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#21
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How do you decide?
"Shirley M...have a goodaa \\;-)" wrote:
Something that I have found is that they need to know they have strong points in different things. Whether they are in the same class or not believe me, they know. They hear each other read, do math or just question/answer things. It is sooo important to stress that even though they are twins, they are very different and have different talents. One may be better at math or reading, but the other might be better at drawing. My DS is a fantastic artist, it shows in everything that he does, he has a perceptive eye that can distinguish symmetry, lines, distance, etc. His sister doesn't have any of those skills and does talk about how Chris is better at drawing. Chris's art teacher is the same one Kathleen has and he works with all kids, but has said many times how talented Chris is, of course he doesn't say that Kathleen isn't but it's there just by the grades he gets. She is a wonderful Irish Dancer, passionate, dedicated and very artistic in her presentation. Something that even Chris says he of course could never achieve. I try to stress over and over, just as everyone has a burden to carry in life (loss of parents, disease or other things - in our house Chris has seizures and medicine and tests that he has to live with), each one of us also has a talent that grows and needs to be fed. They will be compared all of their lives, maybe not directly but they compare each other - especially as they get older, and you would be lying if you told both they were equal in everything. It's more truthful to let them know how they are talented and what they seem to excel in. BTW, Kathleen is a straight A student (Chris A/B). She retains some things quicker and school work comes easier to her than him. They see that too, one seems to have to study more than the other. Chris write better, I could go on and on. But it will start to grow and I think especially with multiples you have to be prepared to be honest but supportive. Shirley Chris and Kathleen 1/95 Each child's strong points should be noted and encouraged - as they need it. However, I would advise caution on any scale that starts them competing to excell at the same things (or stop excelling so as to not be different). I've unfortunately met some multiples who had learned either side of these abnormal attitudes. That is why I dislike seeing a statement of a teacher comparing two students who share a last name. In the school situation, it's more informative for the parents to know if the student(s) abilities are consistently improving over time compared to that child's starting point. (Comparison to an average for the age is useful for determining special needs or assistance - whether it be tutoring to bring up to the norm or additional activities to avoid boredom.) For something like reading skills, comparing siblings can lead to odd anomalies in evaluating their skills. I'm a faster reader than my sister and this sometimes made me seem like a better reader. However throughout school we were both considered advanced compared to our age-groups averages. The major difference was that I completed more questions on the tests - no significant differences in comprehension for the material we both completed. Cindy Wells (who excelled in the humanities and did reasonably well in math and science; both of my siblings were better with the math and science. However when we went off to our various college experiences, I chose to major in chemistry at a school with a good liberal arts program available for my electives (coursework outside of the major was required). My sister went to an engineering college where there were fewer humanities requirements. After those programs we both went on to do grad work in our respective majors.) |
#22
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How do you decide?
I agree about the teachers comparing the child but the kids do this all on
their own. They do see the other excel in an area that they might be struggling in or they are very aware of the other child coming home with A's or on the honor roll with the same curriculum - you don't have to split the twins not to have the same courses for the same grades. The teachers pretty much have a set plan daily witch in 3rd grade is the same for each. Granted their approach to teaching varies but the A's and B's come from the same stuff. It's very tough to curtail the comparison - again, not necessarily the spoken word but unspoken. In our situation the teachers don't (even in the same class), we certainly don't compare them but they compare each other. Shirley " That is why I dislike seeing a statement of a teacher comparing two students who share a last name. In the school situation, it's more informative for the parents to know if the student(s) abilities are consistently improving over time compared to that child's starting point. (Comparison to an average for the age is useful for determining special needs or assistance - whether it be tutoring to bring up to the norm or additional activities to avoid boredom.) For something like reading skills, comparing siblings can lead to odd anomalies in evaluating their skills. I'm a faster reader than my sister and this sometimes made me seem like a better reader. However throughout school we were both considered advanced compared to our age-groups averages. The major difference was that I completed more questions on the tests - no significant differences in comprehension for the material we both completed. Cindy Wells (who excelled in the humanities and did reasonably well in math and science; both of my siblings were better with the math and science. However when we went off to our various college experiences, I chose to major in chemistry at a school with a good liberal arts program available for my electives (coursework outside of the major was required). My sister went to an engineering college where there were fewer humanities requirements. After those programs we both went on to do grad work in our respective majors.) |
#23
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How do you decide?
