Spousal Debate: Time to Oneself

My wife and I are having a friendly debate, and I was wondering what
your opinon may be.

I'm a stay-at-home dad with two kids under 4. My wife works full time
(40 hrs). I mentioned to her that she gets a lot of time to herself
and that I would enjoy having time to myself like she does. She didn't
agree and asked, "What time to myself?"

My opinion is that her commute (one hour each way) was significant
time to herself. I cited examples that she gets to: stop for coffee,
go into a bagel shop and get a bagel, listen to music, talk on the
phone, enjoy nice weather driving with the windows down, and even just
time to think to herself. If she took the train, she could even read
if she chose.

She completely disagreed. She replied by saying that her commute is a
chore. Being stuck in traffic was not relaxing, but very stressful.
She said it's too difficult to drive and talk on the phone and there
is no time to stop and get a bagel. She stated that I was the one who
had time to myself, with going outside with the kids, going out for
lunch, watching television, playing, etc.

Obviously we both have valid points on the topic. I commuted for 15
years before staying home, so I understand both points of view. We
both work very hard in our roles, but I'm still convinced that a
commute is time to oneself, while parenting is always time with
children.

Any thoughts on this?

In article ,
(Sonnie B.) wrote:

My wife and I are having a friendly debate, and I was wondering what
your opinon may be.

I'm a stay-at-home dad with two kids under 4. My wife works full time
(40 hrs). I mentioned to her that she gets a lot of time to herself
and that I would enjoy having time to myself like she does. She didn't
agree and asked, "What time to myself?"

My opinion is that her commute (one hour each way) was significant
time to herself. I cited examples that she gets to: stop for coffee,
go into a bagel shop and get a bagel, listen to music, talk on the
phone, enjoy nice weather driving with the windows down, and even just
time to think to herself. If she took the train, she could even read
if she chose.

She completely disagreed. She replied by saying that her commute is a
chore. Being stuck in traffic was not relaxing, but very stressful.
She said it's too difficult to drive and talk on the phone and there
is no time to stop and get a bagel. She stated that I was the one who
had time to myself, with going outside with the kids, going out for
lunch, watching television, playing, etc.

Obviously we both have valid points on the topic. I commuted for 15
years before staying home, so I understand both points of view. We
both work very hard in our roles, but I'm still convinced that a
commute is time to oneself, while parenting is always time with
children.

Any thoughts on this?

Having been both a stay-at-home parent AND a work-out-of-the-home
parent, I can relate to both of you!

However, once I was home full time, I couldn't believe how much I needed
to find a way to have SOME time that I wasn't "on call" to the kids. It
wasn't so much that I needed "time to myself" -- though I suspect that's
how it came out -- it was more that the job is so unrelentingly present
at all times. Sure, I might get an hour or two in the afternoon while
the kids were asleep and I could do whatever I wanted to do (sleep?
read the newspaper? do housework? play my guitar?) -- but the kids
were still there, and I had to maintain an awareness, a presence TO THEM.

I'm not saying it was awful -- only that there were times when I just
needed to NOT be mommie for a few hours, and the only way to do that was
for DH to be the ONLY parent taking care of them for a few hours here
and there.

I remember the first time I got that after the twins were born; DH took
ALL THREE kids shopping with him for a gift for me (Mother's Day, I
think) and I had a blissful 3 hours alone in the house. As I recall, I
listened to music and folded the laundry -- but it was a tremendously
relaxing time.

When you work outside the house, you may or may not get time to yourself
-- but you DO get time doing something else. Some of your time is in
your paid job, some in commuting, some in being the present parent.
There is more variety to your responsibilities, I suppose. When you are
a full time at home parent, you have the same responsibilities 24/7 --
and I found I needed a break from that more than I really needed time to
myself.

I'm not sure I've expressed this well -- but I hope it helps.
--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

"Sonnie B." wrote in message
om...
Obviously we both have valid points on the topic. I commuted for 15
years before staying home, so I understand both points of view. We
both work very hard in our roles, but I'm still convinced that a
commute is time to oneself, while parenting is always time with
children.

Any thoughts on this?

I agree with you. Even when the kids are napping, I do not feel I have time
to myself. I only feel that way when DH comes home and I can ask him to
watch the sleeping kids. There's something about being on call that can be
taxing. When I commute to work, it is relaxing down time.

I'm a SAHM to 3 kids - ages 5 (girl), 4 (boy), and 2 (boy), and I'm due with
#4 in July (gender unknown). My husband is a Marine (works 24/7 pretty
much), when he's not deployed.

He has about a 30 minute commute. To him it's not "me time" at all, he
hates driving, he's trying to get home along with about 25,000 other
Marines - lol. I don't see it as relaxing either.

