Told my students I wasn't coming back next year-it didn't go well.

I told my special group students-my choir and band classes-
that I would not be coming back next year, and why (that I'm pregnant and
my doctors don't think I should work during the last half of pregnancy,
which will start about the time fall classes begin).
Basically, half of them are mad and upset-and don't
understand why I can't just do like every other teacher and
teach until right before the baby comes, then come back 6
weeks later-and the other half aren't really upset, but
don't want to do choir or band next year. In general, the
kids who were around two years ago when I was last pregnant
are in the latter group-those who have come in since are in
the first one. The two groups ended up yelling at each
other, with the latter group kids basically accusing the
former group of forcing me to quit by their bad behavior
and stressing me out. I tried to emphasize that this wasn't
their fault-that my doctors wouldn't have wanted me to work
any job at all-but they're still upset.

I'm really wondering what kind of keg of worms I've opened
for next year's teacher. These were the kids I most
expected to be able to understand and adjust-and to be the
core she or he would need in general music classes as well.

I'm dreading talking to my general classes next week (I had
arranged to spend some time in each classroom-it didn't
work to do it in my music classes because so many kids were
rehearsing for performances, which won't end until Tuesday).

I feel totally awful-and that I've completely messed things
up. The goal was to get the kids to love music and be
hooked on music-not to be attached to me! I'm also feeling horribly guilty
about abandoning them. Even though I'm trying to tell myself that it really
won't matter who their music teacher is next year-and keeping my stress
level and BP down could make a lot of difference for this baby.

On Fri, 14 May 2004 15:47:04 -0500, "Donna Metler"
wrote:
I feel totally awful-and that I've completely messed things
up. The goal was to get the kids to love music and be
hooked on music-not to be attached to me! I'm also feeling horribly guilty
about abandoning them. Even though I'm trying to tell myself that it really
won't matter who their music teacher is next year-and keeping my stress
level and BP down could make a lot of difference for this baby.

I'm sorry, that sounds miserable for you. Don't feel guilty though,
you and yours comes first (which you know already). You sound like
you've made a great impact on your students. I can't recall anyone I
went to school with ever caring enough about who their teachers were
to be disappointed.
Marie

I cared when my Music teacher left in 11th grade.. though he left because he
was arrested and now is in jail for MANY years... but that is not the point.
He was the 3rd teacher I had had since Jr high and every time a teacher left
the next teacher had a differant teaching style... I HATED the teacher they
hired the next year and dropped out of Chorus even though I had been in it
since 5th grade.

Tori

--
Bonnie 3/20/02
Anna or Xavier due 10/17/04
"Marie" wrote in message
...
On Fri, 14 May 2004 15:47:04 -0500, "Donna Metler"
wrote:
I feel totally awful-and that I've completely messed things
up. The goal was to get the kids to love music and be
hooked on music-not to be attached to me! I'm also feeling horribly
guilty
about abandoning them. Even though I'm trying to tell myself that it
really
won't matter who their music teacher is next year-and keeping my stress
level and BP down could make a lot of difference for this baby.

I'm sorry, that sounds miserable for you. Don't feel guilty though,
you and yours comes first (which you know already). You sound like
you've made a great impact on your students. I can't recall anyone I
went to school with ever caring enough about who their teachers were
to be disappointed.
Marie

"Tori M." wrote in message
...
I cared when my Music teacher left in 11th grade.. though he left because
he
was arrested and now is in jail for MANY years... but that is not the
point.
He was the 3rd teacher I had had since Jr high and every time a teacher
left
the next teacher had a differant teaching style... I HATED the teacher
they
hired the next year and dropped out of Chorus even though I had been in it
since 5th grade.

Tori

One of the things which does worry me is that I have been the only music
teacher for most of these kids their entire time in school-I've been there 5
years. I'm the only band teacher the school has ever had, because I'm the
one who wrote the grants and got the funds to start a band program. I was
hoping that by letting the kids know, it would smooth the way for the next
teacher-when I first got here, I replaced a teacher who had changed schools
after getting really frustrated with the school and kids-and had told the
students exactly why she was leaving-and the kids acted like I had killed
her and buried her in the parking lot. it took almost a year before they
started acting like I belonged there. This poor new teacher will only be
there a year (unless we decide that we can afford to have me stay home
full-time with the baby, in which case all bets are off).

--
Bonnie 3/20/02
Anna or Xavier due 10/17/04
"Marie" wrote in message
...
On Fri, 14 May 2004 15:47:04 -0500, "Donna Metler"
wrote:
I feel totally awful-and that I've completely messed things
up. The goal was to get the kids to love music and be
hooked on music-not to be attached to me! I'm also feeling horribly
guilty
about abandoning them. Even though I'm trying to tell myself that it
really
won't matter who their music teacher is next year-and keeping my stress
level and BP down could make a lot of difference for this baby.

