Vent: I tried

DS1 (10yo) hates all sports except soccer. DH, DS2 (8yo), and I love
to watch sports. In the fall, our Sundays are spent mostly watching
football while DS1 plays with the neighbor kids or entertains himself
in another room. He likes playing alone and does it frequently when
we're not watching sports, so I've never been too worried about it.
He's not starved of attention. Throughout the week, he gets a lot
of 1-on-1 time with each of us and earlier in the day, I taught him to
play backgammon and DH had played a couple games of chess with him.

However, yesterday he said that we needed to put a limit on how much
football we watch because it leaves him with nothing to do. In the
middle of the afternoon, DH took DS2 to a soccer game and DS3 was
napping, so I turned off the TV, went to DS1 and told him that he had
my undivided attention. I asked what he'd like to do. He had no
ideas. I suggested another game of backgammon. We played one game and
he said he didn't want to play anymore. I offered several other
options of things to do together, but nothing interested him. In the
end, he asked if he could watch a movie that we only let him watch if
DS3 is sleeping. He didn't care if I watched it with him or not.
I'm not sure what else I could have done and I don't think it
really impressed him all that much that I offered him my undivided
attention. I guess I'll try again next Sunday.

Annie

annie wrote:
DS1 (10yo) hates all sports except soccer. DH, DS2 (8yo), and I love
to watch sports. In the fall, our Sundays are spent mostly watching
football while DS1 plays with the neighbor kids or entertains himself
in another room. He likes playing alone and does it frequently when
we're not watching sports, so I've never been too worried about it.
He's not starved of attention. Throughout the week, he gets a lot
of 1-on-1 time with each of us and earlier in the day, I taught him to
play backgammon and DH had played a couple games of chess with him.

However, yesterday he said that we needed to put a limit on how much
football we watch because it leaves him with nothing to do.

Wah- wha!! Too bad, I'd say. Participate or entertain yourself.

In the
middle of the afternoon, DH took DS2 to a soccer game and DS3 was
napping, so I turned off the TV, went to DS1 and told him that he had
my undivided attention. I asked what he'd like to do. He had no
ideas. I suggested another game of backgammon. We played one game and
he said he didn't want to play anymore. I offered several other
options of things to do together, but nothing interested him. In the
end, he asked if he could watch a movie that we only let him watch if
DS3 is sleeping. He didn't care if I watched it with him or not.
I'm not sure what else I could have done and I don't think it
really impressed him all that much that I offered him my undivided
attention. I guess I'll try again next Sunday.

A 10 year old can entertain himself. Yes, doing things together is fun
and necessary but I wouldn't put up with that complaining for one
second. You are not put on this earth to entertain and please your
children on demand. Do other things as a group, other than football
watching.

-L.

annie wrote:
DS1 (10yo) hates all sports except soccer. DH, DS2 (8yo), and I love
to watch sports. In the fall, our Sundays are spent mostly watching
football while DS1 plays with the neighbor kids or entertains himself
in another room. He likes playing alone and does it frequently when
we're not watching sports, so I've never been too worried about it.
He's not starved of attention. Throughout the week, he gets a lot
of 1-on-1 time with each of us and earlier in the day, I taught him to
play backgammon and DH had played a couple games of chess with him.

However, yesterday he said that we needed to put a limit on how much
football we watch because it leaves him with nothing to do. In the
middle of the afternoon, DH took DS2 to a soccer game and DS3 was
napping, so I turned off the TV, went to DS1 and told him that he had
my undivided attention. I asked what he'd like to do. He had no
ideas. I suggested another game of backgammon. We played one game and
he said he didn't want to play anymore. I offered several other
options of things to do together, but nothing interested him. In the
end, he asked if he could watch a movie that we only let him watch if
DS3 is sleeping. He didn't care if I watched it with him or not.
I'm not sure what else I could have done and I don't think it
really impressed him all that much that I offered him my undivided
attention. I guess I'll try again next Sunday.