His "me time" IMO is lunch - he often goes with co-workers for lunch.
Meanwhile I scarf mine standing at the kitchen sink usually - lol. He also
gets 6 months of "me time" every year or 2 Seriously, he gets a lot of
"non-kid time" but not a lot of "me time".

IMO though going out for lunch with 2 kids, or any of the things you
mentioned in your post are certainly NOT "me time". I don't even get to pee
alone, or if I do I have little fingers under the door and a voice yelling
"mamamamamamamamamama". Yeah that's relaxing.

My husband gets time when he comes home to decompress, then he plays with
the kids, or takes them for a walk while I get dinner ready.

Sophie
#4 due 7/18/04

Sonnie B. wrote:
My wife and I are having a friendly debate, and I was wondering what
your opinon may be.

I'm a stay-at-home dad with two kids under 4. My wife works full time
(40 hrs). I mentioned to her that she gets a lot of time to herself
and that I would enjoy having time to myself like she does. She didn't
agree and asked, "What time to myself?"

My opinion is that her commute (one hour each way) was significant
time to herself. I cited examples that she gets to: stop for coffee,
go into a bagel shop and get a bagel, listen to music, talk on the
phone, enjoy nice weather driving with the windows down, and even just
time to think to herself. If she took the train, she could even read
if she chose.

She completely disagreed. She replied by saying that her commute is a
chore. Being stuck in traffic was not relaxing, but very stressful.
She said it's too difficult to drive and talk on the phone and there
is no time to stop and get a bagel. She stated that I was the one who
had time to myself, with going outside with the kids, going out for
lunch, watching television, playing, etc.

Obviously we both have valid points on the topic. I commuted for 15
years before staying home, so I understand both points of view. We
both work very hard in our roles, but I'm still convinced that a
commute is time to oneself, while parenting is always time with
children.

Any thoughts on this?


I think you should each get time to yourselves - but I wouldn't count a
cummute as your wife's share of that time. Maybe it's different for
someone who enjoys driving, but for me there's no such thing as "down
time" during a commute; it's just an unremitting pain. Also, to me,
time to oneself implies time where you can do what you want - commuting
in no way fills that bill.

Clisby

What if you say, "Yes, you're right, sweetheart! Actually, neither of us
has
time to ourselves. What can we do so that we each can have a little time
of
our own?" Maybe she can have a night out with her friends or colleagues
every
few weeks, and she can take your kids out some Saturday, leaving you to do
whatever you want.

Richard
dad to Micaela


I agree with Richard (Hi Guy!)
it sounds like what you and your wife are doing is multi-tasking.

When you have the kids and they are outside, you are not getting "quality"
alone time. Sure you may be
alone, but you can't do whatever you want with that time, you still have to
listen for the kids and such.
You can't pick up your guitar and put on your headphones and tune out the
world.
Same for your wife. She can't kick back in her underwear and read a book
while she is driving to work.
Your both getting time alone, but not time without responsibilities. I think
that's the difference.
It really is the quality of the time alone, not the quantity.
Try to find some time, both alone and together...it helps!

jojo
mom to Josh

In article , Richard says...

Sonnie B. wrote:
: My wife and I are having a friendly debate, and I was wondering what
: your opinon may be.
:
: I'm a stay-at-home dad with two kids under 4. My wife works full time
: (40 hrs). I mentioned to her that she gets a lot of time to herself
: and that I would enjoy having time to myself like she does. She didn't
: agree and asked, "What time to myself?"
:
: My opinion is that her commute (one hour each way) was significant
: time to herself. I cited examples that she gets to: stop for coffee,
: go into a bagel shop and get a bagel, listen to music, talk on the
: phone, enjoy nice weather driving with the windows down, and even just
: time to think to herself. If she took the train, she could even read
: if she chose.
:
: She completely disagreed. She replied by saying that her commute is a
: chore. Being stuck in traffic was not relaxing, but very stressful.
: She said it's too difficult to drive and talk on the phone and there
: is no time to stop and get a bagel. She stated that I was the one who
: had time to myself, with going outside with the kids, going out for
: lunch, watching television, playing, etc.
:
: Obviously we both have valid points on the topic. I commuted for 15
: years before staying home, so I understand both points of view. We
: both work very hard in our roles, but I'm still convinced that a
: commute is time to oneself, while parenting is always time with
: children.
:
: Any thoughts on this?

I'm not a stay-at-home dad, but my wife's work schedule forces me, from time
to time, to live like a single parent for a few days each week, so I have
some idea of where you're coming from.

I don't have time right now to write all I'd like to on this, but one quick
point I would like to make is that you two are arguing the wrong issue.
Whether your spouse has time to herself or not is not justification for you
asking for time to yourself. You *BOTH* deserve time to yourselves once in a
while, and should join forces to see that there is some way you can arrange
that. *ALL* parents need time to themselves. You don't have to argue that
based on whether or not one spouse does and the other doesn't.

