Will's Birth Story (REALLY long and late)

"Dagny" wrote in message
...
Oh Kat I am so sorry for what you went through. No one deserves this, why
do they do it? You did such a good job in such an environment.

Your story was really hard to read as so much of it reminded me of the
trauma I had with my homebirth. Particularly about the hands being in you
so much and how it made you feel. So you might want to think about
unassisted homebirth too. Ericka and Richard have such positive homebirth
midwife experiences, and we tend to be rah rah about midwives on this
board,
and I was, too, until ...

I feel sometimes that I was stripped of everything I was and everything I
wanted to be. And I cannot say it is worse than what you went through,
but
it happened in my bedroom and defiled my sanctuary, and I don't want to
sell
the house just yet.

Oh, Dagny, I'm sorry. If I do have a fourth child I am considering an
unassisted birth. My last birth with the midwife left me feeling very
resentful and upset. She wasn't mean or disrespectful, but she didn't
"trust" me, I guess. If that makes any sense! I feel much of it is on my
shoulders... if only I'd stood up for myself, etc., but in labor one is very
vulnerable, and I'm not much of an advocate in the first place. Some things
we'd gone over prior to the birth didn't stand when we were actually
experiencing. At the time, I was so tired I couldn't find my voice, but
after I was so upset that I didn't say, "no" or something. I do remember at
one point wanting to say something, feeling irritated and thinking, "I
already talked about this with her! Why is she suggesting this?! Why is
she telling me this" and pretty much ended up saying, "whatever" because I
was just too tired to "argue".

I still do think the option of a midwife is a wonderful thing to have. I'm
always excited to read the homebirth/midwife stories.

Joy

"JoFromOz" wrote in message
...
Dagny and Kat.

Both of your stories make me so very sad for you and for your babies.

I really, really want to be your Midwife for your next births to show you
that we aren't all like that!!!

The story made me cry, made me want to be there for you. I don't even
know
either of you, but for some reason I got this protective feeling coming
over
me to want to stand up for you and tell the other midwives/doctor off for
abusing you like that.

*sigh*

All I can say is I am terribly sorry, on behalf of the Midwifery
profession!

Jo (RM)


Thank you Jo! You really validated my feelings!! I wanted to tell you that
I don't have bad feelings toward Midwives, with my DD's birth we had a CNM
and it was a wonderful birth considering I was induced (first time
impatience:-) and severely regretted). It was just so disappointing to go
from a good experience where I had such positive feelings about to a birth
that left me depressed and otherwise feeling horrible. I hope to either
help other women or have another baby (not just for the birth experience of
course or solve the emotional problems) to help me resove these issues and
help other women in need during labor,etc.
Kat
Maggie 11/03/01
and Will 02/10/04

"Joybelle" wrote in message
...

"Kat" wrote in message
...
snip
Sorry this was so long, Thanks for reading!!!
Kat
Mama to Maggie 11/03/01
and Will 02/10/04 (almost 4 months old!!!)

Kat,
I am so glad you decided to share your birth story. I remember when you
first posted after Will was born about how traumatized you were. This was
a
big step!! It took me a similar amount of time to share my son's
experience, and I literally bawled while I wrote the story. I know how
difficult, but therapeutic, it was to share.

I had a successful homebirth, but I was very upset with how some things
went. My midwife wasn't terrible to me, but I ended up feeling like my
birth experience was taken from me. I, like Dagny, am considering going
unassisted if I have another child. I had actually entertained the
thought
with my last pregnancy, but I don't think I was ready for that step. That
being said, my first homebirth with the midwife was wonderful. I wish you
the best for you future homebirth!

I'm sorry you went through what you did.
--
Joy

Rose 1-30-99
Iris 2-28-01
Spencer 3-12-03


Thank you Joy! I am sorry any woman ever had to have their experience
ruined by insensitivity/ignorance. It's so frustrating. It was majorly
therapeutic for me to post it, I'm a little closer to just letting go.
Kat
Mama to Maggie 11/03/01
and Will 02/10/04

"Joybelle" wrote in message
...