I'm sorry, that sounds miserable for you. Don't feel guilty though,
you and yours comes first (which you know already). You sound like
you've made a great impact on your students. I can't recall anyone I
went to school with ever caring enough about who their teachers were
to be disappointed.
Marie

Donna,
I think you need to have another talk with them. They are understandably
shocked and surprised. Let them deal with that. Then, talk to them about
how your goal and job was to foster a lifelong love of music, and any
bonding and relationship with you was just gravy. Let them know how
disappointed you'll be if they don't continue some form of music in their
lives -- but if they quit class, it won't be hurting you, it will only be
hurting them. Remind them not to throw out the baby with the bathwater, or
burn down their house to kill a rat -- or one of those sayings. I found as
a teenager, that if I really thought about those types of cliché's, they
clicked, and you really understood why it was a cliché, but that it had a
real meaning behind it.

Anyway, this is a great life lesson for these kids. Help them through it.
This isn't a one conversation thing -- this might be an issue to process for
a few weeks.
--

Jamie & Taylor
Earth Angel, 1/3/03

Check out Taylor Marlys -- www.MyFamily.com, User ID: Clarkguest, Password:
Guest
Become a member for free - go to Add Member to set up your own User ID and
Password

Handmade Baby Blankets -- www.geocities.com/digit_the_cat/Blankets.html

It may be very hard, but try not to take it too personally.

Our band director left my junior year of h.s. We were all very upset about
it. He was a great director (a little unorthodox at times...but that's a
different post . Had graduated from there, had been director for nearly 20
years there, ect. Parents and students alike were exremely distressed. We
went from having about 120 kids in marching band to roughly half that size
for my senior year.

Our new director had quite a lot to live up to and while he tried his best,
it took a very long time to get used to the different style of teaching, him
as a person in general. It's natural to feel possessive towards the one who
has been with you and taught you, the younger students didn't have half as
much of an issue with the new guy as the older members did. We clashed on a
great many things.

It's good that you've given them a heads up that you are leaving and I agree
with another poster that you should make it part of an ongoing discussion,
not just a bomb that was dropped one day in class. Let them process their
inital feelings and then try to have another talk with them. Maybe offer to
make yourself available for individual talks if that is possible.

Anyway, HTH and good luck.

Maria
Kelly 2/19/00
Kyle 7/9/01

"Donna Metler" wrote in message
...
I told my special group students-my choir and band classes-
that I would not be coming back next year, and why (that I'm pregnant
and
my doctors don't think I should work during the last half of pregnancy,
which will start about the time fall classes begin).
Basically, half of them are mad and upset-and don't
understand why I can't just do like every other teacher and
teach until right before the baby comes, then come back 6
weeks later-and the other half aren't really upset, but
don't want to do choir or band next year. In general, the
kids who were around two years ago when I was last pregnant
are in the latter group-those who have come in since are in
the first one. The two groups ended up yelling at each
other, with the latter group kids basically accusing the
former group of forcing me to quit by their bad behavior
and stressing me out. I tried to emphasize that this wasn't
their fault-that my doctors wouldn't have wanted me to work
any job at all-but they're still upset.

I'm really wondering what kind of keg of worms I've opened
for next year's teacher. These were the kids I most
expected to be able to understand and adjust-and to be the
core she or he would need in general music classes as well.

I'm dreading talking to my general classes next week (I had
arranged to spend some time in each classroom-it didn't
work to do it in my music classes because so many kids were
rehearsing for performances, which won't end until Tuesday).

I feel totally awful-and that I've completely messed things
up. The goal was to get the kids to love music and be
hooked on music-not to be attached to me! I'm also feeling horribly
guilty
about abandoning them. Even though I'm trying to tell myself that it
really
won't matter who their music teacher is next year-and keeping my stress
level and BP down could make a lot of difference for this baby.

"Donna Metler" wrote in message
.. .
One of the things which does worry me is that I have
been the only music teacher for most of these kids their
entire time in school-I've been there 5 years. I'm the
only band teacher the school has ever had, because I'm
the one who wrote the grants and got the funds to start
a band program. I was hoping that by letting the kids
know, it would smooth the way for the next teacher-
when I first got here, I replaced a teacher who had
changed schools after getting really frustrated with the
school and kids-and had told the students exactly why
she was leaving-and the kids acted like I had killed her
and buried her in the parking lot. it took almost a year
before they started acting like I belonged there. This
poor new teacher will only be there a year (unless we
decide that we can afford to have me stay home
full-time with the baby, in which case all bets are off).

