Need Advice... wife wants to do everything herself!!!

Hello, first post to a newsgroup in a long, long time!

Well, this is the situation. My wife, who usually insists on doing
everything herself, also wants to give birth by herself (keep reading...
with NO help!!!
We live in Australia. We can't afford to have a mid-wife for a home birth,
but medicare would probably cover the cost of a mid-wife if we went to the
hospital. We would both have liked to have a home birth with a mid-wife
present, but since we can't afford it, for the sake of safety everyone I
know (me, my mother, mother-in-law, sister, friends) has suggested that we
MUST go to the hospital. This is her/our first child. She hates the idea of
everyone looking at her and keeps telling me how uncomfortable she'll be at
the hospital (whether it's a male OR female doctor OR mid-wife helping
out). She is 22 and thinks she know everything! She believes she can do
everything herself at home without any help... not even from me or her
mother! Though, even with our help it still won't be a good situation. We
can't help if there are complications. The only thing we could do is call
an ambulance to take her to the hospital (if we can't force her to get
there ourselves), where my wife doesn't want to go in the first place!
Everytime I (or her mother) try to talk to her about this, she insists
she can do it all herself and gets mad. She says it's HER decision to make.
But, she forgets that there is another life involved and I feel she is
being quite selfish and not thinking about the baby's well-being one bit.
Just her own comfort level. Obviously she won't listen to me because I'm
the man and I couldn't POSSIBLY understand her (this is the only major
thing we fight about, otherwise our marriage is wonderful and I love her
VERY MUCH!!!). But, it's not just me she won't listen to, it's her mother
and ANYONE else who doesn't agree with her!
Please, I need help. What can I do to convince her that she can't do it all
herself and she needs go to the hospital (if we could afford a mid-wife, I
wouldn't have a problem with a home birth, in fact I think it would make my
wife a lot more comfortable, but we can't). The due date is just over a
month from now and I'm worried about her safety and the safety of our child
.. I'm worried the time will come and I won't be near her and she won't ask
anyone for help, she'll just give birth on her own in an unsafe environment
(not necessarily because it's not in a hospital, but because she hasn't
really planned for anything, even if she wanted a proper home birth she
hasn't done anything to provide for it).

Thanks for any help or suggestions you may provide... please post them to
this group!

Jay

Jay,

I appreciate your situation. I would have thought the same thing before my
last pregnancy/birth during which time I was completely reeducated.

You aren't going to like my opinion. If your wife is able to listen to her
body and surrender to labor, and you guys are able to stay out of her way
and not make her feel observed and in danger, she and the baby are probably
as safe or safer than birthing in the hospital.

If she is doing all this my belief is that she will get a firm message that
something is wrong, and ask for help, if a complication is arising that can
be helped by assistance.

You will be wise to subscribe to the yahoo group cbirth and post this
question to the unassisted birthers there. An unsafe situation for your
baby would be for you to do something disrespectful and frightening to her
during labor and birth.

What is it you think she needs to do to prepare for a proper homebirth,
other than enjoy the rest of her pregnancy?

Do a web search on Michael Odent, too.

I am not a hippie fruitcake by the way. I am an American lawyer in a large
city. I drive an SUV. I vote for conservatives. I watch too much
television. If that helps put this into some perspective.

Have a GREAT and meaningful birth. Love your wife, let her birth without
the tears and pelvic floor damage of managed births, let her baby come out
quickly and gently as it can be when women have truly normal births in
safety and privacy and aren't stalled out by prying eyes and hands.

-- Dagny




"Jay" wrote in message ...
Hello, first post to a newsgroup in a long, long time!