Hear hear. And what that solution is depends on all the particulars of the
situation and the tempraments involved. Too often I see this kind of question
treated as if it's some kind of overriding principle involved - as if the SAH
parent working and childrearing and homekeeping all day therefore and henceforth
means for that WOH parent and for all WOH parents, he or she should walk right
in and take over for awhile at 5:30 pm (or whenever) - not 5:45, not 6:00 - 5:30
and that's that!

Well, sometimes the answer IS that the WOH parent really needs to take over at
5:30 right when walking through the door for the family to work as a unit. But
I'd kinda doubt that that's usually really necessary, unless the SAH parent
wants to make an issue of something.

About communiting - I know I felt a big difference between a 15 minute commute
and a 1 hour commute because I've done both. On the hour commute, I really did
come home de-stressed, and I really did get to work psyched up after an hour of
mental planning and thinking in the morning. While the 15 minute commute felt
to me like I was dumping myself unready at work, and dumping myself still wound
up at home :-)
But, regarding the one hour commute, *I* find driving relaxing, tend to just go
with the flow in heavy traffic and space out when it's bumper-to-bumper, so it
worked for me as decompress time or plan-the-day time. For other people,
clearly they find the commute traffic stressful. So that it *not* any kind of
enjoyable alone time for *them*. It depends on the individual and the
situation.

As the kids get older into school age, their activities will begin to
necessitate planning as to which parent does what and goes where in the late
afternoon - the particulars are likely to take over the planning anyway.

So the thing to do is to sit down, figure out what the partners *need*, and work
is into the plan without being burdened by who-does-what-to-prove-they-love
emotional demonstrational requirements.


Sometimes I take our daughter to the zoo, my wife sometimes takes her
shopping.

What if you say, "Yes, you're right, sweetheart! Actually, neither of us has
time to ourselves. What can we do so that we each can have a little time of
our own?" Maybe she can have a night out with her friends or colleagues every
few weeks, and she can take your kids out some Saturday, leaving you to do
whatever you want.

There you go (to the OP) - this is the kind of thing to do. Do tradeoffs.
Trade nights, or trade home-from-work destress time for releif from get-to-bed
stress time. Or something like that. And think a little outside the box, too -
maybe the ticket is for one or other partner to get up an hour before everyone
else does, with no expectations to get anything done during that time.

Banty

Sonnie B. wrote:


Obviously we both have valid points on the topic. I commuted for 15
years before staying home, so I understand both points of view. We
both work very hard in our roles, but I'm still convinced that a
commute is time to oneself, while parenting is always time with
children.

Any thoughts on this?

The only thing that matters is the person's perception.
If one does not perceive one's commute as relaxing, then it
isn't, period. Same with kids. Personally, I find time with
kids somewhat more taxing (even though I choose to do that
instead of working full time), but other people feel it
differently. You pretty much have to work with each
individual's perceptions of what they do, not with what
you think they ought to be feeling.

Best wishes,
Ericka

"Sonnie B." wrote in message
om...
My wife and I are having a friendly debate, and I was wondering what
your opinon may be.

I'm a stay-at-home dad with two kids under 4. My wife works full time
(40 hrs). I mentioned to her that she gets a lot of time to herself
and that I would enjoy having time to myself like she does. She didn't
agree and asked, "What time to myself?"

Well, I am a SAHM so I don't have the work/family experience, but I still
have something to offer.

IMO, "time to yourself" is a block of time doing something *for* yourself
and both spouses should have this time, SAM, or WO/AM. For example, dh and I
both make sure that each other get enough time to enjoy our hobbies. He
golfs and I scrapbook (where I leave the house for 6 hour crops). The time
works out to be about equal but no one here is keeping track. We both feel
satisfied that we can persue hobbies and have time to ourselves in addition
to quality time together and family time. JMO.
--
JennP.

mom to Matthew 10/11/00
EDD #2 10/24/04
remove "no........spam" to reply

"Sonnie B." wrote in message
om...
We
both work very hard in our roles, but I'm still convinced that a
commute is time to oneself, while parenting is always time with
children.

Any thoughts on this?

Commuting and parenting can both be very stressful, or very enjoyable,
at times. It is all in the attitude of the person doing the activity.
To me the main difference is that when you are commuting, you are not
interrupted with 100 requests an hour and can actually complete a mental
train of thought. That is something I would love to have, but commuting
would not necessarily be a fun way to get it. Has your wife considered
books on tape or other ways to make her commute time more enjoyable? I
agree with her, that commuting is not a good time to talk on the phone
or eat bagels.
--
Cheryl S.
(SAH)Mom to Julie, 3, and Jaden, 7 months