Question about sling/attachment parenting (long, sorry)

Hi. As a first-time mom of an extremely intense high-needs baby, I am
in need of advice from some more experienced moms. I like the sound of
attachment parenting, and it makes sense to me, I just haven't been
able to apply it totally in my daily routine. DH is adamant about not
co-sleeping and I have to respect that, even though I wouldn't mind.
We always respond to her cries right away, and it seems like one of us
is always holding her. We feed her on demand.

I have a sling (an over the shoulder baby holder) and I use it when
nothing else seems to calm my fussy baby. I keep reading that you're
just supposed to wear your baby all day long, but I haven't been able
to do that for several reasons.

1- Can't put her down in the sling once she falls alseep without her
waking up screaming. Trust me, I know that in theory you're supposed
to be able to do this, but I can't. I can't even sit down or she wakes
up. She's one of those babies that just forces you to keep moving or
else. It's very tiring for me. I knew parenting was going to be hard,
but this is ridiculous. I am a mess physically and emotionally from
this child. I have absolutely nothing left to offer anyone at the end
of each day, not even DH.

2- It's hot. I keep my house at 74 all summer and we're still both
drenched in sweat. She doesn't seem to mind it, but she sweats so much
I'm worried she'll get dehydrated. It's worse of course when we go
outside where it's 80-90 and muggy, so I end up staying in the house
all day every day and I'm going insane. She HATES the stroller, and I
keep getting blocked ducts when I use the snugli.

3- I can't get anything done with her in the sling and she screams
when I put her down anywhere, even in a swing or bouncy seat right
next to me. She is 3 months old, and although she is good at holding
her head up, she cannot sit up unassisted and this limits the
positions we can use with the sling. I can't get anything done because
if she is lying down in the sling, I can't get close enough to stuff
to use it (sink, counter, etc.). If she is sitting up facing forward,
I have to steady her with one hand and then what good is having one
hand free? All I can do is type one handed (while bouncing on an
exercise ball or she hollers) or pace and talk on the phone or dangle
a toy for her entertainment. When will she be old enough to wear on my
back? Will I have to buy a different sling or backpack for that or can
I use my current one?

4- I worry about her legs being scrunched. I followed the "facing
forward" instructions to the letter (legs crossed) and she seems
comfortable, but her legs look so smushed by the fabric of the sling.
Can it be good for her to be so folded in on herself? I know she was
smushed in the womb, but I don't know if there was THAT much pressure
on her legs.

5- When she fusses in the sling, I don't know why. Is she
uncomfortable? Hot? Bored? Overstimulated? Hungry? I end up offering
her a bottle every 5 minutes (which seems like it may be a bad habit
to get into). I thought babies were supposed to fuss less when you
carry them everywhere? She seems marginally more content than when she
is propped on her boppy pillow, or in a bouncy seat but not
dramatically happier. She is just so fussy all the time! I am so
drained! I wish I knew what the heck is wrong with her. She doesn't
seem gassy, and it's too early for her to be teething. It's a mystery.

6- I can't pump with her in the sling. I am working on increasing my
supply (supplementing with formula until it gets back to normal) and
this requires that I double pump often throughout the day which I
can't do with her in the sling. Before any of you suggest it, let me
add that I've tried letting her nurse on demand: she has a very weak
suck and tends to fall asleep after less than 5 minutes, so this is
not a strategy that will help my milk supply increase. I think my low
supply and my underactive MER are the reasons why she is
bored/frustrated with nursing and that once I am back to a normal
level she will be happier nursing.

Is there anyone out there who actually wears their baby all day long?
Do you have any tips or encouragement for me? I want to do what is
best for my baby, but I need to do what's right for me too or I'll go
nuts.

Thanks,

-V.

On 1 Sep 2003 18:48:15 -0700, (Vijay) wrote:

Hi. As a first-time mom of an extremely intense high-needs baby,

I have one of those ) She is my third, which was quite a shock to me
because I *knew* what to expect but this sure wasn't it!

I am
in need of advice from some more experienced moms. I like the sound of
attachment parenting, and it makes sense to me, I just haven't been
able to apply it totally in my daily routine. DH is adamant about not
co-sleeping and I have to respect that, even though I wouldn't mind.

To be honest, my daughter actually sleeps longer when she isn't
sleeping with me! Up until she was about 4-5 months there was no
difference but the older she got the worse it was in bed.

We always respond to her cries right away, and it seems like one of us
is always holding her. We feed her on demand.

I have a sling (an over the shoulder baby holder) and I use it when
nothing else seems to calm my fussy baby. I keep reading that you're
just supposed to wear your baby all day long, but I haven't been able
to do that for several reasons.

1- Can't put her down in the sling once she falls alseep without her
waking up screaming. Trust me, I know that in theory you're supposed
to be able to do this, but I can't. I can't even sit down or she wakes
up. She's one of those babies that just forces you to keep moving or
else. It's very tiring for me. I knew parenting was going to be hard,
but this is ridiculous. I am a mess physically and emotionally from
this child. I have absolutely nothing left to offer anyone at the end
of each day, not even DH.