Well, this is the situation. My wife, who usually insists on doing
everything herself, also wants to give birth by herself (keep reading...
with NO help!!!
We live in Australia. We can't afford to have a mid-wife for a home birth,
but medicare would probably cover the cost of a mid-wife if we went to the
hospital. We would both have liked to have a home birth with a mid-wife
present, but since we can't afford it, for the sake of safety everyone I
know (me, my mother, mother-in-law, sister, friends) has suggested that we
MUST go to the hospital. This is her/our first child. She hates the idea
of
everyone looking at her and keeps telling me how uncomfortable she'll be
at
the hospital (whether it's a male OR female doctor OR mid-wife helping
out). She is 22 and thinks she know everything! She believes she can do
everything herself at home without any help... not even from me or her
mother! Though, even with our help it still won't be a good situation. We
can't help if there are complications. The only thing we could do is call
an ambulance to take her to the hospital (if we can't force her to get
there ourselves), where my wife doesn't want to go in the first place!
Everytime I (or her mother) try to talk to her about this, she
insists
she can do it all herself and gets mad. She says it's HER decision to
make.
But, she forgets that there is another life involved and I feel she is
being quite selfish and not thinking about the baby's well-being one bit.
Just her own comfort level. Obviously she won't listen to me because I'm
the man and I couldn't POSSIBLY understand her (this is the only major
thing we fight about, otherwise our marriage is wonderful and I love her
VERY MUCH!!!). But, it's not just me she won't listen to, it's her mother
and ANYONE else who doesn't agree with her!
Please, I need help. What can I do to convince her that she can't do it
all
herself and she needs go to the hospital (if we could afford a mid-wife, I
wouldn't have a problem with a home birth, in fact I think it would make
my
wife a lot more comfortable, but we can't). The due date is just over a
month from now and I'm worried about her safety and the safety of our
child
. I'm worried the time will come and I won't be near her and she won't ask
anyone for help, she'll just give birth on her own in an unsafe
environment
(not necessarily because it's not in a hospital, but because she hasn't
really planned for anything, even if she wanted a proper home birth she
hasn't done anything to provide for it).

Thanks for any help or suggestions you may provide... please post them to
this group!

Jay

What is it you think she needs to do to prepare for a proper homebirth,
other than enjoy the rest of her pregnancy?
-- Dagny


This will sound smart-assy so I apologize now for not knowing how else to
word my question - is a homebirth really that easy? Surely there's more to
it than just staying home and having the baby. There's *nothing* you need
to do to prepare?

"Dagny" wrote in
t:

Jay,

I appreciate your situation. I would have thought the same thing
before my last pregnancy/birth during which time I was completely
reeducated.

You aren't going to like my opinion. If your wife is able to listen
to her body and surrender to labor, and you guys are able to stay out
of her way and not make her feel observed and in danger, she and the
baby are probably as safe or safer than birthing in the hospital.

If she is doing all this my belief is that she will get a firm message
that something is wrong, and ask for help, if a complication is
arising that can be helped by assistance.

You will be wise to subscribe to the yahoo group cbirth and post this
question to the unassisted birthers there. An unsafe situation for
your baby would be for you to do something disrespectful and
frightening to her during labor and birth.

What is it you think she needs to do to prepare for a proper
homebirth, other than enjoy the rest of her pregnancy?

Do a web search on Michael Odent, too.

I am not a hippie fruitcake by the way. I am an American lawyer in a
large city. I drive an SUV. I vote for conservatives. I watch too
much television. If that helps put this into some perspective.

Have a GREAT and meaningful birth. Love your wife, let her birth
without the tears and pelvic floor damage of managed births, let her
baby come out quickly and gently as it can be when women have truly
normal births in safety and privacy and aren't stalled out by prying
eyes and hands.

-- Dagny




"Jay" wrote in message
...
Hello, first post to a newsgroup in a long, long time!

