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Will's Birth Story (REALLY long and late)
Labor started for me around 2am Monday, Feb 9th. I went for a walk that
morning with my parents to see if it was real. The contractions didn't go away, so I started to feel optimistic that it was actually labor. I took a nap with my daughter and around 2pm my water broke. It wasn't a gush, just a distinctive pop. Around 4:30 or 5pm my parents brought us dinner (pizza, strawberries and dip). Around 6pm I had to ask them to leave because I started feeling like I needed to hide from them during contractions. I felt like I only wanted my DD and DH to see me during contractions. By this time the only thing that made me feel comfortable during the contractions was teh birth ball. I even sat on it during dinner. After my parents left I called my doula and best friend to tell them to leisurely make their way to my house. They arrived no more than 2 hours later if not earlier. My contractions stalled out for about 30 minutes until I got used to everyone being there. Things really started getting good once my DD was put to bed and my BF's DH put their DS to bed (she's bf'ing so she needed to bring her DH to help watch her DS). My doula even mentioned that I just waited until everything settled down and got quiet. I felt the most comfortable when it was just her, me and my BF. It was the camaderie of women who had BTDT. I knew they would know what I would need from them. When the contractions got the point where I couldn't talk through them they would stop talking so I could have absolute quiet during the contractions would help me feel like they appreciated and respected what I was doing. At one point my doula even said that I made it look easy, but it took all my concentration to relax every muscle so it would hurt less. Around 5am or so, after I tried to take another nap, my doula suggested that maybe we should leave before my DD woke up. So I called my parents to come over around 6:30am to beat DD waking up and we headed to the hospital. Right before we left though I went to the bathroom one last time (which by the way the toilet was the most hated thing for me, it seemed to make everything much more painful and intense for me) and had to throw up, which told me that things were truly getting serious and was probably in transition. I felt bad since everyone heard me do it and it was very violent sounding. So we got to the hospital around 6:45am or so and immediately I started to feel out of my element. I immediately started to resent every single person that I didn't know who saw me in labor. I felt like it was a sacred event and people were intruding. My doula even said later that I even looked like I my disposition even changed and lost my zone. I went to L&D triage and was directed to the bathroom for a urine sample and to change in the hospital gown. I was then told that I would have to lay down for the entire time I was being monitored (which I didn't agree with) and was also checked. I can't describe it well enough but even the memory of this part gives me incredible anxiety. Anyway, I was forced to lay down even though I really stressed that I didn't want to. When the nurse examined me I totally freaked out. I started to have a huge anxiety attack. She was not gentle with me nor talked me through it. I felt intensely violated. I started to really feel like my voice wasn't being heard and I was losing control. It all made me feel like a little kid all over again, from when I was sexually abused. When the nurse was finally done (it didn't really take that long) she told us that I was 7cm. My people all tried to cheer me up with that good news but I couldn't view being where I was as good at all. Around this time (with the nurse close by) I said that I wish I had had a home birth, this didn't go over very well with her and she got even more rude and unkind, it seemed. I was then walked down to a labor and delivery because OMG I was actually in labor:-). The room was one of the larger rooms so that was happy thing for all of us. The nurse then set up my IV and then hooked me up to saline without asking me, I only wanted the hep-lock and they knew that. Then they called in my doctor who just got done with another delivery. He checked me and once again (not his fault, just left over feelings from before and anxiety) I freaked out. I couldn't handle anyone touching me in or around my vagina, it felt horrible. Once that was all done I was told that I could finally try out the birth ball, but as soon as I did I was told to get back on teh bed because the baby wasn't responding well at all to that. They tried to have me on my sides, but the whole laying down thing really was freaking me out. My doula finally asked me what I wanted to do and I decided to give all fours a try. That was finally something that felt remotely good and the baby was reacting fairly well to. During all of this I couldn't calm myself down, I was majorly freaking out (later we all decided that it was a bunch of factors including transition that was doing it to me). About 15-30 minutes after the doctor checked me the first time (about 1 hour after I got there?) I had the undeniable urge to push. I couldn't resist it. The nurse tried