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Another question about funerals/death, by me.



 
 
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  #1  
Old January 17th 09, 06:29 AM posted to misc.kids
Kat
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 177
Default Another question about funerals/death, by me.

My uncle died this morning, so now I have a funeral to go to.
This was an uncle that I was always very, very close to.
He ended up in the hospital (again) almost 3 weeks ago. His health has been
horrible for a couple of years now, actually. Bad diabetic (insulin
dependant 3 or 4 times a day, but would often forget or neglect) over
weight, heart disease, liver and kidney problems, high blood pressure,
breathing and walking problems within the last 6-12 months or so... Just
generally speaking, very bad health.
I went on Sunday to visit him in the hospital. I did not want to take DDs
there (they're 2 and 3) but I left it up to DS (who is 8, almost) if he
wanted to go to the hospital and visit or stay at my aunt's house while I
went. He decided he'd rather stay and not go to the hospital, and I didn't
push him either way. Quite frankly, after visiting, I was actually glad he
opted to stay... When I first walked in the room, I hardly recognized my
uncle. He did not look good. He was hooked up to all kinds of IVs and
breathing things and just did not look like him. I actually had to take a
second look at him to make sure, he looked that bad. He was sitting in a
chair at the foot of the bed and was in fairly good spirits, which was a
change - lately we've all found he's gotten very miserable the last year or
so, but I've also heard that this isn't so uncommon with diabetes, getting
older and just changing.

A friend had offered to watch the kids for whenever the funeral was set for.
I told her that would be great, buuuut... I was just going to check with my
mom about it. I thought I will take the kids ONLY if my aunt actually
*wants* them there. If she does not want them there, then I would not take
them. This was something that I was going to do what my aunt wanted, even
if it was a big inconvenience to me. As it turns out, my aunt had already
said she wants all the kids there, no questions. She had specifically said
that even before I asked my mom about it. I also know that with my family
there, I won't be left feeling stranded with 3 young children completely on
my own in a group of strangers with NO help.

I now have 1 question about that... I was thinking of putting the girls in
some cute little outfit - not what is normally seen at funerals... the dark,
more "formal" attire. For one, none of the kids have much I'd say was good
for a funeral, and I know it's true that often young kids bring some joy and
life to those around them at funerals and similar (like 'celebrations of
life' - whatever you want to give the name as) It's supposed to be nice
next week, and I was even considering some cute little spring type dresses
or something... And then letting DS pick out his own clothes, whatever he
wants to wear. He does have dress pants/shirts, but I doubt he'd be
comfortable in that. Is this appropriate? I don't want to keep calling my
mom and asking her... I also don't want to offend her, but to me, putting
young children in black or dark clothes seems depressing a little.

Now, the other part...
My mom called me this morning to tell me the news around 1030 or so. DS had
already been long gone to school. He came home and I actually still haven't
mentioned anything to him. Again, I asked my mom about it, or, actually,
she asked me if I said anything yet this evening around supper time - and
when I talked to my dad a little earlier, he asked the same thing. I was
trying to figure out how, exactly, you tell an 8 year old about this. I've
never really had to directly deal with this before. The last time there was
a death in the immediate family, I guess it would have been when I was about
2-3 months pregnant with DS, and it was my mom's brother. DS (obviously)
never met him but knows his picture and knows he's named after this uncle
that died just before he was born (DS has my uncle's first name as his
middle name) I really don't know how to approach this situation now. DS is
aware that Uncle has been sick for a while now, and at 8, they do have an
understanding of death. A boy in DS's school (not class) had his father die
a couple months back and DS said something about so-and-so's dad died in a
car accident that was in the news and that was pretty much the end of that.
I specifically told my mom that I didn't even know where to begin about my
uncle, and my mom said she totally understood that. My aunt, in the
background through the phone, said to tell DS that uncle died and is now an
angel in heaven. I think that would be totally fine to say. It's at his
level for understanding, and he is not a stupid boy. He knows about dying
and all that, as I'm sure most kids his age do. I think part of my problem
is when to tell him. I really was thinking I should tell him soon, but then
my mom suggested waiting until after the weekend. The funeral is on Tuesday
afternoon and I will not be sending DS to school that day, and my mom said
to maybe tell him the night before or the morning of the funeral. I wasn't
sure if that was fair, really, but then now I'm starting to wonder if that
would be alright to do. Tell him that Uncle died when he was at school in
the morning on Friday, but there was no point in maybe having him upset over
the weekend and waiting until that day to tell him so there's not that
sitting around, waiting, thinking time from now until the funeral... Tell
him that day and then we'll go to the funeral (there's going to be no body
as they're doing a cremation) and just have it all in one day kind of
thing - if that makes ANY sense at all? Or would that be wrong to wait
until after the weekend to tell him?

