourself
and being sustainably independent in a moral way. That includes having
some skills/career (and unless you consider such things as gansta
rapping and somehow (not even in a "smart" way) knowing where you can
plug your penis to be a skill, he has none) and he hasn't even
finished high school and never did in his home country in a
paternalistic educational environment (Cuba) and surrounded by super
caring and hyper protective family
~
To me he was just lazy kid thinking his daddy would pull him out of
it in a movie like way, which in a sense, was exactly what
happened ...
~
Whatever you're trying to do, it's both too late, and not even your right legally anymore.

Anymore, you said?!? When do you stop being someone's mother/father?
Oh, I see you are giving me a legal talk here!
~
You run the risk of losing a possible friendship with your adult son if you keep ****ing up by demanding that the people you care about be just like you!!

Yes, to a certain extent I would like for him to be "like me" as you
say. I have never ever ****ed up with anyone, I have always been a
decent dog and when I was his age I contested a nationwide
schollarship to finish graduate school in a pretigious German
University, from where I graduated with high laurates
~
I love to read and code (I don't watch TV or owe moneys from any
bank, we should forget about that part), but I would really be happy
if he just finishes high school which he will (re)start this fall.
What I am asking from him is the bare minimum
~
Believe me, I hate rap, hip-hop, and most reggae too

Well, you see reggae to me is much better than rap, hip-hop and
reggaeton. The thing is that some kids take this crap as some sort of
ultimate truth/religion. he actually is like a 10 year old child, I
have to be explainig to him he is not supposed to leave wet cloths in
the closet, properly close a soda bottle or pee without leaving his
mark on the toillet, yet he apparently knows all these songs
~
but it's no longer your place, if indeed it EVER was.

Wrong again Mr. Opinion! I am his father. Whose place is it yours?
Society's?
~
Treat him like you have to treat your adult friends in order to have any, (IF YOU EVEN DO! - I have noticed that most authoritarians are emotionally underdeveloped adult misanthropes who have no real friends!).

So let me understand you, if you have friends you are emotionally
developed? This idea really makes me question your smarts, that, to me
would be the same as saying that some idea is true/right because it is
popular. Also the mobs and politicians thrive in this culture of
"friendship" ...
~
If you don't, you will lose him altogether, he will simply avoid you hereafter.

I decided to reply your post because I might go back and visit how I
felt years later
~
Again, becoming an instant daddy/mommy is not easy and even asking
the right questions the right way is hard
~
lbrtchx

  #5  
Old July 1st 07, 02:50 AM posted to alt.support.single-parents,alt.parents-teens
R. Steve Walz
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 2,954
Default instant single parent of my 18 year old son!

wrote:

You're an idiot, he's an adult.

The second part I kind of understand (at least the "legal" part of
it), but unless you are God for Windows Vista I wonder what makes you
feel like you can read a whole situation out of a statement as harsh
as it may sound to you. What exactly makes you think I am an idiot I
would like to know. Hey! Maybe I am by just taking the time to reply
to you!

--------------------------
No, for trying to run another adult's life.


To me part of "being an adult" is being able to provide for yourself
and being sustainably independent in a moral way. That includes having
some skills/career (and unless you consider such things as gansta
rapping and somehow (not even in a "smart" way) knowing where you can
plug your penis to be a skill, he has none) and he hasn't even
finished high school and never did in his home country in a
paternalistic educational environment (Cuba) and surrounded by super
caring and hyper protective family

--------------------------
Doesn't matter. Do we rob the elderly or the handicapped of their
rights merely because they cannot provide their own means of support?
Try it some time and get the **** sued out of you, if you don't get
arrested. So obviously we don't have the right to impose violations of
personal human rights on someone merely because they are a student.

Now, do I agree with you that he SHOULD be doing this or that
differently to prepare for his future? Sure. But as another adult,
you have the right to evict him, but NOT the right to violate his
his human rights, OR "quiet enjoyment of the premises" as long as
you permit him to live there, and like any other adult it would
require 30 days written notice and maybe a formal notice to quit
the premises taken out at the courthouse to remove him legally.

So sure, ALL you can do is evict him. Now you have to ask yourself,
is that what I want to do and do I want an ongoing or future
relationship with this other adult? If the answer is yes, then you
have no choice but to permit him to remain, on HIS terms for his
life, because that IS what legal adulthood means. You have ONLY your
beseechments and persuasion at your disposal.


To me he was just lazy kid thinking his daddy would pull him out of
it in a movie like way, which in a sense, was exactly what
happened ...

--------------------------------
You don't have to do such a thing anymore, that is, if you don't want
to do so. But now he's an adult, and he has the right to terminate
your relationship permanently, starting whenever he gets sufficiently
****ed at you.