First off It sounds like anyone who would compare children of any age group
to say "why aren't you more like" is just plain bad parenting IMHO. I don't care if they are minutes apart or years. Again, luckily we've never had teachers compare the two even in the same class. Maybe good teachers, I don't know, but neither kid cares in that sense. What they care about is just being behind the other one in some way and that is something you can't hide - unless you lie. Both my kids get a trip out of seeing how big/tall or how much they each weigh. Yes, they get annoyed when one is above the other but the doctor keeps telling Kathleen she doesn't want to be 6'3" which is what Chris (at this rate of growth and shoe size) should be. She seems to think this is ok. I think at 8.5 they can handle a lot more and adjust better than children of 5. At 5 these things were issues and took a lot of coddling to get them through the "bigger, heavier, stronger" issues including loosing teeth. One lost before the other - how do you control that or protect the other from the pain of being "behind." There really are some things that all ages just must come to terms with without being mean or nasty (which is what I think the "why aren't you" quote is). Shirley "Cindy Wells" wrote in message ... "Shirley M...have a goodaa \\;-)" wrote: I agree about the teachers comparing the child but the kids do this all on their own. They do see the other excel in an area that they might be struggling in or they are very aware of the other child coming home with A's or on the honor roll with the same curriculum - you don't have to split the twins not to have the same courses for the same grades. The teachers pretty much have a set plan daily witch in 3rd grade is the same for each. Granted their approach to teaching varies but the A's and B's come from the same stuff. It's very tough to curtail the comparison - again, not necessarily the spoken word but unspoken. In our situation the teachers don't (even in the same class), we certainly don't compare them but they compare each other. Shirley I'm aware of that. Most siblings will do that. (My dad is a year younger than his brother but they had several classes together in high school. Uncle John apparently was very annoyed by dad's better grades in the science class.) However, I've seen the misuse of the comparisons. Variously - expectations of equal achievements (to the point of making every assignment a competition), "why can't you be more like your sibling" applied to all activities/subjects, placing twins in the same class when not appropriate academically so that one fails or is bored (and then gets in trouble for daydreaming or whatever), and the like. For most families, these types of excessive comparisons don't become a factor but you do have to watch out that no one (the children, parents and their teachers) obsesses about the issues. Similarly, at the doctor's office a height and weight comparison between multiples is not important unless it indicates a health problem developing. In that case the comparison to the normal growth charts is still more useful (obesity or failure to thrive issues). Cindy Wells (In one case, expectations of equal achievement was met by both children aiming at C's and D's. (How do I know they expected equal grades? They teased my sister because she'd gotten second honors (A/Bs) and I'd gotten first honors. We shut them down fast with a "talk to us when you make any honor role".)) |
#24
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How do you decide?
"Shirley M...have a goodaa \\;-)" wrote:
First off It sounds like anyone who would compare children of any age group to say "why aren't you more like" is just plain bad parenting IMHO. I don't care if they are minutes apart or years. Again, luckily we've never had teachers compare the two even in the same class. Maybe good teachers, I don't know, but neither kid cares in that sense. What they care about is just being behind the other one in some way and that is something you can't hide - unless you lie. Both my kids get a trip out of seeing how big/tall or how much they each weigh. Yes, they get annoyed when one is above the other but the doctor keeps telling Kathleen she doesn't want to be 6'3" which is what Chris (at this rate of growth and shoe size) should be. She seems to think this is ok. I think at 8.5 they can handle a lot more and adjust better than children of 5. At 5 these things were issues and took a lot of coddling to get them through the "bigger, heavier, stronger" issues including loosing teeth. One lost before the other - how do you control that or protect the other from the pain of being "behind." There really are some things that all ages just must come to terms with without being mean or nasty (which is what I think the "why aren't you" quote is). Shirley You really can't but you do the coddle/comfort routine until they get old enough to understand. Your children seem rather good at settling in to that understanding. My parents similarly treated it calmly until we did too (mom remembers it starting as soon as one of us crawled); we outgrew it before kindergarten but hit teachers and other students making the dumb comparisons (and like all bullying, it needed special handling). It's just that I've seen the constant competing/comparing between siblings continued at the Jr. High, high school and college levels. (The college situation was one always competing while the other ignored the issue.) When the classmates started teasing because one was in school and the other is out sick, it is annoying. It's still the type of bullying that can result in poor coping skills such as the obsession with being the same; this happens more when combined with bad teachers. I will admit the schools in general are getting better at handling the response to all teasing. Cindy Wells (there are good and bad ways to handle comparisons; the majority of parents and teachers probably don't have a problem finding the good ways. I've just met enough of the exceptions to be very wary of the issue with school. Since the odds of the other classmates making comparisons and dumb comments are high, any comparison a teacher might say can end up being badly misinterpreted by the child already frustrated by other comments.) |
#25
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How do you decide?
"Shirley M...have a goodaa \\;-)" wrote:
I guess I'm very sensitive to it as my SIL is so incredibly jealous of my DH that it's ridiculous, considering that they are in their 50's and should get beyond it - but she still is suffering from "you were smarter and I wasn't." She has 2 Master's in totally different fields, holds a great job and is 'successful' (whatever that means). My DH did indeed get a graduate degree but had to change careers as his went defunct with the economy. I can't believe she still harbors that old "sibling rivalry" something my in-laws were very good at flaming to death - the "why aren't you like your brother routine". I do understand that it sometimes never goes away - as the above - we only talk when necessary and it always comes out. Anyhow, I am glad that my kids go with the flow. Shirley There's nothing like seeing the other mistakes to help you avoid those (and find new ones) in parenting. All you can do is stay alert and help your children resolve the issues in beneficial ways as they come up (or recur). Cindy Wells (My mom was luckier - a lot of the sibling issues generated by her mother's behavior ended up being things mom and her sister discussed and resolved at summer camp (they went to the same camp exactly once because of their age differences). Despite being in different areas of the camp, they got together at one point and talked things out. The discussion resulted in them both realizing their mother made mistakes that hurt their relationship so they needed to start over with each other.) |
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