I know it's not about getting a gold medal or anything....

so why does it bug me so much when people disparage, or at least
dismiss my efforts?

I really don't *need* a pat on the back (tho the occassional one is
definitely nice!), but what gets me is the person who says "I had low
supply so was forced to supplement and he's now on formula.I didn't
have an easy time with it like you did." or "You're so lucky you had
no problems BF." ummm, it wasn't a cake walk.

We didn't have major issues (no bleeding nipples, no latch problems)
learning to BF, but it *was* hard work at first, esp with DD's oral
aversion initially (tho bottle feeding was equally as hard). It took a
lot of effort and commitment, as well as regular pumping from day one
while DD was in NICU. Yeah, it would have been far easier for me to
just supplement from the start so I didn't have to pump all the time,
but I chose not to. I didn't want to risk a dip in supply due to
supplementing. I realize not everyone experiences that, but I can't
tell you *how* often I've heard/read this - supplement because their
milk 'didn't come in at first', supplement more because they have low
supply, go to formula FT because their 'milk dried up.' But apparently
I had it easy....

I don't care what others choose to do, if it works for them, great. But
why try to dismiss MY efforts?

Ok, just needed to get that off my chest. Honestly I try not to say
much because if I do, I become the Breastfeeding Nazi.

cjra wrote:
so why does it bug me so much when people disparage, or at least
dismiss my efforts?

.

At the risk of sounding like a breastfeeding Nazi, it bugs the hell out
of me when women say, oh I *couldn't* breastfeed. There are not very
many reasons why you *can't*. But almost everyone in my small town
seems to not be able to. One lady told me that her milk always dried up
by the time the baby was 4 days old. I pointed out to her that your
milk usually doesn't come *in* until the 3rd or 4th day, and if you
nurse consistently, it wouldn't dry up. Another lady says she was on
too much medication, and doctors were surprised that she tried. Now
that, I could see. It seems around here like women expect breastfeeding
their babies will be just as easy as giving a bottle, no hassle, no
worry, all natural and sweet, and when it isn't, they don't persevere.
They just say they can't. I just want to say, come on! Just try it for
a month. Or a week even. It's not like they say, geez, I'm having
trouble. Did you have trouble? Then I could offer suggestions. They
just shut down and say nope, can't do it. *Sigh*

Stasya

cjra wrote:
so why does it bug me so much when people disparage, or at least
dismiss my efforts?

I really don't *need* a pat on the back (tho the occassional one is
definitely nice!), but what gets me is the person who says "I had low
supply so was forced to supplement and he's now on formula.I didn't
have an easy time with it like you did." or "You're so lucky you had
no problems BF." ummm, it wasn't a cake walk.

You worked very hard to get breastfeeding going well. It makes sense
that this would bug you.

I think that the reason other mothers say things like this is not to
bother
you, but becasuse they feel bad about their own breastfeeding
difficulties
and that they did not manage to persevere. If they believe that they
gave
up in the same situation where others continued, they feel worse about
themselves. They have a strong emotional need to believe that their
breastfeeding situation was a more difficult than that of women who
continued to breastfeed.

Once I began to think about it this way, it became easier for me to
listen
to these comments and sympathize with the mothers making them.

--Betsy

betsy wrote:
cjra wrote:
so why does it bug me so much when people disparage, or at least
dismiss my efforts?

I really don't *need* a pat on the back (tho the occassional one is
definitely nice!), but what gets me is the person who says "I had low
supply so was forced to supplement and he's now on formula.I didn't
have an easy time with it like you did." or "You're so lucky you had
no problems BF." ummm, it wasn't a cake walk.

You worked very hard to get breastfeeding going well. It makes sense
that this would bug you.

I think that the reason other mothers say things like this is not to
bother
you, but becasuse they feel bad about their own breastfeeding
difficulties
and that they did not manage to persevere. If they believe that they
gave
up in the same situation where others continued, they feel worse about
themselves. They have a strong emotional need to believe that their
breastfeeding situation was a more difficult than that of women who
continued to breastfeed.

You're right. I'm sure that's the case. I have respect for someone who
chooses not to BF, for whatever reason - it's their reason and that's
fine, or who just decides after trying it's too hard, and can just
state that.

Once I began to think about it this way, it became easier for me to
listen
to these comments and sympathize with the mothers making them.

Thanks for putting it that way. It'll help me respond was less
annoyance.
--Betsy

stasya wrote:
cjra wrote:
so why does it bug me so much when people disparage, or at least
dismiss my efforts?

.

At the risk of sounding like a breastfeeding Nazi, it bugs the hell out
of me when women say, oh I *couldn't* breastfeed. There are not very
many reasons why you *can't*. But almost everyone in my small town
seems to not be able to. One lady told me that her milk always dried up
by the time the baby was 4 days old. I pointed out to her that your
milk usually doesn't come *in* until the 3rd or 4th day, and if you
nurse consistently, it wouldn't dry up. Another lady says she was on
too much medication, and doctors were surprised that she tried. Now
that, I could see. It seems around here like women expect breastfeeding
their babies will be just as easy as giving a bottle, no hassle, no
worry, all natural and sweet, and when it isn't, they don't persevere.
They just say they can't. I just want to say, come on! Just try it for
a month. Or a week even. It's not like they say, geez, I'm having
trouble. Did you have trouble? Then I could offer suggestions. They
just shut down and say nope, can't do it. *Sigh*

This is why it's hard not to say something, but I'm pretty careful
about it. If it's someone who isn' thaving any more kids (eg, one of my
sisters, who had a surprise pg at 40, she tried and struggled and gave
up and I fully support that decision, though my other sister harrassed
her about it), there's no point in saying more, really. But if it's
someone who has expressed what seems to be a genuine desire to BF, but
says they tried and couldn't, and is likely to have another child, I am
tempted to offer some suggestions because I hate to see them convince
themselves they can't and not bother trying again.