If you're doing parenting, rather than just being spiteful or approval-
seeking, then your concern will be the outcome to him, not to you.
That may require you to do what seems unpleasant to you, to let him
stay for a time, and acknowledge his rights, but to use your presence
and influence "as a friend" to persaude and maybe even harrass him a
little, within the bounds of law.


Whatever you're trying to do, it's both too late, and not even your right legally anymore.


Anymore, you said?!? When do you stop being someone's mother/father?
Oh, I see you are giving me a legal talk here!

-------------------------
Well, you seem to need one. If you don't go about this in a legal way
now, any attorney can rip you to shreds.


You run the risk of losing a possible friendship with your adult son if you keep ****ing up by demanding that the people you care about be just like you!!


Yes, to a certain extent I would like for him to be "like me" as you
say.

--------------------
The most important feature of that being that you would continue to
have a relationship with him, SO THAT you have some influence over him
as his friend. Being liked, per se, is not as important to the job of
parenting as the relationship of influence, or "having his ear", and
you won't if you evict him, yet evicting him is now your only legal
right. Trying to intefere with the way he runs his life can get you
sued or even prosecuted.


I have never ever ****ed up with anyone, I have always been a
decent dog and when I was his age I contested a nationwide
schollarship to finish graduate school in a pretigious German
University, from where I graduated with high laurates

------------------------------
Ich congratuliere Dich, sehr gut!


I love to read and code (I don't watch TV or owe moneys from any
bank, we should forget about that part), but I would really be happy
if he just finishes high school which he will (re)start this fall.
What I am asking from him is the bare minimum

--------------------------------
Then make sure it's only asking, or it can't possibly work at this
stage.


Believe me, I hate rap, hip-hop, and most reggae too


Well, you see reggae to me is much better than rap, hip-hop and
reggaeton. The thing is that some kids take this crap as some sort of
ultimate truth/religion. he actually is like a 10 year old child, I
have to be explainig to him he is not supposed to leave wet cloths in
the closet, properly close a soda bottle or pee without leaving his
mark on the toillet, yet he apparently knows all these songs

------------------------------
He knows all those things too, he just doesn't see their value yet.
He has never had to clean anything, or skrimp to buy soda. All this
changes the first time he has to maintain his own abode, not right
away, but soon after that time. You could help him hasten that if
you wish, by encouraging him to find an apartment and pay to move
him out, then if he goes voluntarily you won't have to evict him,
because then he can't come back without your permission!! Of course
that can be a relationship-breaker as well. But if you mailed him
notice to terminate residency as of a certtain future date, be
generous, then he would be thinking more seriously about it. Remember,
nothing focuses the mind like being executed in the morning!


but it's no longer your place, if indeed it EVER was.

Wrong again Mr. Opinion! I am his father. Whose place is it yours?
Society's?

-------------------------------
To tell him what he can wear? Etc.?? No one's. It never was, really.
Perhaps you had some influence when he was stupid enough to obey you,
but actually we have almost No power over an adult-sized person who
decides to oppose us, or even simply to sit on his ass till you leave
him the hell alone!


Treat him like you have to treat your adult friends in order to have any, (IF YOU EVEN DO! - I have noticed that most authoritarians are emotionally underdeveloped adult misanthropes who have no real friends!).


So let me understand you, if you have friends you are emotionally
developed?

--------------------
That case can easily be made, and is made by psychologists.


This idea really makes me question your smarts, that, to me
would be the same as saying that some idea is true/right because it is
popular.

----------------------
Oh, I understand what you're saying, but anyone can find SOME friends
who mostly agree with him in this multifarious society. So the excuse
that as an adult you just haven't found anyone you like yet smacks of
profound neurosis and anxiety/depression.


Also the mobs and politicians thrive in this culture of
"friendship" ...

-------------------------
Once more, that's actually unrelatred to having friends, and you know
this.


If you don't, you will lose him altogether, he will simply avoid
you hereafter.


I decided to reply your post because I might go back and visit how I
felt years later
~
Again, becoming an instant daddy/mommy is not easy and even asking
the right questions the right way is hard
~
lbrtchx

------------------------------
Oh, I agree, the depth of the questions involved is more than one
first imagines. A certain level of reminding, cajoling, supporting,
etc., without succumbing to trying to exercise authority is very
difficult to maintain, it's like balancing on a knife-edge without
certain principles, but foremost among them is what is fair for you,
and fair for him.

Both your rights must be respected, and that may mean leaving him
to be who he wants, and even formally abdicating to him any notion
of authority over him in favor of using your free speech benignly to
only encourage him and remind him that he needs to seek employability
at the earliest possible moment, if he can't bring himself to continue
his education to post-secondary.