Now... I know EVERYONE has their own opinions on funerals and death and all
that, and so I am really hoping this does NOT start some kind of big fight
or argument. I'm just looking for some honest opinions that might help a
little with this. I know I'm having a hard time with it, so I'm just really
wondering if DS should as well over the weekend and Monday with school. DDs
don't really know any different, so there's no real point in trying to
explain anything to a pair of preschoolers... DD1's only dealings with death
are a moth she had caught in the summer, put in a plastic bug viewing
container thing she got for her birthday and the moth dying (and, actually,
the dead moth is STILL in that container that she carts around fairly often,
which she'll shove in someone's face and say, "moth died" or "moth dead" all
the time lol) I don't really care to try and compare an uncle to a moth,
and really, I know it would be like me talking to a wall about this to DDs.
It's definitely more DS I'm wondering about. I have not said a word about
it within earshot of him - either directly to him or on the phone.

Just wondering what to do with this.



  #2  
Old January 17th 09, 12:45 PM posted to misc.kids
NL
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 444
Default Another question about funerals/death, by me.

Kat wrote:
My uncle died this morning, so now I have a funeral to go to.
This was an uncle that I was always very, very close to.

snip
Just wondering what to do with this.


First of all I'm sorry for your loss.

I personally would tell DS now. I.e. before the weekend is over. That
way you get some time to explain questions that may be coming up, like
how did he die, why do people die,... For Sam death is a huge thing, my
grandmother died when he was just 2 and he wasn't at the funeral, but he
saw us all cry and be sad and he still talks about his grandmother being
dead and in a grave and that we visit the grave sometimes and water the
plants and stuff. He's 8 now. So it's been a long time but it's still
something he wants/needs to talk about. Maybe more in recent times than
before. We do talk about dangerous things, like crossing the road
without looking and how you can get run over by a car and things like
that, so maybe it's more immediate for him now than it has been before.
And for a while he was scared that I might get run over by a car (I kind
of nearly did, in our street cars are supposed to go walking speed and I
was waddling along while pregnant and this car comes "speeding" down the
road, well, I wasn't getting any faster so she stopped about a meter or
two in front of me and started yelling at me and I started yelling back
(hormones anyone?) and Sam apparently saw that) anyway, I think kids can
react to things a lot different than you might expect (I never thought
Sam would have nightmares from this one incident, but he did) and he
might need a day or two to mull things over and start asking questions
and I think that's probably better on a weekend when he's not at school
supposed to study but at home and you both have the time to sit and talk.

Ok, this got rather long and involved. I hope you can see what I'm
trying to explain... Lots of hugs and I hope all goes as well as it can.
I'm really horrible about expressing my thoughts and feelings about
death appropriately :-/ I hope I'm not offending anyone.

Take care
nicole
  #3  
Old January 17th 09, 12:45 PM posted to misc.kids
Welches
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 849
Default Another question about funerals/death, by me.