to get me to stop, but my doula talked me into doing small grunting pushes and that helped. When the doctor came back I was 9 1/2 cm, I just had a lip left (same thing happened with DD). I don't know when I started to really freak out but at some point I decided I had enough and I was going to try to leave, but of course I didn't:-) And later on I decided I needed to have a c-section, I was freaking out, it didn't feel right, I was done. The baby through the whole thing kept on having low heart rates during contractions and this was making everyone nervous, even my doula (who at home births normally does the heartrate checks) said they would be concerned if they saw these rates at a home birth. Now I realize there were alot of things going on at this point, anxiety, transission, exhaustion, among other things. I really wonder if I had had a homebirth things might have been more relaxed, but I will never know. Anyway...They were getting everything ready for a c-section and the doctor wanted to check me one more time. So I moved from my squatting position back onto my back which of course I still hated, and he checked and the baby had moved down and he wanted me to try to push him out after all. This was after they had already given me the medicine to relax the uterus. During the whole time I was pushing the Dr kept his hands in my vagina pushing really hard which I detested and was freaking me out. I kept on asking him to stop but he kept on. He asked if I would be okay with him using a vacuum to get the baby out and I refused (since I have heard many bad things about it). In less than 30 minutes of pushing Will arrived. This was the most primal triumph I have ever felt, more than I felt with my DD. I caught Will myself and brought him up to my chest. Will had had his cord wrapped around his shoulder and chest (they called it a knapsack wrap or something), so they immediately cut his cord. Will was grunting with his breathing so they took him away from practically immediately and I didn't see him again for over an hour. That was so incredibly traumatic for me, I didn't feel like I had a baby. So it took me awhile to bond with him once he was brought back, it took practically til we got home that we relaxed with each other. Sorry this was so long, Thanks for reading!!! Kat Mama to Maggie 11/03/01 and Will 02/10/04 (almost 4 months old!!!) |
#2
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Will's Birth Story (REALLY long and late)
I wanted just for my last 2 cents:-) that I will never have a hospital birth
ever again. I felt like my power and opinions where ignored and stripped from me. I have sense realized I need to feel safe and secure where I am and I didn't feel that this time at the hospital. Home birth it is next time, which might be in 5 years or so. I will put up an update on Will and Maggie later. THanks!! Kat Mama to Maggie 11/03/01 and Will 02/10/04 "Kat" wrote in message ... Labor started for me around 2am Monday, Feb 9th. I went for a walk that morning with my parents to see if it was real. The contractions didn't go away, so I started to feel optimistic that it was actually labor. I took a nap with my daughter and around 2pm my water broke. It wasn't a gush, just a distinctive pop. Around 4:30 or 5pm my parents brought us dinner (pizza, strawberries and dip). Around 6pm I had to ask them to leave because I started feeling like I needed to hide from them during contractions. I felt like I only wanted my DD and DH to see me during contractions. By this time the only thing that made me feel comfortable during the contractions was teh birth ball. I even sat on it during dinner. After my parents left I called my doula and best friend to tell them to leisurely make their way to my house. They arrived no more than 2 hours later if not earlier. My contractions stalled out for about 30 minutes until I got used to everyone being there. Things really started getting good once my DD was put to bed and my BF's DH put their DS to bed (she's bf'ing so she needed to bring her DH to help watch her DS). My doula even mentioned that I just waited until everything settled down and got quiet. I felt the most comfortable when it was just her, me and my BF. It was the camaderie of women who had BTDT. I knew they would know what I would need from them. When the contractions got the point where I couldn't talk through them they would stop talking so I could have absolute quiet during the contractions would help me feel like they appreciated and respected what I was doing. At one point my doula even said that I made it look easy, but it took all my concentration to relax every muscle so it would hurt less. Around 5am or so, after I tried to take another nap, my doula suggested that maybe we should leave before my DD woke up. So I called my parents to come over around 6:30am to beat DD waking up and we headed to the hospital. Right before we left though I went to the bathroom one last time (which by the way the toilet was the most hated thing for me, it seemed to make everything much more painful and intense for me) and had to throw up, which told me that things were truly getting serious and was probably in transition. I felt bad since everyone heard me do it and it was very violent