"Dagny" wrote in message
...
Oh Kat I am so sorry for what you went through. No one deserves this,
why
do they do it? You did such a good job in such an environment.

Your story was really hard to read as so much of it reminded me of the
trauma I had with my homebirth. Particularly about the hands being in
you
so much and how it made you feel. So you might want to think about
unassisted homebirth too. Ericka and Richard have such positive
homebirth
midwife experiences, and we tend to be rah rah about midwives on this
board,
and I was, too, until ...

I feel sometimes that I was stripped of everything I was and everything
I
wanted to be. And I cannot say it is worse than what you went through,
but
it happened in my bedroom and defiled my sanctuary, and I don't want to
sell
the house just yet.

Oh, Dagny, I'm sorry. If I do have a fourth child I am considering an
unassisted birth. My last birth with the midwife left me feeling very
resentful and upset. She wasn't mean or disrespectful, but she didn't
"trust" me, I guess. If that makes any sense! I feel much of it is on my
shoulders... if only I'd stood up for myself, etc., but in labor one is
very
vulnerable, and I'm not much of an advocate in the first place. Some
things
we'd gone over prior to the birth didn't stand when we were actually
experiencing. At the time, I was so tired I couldn't find my voice, but
after I was so upset that I didn't say, "no" or something. I do remember
at
one point wanting to say something, feeling irritated and thinking, "I
already talked about this with her! Why is she suggesting this?! Why is
she telling me this" and pretty much ended up saying, "whatever" because
I
was just too tired to "argue".

I still do think the option of a midwife is a wonderful thing to have.
I'm
always excited to read the homebirth/midwife stories.

Joy


I am really relating to what you are saying Joy...I told the OB, and gave
him a birth plan that told him what I wanted and didn't want and some of the
things still happened. I told him I didn't want to feel exposed (I didn't
feel exposed when I was squatting and practically naked but did when they
had me lay down on my back with my legs spread and him staring at me and
keeping his hand on me) and told him that touching me on my bottom makes me
uncomfortable and that it was due to a sexual abuse past, and he said he
understood and would do his best. But when it came to the actual birth it
all went out the window, some of it necessarily but some not so much. I
lost my trust for the man, even though I know he's a good man and he did
what he thought was best. If I tried to talk to him I am afraid he wouldn't
understand, but I know he would be sad and I guess I am more worried about
his feelings than my own. And I really don't want to feel stupid and
uncomfortable talking about it. Silly hmm?
I will definitely try a midwife assisted homebirth if there is a third
child. I too like to hear about other sucessful stories.
Kat
Mama to Maggie 11/03/01
and Will 02/10/04

"Kat" wrote in message
...
I am really relating to what you are saying Joy...I told
the OB, and gave him a birth plan that told him what I
wanted and didn't want and some of the things still
happened. I told him I didn't want to feel exposed (I
didn't feel exposed when I was squatting and practically
naked but did when they had me lay down on my back
with my legs spread and him staring at me and keeping
his hand on me) and told him that touching me on my
bottom makes me uncomfortable and that it was due to
a sexual abuse past, and he said he understood and
would do his best. But when it came to the actual birth it
all went out the window, some of it necessarily but some
not so much. I lost my trust for the man, even though I
know he's a good man and he did what he thought was
best. If I tried to talk to him I am afraid he wouldn't
understand, but I know he would be sad and I guess I am
more worried about his feelings than my own. And I really
don't want to feel stupid and uncomfortable talking about it.
Silly hmm? I will definitely try a midwife assisted homebirth
if there is a third child. I too like to hear about other sucessful
stories.

