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Is this proper?
"Henry" wrote in message 7.142... "Tracy" wrote in : Now we get to accountability. That is what I want. Why can the RP not pay for things? Where did this money go? Without accountability, I see irresponsibility unless shown otherwise. And that frustrates me to know end. The courts do nothing. The ex does nothing and the children suffer. My ex views my questions and concerns as controlling and tells me to get lost. The child suffers yet again. Henry, If she is that irresponsible have you thought about taking her back to court for full custody? Do you know for sure the kids don't have proper clothing for winter, or is it that they decided to not bring it to your home? I understand what you are saying - believe me I do. As a parent I couldn't just sit there and do nothing. The problem is how to deal with it without causing WWIII between parents. If your ex is not being reasonable no matter what you do, then you only have one other choice - take her to court. Have her explain to a judge why she can't afford to purchase the children's basic needs. I agree with you, since she is on the receiving end it is *her* responsibility to ensure the children's basic needs are met. That money is not there for her to party on (so to speak). In a way my husband is receiving the same type of BS you are. His ex claims she can't afford to help support the kids. Does it really matter if the person is the NCP or CP when their claims of inability are a bunch of BS? She claims she has limited funds after paying rent, etc. Those limited funds go to groceries and gas. Meanwhile she smokes and drinks. I bet you she spends at least $150/month on just cigarettes and alcohol. Your situation and the situation my husband is in is similar in that both ex-wives have their priorities screwed up. Anyone who finds it more important to furnish themselves with an expense dog, new car, larger rent, cigarettes, alcohol, etc... and puts their kids last is selfish, in my strong opinion. Personally I don't care if they are the CP or the NCP. Your children should come first before the non-essential items in life like alcohol. The above is why I've made comments concerning if I did the right thing by talking to his ex one-on-one concerning the kids and her lack of involvement in their lives. Sometimes I think our lives would be better off, or better put - our marriage. We only argue over a few things, and none have been about my son's father. BTW - the flip side to the situation you brought up in your post is when children arrive home after spending the weekend with the NCP and they don't bring home all their clothing or other items. So far we've had to purchase two sets of shin-guards for my SD, because one is left and she has to have them to play soccer. She has also left behind almost all of her shoes at one time of another. So we've had to purchase more shoes. She has left her nice coat. Panties seem to disappear too. So I find it very irresponsible that they are not coming home with their belongings. I also find it totally irresponsible that these children come home Sunday afternoon and they haven't ate lunch! So they go and make a big mess in the kitchen and expect someone else to clean up after them. I like co-parenting with my son's father. If he has him for more than 3 days, my son returns home with clean clothes. He feeds him dinner before bringing him home. He's supportive of him to do well in school, including sports & music. He's concerned enough about him that he'll approach me when their relationship seems tense. Him and I will talk about it. If need be, we'll meet at a restaurant and talk. We don't argue. It took us 2.5 years to get to a point where we were civil to each other, and an additional 4-5 years before we got to the point where we are at currently. Things have really changed between his dad and I since dad got married. I have my thoughts on why he changed around that time... but that's another topic. Anyways - it takes time to develop that type of relationship with your children's other parent. One last thing before I call it a night... what really ending the constant wars between us (those first 2.5 years) was one day I put my foot down and told him I wasn't going to fight anymore. I stopped. When he tried to start, I didn't play along. I didn't react. Instead I would hang up the phone, walk away, smile and say "that's nice." Anything I had to do to not fight. It took no more than 1 month when he stopped too. In other words, it took *us* 2.5 years to get over our relationship and accept the fact that we were threw. You know why I just said that? Because our arguments would start about the care of our son and turn into fights concerning *us* - not our son. We weren't fighting about our son. Thanks, Tracy ~~~~ http://www.hornschuch.net/tracy/ |
#2
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Is this proper?
On Fri, 11 Nov 2005 22:06:03 -0800, "Tracy"
wrote: "Henry" wrote in message . 97.142... "Tracy" wrote in : Now we get to accountability. That is what I want. Why can the RP not pay for things? Where did this money go? Without accountability, I see irresponsibility unless shown otherwise. And that frustrates me to know end. The courts do nothing. The ex does nothing and the children suffer. My ex views my questions and concerns as controlling and tells me to get lost. The child suffers yet again. Henry, If she is that irresponsible have you thought about taking her back to court for full custody? Do you know for sure the kids don't have proper clothing for winter, or is it that they decided to not bring it to your home? When I sent my sons on their first summer visitation with my ex, I sent them with all their new summer clothing. My ex's stepson's are the same age/size and, guess what? I think they did their shopping from my sons' suitcases! In fact, one well loved shirt was retained by a same-aged cousin and FINALLY returned once everyone had grown out of it nearly a year later. Since that time, I send them with clothing we can afford to lose (i.e. last year's stuff that still fits, but is well worn). It's not that my kids don't have nice clothes, but I am not letting him recoup his child support (which wasn't paid) by keeping my sons' good clothing. I understand what you are saying - believe me I do. As a parent I couldn't just sit there and do nothing. The problem is how to deal with it without causing WWIII between parents. If your ex is not being reasonable no matter what you do, then you only have one other choice - take her to court. Have her explain to a judge why she can't afford to purchase the children's basic needs. I agree with you, since she is on the receiving end it is *her* responsibility to ensure the children's basic needs are met. That money is not there for her to party on (so to speak). In a way my husband is receiving the same type of BS you are. His ex claims she can't afford to help support the kids. Does it really matter if the person is the NCP or CP when their claims of inability are a bunch of BS? She claims she has limited funds after paying rent, etc. Those limited funds go to groceries and