Where you do put her down, in a crib? My daughter will *not* sleep in
a crib for anything. She always woke up before I even got her whole
body past the top of the rail when laying her down! Once she couldn't
sleep alone on my bed (rolling...) I had to fix her up a place in the
floor. When she falls asleep I just carry her in my bedroom and flop
her down on her place in the floor lol. Really, she actually sleeps so
much better! It's odd, because I have to get on my knees to lay her
down and all that bouncing doesn't wake her, but the act of lowering
her into a crib did). Try a different place for her to sleep and see.
It could be something as simple as your movements, your muscles
tightening as you move yourself, having to lift her up before you lay
her down...it could be anything.
Mine also had to be in constant motion, it is very tiring I agree.

2- It's hot. I keep my house at 74 all summer and we're still both
drenched in sweat. She doesn't seem to mind it, but she sweats so much
I'm worried she'll get dehydrated. It's worse of course when we go
outside where it's 80-90 and muggy, so I end up staying in the house
all day every day and I'm going insane. She HATES the stroller, and I
keep getting blocked ducts when I use the snugli.

I had two sweaters, especially when they ate. I just gave up on the
sling, it was so hot and bulky and I couldn't figure it out anyway. I
didn't get hotter using the Snugli thougoh. Have you tried the Snugli
with her facing front, would that put as much pressure on your chest?
My daughter lived in the Snugli facing forwards from 3 months until
her thighs got too fat for it to fit anymore. (and I really wish I had
one that would fit her still!)

3- I can't get anything done with her in the sling and she screams
when I put her down anywhere, even in a swing or bouncy seat right
next to me.

It can feel awful can't it!

She is 3 months old, and although she is good at holding
her head up, she cannot sit up unassisted and this limits the
positions we can use with the sling. I can't get anything done because
if she is lying down in the sling, I can't get close enough to stuff
to use it (sink, counter, etc.). If she is sitting up facing forward,
I have to steady her with one hand and then what good is having one
hand free? All I can do is type one handed (while bouncing on an
exercise ball or she hollers) or pace and talk on the phone or dangle
a toy for her entertainment. When will she be old enough to wear on my
back? Will I have to buy a different sling or backpack for that or can
I use my current one?

I can't help you here, sorry. I never felt comfortable wearing her on
my back.

4- I worry about her legs being scrunched. I followed the "facing
forward" instructions to the letter (legs crossed) and she seems
comfortable, but her legs look so smushed by the fabric of the sling.
Can it be good for her to be so folded in on herself? I know she was
smushed in the womb, but I don't know if there was THAT much pressure
on her legs.

I wondered about that myself also.

5- When she fusses in the sling, I don't know why. Is she
uncomfortable? Hot? Bored? Overstimulated? Hungry? I end up offering
her a bottle every 5 minutes (which seems like it may be a bad habit
to get into). I thought babies were supposed to fuss less when you
carry them everywhere? She seems marginally more content than when she
is propped on her boppy pillow, or in a bouncy seat but not
dramatically happier. She is just so fussy all the time! I am so
drained! I wish I knew what the heck is wrong with her. She doesn't
seem gassy, and it's too early for her to be teething. It's a mystery.

It's not too early for teething, I had one daughter have two teeth
come in at 2 months and another had two at 4 months. So don't rule it
out. Also the fussiness could be part of the high needs.

6- I can't pump with her in the sling. I am working on increasing my
supply (supplementing with formula until it gets back to normal) and
this requires that I double pump often throughout the day which I
can't do with her in the sling. Before any of you suggest it, let me
add that I've tried letting her nurse on demand: she has a very weak
suck and tends to fall asleep after less than 5 minutes, so this is
not a strategy that will help my milk supply increase. I think my low
supply and my underactive MER are the reasons why she is
bored/frustrated with nursing and that once I am back to a normal
level she will be happier nursing.
Is there anyone out there who actually wears their baby all day long?
Do you have any tips or encouragement for me? I want to do what is
best for my baby, but I need to do what's right for me too or I'll go
nuts.

I can give you some encouragement. Have you read anything about high
needs babies? I have read that though they are fussy and it can be
hard to handle them, they can also be very playful and smart. My
high-needs baby is almost 11 months old (!), and she is the funniest
most playful baby I've had or been around. She is always on the go,
but she is so playful. It seems like she makes up for the hard part by
being sweet and fun. Now this didn't start as early as 3 months
(though she did smile alot even as a tiny baby) but she grew into it.
It has been so hard, and I have cried so much looking around at the
messy house we moved into when she was 3 months old that didn't get
unpacked until she was 8 months old (another "!" but you understand
I'm sure!) and not being able to take a shower or cook dinner without
her screaming and choking and getting hysterical. See I was expecting
a little of my firstborn and a little of my second born, I *knew* what
babies were like. I never in my life imagined that a baby could be so
demanding and clingy. I believe if she had been my first baby I'd
never have wanted another one. But remember not all babies are
high-needs (and they must be rare because you sure don't hear of
people talking about it!)
Well I hope I've helped somehow! I feel for you, I know it's hard. I'm
glad mine's not 3 months anymore LOL It *does* get easier.
Marie

(Vijay) writes:

Has the pediatrician checked your daughter carefully for things
like an ear infection or a urinary tract infection, or maybe chronic
hunger related to your milk supply issues?