sounding. So we got to the hospital around 6:45am or so and immediately I started to feel out of my element. I immediately started to resent every single person that I didn't know who saw me in labor. I felt like it was a sacred event and people were intruding. My doula even said later that I even looked like I my disposition even changed and lost my zone. I went to L&D triage and was directed to the bathroom for a urine sample and to change in the hospital gown. I was then told that I would have to lay down for the entire time I was being monitored (which I didn't agree with) and was also checked. I can't describe it well enough but even the memory of this part gives me incredible anxiety. Anyway, I was forced to lay down even though I really stressed that I didn't want to. When the nurse examined me I totally freaked out. I started to have a huge anxiety attack. She was not gentle with me nor talked me through it. I felt intensely violated. I started to really feel like my voice wasn't being heard and I was losing control. It all made me feel like a little kid all over again, from when I was sexually abused. When the nurse was finally done (it didn't really take that long) she told us that I was 7cm. My people all tried to cheer me up with that good news but I couldn't view being where I was as good at all. Around this time (with the nurse close by) I said that I wish I had had a home birth, this didn't go over very well with her and she got even more rude and unkind, it seemed. I was then walked down to a labor and delivery because OMG I was actually in labor:-). The room was one of the larger rooms so that was happy thing for all of us. The nurse then set up my IV and then hooked me up to saline without asking me, I only wanted the hep-lock and they knew that. Then they called in my doctor who just got done with another delivery. He checked me and once again (not his fault, just left over feelings from before and anxiety) I freaked out. I couldn't handle anyone touching me in or around my vagina, it felt horrible. Once that was all done I was told that I could finally try out the birth ball, but as soon as I did I was told to get back on teh bed because the baby wasn't responding well at all to that. They tried to have me on my sides, but the whole laying down thing really was freaking me out. My doula finally asked me what I wanted to do and I decided to give all fours a try. That was finally something that felt remotely good and the baby was reacting fairly well to. During all of this I couldn't calm myself down, I was majorly freaking out (later we all decided that it was a bunch of factors including transition that was doing it to me). About 15-30 minutes after the doctor checked me the first time (about 1 hour after I got there?) I had the undeniable urge to push. I couldn't resist it. The nurse tried to get me to stop, but my doula talked me into doing small grunting pushes and that helped. When the doctor came back I was 9 1/2 cm, I just had a lip left (same thing happened with DD). I don't know when I started to really freak out but at some point I decided I had enough and I was going to try to leave, but of course I didn't:-) And later on I decided I needed to have a c-section, I was freaking out, it didn't feel right, I was done. The baby through the whole thing kept on having low heart rates during contractions and this was making everyone nervous, even my doula (who at home births normally does the heartrate checks) said they would be concerned if they saw these rates at a home birth. Now I realize there were alot of things going on at this point, anxiety, transission, exhaustion, among other things. I really wonder if I had had a homebirth things might have been more relaxed, but I will never know. Anyway...They were getting everything ready for a c-section and the doctor wanted to check me one more time. So I moved from my squatting position back onto my back which of course I still hated, and he checked and the baby had moved down and he wanted me to try to push him out after all. This was after they had already given me the medicine to relax the uterus. During the whole time I was pushing the Dr kept his hands in my vagina pushing really hard which I detested and was freaking me out. I kept on asking him to stop but he kept on. He asked if I would be okay with him using a vacuum to get the baby out and I refused (since I have heard many bad things about it). In less than 30 minutes of pushing Will arrived. This was the most primal triumph I have ever felt, more than I felt with my DD. I caught Will myself and brought him up to my chest. Will had had his cord wrapped around his shoulder and chest (they called it a knapsack wrap or something), so they immediately cut his cord. Will was grunting with his breathing so they took him away from practically immediately and I didn't see him again for over an hour. That was so incredibly traumatic for me, I didn't feel like I had a baby. So it took me awhile to bond with him once he was brought back, it took practically til we got home that we relaxed with each other. Sorry this was so long, Thanks for reading!!! Kat Mama to Maggie 11/03/01 and Will 02/10/04 (almost 4 months old!!!) |
#3