This must be so hard for you. IIRC, you are teaching in a
socio-economically disadvantaged area? I'm guessing many of the kids
might not have great family lives and so, may have a hard time trusting
adults. That could explain why they were slow to warm up to you, and
why they are feeling so angry and betrayed that you are leaving. But,
while I can guess at why they feel that way, what's important is that
you remember you are *not* betraying them in any way. They will pick up
on any feelings of guilt you have and that will just prevent them from
dealing with it effectively. If *you* don't believe it's OK for you to
not come back next year, and project that belief with confidence, they
certainly won't ever believe it's OK. I think it's a very important
life lesson for them to see an example of someone *valuing herself*, and
that is what you can do for them right now. I think that learning
self-worth and to have enough self-respect to do what is best for them,
is something sorely lacking in many disadvantaged children's
upbringing - because their parents never got to learn it either. I
think it will help them to be able to talk about it with you, as long as
you don't put yourself in the position of trying to justify it to them.
Avoid ever making it sound like you are seeking their approval for your
decision, e.g., ending an explanation with "OK?" Talk about *their*
feelings with them, but do not discuss yourself much or offer reason
after reason why you need to have next year off. Good luck with this,
and for the rest of your pregnancy to be healthy and low-stress.
--
Cheryl S.
Mom to Julie, 3, and Jaden, 8 months

"Cheryl S." wrote in message
...
"Donna Metler" wrote in message
.. .
One of the things which does worry me is that I have
been the only music teacher for most of these kids their
entire time in school-I've been there 5 years. I'm the
only band teacher the school has ever had, because I'm
the one who wrote the grants and got the funds to start
a band program. I was hoping that by letting the kids
know, it would smooth the way for the next teacher-
when I first got here, I replaced a teacher who had
changed schools after getting really frustrated with the
school and kids-and had told the students exactly why
she was leaving-and the kids acted like I had killed her
and buried her in the parking lot. it took almost a year
before they started acting like I belonged there. This
poor new teacher will only be there a year (unless we
decide that we can afford to have me stay home
full-time with the baby, in which case all bets are off).

This must be so hard for you. IIRC, you are teaching in a
socio-economically disadvantaged area? I'm guessing many of the kids
might not have great family lives and so, may have a hard time trusting
adults. That could explain why they were slow to warm up to you, and
why they are feeling so angry and betrayed that you are leaving. But,
while I can guess at why they feel that way, what's important is that
you remember you are *not* betraying them in any way. They will pick up
on any feelings of guilt you have and that will just prevent them from
dealing with it effectively. If *you* don't believe it's OK for you to
not come back next year, and project that belief with confidence, they
certainly won't ever believe it's OK. I think it's a very important
life lesson for them to see an example of someone *valuing herself*, and
that is what you can do for them right now. I think that learning
self-worth and to have enough self-respect to do what is best for them,
is something sorely lacking in many disadvantaged children's
upbringing - because their parents never got to learn it either. I
think it will help them to be able to talk about it with you, as long as
you don't put yourself in the position of trying to justify it to them.
Avoid ever making it sound like you are seeking their approval for your
decision, e.g., ending an explanation with "OK?" Talk about *their*
feelings with them, but do not discuss yourself much or offer reason
after reason why you need to have next year off. Good luck with this,
and for the rest of your pregnancy to be healthy and low-stress.
It is an extremely economically depressed area-which may be one reason why
the children have so much trouble accepting it. Mothers in this area either
have never worked (but don't talk about staying home with the children) or
work right up until delivery, and as soon afterwards as the doctor allows
them to do it. I was also shocked at the number of mothers who told me after
my first pregnancy that they'd has several losses-it almost seems expected
that you might have 6 pregnancies and 3 children, for example.

And I think you hit the nail on the head. While I know mentally this is the
right thing to do for the baby, and I don't believe I'll have any trouble
staying home the months AFTER December, right now I feel really good. My BP
is staying right about what it was pre-pregnancy, morning sickness isn't
bad, and while I have enough symptoms to know that I'm pregnant, the only
really annoying one at school is the frequent bathroom visits part. And in
some ways, stopping and changing everything seems to be expecting
complications in this pregnancy, which seems like a very bad thing to do.
When I came back to work after my last maternity leave, it was really the
kids who I feel got me back on track emotionally-I couldn't mull over the
baby, because they needed me so much. So this is hard for me.

One thing which did help is that its very obvious that every ADULT I know
feels this is absolutely the right thing to do-including those who have had
completely uncomplicated pregnancies and taught right up to going into labor
(I have a friend who literally taught all 9 months of her pregnancy, going
into the first stages of labor during graduation and having her husband
drive her to the hospital at the end of the ceremony!)-most say they wish
they'd left early, because it gets so hard to do a good job in the last few
months, and that 6 weeks is too early to come back to other people's
children (one nice thing about this is that I won't have to make a decision
about coming back until next Summer, so I'll have 5-6 months with the baby
first)


--
Cheryl S.
Mom to Julie, 3, and Jaden, 8 months