I thought for a few weeks that I had a fussy baby, then discovered that I
had a very good but very hungry baby who desperately needed a few ounces
of formula each day.

3- I can't get anything done with her in the sling and she screams
when I put her down anywhere, even in a swing or bouncy seat right
next to me.

I think (as the mother of a 10.5 month old) that it's pretty normal for
any mom who avoids letting her baby cry a lot to get anything done.
Basically, you have a choice: focus on your baby and let your husband (or
paid help) worry about the cooking and cleaning, or have a baby who spends
some time in a crib or playpen crying each day. Most of our moms let us
cry some each day, and we turned out OK, so that's a valid choice, but
letting your husband bring home deli food is also a valid choice.

Also, 3-month-olds are very cute, but they're certainly not easy.

4- I worry about her legs being scrunched. I followed the "facing
forward" instructions to the letter (legs crossed) and she seems
comfortable, but her legs look so smushed by the fabric of the sling.

I think that, in general, if she's having problems, she'll let you know.

5- When she fusses in the sling, I don't know why. Is she
uncomfortable? Hot? Bored? Overstimulated? Hungry? I end up offering
her a bottle every 5 minutes (which seems like it may be a bad habit
to get into).

If you have a choice, I think you'd be better off offering her the breast
every 5 minutes. Breastmilk has baby morphine in it and it's probably a
lot more calming than formula.

6- I can't pump with her in the sling. I
am working on increasing
my supply (supplementing with formula until it gets back to normal)

Are you sure that the formula you're using suits your baby? Maybe you need
to try another type of formula.

supply and my underactive MER are the reasons why she is
bored/frustrated with nursing and that once I am back to a normal
level she will be happier nursing.

I hated the Medela Supplemental Nursing System, but maybe it would help
you escape double pumping but continue to work on building your supply.

Is there anyone out there who actually wears their baby all day long?

I did.

a) Don't think it's good for your back.
b) Don't expect to get anything done other than, maybe, computer work.
c) Make sure you can use the remote control to watch what you want to
watch on TV.

"Vijay" wrote in message
om...
Hi. As a first-time mom of an extremely intense high-needs baby, I am
in need of advice from some more experienced moms. I like the sound of
attachment parenting, and it makes sense to me, I just haven't been
able to apply it totally in my daily routine. DH is adamant about not
co-sleeping and I have to respect that, even though I wouldn't mind.
We always respond to her cries right away, and it seems like one of us
is always holding her. We feed her on demand.

The important thing about attachment parenting is to use it as it makes
sense to you and as it works for your life. Don't do it just so you can say,
"I'm doing AP!" Do it if and because it works for you.

RE co-sleeping... I found that when I didn't co-sleep, my kid wanted to be
on my body all the time during the day. If I did co-sleep, she was more
content to be put down now and then.


I have a sling (an over the shoulder baby holder) and I use it when
nothing else seems to calm my fussy baby. I keep reading that you're
just supposed to wear your baby all day long, but I haven't been able
to do that for several reasons.


I'm one of the most die-hard sling fanatics I know (you should see my
stash...) and *I* don't carry/wear babies all day long. I wear a SLING all
day long, but baby is in and out of sling, carseat, other people's arms,
etc. when I've got a baby around.

1- Can't put her down in the sling once she falls alseep without her
waking up screaming. Trust me, I know that in theory you're supposed
to be able to do this, but I can't. I can't even sit down or she wakes
up. She's one of those babies that just forces you to keep moving or
else. It's very tiring for me. I knew parenting was going to be hard,
but this is ridiculous. I am a mess physically and emotionally from
this child. I have absolutely nothing left to offer anyone at the end
of each day, not even DH.


Here's my take on this... sometimes you just don't offer what you can't
give. If you can't be moving constantly, just don't. Sometimes she'll cry.
If you're holding her and talking to her gently and she's fed and dry and
otherwise good to go, sometimes it's okay for her to cry a bit. You're not
abandoning her. You're not traumatizing her. You're simply saying, "I can
hold you right now (and you might hold/rock her) but I'm too tired to get up
and move around right now. We're going to sit for a bit. I'm sorry if you're
not happy, but right now, this is what we're doing. Kids usually figure it
out. I am NOT one to walk constantly with kids. I just don't. I'll rock them
and I may stay in motion a lot while sitting down, but I'm a writer and I
*have* to sit to write. I'm happy to have baby on my chest when I do that,
but I'm not going to try to write and walk at the same time.


2- It's hot. I keep my house at 74 all summer and we're still both
drenched in sweat. She doesn't seem to mind it, but she sweats so much
I'm worried she'll get dehydrated. It's worse of course when we go
outside where it's 80-90 and muggy, so I end up staying in the house
all day every day and I'm going insane. She HATES the stroller, and I
keep getting blocked ducts when I use the snugli.

Sounds like you need a different sling. There are lots and lots and lots of
options. See below.