Annie

I've been thinking about this, and wondered if there's any other times
that your entire family interacts (e.g., dinners, games, walks,
whatnot) -- from my read, it seems that DS1 might be asking not just
for more one-on-one time (nor to be entertained), but for some time
when everyone is participating together in something. I read it that he
feels 'shut out,' not so much that he wants something to do, but some
level of 'family interaction' that he may not be getting (again,
though, I know there are people who spend 6+ hours every Sunday
watching football, and others who watch quite a bit less, so it's
tricky to interpret what 'watching football every Sunday' means in
terms of time).

For me, whenever I tell my kids, "you have my undivided attention" it's
come off poorly. When I just give them my undivided attention, the
results are better (all around -- I'm not feeling that they're not
appreciative of all the other stuff I should be doing, and I think
they're feeling just appreciated, not that I'm 'doing them a favor." I
mention this because your post was titled as a vent, and I wondered if
you felt he wasn't appreciative of your comment 'you have my undivided
attention'.)

Caledonia

"Caledonia" wrote in message
oups.com...

annie wrote:
DS1 (10yo) hates all sports except soccer. DH, DS2 (8yo), and I love
to watch sports. In the fall, our Sundays are spent mostly watching
football while DS1 plays with the neighbor kids or entertains himself
in another room. He likes playing alone and does it frequently when
we're not watching sports, so I've never been too worried about it.
He's not starved of attention. Throughout the week, he gets a lot
of 1-on-1 time with each of us and earlier in the day, I taught him to
play backgammon and DH had played a couple games of chess with him.

However, yesterday he said that we needed to put a limit on how much
football we watch because it leaves him with nothing to do. In the
middle of the afternoon, DH took DS2 to a soccer game and DS3 was
napping, so I turned off the TV, went to DS1 and told him that he had
my undivided attention. I asked what he'd like to do. He had no
ideas. I suggested another game of backgammon. We played one game and
he said he didn't want to play anymore. I offered several other
options of things to do together, but nothing interested him. In the
end, he asked if he could watch a movie that we only let him watch if
DS3 is sleeping. He didn't care if I watched it with him or not.
I'm not sure what else I could have done and I don't think it
really impressed him all that much that I offered him my undivided
attention. I guess I'll try again next Sunday.

Annie

I know my sister found the rest of the family playing tennis could be a
problem. It wasn't that she expected full time attention, or even wanted it
over the time we played (which could be 2hrs both weekend days) but then
we'd talk about it, at other times too, plus that it was something she was
outside the rest of the family for.
I'm don't think he's necessarily after your attention, just not to feel so
out of it when you all go off together, then (I expect) discussing it over
dinner afterwards!
Debbie

In article .com, Caledonia
says...


annie wrote:
DS1 (10yo) hates all sports except soccer. DH, DS2 (8yo), and I love
to watch sports. In the fall, our Sundays are spent mostly watching
football while DS1 plays with the neighbor kids or entertains himself
in another room. He likes playing alone and does it frequently when
we're not watching sports, so I've never been too worried about it.
He's not starved of attention. Throughout the week, he gets a lot
of 1-on-1 time with each of us and earlier in the day, I taught him to
play backgammon and DH had played a couple games of chess with him.

However, yesterday he said that we needed to put a limit on how much
football we watch because it leaves him with nothing to do. In the
middle of the afternoon, DH took DS2 to a soccer game and DS3 was
napping, so I turned off the TV, went to DS1 and told him that he had
my undivided attention. I asked what he'd like to do. He had no
ideas. I suggested another game of backgammon. We played one game and
he said he didn't want to play anymore. I offered several other
options of things to do together, but nothing interested him. In the
end, he asked if he could watch a movie that we only let him watch if
DS3 is sleeping. He didn't care if I watched it with him or not.
I'm not sure what else I could have done and I don't think it
really impressed him all that much that I offered him my undivided
attention. I guess I'll try again next Sunday.