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Will's Birth Story (REALLY long and late)
I was going to say that after the way you felt violated in
the hospital, why didn't you have a homebirth, but then I read your follow-up. I am glad the baby came without really serious interventions like augmentation or worse c-section and was healthy. I am glad that you have a healty happy baby, and I am sure that if you have another at home, that it will be a wonderful experience for you, Larry |
#4
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Will's Birth Story (REALLY long and late)
"Larry McMahan" wrote in message ... I was going to say that after the way you felt violated in the hospital, why didn't you have a homebirth, but then I read your follow-up. I am glad the baby came without really serious interventions like augmentation or worse c-section and was healthy. I am glad that you have a healty happy baby, and I am sure that if you have another at home, that it will be a wonderful experience for you, Larry When we first arrived at the hospital I made a comment that I should have had a homebirth. We just didn't have the foresight that I wouldn't be happy at the hospital and save up money for a home birth. That won't be an issue next time. Thank you Larry, I am glad Will is a happy baby and all in all I had the birth I wanted (I just wasn't happy where I was:-)). Kat Mama to Maggie 11/03/01 and Will 02/10/04 |
#5
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Will's Birth Story (REALLY long and late)
Kat wrote:
I wanted just for my last 2 cents:-) that I will never have a hospital birth ever again. I felt like my power and opinions where ignored and stripped from me. I have sense realized I need to feel safe and secure where I am and I didn't feel that this time at the hospital. Home birth it is next time, which might be in 5 years or so. Sounds like you're the sort who would have a really great time with a homebirth. Congratulations on your new addition to the family, and I'm so glad to hear everyone is happy and healthy. Best wishes, Ericka |
#6
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Will's Birth Story (REALLY long and late)
"Kat" wrote in message ... I wanted just for my last 2 cents:-) that I will never have a hospital birth ever again. I felt like my power and opinions where ignored and stripped from me. I have sense realized I need to feel safe and secure where I am and I didn't feel that this time at the hospital. Home birth it is next time, which might be in 5 years or so. I will put up an update on Will and Maggie later. THanks!! Kat Mama to Maggie 11/03/01 and Will 02/10/04 Oh Kat I am so sorry for what you went through. No one deserves this, why do they do it? You did such a good job in such an environment. Your story was really hard to read as so much of it reminded me of the trauma I had with my homebirth. Particularly about the hands being in you so much and how it made you feel. So you might want to think about unassisted homebirth too. Ericka and Richard have such positive homebirth midwife experiences, and we tend to be rah rah about midwives on this board, and I was, too, until ... I feel sometimes that I was stripped of everything I was and everything I wanted to be. And I cannot say it is worse than what you went through, but it happened in my bedroom and defiled my sanctuary, and I don't want to sell the house just yet. -- Dagny Mom to Meg, 10/03 EDD 1/19/04 |
#7
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Will's Birth Story (REALLY long and late)
"Dagny" wrote in message ... "Kat" wrote in message ... I wanted just for my last 2 cents:-) that I will never have a hospital birth ever again. I felt like my power and opinions where ignored and stripped from me. I have sense realized I need to feel safe and secure where I am and I didn't feel that this time at the hospital. Home birth it is next time, which might be in 5 years or so. I will put up an update on Will and Maggie later. THanks!! Kat Mama to Maggie 11/03/01 and Will 02/10/04 Oh Kat I am so sorry for what you went through. No one deserves this, why do they do it? You did such a good job in such an environment. Your story was really hard to read as so much of it reminded me of the trauma I had with my homebirth. Particularly about the hands being in you so much and how it made you feel. So you might want to think about unassisted homebirth too. Ericka and Richard have such positive homebirth midwife experiences, and we tend to be rah rah about midwives on this board, and I was, too, until ... I feel sometimes that I was stripped of everything I was and everything I wanted to be. And I cannot say it is worse than what you went through, but it happened in my bedroom and defiled my sanctuary, and I don't want to sell the house just yet. -- Dagny Mom to Meg, 10/03 EDD 1/19/04 I felt so violated and disappointed in myself and with the hospital. Alot of the interventions they did do were totally unnecessary and for their convenience only. They could have kept watch on Will in our room but for their convienence they wanted him in the nursery. I don't think they realize how important it is to keep babies with their moms. I felt so unhappy and depressed for awhile about it all but my Best Friend, doula and DH reminded me that I labored in peace and was very happy at home, it just got sucked away at the hospital, no happy feelings there expect when he was born and that was cut short. Alot of things in the birth story still upset me and make me cry, ie him being taken away, how the initial nurse treated me and the dr keeping his hands on me when it wasn't necessary. Sorry about your bad experience too, it really sucks, hopefully you will have a better experience with your next, I'll be waiting in hopes for you. Kat Mama to Maggie 11/03/01 and Will 02/10/04 |