3- I can't get anything done with her in the sling and she screams
when I put her down anywhere, even in a swing or bouncy seat right
next to me. She is 3 months old, and although she is good at holding
her head up, she cannot sit up unassisted and this limits the
positions we can use with the sling. I can't get anything done because
if she is lying down in the sling, I can't get close enough to stuff
to use it (sink, counter, etc.). If she is sitting up facing forward,
I have to steady her with one hand and then what good is having one
hand free? All I can do is type one handed (while bouncing on an
exercise ball or she hollers) or pace and talk on the phone or dangle
a toy for her entertainment. When will she be old enough to wear on my
back? Will I have to buy a different sling or backpack for that or can
I use my current one?

Definitely sounds like you need a new sling.

You've got the Cadillac of padded baby slings...but like many Caddies, it's
oversized and not terribly efficient in some ways. I'm not fond of padded
slings in general myself. Why? Because they tend to enforce positions which
are NOT positions parents would adopt naturally. How many parents naturally
carry their kids so low that they bump into counters? How many parents
naturally carry their kids crosslegged facing out?

So here are some ideas for slings which might meet your needs.

Criteria: You need a sling you can wear constantly.
You need a sling which puts baby high enough in a variety of positions that
you can get stuff done while she's in it.
You need a sling that you can get baby into and out of frequently and easily
without a lot of fuss.
You need a sling which can be worn snug
You need a sling which will last you through the next 3+years of parenting a
high needs kid.

General categories of slings, and how they do or don't meet these criteria:
Starting with what you have: Padded slings: Too hot to wear constantly.
Difficult to get adjusted properly to get baby high enough and in good
positions for getting work done while having two free hands. In and out is
probably okay. Snug is not working, most likely. Sling *could* last 3 years,
but probably won't once you try something else.

Pouch-style carriers: These have the "poppable" feature--you can easily pop
baby in and out at will. But you need to get a pouch which fits you and/or
you need a very adjustable one. Maya Pouches (new adjustable ones) and
Kangaroo Korner (fleece and cotton stretchy pouches with snaps) might work
well for you. You can use the positions you're already used to, but higher
and closer to you. BUT... the KK cotton pouch is not recommended as a
primary pouch and the fleece pouch is hot. I'll be getting a pair of them in
the next couple weeks to try them out in person--my info at present is from
the manufacturer, not my personal experience. The Maya adjustable pouches
are good, but probably not quite as versatile as you might like in the long
run, and the side-to-side stability in the Kangaroo (facing out cross
legged) pose is not greatly improved in these.

Wraparound carriers. These are long pieces of very nice fabric which wrap
around and around to support baby in many positions with weight usually
distributed over both shoulders. GREAT for wearing a baby for a long
time...but take a little work getting in and out. Not quite as "poppable" as
the pouches, as they take more work getting into. One wraparound, the
Ultimate Baby Wrap, is superior in this regard, as once you have it on you
can get baby in and out often without retying the wrap. But the UBW is a
little bouncy. Your kiddo may love it--she likes to move. But as she gets
heavier you will find that she tends to ride lower unless you make the
carrier quite tight. This is an incredible carrier for 24/7 carrying of high
needs babies, but a little less ideal for heavier babies, IMO. Other wraps
include the Didymos, Girasol, Ellaroo (See www.peppermint.com and
www.kangarookorner.com for more on fabric slings like this).

Unpadded ring slings. These are my favorites in general. Why? You can wear
them with or without baby in them for hours without discomfort. They're some
of the prettiest slings out there. They do not feel like baby furniture, but
mom clothing, much as pouches do. And yet, they are still very adjustable
and you can easily make them as high and tight as you want, then quickly let
the sling out for baby to nurse or to set baby down in a carseat, for
example. The choices are many... the silk Zolowear (www.zolowear.com) is
drop dead gorgeous. Many people say this is the most comfortable sling
they've tried, but there are some it just doesn't work for, as with most
carriers. The rings are a bit heavy on this one.
The Maya Wrap is another perennial favorite--the shoulder is different from
the Zolo and again, people either love the shoulder or they hate it.
(www.mayawrap.com) These are also gorgeous, but in a different way--more
ethnic/earthy and less asian/chic. The PeaPod sling is a very cheap
alternative--yet another shoulder design, simple unbleached or hand-dyed
muslin fabric, nylon rings. A good one to "try out" how you like unpadded
slings, but due to largish rings and fairly slick fabric, not great for
heavy babies. How do these fit your criteria?

If you get the right one, you'll be able to wear it constantly. You will
definitely be able to wear baby high and tight and the sling will last in
most cases until you are no longer needed to carry your baby everywhere.
I've carried a 10-year-old in a sling a short distance before--aside from
the PeaPod, most are stronger than you are and can support more weight than
you'd ever want to carry. In and out is usually a snap with ring slings, and
snug is not an issue when they're unpadded. Take out the padding and they're
much cooler. Plus, they are SO much "Mom clothing" that you can and will
wear them without the baby in...which means they're right there when you
need them.