Annie

I've been thinking about this, and wondered if there's any other times
that your entire family interacts (e.g., dinners, games, walks,
whatnot) -- from my read, it seems that DS1 might be asking not just
for more one-on-one time (nor to be entertained), but for some time
when everyone is participating together in something. I read it that he
feels 'shut out,' not so much that he wants something to do, but some
level of 'family interaction' that he may not be getting (again,
though, I know there are people who spend 6+ hours every Sunday
watching football, and others who watch quite a bit less, so it's
tricky to interpret what 'watching football every Sunday' means in
terms of time).

Yep. As much as I like watching football, I basically agree and I can sypathize
with the kid. Along the lines of what you said, he needs family interaction
over something that includes his interests if he's not into the football thing.
And "football every Sunday" easily means from 12:00 pre-game shows 'till nearly
midnight for the Sunday night game. And betcha Monday nights get into that too
- and later in the season, Thursday nights and some Saturdays and on top of that
the holidays!

So yeah, it may well be that, just like for TV watching in general, what needs
to be done is to plan which games are of greater interest, maybe follow one team
and some of the more interesting matchups, and take the rest of that time and
develop a family activity which includes this member.

Family life needs to work for all its members on important levels.


For me, whenever I tell my kids, "you have my undivided attention" it's
come off poorly. When I just give them my undivided attention, the
results are better (all around -- I'm not feeling that they're not
appreciative of all the other stuff I should be doing, and I think
they're feeling just appreciated, not that I'm 'doing them a favor." I
mention this because your post was titled as a vent, and I wondered if
you felt he wasn't appreciative of your comment 'you have my undivided
attention'.)

I agree - that can come off easily wrong. He doesn't necessarily want "full
attention", and it's not like 1 hr of full attention makes up for 3 hours of
just being together.

Banty

Banty wrote:

Yep. As much as I like watching football, I basically agree and I can sypathize
with the kid. Along the lines of what you said, he needs family interaction
over something that includes his interests if he's not into the football thing.
And "football every Sunday" easily means from 12:00 pre-game shows 'till nearly
midnight for the Sunday night game. And betcha Monday nights get into that too
- and later in the season, Thursday nights and some Saturdays and on top of that
the holidays!

So yeah, it may well be that, just like for TV watching in general, what needs
to be done is to plan which games are of greater interest, maybe follow one team
and some of the more interesting matchups, and take the rest of that time and
develop a family activity which includes this member.

Even more to the point, he may be jealous of the other
family members having a "thing" and him not having something
equally interesting/special. So, it may not even be enough
just to create more generic family time. It's likely that
he's craving the feeling of everyone sharing and being
excited about something. You could spend more hours together
as a family doing other things, but if they're not as
meaningful/exciting/etc. as the football, then DS10 still
doesn't have a "thing" and is likely to still be unsatisfied.
I would focus more on finding something special
that you do with DS10 that he can be passionate about
and you enjoy enough to talk about it, look forward to it,
learn about it, etc. If you can find that, it probably
won't matter all that much precisely how much time is spent
where, or how undivided your attention is, or what days/
times of the week it happens.
Actually, come to think of it, the family thing
might be a total red herring. This just might be pure,
garden variety sibling rivalry. DS8 has something he
shares with the parents, that the parents find interesting
and important. DS10 maybe couldn't care less about
having the whole family together. Maybe he just wants
something where *his* interest gets that sort of attention
from Mom and/or Dad. He may not have a big interest like
that, but it's never too late to find one. (Actually,
I shouldn't imply that it's totally sibling rivalry--
kids generally want to share some interest with their
parents anyway, so even without a competing sibling he
might feel that need if he didn't perceive you as being
into something that he did. But throw in a brother who's
successfully competing for your attention in something,
and he'll really have his nose out of joint.)
So, does DS10 have something he's into that the
rest of the family, or at least a parent, gets all
excited about? If not, are there any potential candidates?
In our house, I think it's sort of fallen out that
my gig with the boys is the arts stuff (dance, music, etc.)
and Dad's gig with the boys is video games. We have
hell to pay whenever DS9 perceives DS11 getting ahead
on one of those fronts. So, DS9 is upset that DS11 is
old enough to play piano *and* percussion, while DS9
only gets to do piano for now. DS9 gets upset that
DS11 gets to play a few more video games than DS9
does. DS9 gets upset that DS11 gets some more dance
roles that DS9 isn't ready for yet. We *try* to get DS9
interested in some completely different things, but so far
we haven't been terribly successful.