#8
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Will's Birth Story (REALLY long and late)
"Ericka Kammerer" wrote in message ... Kat wrote: I wanted just for my last 2 cents:-) that I will never have a hospital birth ever again. I felt like my power and opinions where ignored and stripped from me. I have sense realized I need to feel safe and secure where I am and I didn't feel that this time at the hospital. Home birth it is next time, which might be in 5 years or so. Sounds like you're the sort who would have a really great time with a homebirth. Congratulations on your new addition to the family, and I'm so glad to hear everyone is happy and healthy. Best wishes, Ericka I'm excited about the possibility of having a third child and having a homebirth. We'll see what happens...I have a few years to talk my DH into it:-) Kat mama to Maggie 11/03/01 and Will 02/10/04 |
#9
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Will's Birth Story (REALLY long and late)
"Kat" wrote in message ... I felt so violated and disappointed in myself and with the hospital. Alot of the interventions they did do were totally unnecessary and for their convenience only. They could have kept watch on Will in our room but for their convienence they wanted him in the nursery. I don't think they realize how important it is to keep babies with their moms. Unbelievably, my baby was taken away from me too. And she didn't have any health problems at all. It's just that I didn't reach for her because I was too traumatized, so my husband asked if he could hold her, and the midwife picked her up off me and handed her to him and away she went to who knows where. Probably the den. Nobody told DH about bonding or mentioned that he should be sitting by me, loving me and showing me the baby and calling me back. Since everyone else was ignoring that I was completely traumatized, and paying attention only to my crotch, and DH knows nothing about birth ... how could the midwife do that to me. How could everyone we trusted do this to us and allow this to be done to us. We were supposed to be safe, no matter where we were. You had a doula, a friend, your husband ... Dagny |
#10
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Will's Birth Story (REALLY long and late)
"Dagny" wrote in message ... "Kat" wrote in message ... I felt so violated and disappointed in myself and with the hospital. Alot of the interventions they did do were totally unnecessary and for their convenience only. They could have kept watch on Will in our room but for their convienence they wanted him in the nursery. I don't think they realize how important it is to keep babies with their moms. Unbelievably, my baby was taken away from me too. And she didn't have any health problems at all. It's just that I didn't reach for her because I was too traumatized, so my husband asked if he could hold her, and the midwife picked her up off me and handed her to him and away she went to who knows where. Probably the den. Nobody told DH about bonding or mentioned that he should be sitting by me, loving me and showing me the baby and calling me back. Since everyone else was ignoring that I was completely traumatized, and paying attention only to my crotch, and DH knows nothing about birth .... how could the midwife do that to me. How could everyone we trusted do this to us and allow this to be done to us. We were supposed to be safe, no matter where we were. You had a doula, a friend, your husband ... Dagny My friend, doula and husband were all taken by surprise by how freaked out I was. We were all not prepared for what happpened, if we had been I think we would have been able to compensate and hopefully have calmed me down. We never expected such a incredible difference in my attitudes with my children's births. With Maggie I was relaxed, calm, and easily encouraged. This time I anxious practically the whole entire time, major anxiety attack, and felt betrayed that I was even there (even though that was my choice). What made me upset later after I had time to think about it and talk about it, they could have observed Will while I held him. Ultimately there was nothing wrong with him and they could have monitored him with him on me. It's so frustrating, but I am trying to look at the bad parts as something to learn from and also that I trusted the people with me enough to show that side of myself. Can I ask you what happened in your birth? It sounds like you and I are having the same feelings from the births. You are going to have an unassisted birth this time? How else are you preparing yourself and your husband mentally? Kat Mama tO Maggie 11/03/01 and Will 02/10/04 |
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