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#21
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Sick of the horror stories!
"Elric" wrote in message om... So I'm having a great pregnancy all around, but since I want to give birth in a birth center instead of a hospital, people are using my private choice to tell me the absolute worst birth horror stories I've ever had to deal with in my life! Hon, I quit my job because I didn't want to read other people's birth stories while pg. I left most of my online groups, and will again with my next pg. And one of the first things I say to anyone not "close" to me about my plans are, "Ask me in --------" (insert the next month after my due date.) To those close to me, I'll tell them as much or as little as I deem appropriate, and for those who are likely to react badly, I tell them as little as possible. One of the hardest things to do for me, since I love to talk about what I'm doing and why I'm doing it, is to learn when to keep my mouth *shut* about plans I don't want to argue about. Here are some snappy comebacks for those who find out what you're planning and try to talk you out of it.... "Hey, at least I'm not doing an unassisted birth/homebirth/planned c-section at 37 weeks/(whatever will shock them most)." "Actually, I wanted to have the baby out in the woods, hanging from a tree limb, but my husband talked me into using the birth center instead." "Oh my god... do you know how DANGEROUS hospitals are? I could catch flesh eating bacteria there!" Stick your fingers in your ears and say, "Neener neener neener. I can't hear you." Interrupt them... say, "Did you know that studies have found that telling women horror stories in pregnancy increases their stress levels? Did you know that increased stress levels can cause miscarriage and preterm birth? Are you TRYING to kill my baby?" "I'm sorry, you'll have to tell me all about this story in about 6 months. I have a policy of "no birth stories while pregnant."" Cock your head to one side, put up one hand, and say, "Hon, I know you mean well... but I can't listen to this right now. It's not your job to worry about me or talk me out of my decisions. Please trust me to make educated choices about my care. I know that your experience is different, but this is my body, my life, and I'm the one who has to live with it. And one thing I need to do to reduce my stress level and make my pregnancy safer is NOT listen to birth horror stories. You can tell me your story in ________" (insert a date at least 1 month after your latest possible due date.) Look her straight in the eye and say, "Do you trust me?" Wait for a response. "Then you need to trust that I can make an informed choice about my care." (wait for protest of, "but if you just knew what could happen....") "Do you think that I'm not aware that bad things happen in pregnancy in birth? Did you know that if you take women with the same risk levels, and randomly assign them to out-of-hospital or hospital care, they end up having almost identical levels of baby deaths, but the hospital group has more sick moms and babies? No one can guarantee a perfect birth. The difference between my caregivers and most caregivers is that my caregivers don't pretend that if I just do everything they say, nothing will go wrong. No one can promise me a perfectly safe birth. But I have to do the best I can in determining which risks *I* can live with. And one of the things I need to do to keep my sanity right now is NOT listen to horror stories, not about hospital birth, not about homebirth, not about birth center births. Because no one else's story will be "just like mine." I need to walk my own path. Please trust me to do that." Sometimes, you will just have to walk away. Sometimes, you will have to be rude. Sometimes, you will have to put your foot down and insist that they respect your wishes Other times you will just have to stick your fingers in your ears and hum until they go away. You may lose some friends. But the ones who really trust you, who really love you, and really respect you, will NOT be scared away by this, and will let you make your own choices in relative peace. Your relatives, on the other hand, may simply need to be avoided for the next few months. Honestly, no matter what you choose for your birth, someone will think you're crazy, someone will think you're stupid, someone will think you're blind, and someone will think you're way too conservative and have sold out to the medical machine. I don't care *what* choices you make in pregnancy, this is always true, that other people will judge your choices and find them lacking. The first lesson of motherhood is to stick to your guns and make the choices you need to make to protect yourself and your children as best you see fit. Jenrose dd 11 yo in June angel baby Hope, m/c 5/24/04 @ 7 weeks |
#22
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Sick of the horror stories!
My favorite response-although it's one most people can't use- "YOU at least
got a baby out of it!" For some reason, most folks don't ask for details |
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