I know how 'helpful advice' is taken, though, and I can imagine that
any suggestions would feel like a judgement on their choice or make
them feel bad, so I don't bother 99% of the time unless asked. These
sorts of comments I described, though, are a little harder, because i
feel like I need to say something....

cjra wrote:


I know how 'helpful advice' is taken, though, and I can imagine that
any suggestions would feel like a judgement on their choice or make
them feel bad, so I don't bother 99% of the time unless asked. These
sorts of comments I described, though, are a little harder, because i
feel like I need to say something....

I would probably say, It wasn't as easy as you think, trust me! I read
somewhere that there are so many books that deal with pregnancy and
giving birth, and how hard it is, and how to manage it, but when it
comes to those first weeks of breastfeeding, they leave you hanging.
And don't mention how difficult it can be. I nursed through cracked
nipples with all 3 kids, and had mastitis with all 3. It's kind of
like, you *have* to deal with the discomforts of pregnancy and
childbirth. You really have no choice, one way or another there will be
times when you toss up your hands and say, I wish I weren't pregnant,
or I'll be happy when this baby's out. But when you have the
discomforts of breastfeeding, it's so easy for mothers to say, I choose
not to have this discomfort. I don't like it, I don't *have* to deal
with it. I think that if people choose to throw it in your face that
you 'had it easy', you may feel free to disillusion them. No, as a
matter of fact, it wasn't easy. I had (fill in the blanks here,
mastitis, latching problems, etc), but hey, at least I didn't have to
(make bottles, or whatever...)

And good for you for breastfeeding! I was proud of myself for nursing
my last baby for 10 and a half months. (The first one was until 8 and a
half, and the second was 6 months)

Stasya

On Jan 23, 2:11 pm, "stasya" wrote:

a month. Or a week even. It's not like they say, geez, I'm having
trouble. Did you have trouble? Then I could offer suggestions. They
just shut down and say nope, can't do it. *Sigh*

I had trouble, right at first. There were times that I came close to
quitting. I had cracked nipples, and it was VERY paintful. Things
started to get better when my milk came in, and better satisfied my
daughter's hunger, and I could go a little longer between feeds, and
that gave my nipples time to heal. Plus, my daughter and I just
couldn't seem to get the latch right - and it would take us try after
try with both of us getting frustrated. Those first two weeks were
really tough, but after that it started getting better. By about six
weeks, we'd gotten the hang of it such that it was actually easy.

All this, and I am an unabashed breastfeeding Nazi. If there had been
a bottle and/or formula in the house, I likely would have used it!

Cathy Weeks

But if it's
someone who has expressed what seems to be a genuine desire to BF, but
says they tried and couldn't, and is likely to have another child, I am
tempted to offer some suggestions because I hate to see them convince
themselves they can't and not bother trying again.

absolutely, you'd almost being doing the hypothetical future baby by not
saying something, but there are ways of saying something, you could ask
something like "did you see a lactation consultant" (or call la leche
league, or whatever you feel best). Mostly the response will be no, if it's
then combined with something about either their pediatrician or obsetrician,
you could say something about them not having as much training in this area,
then for everyone, tell them how helpful a lactation consultant can be and
if possible recommend one. If possible grab a bunch of their cards and then
look up the local la leche league helpline number and write it on the back
(in the UK there is a national number on the front page of the website, here
you seem to have to dig through to the info for your state to get a helpline
number).

Cheers

Anne

On Jan 23, 5:06 pm, "Cathy Weeks" wrote:
On Jan 23, 2:11 pm, "stasya" wrote:

a month. Or a week even. It's not like they say, geez, I'm having
trouble. Did you have trouble? Then I could offer suggestions. They
just shut down and say nope, can't do it. *Sigh*I had trouble, right at first. There were times that I came close to
quitting. I had cracked nipples, and it was VERY paintful. Things
started to get better when my milk came in, and better satisfied my
daughter's hunger, and I could go a little longer between feeds, and
that gave my nipples time to heal. Plus, my daughter and I just
couldn't seem to get the latch right - and it would take us try after
try with both of us getting frustrated. Those first two weeks were
really tough, but after that it started getting better. By about six
weeks, we'd gotten the hang of it such that it was actually easy.

All this, and I am an unabashed breastfeeding Nazi. If there had been
a bottle and/or formula in the house, I likely would have used it!

We had formula on hand - tons of free samples between the hospital and
just getting them in the mail, I wanted to give them away but DH
insisted we keep them 'just in case.' We didn't initially have bottles,
but when we brought DD home from the hospital we brought some hospital
bottles with us, because she still wasn't feeding well. That first
night home (she was 17 days old) I gave her a bit of EBM via bottle
because I was feeling desperate, but for some reason I never thought to
bother with formula. I suppose I may have if I hadn't already had
plenty of EBM in the freezer. I totally forgot about the formula.

In article .com,
"cjra" wrote:

so why does it bug me so much when people disparage, or at least
dismiss my efforts?

I really don't *need* a pat on the back (tho the occassional one is
definitely nice!), but what gets me is the person who says "I had low
supply so was forced to supplement and he's now on formula.I didn't
have an easy time with it like you did." or "You're so lucky you had
no problems BF." ummm, it wasn't a cake walk.

How about saying, "Well, I DID have problems, as a matter of fact, including
blah blah blah. But I had good advice from whoever you recommend."

--
Chookie -- Sydney, Australia
(Replace "foulspambegone" with "optushome" to reply)

"Parenthood is like the modern stone washing process for denim jeans. You may
start out crisp, neat and tough, but you end up pale, limp and wrinkled."
Kerry Cue