More OT stuff: helping a friend in need

A lady friend is in a really bad way right now. Her husband had emergency
surgery for a complication of Crohn's disease 2 weeks ago, and there were
complications - he almost died, and is still in the hospital and very sick.
Her sister died of cancer 3 days ago. Another sister is also sick with
cancer. She has been working from home doing transcription work for a
doctor's office, but her kids aren't taking the situation well and are very
needy.

Basically, I want to help her, but she won't let me. Even when I called her
up to see how she is, and if there's anything I can do, she said no, thank
you, even while she broke down and cried on the phone. I offered to go
grocery shopping for her, or...something. To bring over a hot meal. She said
it's okay. While crying. I've offered to take her kids for a couple of hours
in the afternoon to give her a break. No reply.

She told me she "doesn't have time to be my friend right now", and I believe
it. But I don't need her to be my friend. I want to be her friend, because
she needs one. God knows, when I was in the hospital for 2 months, we needed
all the help we could get.

I'm beginning to think the only thing I can do is drop things off on her
porch anonymously. Not cooked food, that's too likely to spoil, but maybe
recipe-in-a-jar type things? Cookies? Can any of you ladies help me think of
things I can leave for her and her family, to try to bring them some comfort
or pleasure? I'd like to leave her care packages. Or something.

--angela

Chotii wrote:

I'm beginning to think the only thing I can do is drop things off on her
porch anonymously. Not cooked food, that's too likely to spoil, but maybe
recipe-in-a-jar type things? Cookies? Can any of you ladies help me think of
things I can leave for her and her family, to try to bring them some comfort
or pleasure? I'd like to leave her care packages. Or something.

Dry foods shopping. And a recipe printed out than can be made from the
stuff. A couple videos for the kids. Diapers if any of the kids are in
'em. Toys/drawing stuff for kids (sometimes having the kids be okay
helps a lot). Drop off some fruit or a crossword book at the hospital
(if that can help him). Maybe some videos for him too. A box of tea
for her...luxurious tea. Something Celestial Seasonings (I've never had
anyone not like Sleepytime...)

One day leave a note that says "I will come by on (blank)day at (time)
and will pick up the kids and take them for 4 hours." Don't give her a
chance to wiggle out of it. Who knows, maybe you can teach them to tie
dye :-).
--
'Tis Herself

"Chotii" wrote in message
...
A lady friend is in a really bad way right now. Her husband had emergency
surgery for a complication of Crohn's disease 2 weeks ago, and there were
complications - he almost died, and is still in the hospital and very
sick.
Her sister died of cancer 3 days ago. Another sister is also sick with
cancer. She has been working from home doing transcription work for a
doctor's office, but her kids aren't taking the situation well and are
very
needy.

Basically, I want to help her, but she won't let me. Even when I called
her
up to see how she is, and if there's anything I can do, she said no, thank
you, even while she broke down and cried on the phone. I offered to go
grocery shopping for her, or...something. To bring over a hot meal. She
said
it's okay. While crying. I've offered to take her kids for a couple of
hours
in the afternoon to give her a break. No reply.

She told me she "doesn't have time to be my friend right now", and I
believe
it. But I don't need her to be my friend. I want to be her friend, because
she needs one. God knows, when I was in the hospital for 2 months, we
needed
all the help we could get.

I'm beginning to think the only thing I can do is drop things off on her
porch anonymously. Not cooked food, that's too likely to spoil, but maybe
recipe-in-a-jar type things? Cookies? Can any of you ladies help me think
of
things I can leave for her and her family, to try to bring them some
comfort
or pleasure? I'd like to leave her care packages. Or something.

--angela

I'd say be pro-active. Just turn up and take the kids out for the afternoon
and don't take No for an answer. Leave a meal while you're there. Perhaps
she's very bad at asking for help or is worrying (not because of you) that
she's going to have to reciprocate or be grateful or something else she
doesn't have the energy for right now.

Nikki

Make (or buy) a simple meal - one that you know the kids will like. Wrap it
up. Go over her house and ring the bell. Don't say anything - just put the
meal in the kitchen and leave. Even if she's acting social, just put the
meal in the kitchen and leave. Entertaining people, even friends, is
exhausting and she will be to polite to admit it, I bet.

How old are the kids? Can you show up with museum/movie/discovery zone
tickets or Chuck E. Cheeze tokens in your hand and announce that you'd like
to take the kids out?

Do you know sort of what kinds of groceries they typically shop for (brand
of milk, etc)? You could shop for staples, and just drop it off - again
with no visiting.

Is there a dog you can walk for them? Or take to the groomers for a bath?

When bad things have happened to me, people would call, and say "If you need
anything just call", but I never did. They would make general offers, but I
never wanted to put anyone out - I felt too guilty. When my DS was born, my
in-laws came to visit, and without asking, cleaned my house. There were no
comments about my housekeeping, no whining, not even any asking where
cleaning materials were, just a clean house. When my father died, a good
friend of my mothers showed up with a HUGE pot of homemade chicken soup.
She just smiled, put it in the fridge, and said goodbye. The soup lasted us
for days, and it was wonderful. Had she asked, "can I make you soup?" we
probably would have said no - not wanting to put her out. A friend of my
dad's came over, rang the bell and held up a dog's leash - he proceeded to
take Mom's poor overlooked collie for a nice long walk, and got her fresh
water when they returned. These are the things that have stuck with me.