"Kat" wrote in message
...
My uncle died this morning, so now I have a funeral to go to.
This was an uncle that I was always very, very close to.
He ended up in the hospital (again) almost 3 weeks ago. His health has
been horrible for a couple of years now, actually. Bad diabetic (insulin
dependant 3 or 4 times a day, but would often forget or neglect) over
weight, heart disease, liver and kidney problems, high blood pressure,
breathing and walking problems within the last 6-12 months or so... Just
generally speaking, very bad health.

snip
I now have 1 question about that... I was thinking of putting the girls in
some cute little outfit - not what is normally seen at funerals... the
dark, more "formal" attire. For one, none of the kids have much I'd say
was good for a funeral, and I know it's true that often young kids bring
some joy and life to those around them at funerals and similar (like
'celebrations of life' - whatever you want to give the name as) It's
supposed to be nice next week, and I was even considering some cute little
spring type dresses or something... And then letting DS pick out his own
clothes, whatever he wants to wear. He does have dress pants/shirts, but
I doubt he'd be comfortable in that. Is this appropriate? I don't want
to keep calling my mom and asking her... I also don't want to offend her,
but to me, putting young children in black or dark clothes seems
depressing a little.

I'd ask your Aunt. I wouldn't phone up and ask just that, but kind of weave
it into a more general enquiry. ("I just wanted to check how you are. I miss
him too...")
If you feel that you can't then, yes, I would ask your mum. It's not the
sort of thing you want a big fall out over, and people can be very touchy at
funerals.
For me, I don't think it's an issue what the children wear. It'd be silly to
have to go and get a black outfit for one occasion and I think people
usually understand that.
When we went to dh's grandma's funeral #1 (age 5yo) wore a summer smocked
dress. I think it was dark blue, but had pink flowers embroidered all over
the smocked area. I knew that dh's Grandma liked the dress and so had no
worries people would think it was too bright because I could always say
that.
She was the only child there (I could have taken #2 as well but there
wouldn't have been any others to come) and caused the funeral party to
desolve into laughter as the coffin was lowered into the hole when she leant
over and said "look, it's a perfect fit".


Now, the other part...
My mom called me this morning to tell me the news around 1030 or so. DS
had already been long gone to school. He came home and I actually still
haven't mentioned anything to him. snipTell him that Uncle died when he
was at school in the morning on Friday, but there was no point in maybe
having him upset over the weekend and waiting until that day to tell him
so there's not that sitting around, waiting, thinking time from now until
the funeral... Tell him that day and then we'll go to the funeral (there's
going to be no body as they're doing a cremation) and just have it all in
one day kind of thing - if that makes ANY sense at all? Or would that be
wrong to wait until after the weekend to tell him?

If it was my 8yo then I'd tell her straight away. She'd e upset, lots of
tears, but would have mostly recovered by the funeral which would be easier
on me and everyone else. I can deal easier with the tears quietly at home
than in front of everyone.
But you know him best, will he be upset the whole weekend?
I wonder if you say "he died last friday but I waited until now to tell you
so you're not upset all weekend" might come back to haunt you. As in he
starts to wonder if other people have dies and you haven't told him yet
either?
I'd start with saying something like "you know I went to visit Uncle last
week and he was very, very ill." Then you can explain that he's dies, but it
much better because he's not ill any more.


Now... I know EVERYONE has their own opinions on funerals and death and
all that, and so I am really hoping this does NOT start some kind of big
fight or argument. I'm just looking for some honest opinions that might
help a little with this. I know I'm having a hard time with it, so I'm
just really wondering if DS should as well over the weekend and Monday
with school. DDs don't really know any different, so there's no real
point in trying to explain anything to a pair of preschoolers... DD1's
only dealings with death are a moth she had caught in the summer, put in a
plastic bug viewing container thing she got for her birthday and the moth
dying (and, actually, the dead moth is STILL in that container that she
carts around fairly often, which she'll shove in someone's face and say,
"moth died" or "moth dead" all the time lol) I don't really care to try
and compare an uncle to a moth, and really, I know it would be like me
talking to a wall about this to DDs. It's definitely more DS I'm wondering
about. I have not said a word about it within earshot of him - either
directly to him or on the phone.