Well, this is the situation. My wife, who usually insists on doing
everything herself, also wants to give birth by herself (keep
reading... with NO help!!!
We live in Australia. We can't afford to have a mid-wife for a home
birth, but medicare would probably cover the cost of a mid-wife if we
went to the hospital. We would both have liked to have a home birth
with a mid-wife present, but since we can't afford it, for the sake
of safety everyone I know (me, my mother, mother-in-law, sister,
friends) has suggested that we MUST go to the hospital. This is
her/our first child. She hates the idea
of
everyone looking at her and keeps telling me how uncomfortable she'll
be
at
the hospital (whether it's a male OR female doctor OR mid-wife
helping out). She is 22 and thinks she know everything! She believes
she can do everything herself at home without any help... not even
from me or her mother! Though, even with our help it still won't be a
good situation. We can't help if there are complications. The only
thing we could do is call an ambulance to take her to the hospital
(if we can't force her to get there ourselves), where my wife doesn't
want to go in the first place!
Everytime I (or her mother) try to talk to her about this, she
insists
she can do it all herself and gets mad. She says it's HER decision to
make.
But, she forgets that there is another life involved and I feel she
is being quite selfish and not thinking about the baby's well-being
one bit. Just her own comfort level. Obviously she won't listen to me
because I'm the man and I couldn't POSSIBLY understand her (this is
the only major thing we fight about, otherwise our marriage is
wonderful and I love her VERY MUCH!!!). But, it's not just me she
won't listen to, it's her mother and ANYONE else who doesn't agree
with her! Please, I need help. What can I do to convince her that she
can't do it
all
herself and she needs go to the hospital (if we could afford a
mid-wife, I wouldn't have a problem with a home birth, in fact I
think it would make
my
wife a lot more comfortable, but we can't). The due date is just over
a month from now and I'm worried about her safety and the safety of
our
child
. I'm worried the time will come and I won't be near her and she
won't ask anyone for help, she'll just give birth on her own in an
unsafe
environment
(not necessarily because it's not in a hospital, but because she
hasn't really planned for anything, even if she wanted a proper home
birth she hasn't done anything to provide for it).

Thanks for any help or suggestions you may provide... please post
them to this group!

Jay




I appreciate your advice and will look into the information you provided.
Thank you.

Jay

"Sophie" wrote in message
...
What is it you think she needs to do to prepare for a proper homebirth,
other than enjoy the rest of her pregnancy?
-- Dagny


This will sound smart-assy so I apologize now for not knowing how else to
word my question - is a homebirth really that easy? Surely there's more
to
it than just staying home and having the baby. There's *nothing* you need
to do to prepare?


There are preparations you can make, that I would describe as largely
ritualistic in function. There are things I WOULD do, set up deep birth
pool, get some cord clamps in case there is an unforseen emergency and I
don't want to mess with string, maybe get some plastic for the bed in case I
end up there, and other things. Wouldn't describe these as NEED.

"Sophie" wrote in message
...
What is it you think she needs to do to prepare for a proper homebirth,
other than enjoy the rest of her pregnancy?
-- Dagny


This will sound smart-assy so I apologize now for not knowing how else to
word my question - is a homebirth really that easy? Surely there's more
to
it than just staying home and having the baby. There's *nothing* you need
to do to prepare?



For us the preparations were simple. Get some chux pads, sterilize some
shoelaces and scissors and make sure the bathtub was clean. We did have a
phone number near the phone - our favorite nurse who said we could call her
any time of day or night if we needed to, to tell her about the birth or to
have her come over if we were worried. And of course the normal things you
would have on hand no matter what kind of birth you have like pads and all.

Really..it wasn't a big deal No birth kits, no rush to the hospital, no
dealing with what to do with the other kids. Just have a baby, call the
grandparents, take a nap - dh cooked dinner and took care of rinsing the tub
out and checking the placenta and putting it away. And life went on like
normal + 1g

Stephanie
mom to 7 - 4 hospital births and 3 unassisted homebirths
17, 15, 12, 8, 6, 3 and 11 months (1 in a week)

What is it you think she needs to do to prepare for a proper homebirth,
other than enjoy the rest of her pregnancy?
-- Dagny


This will sound smart-assy so I apologize now for not knowing how else to
word my question - is a homebirth really that easy? Surely there's more to
it than just staying home and having the baby. There's *nothing* you need
to do to prepare?

a plastic sheet might be useful....