Best wishes,
Ericka

Ericka Kammerer wrote:
Banty wrote:

Yep. As much as I like watching football, I basically agree and I can sypathize
with the kid. Along the lines of what you said, he needs family interaction
over something that includes his interests if he's not into the football thing.
And "football every Sunday" easily means from 12:00 pre-game shows 'till nearly
midnight for the Sunday night game. And betcha Monday nights get into that too
- and later in the season, Thursday nights and some Saturdays and on top of that
the holidays!


So yeah, it may well be that, just like for TV watching in general, what needs
to be done is to plan which games are of greater interest, maybe follow one team
and some of the more interesting matchups, and take the rest of that time and
develop a family activity which includes this member.

This year DH, DS2, and I are all in Fantasy Football, so that makes
most games interesting and also provides lots to talk about, so I think
that's where it's coming from. As I said, I'll try again next weekend,
which means I'm going to not watch as much and just be available
without stating it so blatantly.

Even more to the point, he may be jealous of the other
family members having a "thing" and him not having something
equally interesting/special. So, it may not even be enough
just to create more generic family time. It's likely that
he's craving the feeling of everyone sharing and being
excited about something. You could spend more hours together
as a family doing other things, but if they're not as
meaningful/exciting/etc. as the football, then DS10 still
doesn't have a "thing" and is likely to still be unsatisfied.

He actually does have a couple "things". He really enjoys reading and
picking out books of his for us to read and discuss. Currently, he and
his dad have been having a lot of discussions about the Eragon and
Eldest books and the upcoming movie. I've been speculating with him on
the next Harry Potter book. He and DH play chess nearly every morning
before school and DH has also starting teaching him to cook, which he
gets very excited about.

I'm going to see how it goes this weekend and just be more aware of it
in general. It might just take having a good conversation with him
about how he's feeling and point out his "things".

Thanks all,
Annie

Banty wrote:

In article .com, Caledonia
says...

annie wrote:
DS1 (10yo) hates all sports except soccer. DH, DS2 (8yo), and I love
to watch sports. In the fall, our Sundays are spent mostly watching
football while DS1 plays with the neighbor kids or entertains himself
in another room. He likes playing alone and does it frequently when
we're not watching sports, so I've never been too worried about it.
He's not starved of attention. Throughout the week, he gets a lot
of 1-on-1 time with each of us and earlier in the day, I taught him to
play backgammon and DH had played a couple games of chess with him.

However, yesterday he said that we needed to put a limit on how much
football we watch because it leaves him with nothing to do. In the
middle of the afternoon, DH took DS2 to a soccer game and DS3 was

WHY, if DS1 likes soccer, did DH not take DS1 WITH them to the soccer
game?? Why leave him home?

napping, so I turned off the TV, went to DS1 and told him that he had
my undivided attention. I asked what he'd like to do. He had no
ideas. I suggested another game of backgammon. We played one game and
he said he didn't want to play anymore. I offered several other
options of things to do together, but nothing interested him. In the
end, he asked if he could watch a movie that we only let him watch if
DS3 is sleeping. He didn't care if I watched it with him or not.
I'm not sure what else I could have done and I don't think it
really impressed him all that much that I offered him my undivided
attention. I guess I'll try again next Sunday.

Annie

I've been thinking about this, and wondered if there's any other times
that your entire family interacts (e.g., dinners, games, walks,
whatnot) -- from my read, it seems that DS1 might be asking not just
for more one-on-one time (nor to be entertained), but for some time
when everyone is participating together in something. I read it that he
feels 'shut out,' not so much that he wants something to do, but some
level of 'family interaction' that he may not be getting (again,
though, I know there are people who spend 6+ hours every Sunday
watching football, and others who watch quite a bit less, so it's
tricky to interpret what 'watching football every Sunday' means in
terms of time).