I can't remember how old your older dd is, but #2 has had a death obsession
since she was about 3 1/2. SHe'd go up to people and ask "When do you think
you're going to die" and other tactful statements. It may be that your dds
will understand more than you expect. I might say something (you could use
the moth to talk about it) to the older one at least. Otherwise you have the
risk of having to explain in front of everyone at the funeral, or a relative
telling them in a less controlled way.
Debbie


  #4  
Old January 17th 09, 01:09 PM posted to misc.kids
Penny Gaines[_2_]
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 124
Default Another question about funerals/death, by me.

Kat wrote:
My uncle died this morning, so now I have a funeral to go to.
This was an uncle that I was always very, very close to.


I'm sorry to hear about your uncle ((hugs)).

[snip]
I now have 1 question about that... I was thinking of putting the girls in
some cute little outfit - not what is normally seen at funerals... the dark,
more "formal" attire. For one, none of the kids have much I'd say was good
for a funeral, and I know it's true that often young kids bring some joy and
life to those around them at funerals and similar (like 'celebrations of
life' - whatever you want to give the name as) It's supposed to be nice
next week, and I was even considering some cute little spring type dresses
or something... And then letting DS pick out his own clothes, whatever he
wants to wear. He does have dress pants/shirts, but I doubt he'd be
comfortable in that. Is this appropriate? I don't want to keep calling my
mom and asking her... I also don't want to offend her, but to me, putting
young children in black or dark clothes seems depressing a little.


I think an 8yo needs a lot of guidance to choose an appropriate outfit
for a funeral: at most, give him a choice between two or three items.
He is old enough to be able to put up with some slight discomfort.

When I took my children to their grandmother's funeral, they basically
wore a (British-style) school uniform. The girls wore a plain grey
pleated skirt with a white blouse and navy cardigan, and my son wore
dark trousers (probably similar to the dress trousers), a white shirt
and a grey jumper. I should point out this was not actually their
school uniform!

Have you any siblings/cousins who will be taking children - you could
ask them.


[snip]
and all that, as I'm sure most kids his age do. I think part of my problem
is when to tell him. I really was thinking I should tell him soon, but then
my mom suggested waiting until after the weekend. The funeral is on Tuesday
afternoon and I will not be sending DS to school that day, and my mom said
to maybe tell him the night before or the morning of the funeral. I wasn't
sure if that was fair, really, but then now I'm starting to wonder if that
would be alright to do. Tell him that Uncle died when he was at school in
the morning on Friday, but there was no point in maybe having him upset over
the weekend and waiting until that day to tell him so there's not that
sitting around, waiting, thinking time from now until the funeral... Tell
him that day and then we'll go to the funeral (there's going to be no body
as they're doing a cremation) and just have it all in one day kind of
thing - if that makes ANY sense at all? Or would that be wrong to wait
until after the weekend to tell him?

[snip]

I would tell him in advance - you'd have to let the school know in
advance, and it would be awful if his teacher mentioned the funeral and
he didn't know about it.

If the funeral is in four days, I'd tell him sooner rather then later.
He will probably have some questions (like "did it hurt to die"), and
that extra time gives him a chance to ask you in advance.

--
Penny Gaines
UK mum to three
  #5  
Old January 17th 09, 02:50 PM posted to misc.kids
Rosalie B.
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 984
Default Another question about funerals/death, by me.

Funeral clothing for children doesn't have to be black, and wasn't
black even in the old days. In Victorian times children were not
expected to wear mourning clothes, though girls sometimes wore white
dresses. I would say semi-formal kind of clothes like for church in
subdued colors.

I personally would feel upset if my mom had something like that on her
mind and didn't tell me. I would think it would give him the weekend
to get used to the idea and ask questions. I would answer his
questions, but not go into any more detail than he needed.

