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Encouraging without being a BF Nazi....
Do you find there's a fine line? Or maybe I'm just being extra
sensitive. I have a friend who was due early April. She told me at her shower she wanted to try to BF. Though no one in either of their families had done so, which made her a bit nervous, but generally they were supportive (at least not disparaging - more like 'not everyone can' and 'it's ok if you don't' but not actively discouraging). She has a few friends (myself included) who have BF recently or are still BF. So we talked about some of the challenges, how it's not as easy as first, latching can be difficult, etc etc and I told her I'd put together a package for her - the Nursing Mother's Companion, some breast pads, lanolin, etc. However it took me a few weeks to get it together, and I was going to drop it by this weekend and have a long chat about some of the initial stuff in hospital to be prepared for. Well, she had her baby on Monday! He's healthy and doing great, but at 37wfew days is a bit early and weighed only 5.5 lbs. She had high BP so was on some drug to stablize her the first 36 hours and couldn't BF. When I talked to her husband Wed night, he said she's doing fine, baby's fine, just small and they're really panicking about the low weight, as if he falls under 5 lbs he can't go home. So I asked how BF was going, he said they'd been giving him formula since birth because the nurses insisted he had to be fed and her milk wasn't in yet anyway. He won't latch. She does have a pump and trying to pump but he said 'nothing comes out, she gets a drop of colostrum but it's not enough to get out of the nipple thing". I assured him that was VERY normal. Not to expect milk for a few days at least, save the colostrum, keep trying to nurse. The hospital LC was nowhere to be found and she was stressing out about it all. I tried to offer calming words, but said to insist on the LC coming. I did offer to come myself - I'm no expert but given she had NO ONE around who had any clue, might be better than nothing, although I have a cold so I'd rather not expose anyone to my germs. I tried so hard to be cautious - encouraging but also letting him know 'it's ok if in the end it's too difficult.' I do think it's ok, but I also would hate for her to give up without proper advice/support. It sounds like the nurses basically give her a few minutes to try to get him to latch, and when he doesn't, whisk him away to give him formula. Her DH is supportive, but also very concerned that she's scared/tired/stressed and in protecting her, would rather the baby get formula so all can relax. Knowing how I had to argue with some nurses about letting me BF, and I am quite assertive, I fear my very sweet but timid friend will give in. I don't want to make her feel bad for not BF if that's the route she goes, but I want to encourage too. Anyway, I just said to call me, any time of day or night, if they want me to come and help in anyway. But now I'm worried the DH will not convey all that, and is a little annoyed. We're close, but not *that* close that I feel I can do much more without her asking. But now I feel bad. |
#2
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Encouraging without being a BF Nazi....
On Mar 30, 1:02 pm, "cjra" wrote:
Do you find there's a fine line? Or maybe I'm just being extra sensitive. I have a friend who was due early April. She told me at her shower she wanted to try to BF. Though no one in either of their families had done so, which made her a bit nervous, but generally they were supportive (at least not disparaging - more like 'not everyone can' and 'it's ok if you don't' but not actively discouraging). She has a few friends (myself included) who have BF recently or are still BF. So we talked about some of the challenges, how it's not as easy as first, latching can be difficult, etc etc and I told her I'd put together a package for her - the Nursing Mother's Companion, some breast pads, lanolin, etc. However it took me a few weeks to get it together, and I was going to drop it by this weekend and have a long chat about some of the initial stuff in hospital to be prepared for. Well, she had her baby on Monday! He's healthy and doing great, but at 37wfew days is a bit early and weighed only 5.5 lbs. She had high BP so was on some drug to stablize her the first 36 hours and couldn't BF. When I talked to her husband Wed night, he said she's doing fine, baby's fine, just small and they're really panicking about the low weight, as if he falls under 5 lbs he can't go home. So I asked how BF was going, he said they'd been giving him formula since birth because the nurses insisted he had to be fed and her milk wasn't in yet anyway. He won't latch. She does have a pump and trying to pump but he said 'nothing comes out, she gets a drop of colostrum but it's not enough to get out of the nipple thing". I assured him that was VERY normal. Not to expect milk for a few days at least, save the colostrum, keep trying to nurse. The