Yep. As much as I like watching football, I basically agree and I can sypathize
with the kid. Along the lines of what you said, he needs family interaction
over something that includes his interests if he's not into the football thing.
And "football every Sunday" easily means from 12:00 pre-game shows 'till nearly
midnight for the Sunday night game. And betcha Monday nights get into that too
- and later in the season, Thursday nights and some Saturdays and on top of that
the holidays!

So yeah, it may well be that, just like for TV watching in general, what needs
to be done is to plan which games are of greater interest, maybe follow one team
and some of the more interesting matchups, and take the rest of that time and
develop a family activity which includes this member.

Family life needs to work for all its members on important levels.


For me, whenever I tell my kids, "you have my undivided attention" it's
come off poorly. When I just give them my undivided attention, the
results are better (all around -- I'm not feeling that they're not
appreciative of all the other stuff I should be doing, and I think
they're feeling just appreciated, not that I'm 'doing them a favor." I
mention this because your post was titled as a vent, and I wondered if
you felt he wasn't appreciative of your comment 'you have my undivided
attention'.)

I would nave never SAID "you have all my attention" to any of my kids.
Nor would I have made him tell me what he wanted to do. The idea
would be for you to suggest something interesting to him.

And anyway, if DS 3 is napping, DS1 does NOT have all of your
attention. Part of it is going to be listening for DS3. And you
would drop what you were doing with DS1 if DS3 woke up wouldn't you?

Nor can you go anywhere. You have to stay there at home because DH
has taken DS2 to a game.

I agree - that can come off easily wrong. He doesn't necessarily want "full
attention", and it's not like 1 hr of full attention makes up for 3 hours of
just being together.

Banty

Rosalie B. wrote:
annie wrote:
DS1 (10yo) hates all sports except soccer. DH, DS2 (8yo), and I love
to watch sports. In the fall, our Sundays are spent mostly watching
football while DS1 plays with the neighbor kids or entertains himself
in another room. He likes playing alone and does it frequently when
we're not watching sports, so I've never been too worried about it.
He's not starved of attention. Throughout the week, he gets a lot
of 1-on-1 time with each of us and earlier in the day, I taught him to
play backgammon and DH had played a couple games of chess with him.

However, yesterday he said that we needed to put a limit on how much
football we watch because it leaves him with nothing to do. In the
middle of the afternoon, DH took DS2 to a soccer game and DS3 was

WHY, if DS1 likes soccer, did DH not take DS1 WITH them to the soccer
game?? Why leave him home?

DS2 was playing in the soccer game. DS1 was invited to go, but he
enjoys playing much more than watching his little brother.

I would nave never SAID "you have all my attention" to any of my kids.
Nor would I have made him tell me what he wanted to do. The idea
would be for you to suggest something interesting to him.

I did suggest several things. He just declined them all. It was after
that that I said he had my attention and asked him to suggest something
to do.

And anyway, if DS 3 is napping, DS1 does NOT have all of your
attention. Part of it is going to be listening for DS3. And you
would drop what you were doing with DS1 if DS3 woke up wouldn't you?

DS3 always sleeps at least 2 1/2 hours and often 3 - 3 1/2 hours, so I
did feel that I had a good chunk of time to give to DS1 uninterrupted.
DS3 is also 3 years old, so he gets out of bed by himself and it's not
necessary to drop everything the minute he wakes up.

Nor can you go anywhere. You have to stay there at home because DH
has taken DS2 to a game.

That was the one limitation, but it was a very cold, windy day, so we
probably wouldn't have ventured outside. As for indoor entertainments
(arcade, movies, etc), I'm sure he would have liked to do something
like that, but those types of things are pretty rare for us and usually
only for special occasions, so he wouldn't suggest that for just a
regular Sunday. He probably would have liked to go swimming, but the
YMCA pool was closed for a swim meet.

Annie