gas. Meanwhile she smokes and drinks. I bet you she spends at least $150/month on just cigarettes and alcohol. Your situation and the situation my husband is in is similar in that both ex-wives have their priorities screwed up. Anyone who finds it more important to furnish themselves with an expense dog, new car, larger rent, cigarettes, alcohol, etc... and puts their kids last is selfish, in my strong opinion. Personally I don't care if they are the CP or the NCP. Your children should come first before the non-essential items in life like alcohol. The above is why I've made comments concerning if I did the right thing by talking to his ex one-on-one concerning the kids and her lack of involvement in their lives. Sometimes I think our lives would be better off, or better put - our marriage. We only argue over a few things, and none have been about my son's father. BTW - the flip side to the situation you brought up in your post is when children arrive home after spending the weekend with the NCP and they don't bring home all their clothing or other items. So far we've had to purchase two sets of shin-guards for my SD, because one is left and she has to have them to play soccer. She has also left behind almost all of her shoes at one time of another. So we've had to purchase more shoes. She has left her nice coat. Panties seem to disappear too. So I find it very irresponsible that they are not coming home with their belongings. I also find it totally irresponsible that these children come home Sunday afternoon and they haven't ate lunch! So they go and make a big mess in the kitchen and expect someone else to clean up after them. I like co-parenting with my son's father. If he has him for more than 3 days, my son returns home with clean clothes. He feeds him dinner before bringing him home. He's supportive of him to do well in school, including sports & music. He's concerned enough about him that he'll approach me when their relationship seems tense. Him and I will talk about it. If need be, we'll meet at a restaurant and talk. We don't argue. It took us 2.5 years to get to a point where we were civil to each other, and an additional 4-5 years before we got to the point where we are at currently. Things have really changed between his dad and I since dad got married. I have my thoughts on why he changed around that time... but that's another topic. Anyways - it takes time to develop that type of relationship with your children's other parent. One last thing before I call it a night... what really ending the constant wars between us (those first 2.5 years) was one day I put my foot down and told him I wasn't going to fight anymore. I stopped. When he tried to start, I didn't play along. I didn't react. Instead I would hang up the phone, walk away, smile and say "that's nice." Anything I had to do to not fight. It took no more than 1 month when he stopped too. In other words, it took *us* 2.5 years to get over our relationship and accept the fact that we were threw. You know why I just said that? Because our arguments would start about the care of our son and turn into fights concerning *us* - not our son. We weren't fighting about our son. Thanks, Tracy ~~~~ http://www.hornschuch.net/tracy/ |
#3
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Is this proper?
"Tracy" wrote in
: Henry, If she is that irresponsible have you thought about taking her back to court for full custody? Do you know for sure the kids don't have proper clothing for winter, or is it that they decided to not bring it to your home? I understand what you are saying - believe me I do. As a parent I couldn't just sit there and do nothing. The problem is how to deal with it without causing WWIII between parents. If your ex is not being reasonable no matter what you do, then you only have one other choice - take her to court. Have her explain to a judge why she can't afford to purchase the children's basic needs. I agree with you, since she is on the receiving end it is *her* responsibility to ensure the children's basic needs are met. That money is not there for her to party on (so to speak). I have thought about this. But in Canada, men only receive sole-custody (or joint custody with the majority of access to Dad) in less than 10% of cases. I just spent $30,000 over the last 4 years getting 50-50 and joint custody. Even if I managed to win, I doubt that my support would be lowered. I do not trust the system at all in Canada. I have also seen the bias in the courts against men first hand (numerous times). Also, the ex would counter-file with sole custody. I am sure my ex could come up with all kinds of excuses to sway the judge and get custody. Not only would I not win my custody/access case, I would end up losing custody since a judge would side with her, and my support would probably increase above the full table amount! Oh, and I would be hit with her court fees. Finally, I am exhausted and emotionally drained. I have to prepare for a huge CS battle in court next spring since the supreme court just recently announced a non-decision regarding reduced support on shared access. Well, a decision against Dads anyway. I have to pick my battles. One wonders why men would want to see their child after divorce. Years of legal battles, lawyers fees, mounting debt, to MAYBE get joint custody and if you are lucky, to MAYBE get 50-50 (or at least not be the every other weekend Dad). Extra expenses (section 7) above CS. And, as a luxury of seeing your children 50% of the time, incuring all kinds of day-to-day expenses that are not accounted or given credit for. And now, you get no break on child support... so your debt increases. Finally, you ex will not provide for your children, because she knows, that I will care for them because I do not want them to catch a cold. And she excludes me from everything (e.g. birthday parties) so I end up duplicating everything. So I pay for more than share of day-to-day and a lot of duplicated items. If I did not see my child... I would only have CS and extra expenses. I would save about $300 month. Involved Father: Child Support Extra Expenses Day-to-Day Costs (e.g. food, transportation, activities, etc) Captial Expenses (bed, toys, books) Revenge Expenses (duplicated items, parties, etc) Legeal Bills Intangible: frustration, exhaustion, hurt. Non-Involved Father Child Support Extra Expenses hmmm... Sheesh. H. |
#4
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Is this proper?
"Henry" wrote in Non-Involved Father Child Support Extra Expenses I did not choose to be a father, so I have no emotional stake in the fight that they can use to manipulate me. Walk away, take all the personal battles out of the fight and watch her become more reasonable in terms of visitation. Why should you have to fight for visitation when it's a child's right to see you when they want to? Don't waste another dime on custody battles, only the Divorce Industry that fuels these expensive court sessions will hate you. Kids are smarter than what most people think, they will eventually do what they want, and in their own time. You just have to be patient! |
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