My grandmother died when I was 10 and we were visiting her. My
cousins (who she lived with and who were very close to her) were 8, 6
and 2. I woke up with my cousins sobbing - we were all sleeping in
one room. They obviously had been told right away when my grandmother
died. I barely knew her so I wasn't that upset. My mom and dad took
my sister and my two older cousins and me camping while my uncle (my
dad's brother) made the funeral arrangements.

When my grandson died, his older cousins ranged in age from 12 down.
They all came to the funeral, but did not view the body - the casket
was closed except when the other grandparents wanted to have it
opened. My dd kept her children out of the room where the casket was.

"Kat" wrote:

My uncle died this morning, so now I have a funeral to go to.
This was an uncle that I was always very, very close to.
He ended up in the hospital (again) almost 3 weeks ago. His health has been
horrible for a couple of years now, actually. Bad diabetic (insulin
dependant 3 or 4 times a day, but would often forget or neglect) over
weight, heart disease, liver and kidney problems, high blood pressure,
breathing and walking problems within the last 6-12 months or so... Just
generally speaking, very bad health.
I went on Sunday to visit him in the hospital. I did not want to take DDs
there (they're 2 and 3) but I left it up to DS (who is 8, almost) if he
wanted to go to the hospital and visit or stay at my aunt's house while I
went. He decided he'd rather stay and not go to the hospital, and I didn't
push him either way. Quite frankly, after visiting, I was actually glad he
opted to stay... When I first walked in the room, I hardly recognized my
uncle. He did not look good. He was hooked up to all kinds of IVs and
breathing things and just did not look like him. I actually had to take a
second look at him to make sure, he looked that bad. He was sitting in a
chair at the foot of the bed and was in fairly good spirits, which was a
change - lately we've all found he's gotten very miserable the last year or
so, but I've also heard that this isn't so uncommon with diabetes, getting
older and just changing.

A friend had offered to watch the kids for whenever the funeral was set for.
I told her that would be great, buuuut... I was just going to check with my
mom about it. I thought I will take the kids ONLY if my aunt actually
*wants* them there. If she does not want them there, then I would not take
them. This was something that I was going to do what my aunt wanted, even
if it was a big inconvenience to me. As it turns out, my aunt had already
said she wants all the kids there, no questions. She had specifically said
that even before I asked my mom about it. I also know that with my family
there, I won't be left feeling stranded with 3 young children completely on
my own in a group of strangers with NO help.

I now have 1 question about that... I was thinking of putting the girls in
some cute little outfit - not what is normally seen at funerals... the dark,
more "formal" attire. For one, none of the kids have much I'd say was good
for a funeral, and I know it's true that often young kids bring some joy and
life to those around them at funerals and similar (like 'celebrations of
life' - whatever you want to give the name as) It's supposed to be nice
next week, and I was even considering some cute little spring type dresses
or something... And then letting DS pick out his own clothes, whatever he
wants to wear. He does have dress pants/shirts, but I doubt he'd be
comfortable in that. Is this appropriate? I don't want to keep calling my
mom and asking her... I also don't want to offend her, but to me, putting
young children in black or dark clothes seems depressing a little.