I know it sounds rude to just assume, but in an odd way, it's more helpful
than asking.

-Shannon

"Chotii" wrote in message
...
A lady friend is in a really bad way right now. Her husband had emergency
surgery for a complication of Crohn's disease 2 weeks ago, and there were
complications - he almost died, and is still in the hospital and very
sick.
Her sister died of cancer 3 days ago. Another sister is also sick with
cancer. She has been working from home doing transcription work for a
doctor's office, but her kids aren't taking the situation well and are
very
needy.

Basically, I want to help her, but she won't let me. Even when I called
her
up to see how she is, and if there's anything I can do, she said no, thank
you, even while she broke down and cried on the phone. I offered to go
grocery shopping for her, or...something. To bring over a hot meal. She
said
it's okay. While crying. I've offered to take her kids for a couple of
hours
in the afternoon to give her a break. No reply.

She told me she "doesn't have time to be my friend right now", and I
believe
it. But I don't need her to be my friend. I want to be her friend, because
she needs one. God knows, when I was in the hospital for 2 months, we
needed
all the help we could get.

I'm beginning to think the only thing I can do is drop things off on her
porch anonymously. Not cooked food, that's too likely to spoil, but maybe
recipe-in-a-jar type things? Cookies? Can any of you ladies help me think
of
things I can leave for her and her family, to try to bring them some
comfort
or pleasure? I'd like to leave her care packages. Or something.

--angela

I agree with the other replies, just give help, their ideas are great, I
have no further to add. I'd love it if someone came and knocked on the
door and said can I take Nathanael for a walk, but I'd never ask someone
to come round and do that.

"Anne Rogers" wrote in message
...
I agree with the other replies, just give help, their ideas are great, I
have no further to add. I'd love it if someone came and knocked on the
door and said can I take Nathanael for a walk, but I'd never ask someone
to come round and do that.


Yep, I'm gonna second, third, fourth and fifth the previous advice. I was SO
grateful when a friend of my son's Mother came over with a weeks worth of
*throw it in the oven* meals right after Nicolas was born. My main worry was
that the rest of my family wasn't going to eat because I wasn't able to
cook. Another thing that was extra helpful was my best friend came over and
did a ton of laundry for me. Don't ask if she needs help, she'll probably
say no, just go do it. Make a list of things that would be important to you
(meals, laundry, cleaning, taking kids out for a couple hours) decide how
much time you're willing to spend helping and prioritize/schedule
accordingly. It's also important for you to decide beforehand how available
you're going to be because you don't want to overdo yourself and end up not
feeling like going back if she needs you to. I know your initial reaction is
that you'll want to just be available for whatever she needs you for but
when it's all said and done reality says that's probably not possible.

Jen

p.s. here is a recipe for a throw it in the oven meal No, there are
really no measurements, sorry, I don't cook that way.

Meat Lasagna:

4-6 sweet Italian sausage links, (about a half to 3/4 lb) taken out of the
caseing.
1 medium sweet onion, diced
3-5 garlic cloves, pealed and chopped into small pieces (I use a small food
processor)
1 lb of provalone cheese slices
3 cans tomato sauce
2 cans stewed tomatoes
1 med package sliced mushrooms
2 large containers ricotta cheese
2 eggs
parsley, italian spices, salt, pepper
1 1lb box of lasagna noodles
1-2 packages mozzerella cheese and some parmesean cheese
disposable aluminum baking dish

Heat water for noodles

cook sausage, onion and garlic until sausage is no longer pink and onions
are turned, add mushrooms and cook a few more minutes until edges are
starting to soften. Add tomato sauce and stewed tomatoes, stir and season to
taste with everything except parsley.

add noodles to now boiling water, only let them cook partway, just until
they're flexable but not fully cooked. Drain and set aside (don't leave them
too long or they'll stick.....timing is everything LOL)

Mix Ricotta cheese, eggs and parsley together in a large bowl and set aside.
(add enough parsley to make it *look pretty* but not over do it)

Spread a thin layer of sauce in the bottom of the baking pan, add a layer of
noodles, then generous layer of sauce, then ricotta cheese, then a layer of
provalone. Repeat layers until the pan is full or you run out of ingredients
Sprinkle mozzerella and parmesean over the top(I usually have about half a
pan left over) Set in fridge for a couple hours, bake at 375 for 1 hour then
let it stand for about 10 - 15 minutes before ready to serve.
If you want to bake it before you bring it to her it will set better the
second time it is heated, heating is the same the second time except instead
of timing it, just bake until hot (usually 35 minutes ish)and let stand for
about 5 minutes. You can also add other ingredients when cooking the sausage
like sliced zuccini or spinach but those are an *if you like them* sort of
thing andcook them about the same as the mushrooms, only until they START
to soften, they'll cook the rest of the way in the oven. I happen to add
everything that sounds good

Herself wrote:
Chotii wrote:

I'm beginning to think the only thing I can do is drop things off on her
porch anonymously. Not cooked food, that's too likely to spoil, but maybe
recipe-in-a-jar type things? Cookies? Can any of you ladies help me think of
things I can leave for her and her family, to try to bring them some comfort
or pleasure? I'd like to leave her care packages. Or something.