"Jay" wrote
Hello, first post to a newsgroup in a long, long time!

Well, this is the situation. My wife, who usually insists on doing
everything herself, also wants to give birth by herself (keep reading...
with NO help!!!


Jay,

If your wife is serious then I would suggest that you and she both look into
unassisted birth sites - UCBirth on Yahoo groups is very active and there
are some very nice people there with good advice.

I personally don't see anything wrong with her wanting to do it herself -
it's not that hard. As far as preparations - some kind of waterproof pads
for labor and right after the birth, a fairly clean environment for the
birth.. something sterile for the cord - cutting and tying, nasal bulb
syringe in case the baby is overly snuffly (though there are many people who
just suck out the junk with their mouth and that's fine too), and pads for
your wife after birth.

I understand that you're not comfortble with it, and that is going to make
it harder for both of you. My husband wasn't too sure the first time we had
an unassisted birth but he was the first one to assume we'd do it that way
again the next two times. It was more empowering for him, I think, than it
was for me! He wasn't the doctor, he wasn't the bystander. He was the
husband and the daddy.

He held my hand, he supported me during back labor, he made sure I had
something to drink. He was the first one to hold his baby and while he did
hold the babies we had in the hospital - his relationship with the youngest
3 is more intense than with the older 4. Part of that is because he's older
now and more into being a daddy. Part of it is from being so involved with
the labor and births.

If your wife doesn't want you to help - well, some women like to be
completely alone when they birth. I prefer my husband to be with me but
that's just me. I also wouldn't have minded my mom being here the last few
times but that just wasn't possible. Help is a weird word in birthing too -
for me, medical help is much different than my husband's help. If I needed a
doctor, I'd go to the hospital. At home, help is along the lines of
backrubs, encouragement when I'm rady to give up.. talking to me or just
staying quiet while I get through the contraction. Sure, it may mean
checking to see if it's really the baby's head that is coming out - but that
doesn't fall into medical, that is still husband help.

Bottom line - check into resources and talk to her. Listen to her too. If
she's really that uncomfortable around other people, I can say from
experience that it makes listening to your body and getting through labor
and birth much harder to do without medications and other interventions. The
chances of things going wrong in a planned homebirth (assisted or
unassisted) are really pretty low. Based on the hundreds of women on just
one of the many lists. There have been quite a few transfers, but that's
part of listening to your body. If it says there is trouble, you go in.
Period. We came very close to transferring with one of ours but as we were
getting ready to go to the hospital, baby cooperated and was born fine and
healthy There is no shame in transferring.

Best of luck - and whatever you both decide, make it a good experience.
Don't let money (or lack of it) make the decision for you. She is right to a
point - it is her body that's going to be doing the work. However, I think
that your feelings are just as valid and you will both need to agree on
something. If my husband had been totally against unassisted and could make
a better argument against it than I could for it - we would have had
hospital births for the last 3. Period. I did my research, I let him know
what I found and where he could look at it for himself.

Stephanie
mom to 7 - 4 hospital and 3 unassisted homebirths
17, 15, 12, 8, 6, 3 and 11 months (1 in a week)