Now, the other part...
My mom called me this morning to tell me the news around 1030 or so. DS had
already been long gone to school. He came home and I actually still haven't
mentioned anything to him. Again, I asked my mom about it, or, actually,
she asked me if I said anything yet this evening around supper time - and
when I talked to my dad a little earlier, he asked the same thing. I was
trying to figure out how, exactly, you tell an 8 year old about this. I've
never really had to directly deal with this before. The last time there was
a death in the immediate family, I guess it would have been when I was about
2-3 months pregnant with DS, and it was my mom's brother. DS (obviously)
never met him but knows his picture and knows he's named after this uncle
that died just before he was born (DS has my uncle's first name as his
middle name) I really don't know how to approach this situation now. DS is
aware that Uncle has been sick for a while now, and at 8, they do have an
understanding of death. A boy in DS's school (not class) had his father die
a couple months back and DS said something about so-and-so's dad died in a
car accident that was in the news and that was pretty much the end of that.
I specifically told my mom that I didn't even know where to begin about my
uncle, and my mom said she totally understood that. My aunt, in the
background through the phone, said to tell DS that uncle died and is now an
angel in heaven. I think that would be totally fine to say. It's at his
level for understanding, and he is not a stupid boy. He knows about dying
and all that, as I'm sure most kids his age do. I think part of my problem
is when to tell him. I really was thinking I should tell him soon, but then
my mom suggested waiting until after the weekend. The funeral is on Tuesday
afternoon and I will not be sending DS to school that day, and my mom said
to maybe tell him the night before or the morning of the funeral. I wasn't
sure if that was fair, really, but then now I'm starting to wonder if that
would be alright to do. Tell him that Uncle died when he was at school in
the morning on Friday, but there was no point in maybe having him upset over
the weekend and waiting until that day to tell him so there's not that
sitting around, waiting, thinking time from now until the funeral... Tell
him that day and then we'll go to the funeral (there's going to be no body
as they're doing a cremation) and just have it all in one day kind of
thing - if that makes ANY sense at all? Or would that be wrong to wait
until after the weekend to tell him?

Now... I know EVERYONE has their own opinions on funerals and death and all
that, and so I am really hoping this does NOT start some kind of big fight
or argument. I'm just looking for some honest opinions that might help a
little with this. I know I'm having a hard time with it, so I'm just really
wondering if DS should as well over the weekend and Monday with school. DDs
don't really know any different, so there's no real point in trying to
explain anything to a pair of preschoolers... DD1's only dealings with death
are a moth she had caught in the summer, put in a plastic bug viewing
container thing she got for her birthday and the moth dying (and, actually,
the dead moth is STILL in that container that she carts around fairly often,
which she'll shove in someone's face and say, "moth died" or "moth dead" all
the time lol) I don't really care to try and compare an uncle to a moth,
and really, I know it would be like me talking to a wall about this to DDs.
It's definitely more DS I'm wondering about. I have not said a word about
it within earshot of him - either directly to him or on the phone.

Just wondering what to do with this.


  #6  
Old January 17th 09, 03:02 PM posted to misc.kids
Ericka
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 64
Default Another question about funerals/death, by me.

Kat wrote:

I now have 1 question about that... I was thinking of putting the girls in
some cute little outfit - not what is normally seen at funerals... the dark,
more "formal" attire. For one, none of the kids have much I'd say was good
for a funeral, and I know it's true that often young kids bring some joy and
life to those around them at funerals and similar (like 'celebrations of
life' - whatever you want to give the name as) It's supposed to be nice
next week, and I was even considering some cute little spring type dresses
or something... And then letting DS pick out his own clothes, whatever he
wants to wear. He does have dress pants/shirts, but I doubt he'd be
comfortable in that. Is this appropriate? I don't want to keep calling my
mom and asking her... I also don't want to offend her, but to me, putting
young children in black or dark clothes seems depressing a little.


Kids get more leeway in terms of what they wear, but
I would exercise a little caution. Without specific information
from the family on what they'd prefer, I would at least have the
kids in nice clothes to show respect. I wouldn't put them in
all black or try to do something especially somber, but neither
would I go to the other end of the spectrum. "Sweet" is good,
but "Carnival" not so much.

I was
trying to figure out how, exactly, you tell an 8 year old about this. I've
never really had to directly deal with this before. The last time there was
a death in the immediate family, I guess it would have been when I was about
2-3 months pregnant with DS, and it was my mom's brother. DS (obviously)
never met him but knows his picture and knows he's named after this uncle
that died just before he was born (DS has my uncle's first name as his
middle name) I really don't know how to approach this situation now. DS is
aware that Uncle has been sick for a while now, and at 8, they do have an
understanding of death. A boy in DS's school (not class) had his father die
a couple months back and DS said something about so-and-so's dad died in a
car accident that was in the news and that was pretty much the end of that.
I specifically told my mom that I didn't even know where to begin about my
uncle, and my mom said she totally understood that. My aunt, in the
background through the phone, said to tell DS that uncle died and is now an
angel in heaven. I think that would be totally fine to say. It's at his
level for understanding, and he is not a stupid boy. He knows about dying
and all that, as I'm sure most kids his age do. I think part of my problem
is when to tell him. I really was thinking I should tell him soon, but then
my mom suggested waiting until after the weekend.