So here's one more option.. The MamaBaby (see www.midwiferytoday.com to buy
and http://groups.yahoo.com/group/babywearing to see photos of the slings
(photo section) and the instructions (file section)) is an unpadded ring
sling, but unlike most others, they're usually sold in pairs and you wear
one sling over each shoulder, so they cross. This means less side-to-side
tip-over in the Kangaroo carry, and more options... for example, I've done a
colic hold with this. For doing dishes, I would snuggle a baby high on my
chest with the rings down at my hips--I've done this several times and it
works great. No bumpage on counters. I've also carried a 4-year-old easily
on my back, using one sling and two slings crossed. In most holds, this is
as good as any other carrier, though many individual carriers may outshine
it in one particular hold or another. But this one can do almost anything
you want it to. I will confess to bias--this *is* my baby--I designed the
system for when I was taking my foster baby to work everyday as a newborn,
and it worked so well for us and he loved it so much that his adoptive
mother kept right on using it. I found that I would often wear just one
sling while I wasn't moving much, then toss a second one on for stability
when we were up and active for a long period.

4- I worry about her legs being scrunched. I followed the "facing
forward" instructions to the letter (legs crossed) and she seems
comfortable, but her legs look so smushed by the fabric of the sling.
Can it be good for her to be so folded in on herself? I know she was
smushed in the womb, but I don't know if there was THAT much pressure
on her legs.


Eh. I'm not wild about the kangaroo carry for the same reason, but the
babies seem to love it! In wraparounds and the MamaBaby you can get her legs
pointing forwards rather than scrunched, so they stick out but she's still
well supported.

5- When she fusses in the sling, I don't know why. Is she
uncomfortable? Hot? Bored? Overstimulated? Hungry? I end up offering
her a bottle every 5 minutes (which seems like it may be a bad habit
to get into). I thought babies were supposed to fuss less when you
carry them everywhere? She seems marginally more content than when she
is propped on her boppy pillow, or in a bouncy seat but not
dramatically happier. She is just so fussy all the time! I am so
drained! I wish I knew what the heck is wrong with her. She doesn't
seem gassy, and it's too early for her to be teething. It's a mystery.


Let's see: Hot: Is she flushed? Sweaty? Are you comfortable? She should be
wearing about the same number of layers of warmth as you are wearing in
general. Are you hot?

Bored: Eh, I don't worry about this one. Never really have.

Overstimulated: Most babies when overstimulated will look away, cry, hiccup,
sleep or otherwise disengage themselves from an overstimulating environment.
What is going on when she's fussy?

Offering bottle... if you're giving bottles, consider offering a pacifier
first. If she latches to the pacifier and sucks strongly but then spits it
out and cries, she's probably hungry. If she doens't bother mouthing it
even, she's probably not hungry.

I find that parental attitude can greatly influence baby. The more wound up
YOU get, the more wound up she will get. This does not mean her fussiness is
your fault, just that in my experience, the more frantically you search for
"the cure", the more upset she can get. I like to have a series of steps I
know I will go through... if baby sounds like she's in pain, I do check for
poky or irritating clothing/diapers, feel her tummy for gas, try for a burp,
try a pacifier or the breast, try a bottle or the breast (depending if I'm
nursing or not), and bounce baby/talk soothingly/sing. But once I've done
all that, I don't keep going back over the list for a while. Sometimes
babies cry no matter what you do, and all you can do is just hold them, rock
them and say, "There, there." Know that it's not your fault she's crying.
Know that she's not doing it to "get" you. Know that what separates good
parents from bad parents... Almost all parents think at some point, "Throw
the baby out the window. I'm just going to throw the baby out the window."
Good parents *don't* throw the baby out the window even when they think
about it. Bad parents throw the baby out the window. You haven't done it,
and I'm sure she's deserved it g, and that makes you a great parent in my
book.

6- I can't pump with her in the sling. I am working on increasing my
supply (supplementing with formula until it gets back to normal) and
this requires that I double pump often throughout the day which I
can't do with her in the sling. Before any of you suggest it, let me
add that I've tried letting her nurse on demand: she has a very weak
suck and tends to fall asleep after less than 5 minutes, so this is
not a strategy that will help my milk supply increase. I think my low
supply and my underactive MER are the reasons why she is
bored/frustrated with nursing and that once I am back to a normal
level she will be happier nursing.


This is a whole 'nother issue. With baby in this situation I would ditch all
bottles and all pacifiers, get some help in and go to bed with her for a
couple days, co-sleeping is not the issue here, but constant access to the
breast is. Quit trying to walk around the house with her constantly--your
helper can walk her a little, but mostly you want her to lie next you you
next to the breast and nurse more or less constantly for a couple days. So
what if she falls asleep after 5 minutes? That's better than crying... and
chances are she'll wake up shortly and try again. And again. And enough of
those 5-minuteses and she gets more the hang of it. Supplement if you must,
but do it with a cup, spoon or dropper, NOT a bottle. And with her in the
bed next to you and falling asleep at the boob, you can pump right after she
nurses. One hint... if you've got an electric pump, try latching her on and
then pumping on one side while she nurse--your letdown will be stronger and
faster than with just her or just the pump. You could even "prime" the
breast with the breastpump and latch her on as soon as you're flowing well,
continuing to pump on the side she's not nursing on. But going to bed with
her for a couple days (24-48 hours is the usual rec.) may make a HUGE
difference. In your energy level, milk supply, quality of latch, etc. If you
do this on a weekend with hubby as your helper, he can do the walkies--all
YOU have to do is cuddle baby, nurse on demand, pump as necessary, and get
up to pee. He should bring you meals in bed, and if necessary, he should
sleep on the couch. We're not talking the rest of her babyhood, but a couple
of critical days that could turn things around for you.