We live in Australia. We can't afford to have a mid-wife for a home birth,
but medicare would probably cover the cost of a mid-wife if we went to the
hospital. We would both have liked to have a home birth with a mid-wife
present, but since we can't afford it, for the sake of safety everyone I
know (me, my mother, mother-in-law, sister, friends) has suggested that we
MUST go to the hospital. This is her/our first child. She hates the idea
of
everyone looking at her and keeps telling me how uncomfortable she'll be
at
the hospital (whether it's a male OR female doctor OR mid-wife helping
out). She is 22 and thinks she know everything! She believes she can do
everything herself at home without any help... not even from me or her
mother! Though, even with our help it still won't be a good situation. We
can't help if there are complications. The only thing we could do is call
an ambulance to take her to the hospital (if we can't force her to get
there ourselves), where my wife doesn't want to go in the first place!
Everytime I (or her mother) try to talk to her about this, she
insists
she can do it all herself and gets mad. She says it's HER decision to
make.
But, she forgets that there is another life involved and I feel she is
being quite selfish and not thinking about the baby's well-being one bit.
Just her own comfort level. Obviously she won't listen to me because I'm
the man and I couldn't POSSIBLY understand her (this is the only major
thing we fight about, otherwise our marriage is wonderful and I love her
VERY MUCH!!!). But, it's not just me she won't listen to, it's her mother
and ANYONE else who doesn't agree with her!
Please, I need help. What can I do to convince her that she can't do it
all
herself and she needs go to the hospital (if we could afford a mid-wife, I
wouldn't have a problem with a home birth, in fact I think it would make
my
wife a lot more comfortable, but we can't). The due date is just over a
month from now and I'm worried about her safety and the safety of our
child
. I'm worried the time will come and I won't be near her and she won't ask
anyone for help, she'll just give birth on her own in an unsafe
environment
(not necessarily because it's not in a hospital, but because she hasn't
really planned for anything, even if she wanted a proper home birth she
hasn't done anything to provide for it).

Thanks for any help or suggestions you may provide... please post them to
this group!

Jay

For us the preparations were simple. Get some chux pads, sterilize some
shoelaces and scissors and make sure the bathtub was clean. We did have a
phone number near the phone - our favorite nurse who said we could call
her
any time of day or night if we needed to, to tell her about the birth or
to
have her come over if we were worried. And of course the normal things you
would have on hand no matter what kind of birth you have like pads and
all.

Really..it wasn't a big deal No birth kits, no rush to the hospital, no
dealing with what to do with the other kids. Just have a baby, call the
grandparents, take a nap - dh cooked dinner and took care of rinsing the
tub
out and checking the placenta and putting it away. And life went on like
normal + 1g

Stephanie
mom to 7 - 4 hospital births and 3 unassisted homebirths
17, 15, 12, 8, 6, 3 and 11 months (1 in a week)

Wow, that's wild. Were you scared at all?

"Sophie" wrote



Really..it wasn't a big deal No birth kits, no rush to the hospital,
no
dealing with what to do with the other kids. Just have a baby, call the
grandparents, take a nap - dh cooked dinner and took care of rinsing the
tub
out and checking the placenta and putting it away. And life went on like
normal + 1g

Stephanie
mom to 7 - 4 hospital births and 3 unassisted homebirths
17, 15, 12, 8, 6, 3 and 11 months (1 in a week)

Wow, that's wild. Were you scared at all?


Scared. Hmm. I think scared would fit for the last 20 minutes of the first
UC (that's the one we almost transferred) but other than that, I don't
remember there being fear. I do remember moments of "Why am I going through
labor again?!) and "I want to quit, I'm done for now".. but those are normal
for me anyway. I still have days I wonder why I had more than one child

I think the only fear I had overall was that some overly concerned ex-friend
would decide to call the police or CPS. Pain wasn't a big fear. I was more
scared that if I planned to go to the hospital, I wouldn't make it in time!
My doctor with my #4 actually started me on the path to UC, though maybe not
on purpose. Because of my history of pretty quick labors, he suggested that
I have some basic supplies on hand for that birth and gave me his home
phone# so he or his wife could come get me if need be.. or attend the birth
there if it was almost time to deliver. I did go to the hospital for that
one, and he even made it in time unlike my docs with the first 3g 2nd was
caught by the Specialist at the Naval hospital, doc got there a couple hours
after to see how things were going. She thought I was just being a panicky
female in labor when the spec. had called her and asked if I could have a
shot of something to take the edge off of the back labor. Nope - baby was
born 15 minutes after that shot

Stephanie
mom to 7 (who first thought about UC after having #1 at an Army hospital..
swore I'd have the baby by myself in a field before going back there again!)
17, 15, 12, 8, 6, 3 and 11 months