Oh, I wouldn't wait. Then you'll also have to explain
why you didn't tell him when you heard. I would just tell him
matter-of-factly that your uncle was very sick and he died.
Then, answer his questions. You don't have to remain
unemotional about it. It's ok for you to tell him that you're
very sad about it and you'll miss your uncle. Mostly, my
experience is that all you need to do is tell them and then
answer their questions as best you can.

The funeral is on Tuesday
afternoon and I will not be sending DS to school that day, and my mom said
to maybe tell him the night before or the morning of the funeral. I wasn't
sure if that was fair, really, but then now I'm starting to wonder if that
would be alright to do.


I really, really wouldn't wait. I think it's a breach
of trust and will leave him wondering what other important
information you're holding out on him with. He needs to trust
that you will tell him the important stuff in life.

Tell him that Uncle died when he was at school in
the morning on Friday, but there was no point in maybe having him upset over
the weekend and waiting until that day to tell him so there's not that
sitting around, waiting, thinking time from now until the funeral...


That just tells him that you think he's incompetent
and can't handle it, or that you're afraid of his reaction.

Just go ahead and tell him, and give him time to
process and ask questions before the funeral. In all
likelihood, it won't be nearly as bad as you dread, and
it's an opportunity to show your son that you have faith
in him and that you can be trusted to share important
information with him.

Best wishes,
Ericka
  #7  
Old January 17th 09, 03:28 PM posted to misc.kids
enigma
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Posts: 447
Default Another question about funerals/death, by me.

"Kat" wrote in
:

i'm so sorry Kat.
i would tell your son *now* that your uncle has died, not wait. my
mom died last Valentine's Day & i told Boo when i picked him up from
school that day. i have to say that Boo probably has more experience
with death than many kids being a farm kid. animals die or get killed
(stupid coyotes!), but people dying is a somewhat different thing &
he was especially close to my mom.
be prepared for a lot of questions, not necessarily when you tell
him, but over the next few months.
lee
  #8  
Old January 17th 09, 06:42 PM posted to misc.kids
Kat
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Posts: 177
Default Another question about funerals/death, by me.

Well, so far it seems that most people are saying pretty much the same
thing.
As far as DS goes, what's been mentioned so far is kind of what I was
thinking of. When I talked to my mom yesterday evening, and she said maybe
wait, the first thing I asked her was pretty much what's been mentioned...
That DS might be upset (for lack of a better word) that he wasn't told
sooner or was left in the dark. I know whatever I was to do would not be
something to upset my mom or aunt - if I wait or don't wait. I really think
my mom was kind of at a loss as to what to do right now, and I know without
even being told or seeing that my aunt is an absolute wreck right now,
understandably.
I'm not going to bother with DDs. I know for a fact they won't understand,
nor will they really comprehend half an hour later. I know they won't. DS
does, though.
I'm also thinking that maybe this morning is a better time than last
minute... I'll bet that right after, he'll most likely go on his way playing
outside with the other kids and everything else as usual, and maybe even
then he can even have some time where he can tell a friend as well or
something, before or after his expected questions towards me. The problem,
though, is that I don't know what happened, really. I did ask my mom and
all she really said was that his heart just gave out. Obviously if a
question of, "Did it hurt him? Did it last a long time?" and so on, I
don't know, and I assume not, but even if I knew there was some kind of
horrible, horrible, suffering death involved, I wouldn't be telling him that
yes, it hurt very, very badly. There was lots of blood and guts and
suffering! It was sooo bad, you're lucky you didn't see it! (or something
like that lol)
Now the girls have gone down for their naps... Everyone was up fairly late
last night and DDs didn't really sleep in by any means and both were rubbing
eyes, yawning, getting tired, so down they went. DS is probably going to be
off out and about in the yard soon.