Jenrose

On Tue, 02 Sep 2003 07:12:45 GMT, "Jenrose"
wrote:


the KK cotton pouch is not recommended as a
primary pouch and the fleece pouch is hot. I'll be getting a pair of them in
the next couple weeks to try them out in person--my info at present is from
the manufacturer, not my personal experience.

FWIW I bought a fleece KK pouch, and it was very nice but WAY too hot
for my sweaty summer baby. I gave it to a lady in a colder climate
and she loves it.

I also just wanted to add my 2c for the OP- that my daughter was very
similar to yours- she didn't start to be willing to 'detach' from me
til she was about 4-5 months old- *calendar* months, not 4-week months
btw. She wouldn't even look at me. Just slept, nursed and cried
(mostly nursing and crying). I wore her constantly, all summer in
an unpadded cotton sling. I would latch her on to the breast and just
walk around with her nursing (she wanted to nurse all the time too).
I do co-sleep, or I would be dead now from exhaustion. Anyway, she
gradually changed and now at 8 months is a joyful, engaged, crawling,
standing delightful girl. I never could have imagined such a change,
so hang in there!!! Find a sling that works for you, learn to nurse
in it. Remember to breathe ;-).


Hope

--
Riley 1993 c/s
Tara 2002 HBAC
http://www.babyslings-australia.com

Vijay wrote:

I have a sling (an over the shoulder baby holder) and I use it when
nothing else seems to calm my fussy baby.

I had this sling as well and never got the hang of it. Like you, it was
very hot, and it just didn't work. If I have another baby I would try a
maya wrap pouch. I can't really recommend it as I've never tried it but it
looks cool :-)

1- Can't put her down in the sling once she falls alseep without her
waking up screaming.

I couldn't set Hunter down from anywhere, from any position or he'd wake up.
I could transfer him from myself to dh. We did this quite a bit in the
beginning and I just didn't get a lot done that first year.

She's one of those babies that just forces you to keep moving or
else. It's very tiring for me.

You can only do what you can do. If need to sit, sit down and try to
comfort her. A crying baby that is not being ignored is not the end of the
world. She isn't going to be permanently traumatized. She has a loving
parent with her, she is just unhappy.

3- I can't get anything done with her

Honestly, I didn't get much done for a very long time. Try to pick the
biggies and work on them but some things are just going to be let go :-(

She is 3 months old, and although she is good at holding
her head up,

I got a back pack with Luke and started using it at around 3 months. This
was just a god send because I could do anything with him in the backpack and
he was happy. I had a cruddy second hand one but if you can afford a new
one...the most important feature IMO would be one that would evenly
distribute the weight so it doesn't hurt your back. Others might know what
that would be :-)

5- When she fusses in the sling, I don't know why. Is she
uncomfortable? Hot? Bored? Overstimulated? Hungry? I end up offering
her a bottle every 5 minutes (which seems like it may be a bad habit
to get into). I thought babies were supposed to fuss less when you
carry them everywhere?

Could be to hot, or to cramped. Could also be to overstimulated or tired.
Hunter was the one that I couldn't sit down but Luke would get fussy and it
took me awhile to figure out that he just needed to be left alone so he
could fall asleep. If you think she is tired you may try just laying on the
bed next to her and see if she'll fall asleep lying there after 5-10
minutes. If she is still really crying after 10 minutes you might make a
change. Luke liked the peaceful planets aquarium at that age, or any
relaxing music.

She is just so fussy all the time!

I'd mention it to her doctor. I don't know anything about formula but maybe
something isn't agreeing with her. Has she recently had a cold? If so
getting her ears checked might be a good idea. If their ears hurt they
aren't going to like laying down. When Hunter would get overly tired and
miserable at around 3-4 months I used Hylands Teething tablets. They
allowed him to relax and then fall asleep. He got 4 teeth at 4 months.

Is there anyone out there who actually wears their baby all day long?

I carried Hunter constantly. No sling. I could transfer him on to dh for
naps and this was a godsend.

Also, you need sleep. Sleeping with a baby helps get sleep at this age.
Later on I couldn't sleep through the nursing sessions but in the beginning
it really helped. If your dh doesn't want to co-sleep perhaps you and the
baby could sleep seperatly for a little while or part of the night.

Good luck!

--
Nikki
Mama to Hunter (4) and Luke (2)

Nikki wrote:
Vijay wrote:
5- When she fusses in the sling, I don't know why. Is she
uncomfortable? Hot? Bored? Overstimulated? Hungry? I end up offering
her a bottle every 5 minutes (which seems like it may be a bad habit
to get into). I thought babies were supposed to fuss less when you
carry them everywhere?