And that reequires staying strictly within the bounds of rental law,
and being fair to both of you by encouraging his separate residence.

You see, it won't work for you to demand that he be an adult but not
treat him as one, that would be wanting it both ways, and is nonsense.

To teach someone to walk, you let them walk. If we tried to teach
children to walk in detail by regimen, they might be ONLY halfway
good at it by the time they were ten!! Experience is always the best
teacher.
Steve
  #7  
Old July 1st 07, 03:37 AM posted to alt.support.single-parents,alt.parents-teens
Gini
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 936
Default instant single parent of my 18 year old son!


"R. Steve Walz" wrote
................................

But as another adult,
you have the right to evict him, but NOT the right to violate his
his human rights, OR "quiet enjoyment of the premises" as long as
you permit him to live there, and like any other adult it would
require 30 days written notice and maybe a formal notice to quit
the premises taken out at the courthouse to remove him legally.

==
Not if he isn't charging him rent (or other contractural basis for his
tenancy).
Absent that, he can be removed at any time as an "unwanted person."


  #8  
Old July 1st 07, 10:58 AM posted to alt.support.single-parents,alt.parents-teens
[email protected]
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 5
Default instant single parent of my 18 year old son!

But as another adult, you have the right to evict him, but NOT the right to violate his his human rights, OR "quiet enjoyment of the premises" as long as you permit him to live there, and like any other adult it would require 30 days written notice and maybe a formal notice to quit the premises taken out at the courthouse to remove him legally.
~
Well, that shows clearly see you must be out of your mind. I would
never EVER run him out of my apt. He has been in America for less than
two months, that would be total abuse! I would never do that to him
since even as difficult as he is he still doesn't have a true sense of
reality in America
~
Also since you like "legal talks" let me tell you that the legalities
and complexity of bringin your children from overseas are complicated
by a variety of legal issues as well. For example, he may not become a
burden of any kind till he becomes a citizen (in at least three years)
if he does uncle Sam expediently sends the bill to you. So it is not
so easy legally either
~
To teach someone to walk, you let them walk. If we tried to teach children to walk in detail by regimen, they might be ONLY halfway good at it by the time they were ten!! Experience is always the best teacher.

~
I do agree with you on that count, but still there is still
"parenting" (even in a purely animal) and societal sense and there is
something namely called love
~
lbrtchx

  #9  
Old July 1st 07, 05:35 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents,alt.parents-teens
R. Steve Walz
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 2,954
Default instant single parent of my 18 year old son!

Gini wrote:

"R. Steve Walz" wrote
...............................

But as another adult,
you have the right to evict him, but NOT the right to violate his
his human rights, OR "quiet enjoyment of the premises" as long as
you permit him to live there, and like any other adult it would
require 30 days written notice and maybe a formal notice to quit
the premises taken out at the courthouse to remove him legally.

==
Not if he isn't charging him rent (or other contractural basis for his
tenancy).
Absent that, he can be removed at any time as an "unwanted person."

--------------------
No. In California and most states, once a person has had unopposed
residency, whether for no rent or not, they have established
that as their legal residence and are protected by eviction law
requirements to get them out. In law, an "unwanted person" as
you say, must be immediately opposed or else they DO INDEED
acquire the status of a resident and then are protected by
eviction requirements. It varies by state, but some require as
little as two weeks and then it requires eviction proceedings!!!
Steve
  #10  
Old July 1st 07, 05:37 PM posted to alt.support.single-parents,alt.parents-teens
R. Steve Walz
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 2,954
Default instant single parent of my 18 year old son!

wrote:

But as another adult, you have the right to evict him, but NOT the right to violate his his human rights, OR "quiet enjoyment of the premises" as long as you permit him to live there, and like any other adult it would require 30 days written notice and maybe a formal notice to quit the premises taken out at the courthouse to remove him legally.

~
Well, that shows clearly see you must be out of your mind. I would
never EVER run him out of my apt. He has been in America for less than
two months, that would be total abuse! I would never do that to him
since even as difficult as he is he still doesn't have a true sense of
reality in America
~
Also since you like "legal talks" let me tell you that the legalities
and complexity of bringin your children from overseas are complicated
by a variety of legal issues as well. For example, he may not become a
burden of any kind till he becomes a citizen (in at least three years)
if he does uncle Sam expediently sends the bill to you. So it is not
so easy legally either
~
To teach someone to walk, you let them walk. If we tried to teach children to walk in detail by regimen, they might be ONLY halfway good at it by the time they were ten!! Experience is always the best teacher.

~
I do agree with you on that count, but still there is still
"parenting" (even in a purely animal) and societal sense and there is
something namely called love
~
lbrtchx

------------------
I am failing to see why you think he's a problem then, if you love
him so much.
Steve
 




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