hospital LC was nowhere to be found and she was stressing out about it all. I tried to offer calming words, but said to insist on the LC coming. I did offer to come myself - I'm no expert but given she had NO ONE around who had any clue, might be better than nothing, although I have a cold so I'd rather not expose anyone to my germs. I tried so hard to be cautious - encouraging but also letting him know 'it's ok if in the end it's too difficult.' I do think it's ok, but I also would hate for her to give up without proper advice/support. It sounds like the nurses basically give her a few minutes to try to get him to latch, and when he doesn't, whisk him away to give him formula. Her DH is supportive, but also very concerned that she's scared/tired/stressed and in protecting her, would rather the baby get formula so all can relax. Knowing how I had to argue with some nurses about letting me BF, and I am quite assertive, I fear my very sweet but timid friend will give in. I don't want to make her feel bad for not BF if that's the route she goes, but I want to encourage too. Anyway, I just said to call me, any time of day or night, if they want me to come and help in anyway. But now I'm worried the DH will not convey all that, and is a little annoyed. We're close, but not *that* close that I feel I can do much more without her asking. But now I feel bad. I should add, that I have seen how quickly people get defensive, even if attacking is the furthest thing from your mind. For example, I've never ever suggested anyone else should homebirth. I've talked about it, and told others they should do what's best for them. It's most important to feel comfortable, etc. After this friend's shower, the obvious topic of birth experience came up with a few of us remaining. She remarked on how amazed she was about my drug-free approach. I just said it was very tolerable, mind over matter and all that and I was happy with it all- at least that part of it. No comment on taking drugs, no comment on anyone else's birth experience. I had been trying to be careful not to scare her about the 'horrors of childirth' that everyone seems to think pregnant women want to hear, so I downplayed it. But at that point the husband of the other friend there jumped in defensively arguing that "it's not like that for everyone. Some women have it much harder than you. A - his wife - had to do blah blah blah...." I agreed fully, said yes it's different for all, and everyone deals differently and it's best to do what you're comfortable with. but he really went on the defensive so I just said no more. All that makes me all the more worried her DH took our conversation pumping/BF the wrong way. |
#3
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Encouraging without being a BF Nazi....
I just feel sorry for your friend, I'm not really sure what you can do,
other than repeat your offer of help. When hospitals/nurses manage things badly, then the mum gives up on her attempts to breastfeeding, often the mum still feels really guilty, which does no one any good and of course the baby is not breastfed. It erks me how much they freak about the size of the baby, it's health that is far more important, yes, weight is a flag to watch more closely, but not a flag to force feed formula. I feel so lucky that I was on a drip for a while during labour (low blood pressure) as my DS was barely above the 2.5kg (5lb 8oz) cut of for freaking out and I expect he dropped below it, but because they hadn't got the flag for watching him more closely, we weren't hassled. Had he ever been weighed and found to be below the threshold, there would have been no reason to do anything differently, I'm sure he was below it, but he did fine on normal care, he had moderate jaundice and it was a struggle to get him feeding well, but lights weren't necessary, I suspect had his weight been measured, lights would suddenly have become necessary making everything much more tricky. Skin to skin was also really important for us early on, again, they'd have probably shoved him in a warmer had he been measured below 2.5kg, yet skin to skin is even more beneficial for babies with any problems. I think it really shows the importance of preparing for when bad stuff happens as well as normality. I don't know what would have happened had we ended up in transitional care, I don't think I'd have had the sense to have DH glued to the baby and only give anything but breastmilk in an emergency (having said that DH really is a BF nazi and would likely have done that himself!). It's hard, I had the same happen with a friend of mine, she had OC and was induced at 37 weeks, ending in a c-section, baby had a slight dusky episode and was whipped away from mum, no one even mentioned bfing to her in the first 24hrs, she partially bf for a month. I saw the mum at 16hrs post birth, had a breastpump with her before any midwife had mentioned it, but it was already too late. Anne |
#4
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Encouraging without being a BF Nazi....