Could be to hot, or to cramped. Could also be to overstimulated or
tired. Hunter was the one that I couldn't sit down but Luke would get
fussy and it took me awhile to figure out that he just needed to be
left alone so he could fall asleep. If you think she is tired you
may try just laying on the bed next to her and see if she'll fall
asleep lying there after 5-10 minutes. If she is still really crying
after 10 minutes you might make a change. Luke liked the peaceful
planets aquarium at that age, or any relaxing music.

She is just so fussy all the time!

I'd mention it to her doctor. I don't know anything about formula
but maybe something isn't agreeing with her. Has she recently had a
cold? If so getting her ears checked might be a good idea. If their
ears hurt they aren't going to like laying down. When Hunter would
get overly tired and miserable at around 3-4 months I used Hylands
Teething tablets. They allowed him to relax and then fall asleep.
He got 4 teeth at 4 months.

No one has mentioned this really but you do imply that you are nursing... it
sounds like the three month growth spurt to me. Those growth spurts feeding
wise always seeme to amplify my frustrated feelings regarding everything
else.

Laurel

First disclaimer. I do NOT follow AP or any other "parenting
technique" to the letter. This would be my first advice. Do what works
for you and yours.


(Vijay) wrote in message . com...
Hi. As a first-time mom of an extremely intense high-needs baby, I am
in need of advice from some more experienced moms. I like the sound of
attachment parenting, and it makes sense to me, I just haven't been
able to apply it totally in my daily routine. DH is adamant about not
co-sleeping and I have to respect that, even though I wouldn't mind.
We always respond to her cries right away, and it seems like one of us
is always holding her. We feed her on demand.

I have a sling (an over the shoulder baby holder) and I use it when
nothing else seems to calm my fussy baby. I keep reading that you're
just supposed to wear your baby all day long, but I haven't been able
to do that for several reasons.



As I say, supposed-to-schmosed to. Pitch the book. Do what works for
you.

1- Can't put her down in the sling once she falls alseep without her
waking up screaming. Trust me, I know that in theory you're supposed
to be able to do this, but I can't. I can't even sit down or she wakes
up. She's one of those babies that just forces you to keep moving or
else. It's very tiring for me. I knew parenting was going to be hard,
but this is ridiculous. I am a mess physically and emotionally from
this child. I have absolutely nothing left to offer anyone at the end
of each day, not even DH.



I have 2 things to say on this. One, I do not know how old your baby
is, but it sounds like she is little. So, aside from offering DH
smiles and whatever conversation you can muster, do not worry about
offering him anything. Right now you worry about your baby. And two.
Worry about you, too. If you are a mess physically and emotionally,
consider yourself in less position to well care for your baby. That
makes it feel less selfish when, in fact, you have needs too. So sit
down. Hold your baby and coo at her. Feed her if she is hungry. But in
my opinion, if you are there for her, you needn't literally kill
yourself. Sit down and take a break. Either she will continue to cry
until you are ready to walk again, or she will finally settle down and
slowly figure out that this sitting thing is not so bad.



2- It's hot. I keep my house at 74 all summer and we're still both
drenched in sweat. She doesn't seem to mind it, but she sweats so much
I'm worried she'll get dehydrated. It's worse of course when we go
outside where it's 80-90 and muggy, so I end up staying in the house
all day every day and I'm going insane. She HATES the stroller, and I
keep getting blocked ducts when I use the snugli.



Can't comment, really. I mostly just carried my son in my arms.

3- I can't get anything done with her in the sling and she screams
when I put her down anywhere, even in a swing or bouncy seat right
next to me. She is 3 months old, and although she is good at holding
her head up, she cannot sit up unassisted and this limits the
positions we can use with the sling. I can't get anything done because
if she is lying down in the sling, I can't get close enough to stuff
to use it (sink, counter, etc.). If she is sitting up facing forward,
I have to steady her with one hand and then what good is having one
hand free? All I can do is type one handed (while bouncing on an
exercise ball or she hollers) or pace and talk on the phone or dangle
a toy for her entertainment. When will she be old enough to wear on my
back? Will I have to buy a different sling or backpack for that or can
I use my current one?


I have a thought. Could the idea of carrying your baby around in the
sling become a goal in itself, instead of what is best for you and
her? A 3 month old will often have an attention span. Not much, but a
little. So you can play with her rather than just carry her around in
the sling. If you play with her for whatever attention span she will
maintain, you are building up her interest in the world and putting
them into the bank. So over time, she will see things outside of
comfort from you as interesting. At first, you do not reap much in the
way of rewards since a 3 month old attention span is pretty short. But
over time it does improve.

That said, what does responding instantly to your child? For some
folks, this means doing whatever is necessary come hell or high water
to stop crying from happening. This is not my opinion. If she is
crying, you can sit with her and stroke her without picking her up or
see if she is interested in a toy. She will know you are there and not
deserting her. Basically allow her to cry for a short time to see if
something else besides comfort is at issue. I am not by any means
saying that there is anything wrong with picking up your baby. But you
said you are tired, so I thought other ideas might be helpful.

4- I worry about her legs being scrunched. I followed the "facing
forward" instructions to the letter (legs crossed) and she seems
comfortable, but her legs look so smushed by the fabric of the sling.
Can it be good for her to be so folded in on herself? I know she was
smushed in the womb, but I don't know if there was THAT much pressure
on her legs.