  #9  
Old January 17th 09, 10:11 PM posted to misc.kids
Ericka
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Posts: 64
Default Another question about funerals/death, by me.

Kat wrote:

I'm also thinking that maybe this morning is a better time than last
minute... I'll bet that right after, he'll most likely go on his way playing
outside with the other kids and everything else as usual, and maybe even
then he can even have some time where he can tell a friend as well or
something, before or after his expected questions towards me. The problem,
though, is that I don't know what happened, really. I did ask my mom and
all she really said was that his heart just gave out. Obviously if a
question of, "Did it hurt him? Did it last a long time?" and so on, I
don't know, and I assume not, but even if I knew there was some kind of
horrible, horrible, suffering death involved, I wouldn't be telling him that
yes, it hurt very, very badly. There was lots of blood and guts and
suffering! It was sooo bad, you're lucky you didn't see it! (or something
like that lol)


Of course. The cardinal rule with younger children
is to give them answers that relate to what they're really
asking, not necessarily giving them every detail. If he asks
if it hurt, you can just say that you don't know all the details
but you're sure that the doctors and nurses did everything they
could to make him comfortable. Generally, when kids are asking
about death, they're not looking for an encyclopedic answer.
They're trying to figure it out in terms that relate to themselves.
So, they're wondering who else is going to die, if they're
going to die, if it's going to hurt *them* when they die,
etc.

Best wishes,
Ericka
  #10  
Old January 17th 09, 11:02 PM posted to misc.kids
Kat
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 177
Default Another question about funerals/death, by me.


"Ericka" wrote in message
...
Kat wrote:

I'm also thinking that maybe this morning is a better time than last
minute... I'll bet that right after, he'll most likely go on his way
playing outside with the other kids and everything else as usual, and
maybe even then he can even have some time where he can tell a friend as
well or something, before or after his expected questions towards me.
The problem, though, is that I don't know what happened, really. I did
ask my mom and all she really said was that his heart just gave out.
Obviously if a question of, "Did it hurt him? Did it last a long time?"
and so on, I don't know, and I assume not, but even if I knew there was
some kind of horrible, horrible, suffering death involved, I wouldn't be
telling him that yes, it hurt very, very badly. There was lots of blood
and guts and suffering! It was sooo bad, you're lucky you didn't see it!
(or something like that lol)


Of course. The cardinal rule with younger children
is to give them answers that relate to what they're really
asking, not necessarily giving them every detail. If he asks
if it hurt, you can just say that you don't know all the details
but you're sure that the doctors and nurses did everything they
could to make him comfortable. Generally, when kids are asking
about death, they're not looking for an encyclopedic answer.
They're trying to figure it out in terms that relate to themselves.
So, they're wondering who else is going to die, if they're
going to die, if it's going to hurt *them* when they die,
etc.

Best wishes,
Ericka


Well, he didn't really ask much - I think I offered more info than he asked
for... I just brought it up about Tuesday as he has his hot lunch day that
he's been waiting for (and I paid an unusually high price for lol) and said
that he's not going to be at school on Thursday because we have a funeral,
then told him. When I said it was uncle that died, he snapped his head
towards me and said, "What!?" and then he seemed alright. No real
questions, but I did offer the reminder that this uncle has been very sick
lately - and he knows that - and that his heart just gave out, pretty much.
I also promised him that since he's going to miss his hot lunch at school
that day, we'll stop at the same pizza place the hot lunch is coming from
and take it to Grandma's and that sounds like a plan for him.
But... I realize because he didn't ask or say much this morning, it doesn't
mean he won't later today, tonight, tomorrow morning, Tuesday or 9 Tuesdays
from now.


 




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