I am so sorry that you felt such a loss of control and had caregivers
that didn't understand what you needed. I can somewhat relate, though
certainly not to the extent you are feeling. I too had a birth plan
that was agreed to and was mostly followed, but when it came to pushing
and immediately after my first child's birth, the plan went out the
window and it seemed all the staff went on auto-pilot. I was made to
stay on my back, even though I clearly stated my objection to it twice.
Julie was taken from me before I even got to touch her, for no medical
reason, just expediency in getting all their 'chores' done so they could
move on to the next room. Etc. Even though I chose a completely
different setting and caregivers the next time - midwives and a birth
center rather than OB and hospital - I found I never could fully relax
and trust them. My second birth did go exactly as I wanted, but the
realization of that fact didn't come to me until two hours after he was
born. Suddenly I thought, "I'm done. It's over, and nobody messed with
me!" It bothers me that the negatives of my first birth cast a shadow
over what would otherwise have been a perfect birth experience. It was
like I got robbed twice.

I strongly encourage you to share your feelings with your OB. If you
can't do it in person, please write a letter. It is important for your
own process in dealing with it, and also so that he has some idea that
what he did is not OK. Hopefully it will cause him to take it more
seriously next time he attends a birth where a woman has a history of
sexual abuse. If you have another child, I'd suggest that you discuss
Will's birth with them at length until *you* are sure they understand
what the problems were and you have complete confidence that those
problems will not recur. I did not do that, and wish I had, so that I
might have felt more at peace during my second birth.

Healing vibes to you, and congratulations on your wonderful baby boy!
--
Cheryl S.
Mom to Julie, 3, and Jaden, 9 months

"JoFromOz" wrote in message
...
Dagny and Kat.

Both of your stories make me so very sad for you and for your babies.

I really, really want to be your Midwife for your next births to show you
that we aren't all like that!!!

The story made me cry, made me want to be there for you. I don't even
know
either of you, but for some reason I got this protective feeling coming
over
me to want to stand up for you and tell the other midwives/doctor off for
abusing you like that.

*sigh*

All I can say is I am terribly sorry, on behalf of the Midwifery
profession!

Jo (RM)


It took me a while to respond but thank you Jo. Yes I was raped, I did not
have midwifery care despite hiring a CPM who gave all the right answers.
Had she not forgotten she was a midwife, my life would be very different.
But it is too late, no one will ever see me naked in birth again, no one
will ever see me birth again, no one will ever do any type of pelvic "exam"
on me for the rest of my life unless I am on extreme drugs. Sincerely,
Dagny

"Cheryl S." wrote in message
...
"Kat" wrote in message
...
I am really relating to what you are saying Joy...I told
the OB, and gave him a birth plan that told him what I
wanted and didn't want and some of the things still
happened. I told him I didn't want to feel exposed (I
didn't feel exposed when I was squatting and practically
naked but did when they had me lay down on my back
with my legs spread and him staring at me and keeping
his hand on me) and told him that touching me on my
bottom makes me uncomfortable and that it was due to
a sexual abuse past, and he said he understood and
would do his best. But when it came to the actual birth it
all went out the window, some of it necessarily but some
not so much. I lost my trust for the man, even though I
know he's a good man and he did what he thought was
best. If I tried to talk to him I am afraid he wouldn't
understand, but I know he would be sad and I guess I am
more worried about his feelings than my own. And I really
don't want to feel stupid and uncomfortable talking about it.
Silly hmm? I will definitely try a midwife assisted homebirth
if there is a third child. I too like to hear about other sucessful
stories.

I am so sorry that you felt such a loss of control and had caregivers
that didn't understand what you needed. I can somewhat relate, though
certainly not to the extent you are feeling. I too had a birth plan
that was agreed to and was mostly followed, but when it came to pushing
and immediately after my first child's birth, the plan went out the
window and it seemed all the staff went on auto-pilot. I was made to
stay on my back, even though I clearly stated my objection to it twice.
Julie was taken from me before I even got to touch her, for no medical
reason, just expediency in getting all their 'chores' done so they could
move on to the next room. Etc. Even though I chose a completely
different setting and caregivers the next time - midwives and a birth
center rather than OB and hospital - I found I never could fully relax
and trust them. My second birth did go exactly as I wanted, but the
realization of that fact didn't come to me until two hours after he was
born. Suddenly I thought, "I'm done. It's over, and nobody messed with
me!" It bothers me that the negatives of my first birth cast a shadow
over what would otherwise have been a perfect birth experience. It was
like I got robbed twice.