5- When she fusses in the sling, I don't know why. Is she
uncomfortable? Hot? Bored? Overstimulated? Hungry? I end up offering
her a bottle every 5 minutes (which seems like it may be a bad habit
to get into). I thought babies were supposed to fuss less when you
carry them everywhere?


Each baby is different. My son hated his sling. By three months he
would be bored out of his little baby mind if I carried him in a sling
all the time. Maybe, like my son, your daughter is just brilliant and
engaged in her surroundings and full of her own opinions! (Trying to
be optimistic here.)


She seems marginally more content than when she
is propped on her boppy pillow, or in a bouncy seat but not
dramatically happier. She is just so fussy all the time! I am so
drained! I wish I knew what the heck is wrong with her. She doesn't
seem gassy, and it's too early for her to be teething. It's a mystery.



Well if it is "colic" - the light is at the end of the tunnel.
Apparently most colic starts to ebb by about 3 months.

6- I can't pump with her in the sling. I am working on increasing my
supply (supplementing with formula until it gets back to normal) and
this requires that I double pump often throughout the day which I
can't do with her in the sling. Before any of you suggest it, let me
add that I've tried letting her nurse on demand: she has a very weak
suck and tends to fall asleep after less than 5 minutes, so this is
not a strategy that will help my milk supply increase. I think my low
supply and my underactive MER are the reasons why she is
bored/frustrated with nursing and that once I am back to a normal
level she will be happier nursing.


Have you been over to misc.kids.breastfeeding for all the best advice
on getting nursing? I know that nursing was the number one way to make
DS happy when he was that age. It is more than just food. But then
again, if she is too tired, it sounds like it is frustrating her. If
you want breastfeeding help, misc.kids.breastfeeding is the place to
go.

Is there anyone out there who actually wears their baby all day long?
Do you have any tips or encouragement for me? I want to do what is
best for my baby, but I need to do what's right for me too or I'll go
nuts.



And no guilt. I am speaking from my recollection of 3 months old. I
felt guilty every time my needs seemed in conflict with DS's. Babies
require that their needs be met. But very often they are more flexible
than we give them credit for in how we meet them. As a matter of fact,
if you are feeling emotionally bad, and who wouldn't with what you
have been through, your baby may be feeling some negative vibes.


Thanks,

-V.

Al Bell wrote:


I think (as the mother of a 10.5 month old) that it's pretty normal for
any mom who avoids letting her baby cry a lot to get anything done.
Basically, you have a choice: focus on your baby and let your husband (or
paid help) worry about the cooking and cleaning, or have a baby who spends
some time in a crib or playpen crying each day. Most of our moms let us
cry some each day, and we turned out OK, so that's a valid choice, but
letting your husband bring home deli food is also a valid choice.


Hmm...I dunno. I'm all for hiring out whatever would
be helpful and taking advantaage of takeout and other time
(and energy) savers. However, I don't think it's normal
for a baby to have to be held every single second in order
not to be crying. Some babies *are* that way, and you
obviously have to deal with the baby you have, not some
idealized baby. But if you're dealing with a baby who
absolutely doesn't give you any breaks at all, I think
you're got a more demanding than usual baby! Not that
that helps much, I suppose, except that maybe it helps
to know that what you're dealing with is harder than
what many parents have to deal with. I was lucky. My
babies were quite content to amuse themselves on their
own for a little bit while I ran a load of laundry or
started dinner or attended to various other tasks. I
don't think it was necessarily anything I *did* that
made them that way. They just were that way, and
lucky for me. I don't presume to compare my situation
with someone who has a more demanding baby. That's a
much harder job. I've *never* had to let a baby cry,
nor did my mother, in order to get basic stuff done.
Sometimes it's a bit tricky, but planning and a little
extra lead time usually suffices to ensure I can get done
whatever needs doing.

Best wishes,
Ericka

Ericka Kammerer wrote:
Al Bell wrote:


I think (as the mother of a 10.5 month old) that it's pretty normal
for any mom who avoids letting her baby cry a lot to get anything
done. Basically, you have a choice: focus on your baby and let your
husband (or paid help) worry about the cooking and cleaning, or have
a baby who spends some time in a crib or playpen crying each day.
Most of our moms let us cry some each day, and we turned out OK, so
that's a valid choice, but letting your husband bring home deli food
is also a valid choice.


Hmm...I dunno. I'm all for hiring out whatever would
be helpful and taking advantaage of takeout and other time
(and energy) savers. However, I don't think it's normal
for a baby to have to be held every single second in order
not to be crying. Some babies *are* that way, and you
obviously have to deal with the baby you have, not some
idealized baby. But if you're dealing with a baby who
absolutely doesn't give you any breaks at all, I think
you're got a more demanding than usual baby!

Good point. Hunter gave no breaks. If I carried or nursed him he was fine
though so I thought I had an easy baby. Imagine my delight when Luke was
more typical! He napped, I could lay him down, he'd sit for 10-15 minutes
and just look around. Wow, Hunter is lucky he was #1, Lol.

--
Nikki
Mama to Hunter (4) and Luke (2)