cjra wrote:
Do you find there's a fine line? Oh, God, yes. And I still haven't worked out how to negotiate it. But the problems I have are with things like figuring out how to broach the subject in the first place without it sounding as though I'm going to follow it up with a tirade, or with finding out what led a woman to choose formula-feeding without sounding as though I'm being critical. The situation you described isn't the same at all. This woman has said she wants to breastfeed; I think it's totally reasonable to be quite proactive about offering support in helping her to do so. IIRC, didn't your baby have some trouble while you were still in hospital? That's the perfect opening for going along and offering support - tell her that you remember all too well how awful it can be, and you wanted to see how she was doing and to ask whether there was anything you can do to help. It's not even just about the breastfeeding - she may want someone to talk to about what's happening generally. If the nurses aren't that helpful when it comes to breastfeeding, who's to say they're helpful when it comes to explaining what's going on, making her feel involved, encouraging her to hold the baby? She needs to know that she has a right to all those things. Doesn't have to be a militant thing - just go along, offer support, listen to what's going on, ask some gentle questions, share your own experiences, sympathise, and see what you can help with. As far as the breastfeeding goes, you can be there to sympathise, to tell her that the first few weeks are almost always the worst bit, especially when a baby has problems like this, and that if she can manage to hang in there it's likely to get a *lot* better after that. Does she know about using slow-flow teats or even a syringe to feed the baby, so that he doesn't develop nipple confusion? Why does she have to wait for the nurses to let her try to latch him on anyway? She should be able to hold him any time, not be limited to a few minutes when feeding time comes around. You can let her know all of this without being militant about it. If she or her husband (I have a feeling the latter is more likely) starts being obstructive, it might be worth actually acknowledging the issue: "I know some women will give other women a really hard time about not wanting to breastfeed, and I don't want to do that at all. If you really don't want to, that's fine. But I know a lot of people who didn't breastfeed when they really did want to just because they didn't have the support they needed when they needed it, and they ended up regretting it. I hate it when that happens to anyone." Overall... I think if you base it on what you would have wanted in that situation, you won't go far wrong. HTH. All the best, Sarah -- http://www.goodenoughmummy.typepad.com "That which can be destroyed by the truth, should be" - P. C. Hodgell |
#5
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Encouraging without being a BF Nazi....
Sarah Vaughan wrote:
IIRC, didn't your baby have some trouble while you were still in hospital? That's the perfect opening for going along and offering support - tell her that you remember all too well how awful it can be, and you wanted to see how she was doing and to ask whether there was anything you can do to help. It's not even just about the breastfeeding - she may want someone to talk to about what's happening generally. Meant to add that I think it's perfectly OK to go along and offer help whether or not you're close friends now. You know her, you've been through something similar, you know it's a difficult situation and you have help to offer. That's plenty of reason. All the best, Sarah -- http://www.goodenoughmummy.typepad.com "That which can be destroyed by the truth, should be" - P. C. Hodgell |
#6
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Encouraging without being a BF Nazi....
"cjra" wrote in message ups.com... Do you find there's a fine line? Or maybe I'm just being extra sensitive. I agree this is a tough one. When I had troubles in the beginning the first 'help' I got was a nurse that said 'yes it's supposed to hurt, you just have to toughen up' without checking my latch or explaining about strong sucks. Then at home all I had was a handful of breastfeeding leaflets that said 'no it shouldn't hurt, just keep going till it doesn't hurt' - or something equally as useless. Emotionally I had no support at all until a decent midwife turned up a few days later to check his weight gain. She was fab and if it hadn't been for her I could have given up - and I was pretty stubborn about bf'ing. If I had had a friend like you, who seems well aware of that fine line and how to balance it so you are supportive and encouraging without being blunt and forceful, then I'm sure emotionally I would have coped much better! I think the only way you will know if she really wants help is to go visist and listen to what she, not just the dh, has to say. Good luck! Jeni |
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