Dry foods shopping. And a recipe printed out than can be made from the
stuff. A couple videos for the kids. Diapers if any of the kids are in
'em. Toys/drawing stuff for kids (sometimes having the kids be okay
helps a lot). Drop off some fruit or a crossword book at the hospital
(if that can help him). Maybe some videos for him too. A box of tea
for her...luxurious tea. Something Celestial Seasonings (I've never had
anyone not like Sleepytime...)

One day leave a note that says "I will come by on (blank)day at (time)
and will pick up the kids and take them for 4 hours." Don't give her a
chance to wiggle out of it. Who knows, maybe you can teach them to tie
dye :-).

I like all the ideas every one is giving about bringing food, but I'm not so sure
about the taking the kids part. She could just not be comfortable with having
others help out, but she may also just want to have her family close during this
time. When my grandfather died, my Mom went ahead and dropped me off at day care
in the morning since they were all going to be handling the funeral issues and
everything. She also thought that my father would want some time alone and
would not want for me to see him upset. My father picked me up from day care
about an hour after my Mom dropped me off and basically didn't let go of me for 4
days.

Manda

"Chotii" wrote in message
...
A lady friend is in a really bad way right now. Her husband had emergency
surgery for a complication of Crohn's disease 2 weeks ago, and there were
complications - he almost died, and is still in the hospital and very
sick.
Her sister died of cancer 3 days ago. Another sister is also sick with
cancer. She has been working from home doing transcription work for a
doctor's office, but her kids aren't taking the situation well and are
very
needy.

Basically, I want to help her, but she won't let me. Even when I called
her
up to see how she is, and if there's anything I can do, she said no, thank
you, even while she broke down and cried on the phone. I offered to go
grocery shopping for her, or...something. To bring over a hot meal. She
said
it's okay. While crying. I've offered to take her kids for a couple of
hours
in the afternoon to give her a break. No reply.

She told me she "doesn't have time to be my friend right now", and I
believe
it. But I don't need her to be my friend. I want to be her friend, because
she needs one. God knows, when I was in the hospital for 2 months, we
needed
all the help we could get.

I'm beginning to think the only thing I can do is drop things off on her
porch anonymously. Not cooked food, that's too likely to spoil, but maybe
recipe-in-a-jar type things? Cookies? Can any of you ladies help me think
of
things I can leave for her and her family, to try to bring them some
comfort
or pleasure? I'd like to leave her care packages. Or something.

--angela



Perhaps she does not want help for fear of not being able top reciprocate.
You have 2 choices as far as I know:

1. Bring the meals and put them in her fridge. Add a note that you do not
want a thank you note or need any reciprocation, this is responsibility
free.
2. Honor her word that she does not need anything.

Only you can tell which is the best for her.

"Nikki" wrote in message
...
Chotii wrote:

Basically, I want to help her, but she won't let me.

I wouldn't ask. I'd show up and talk for 20
minutes and leave a casserole or cookies. I'd call and say we are all
going
to xyz place and we want to take your kids with us, I'll pick them up in
15
minutes. If you want to drop off care packages you could certainly mail
some or drop them off anonymously.

A number of people have suggested I pick up her kids - and I wish to
goodness I could. But I have an Oddyssey with 4 carseats installed already.
There's no room for any more car seats. Or kids. And the only way I can get
out without my 4 kids is to leave them with hubby. Maybe I could do this on
a weekend. I can't do it on a weekday though.

--angela

A number of people have suggested I pick up her kids - and I wish to
goodness I could. But I have an Oddyssey with 4 carseats installed
already.
There's no room for any more car seats. Or kids. And the only way I can
get
out without my 4 kids is to leave them with hubby. Maybe I could do this
on
a weekend. I can't do it on a weekday though.

--angela


I wouldn't be able to just pick up someone's kids either. And I've had
friends offer to pick up mine before and all I could think about was the
pain of installing my car seats in their vehicles. Is there a place close
enough to walk to? A park or something?

Otherwise, I'd just leave food and maybe a new video or a game to occupy the
kids. Do they have Finding Nemo? You didn't say how old the kids are--but
from age 4 on, most kids would LOVE a new release movie sent with popcorn
and other goodies, maybe a cheap fleece throw for each of them to wrap up
in. And your friend could enjoy movie night with the kids, or she could get
something done without clinging little ones.

Food is good. Frozen food is always helpful--that way she can heat it up
when it suits (tape cooking instructions to container). One time, our church
was doing meals for a family when the father was dying, and I took over a
bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. They loved it (sometimes, junk food is
comfort food, and it was different from all the casseroles they'd been
getting).

Or going on a Saturday and doing whatever yard work might be needed (mowing,
raking, or shoveling snow when that happens); or hang Christmas lights for
her.

--
Jodi
SAHM to Oliver (2 years, 8 months) & Arwen (6 months)