I strongly encourage you to share your feelings with your OB. If you
can't do it in person, please write a letter. It is important for your
own process in dealing with it, and also so that he has some idea that
what he did is not OK. Hopefully it will cause him to take it more
seriously next time he attends a birth where a woman has a history of
sexual abuse. If you have another child, I'd suggest that you discuss
Will's birth with them at length until *you* are sure they understand
what the problems were and you have complete confidence that those
problems will not recur. I did not do that, and wish I had, so that I
might have felt more at peace during my second birth.

Healing vibes to you, and congratulations on your wonderful baby boy!
--
Cheryl S.
Mom to Julie, 3, and Jaden, 9 months


Thank you Cheryl! If we have another child I won't hesitate to tell them
everything that happened, maybe give them the birth story that I wrote and
discuss. Whoe knows? I might not even have another child:-/ Anyway, take
care and thank you again.
Kat
Mama to Maggie 11/03/01
and Will 02/10/04

"Kat" wrote in message
...
Oh, Dagny, I'm sorry. If I do have a fourth child I am considering an
unassisted birth. My last birth with the midwife left me feeling very
resentful and upset. She wasn't mean or disrespectful, but she didn't
"trust" me, I guess. If that makes any sense! I feel much of it is on
my
shoulders... if only I'd stood up for myself, etc., but in labor one is
very
vulnerable, and I'm not much of an advocate in the first place. Some
things
we'd gone over prior to the birth didn't stand when we were actually
experiencing. At the time, I was so tired I couldn't find my voice, but
after I was so upset that I didn't say, "no" or something. I do
remember
at
one point wanting to say something, feeling irritated and thinking, "I
already talked about this with her! Why is she suggesting this?! Why
is
she telling me this" and pretty much ended up saying, "whatever"
because
I
was just too tired to "argue".

I still do think the option of a midwife is a wonderful thing to have.
I'm
always excited to read the homebirth/midwife stories.

Joy


I am really relating to what you are saying Joy...I told the OB, and gave
him a birth plan that told him what I wanted and didn't want and some of
the
things still happened. I told him I didn't want to feel exposed (I didn't
feel exposed when I was squatting and practically naked but did when they
had me lay down on my back with my legs spread and him staring at me and
keeping his hand on me) and told him that touching me on my bottom makes
me
uncomfortable and that it was due to a sexual abuse past, and he said he
understood and would do his best. But when it came to the actual birth it
all went out the window, some of it necessarily but some not so much. I
lost my trust for the man, even though I know he's a good man and he did
what he thought was best. If I tried to talk to him I am afraid he
wouldn't
understand, but I know he would be sad and I guess I am more worried about
his feelings than my own. And I really don't want to feel stupid and
uncomfortable talking about it. Silly hmm?

Well, if it's silly, I guess I'm silly, too. I feel the same way. I
haven't spoken to her about it at all. I really like my midwife as a person,
but when it came to this last birth I definitely feel some resentment. I'm
mostly frustrated with myself, though, for not having the ability to say
what I needed during the labor. It does make me upset that we trust that we
will be listened to, heard, understood, trusted, remembered during one of
our most vulnerable times.

I will definitely try a midwife assisted homebirth if there is a third
child. I too like to hear about other sucessful stories.

I feel both my homebirths were very successful. I birthed two beautiful
babies in my living room and got to snuggle them in my own bed that very
night. I think you will love having a midwife assisted homebirth.


--
Joy

Rose 1-30-99
Iris 2-28-01
Spencer 3-12-03