What was my mistake?

Our 12 yo daughter is a great girl. She trusts us, doesn't lie, is a
very good student, a sweetheart...and a bit sidetracked too. She's s
never done anything that hurt us, but she loves having fun and
sometimes acts without tinking, putting herself at risk. We got to know
a few times she went on a motorbike ride, on the back seat, with some
kids we'd like her to stay away from. We talked with her, told her
about how dangerous this thing is and she promised she wouldn't do that
again.
But last week she met those kids, they insisted, our DD ended up giving
in to peer pressure and unfortunately there was a small accident. She
tought she hadn't been hurt and the only consequence was having her
jeans torn. She got home by 4 pm, my wife and I was at work, she took a
shower, changed her clothes and apparently everything was OK. We didn't
notice she'd had an accident. But the next day her right leg started
hurting bad, and for the whole morning and afternoon she managed to
bear with that pain and hide the truth from us. By 6 pm she finally
told us what had happened and we took her to a Dr. She had some
internal injuries and if she had kept procrastinating there'd be bad
consequences.
When we got back home she cried a lot, apologized, said she had hidden
the truth from us for almost a day because she was feeling bad with
herself and ashamed of what she had done. She said she would end up
telling us the truth even if nothing had happened.
I belive, I was a teen too and can understand such things. We forgave
her and said we regretted she had learned her lesson the hard way. But
then I was wondering, my God, are we so bad parents that our daughter
had rather bearing with an intense pain than asking for our help? I
felt like a monster. Am I a so scary dad to my DD? We've always treated
our kids with love, we've always been understanding, they've never been
spanked, have never got a harsh punishment. We told her if she hadn't
had that accident then, yes, she'd be grounded for some days, but her
grounding, of course, would be infinitely better than what she went
through. I did something wrong but can't realize why.
SCA

Sounds like a perfectly normal girl who let peer-pressure get the better of
her.

Jeff

PS, You may want to talk to her about peer-pressure.

In message .com, SCA
writes

[...]
When we got back home she cried a lot, apologized, said she had hidden
the truth from us for almost a day because she was feeling bad with
herself and ashamed of what she had done. She said she would end up
telling us the truth even if nothing had happened.
[...]
But
then I was wondering, my God, are we so bad parents that our daughter
had rather bearing with an intense pain than asking for our help? I
felt like a monster. Am I a so scary dad to my DD? We've always treated
our kids with love, we've always been understanding, they've never been
spanked, have never got a harsh punishment. We told her if she hadn't
had that accident then, yes, she'd be grounded for some days, but her
grounding, of course, would be infinitely better than what she went
through. I did something wrong but can't realize why.

It sounds to me as if the reason she hid what had happened is not
because she was afraid of any punishment you'd inflict, but because she
was afraid of disappointing you and of you thinking less of her. If so,
then I don't think that's a sign of you doing anything wrong - quite the
contrary. It shows your opinion is very important to her, which strikes
me as just the way it should be.


All the best,

Sarah

--
"I once requested an urgent admission for a homeopath who had become depressed
and taken a massive underdose" - Phil Peverley

I don't think you made any mistakes, although I think now would be a good
time to make sure that she understands that you are older and wiser, and
not out to get her, only to protect her. She needs to understand that you
are there when she screws up, that you are there not to give her trouble and
ground her everytime she makes a mistake. You have to let her learn from her
mistakes. You will not always be pleased with her actions, but finding out
later that she did something that you disapprove of is going to make you
upset, because she didn't own up to the mistake she made.
Overall it sounds like she's a pretty good kid, who is 12 and wanting to
experiment, your job is to tell her the things her "friends" don't. She has
to make up her own mind about what is right and wrong.... whatever actions
she chooses have consequenses, she just has to make sure she knows what the
consequences are.... disappointing you, ending up hurt, or misising out on a
potentially good time,

Karen


"SCA" wrote in message
oups.com...
Our 12 yo daughter is a great girl. She trusts us, doesn't lie, is a
very good student, a sweetheart...and a bit sidetracked too. She's s
never done anything that hurt us, but she loves having fun and
sometimes acts without tinking, putting herself at risk. We got to know
a few times she went on a motorbike ride, on the back seat, with some
kids we'd like her to stay away from. We talked with her, told her
about how dangerous this thing is and she promised she wouldn't do that
again.
But last week she met those kids, they insisted, our DD ended up giving
in to peer pressure and unfortunately there was a small accident. She
tought she hadn't been hurt and the only consequence was having her
jeans torn. She got home by 4 pm, my wife and I was at work, she took a
shower, changed her clothes and apparently everything was OK. We didn't
notice she'd had an accident. But the next day her right leg started
hurting bad, and for the whole morning and afternoon she managed to
bear with that pain and hide the truth from us. By 6 pm she finally
told us what had happened and we took her to a Dr. She had some
internal injuries and if she had kept procrastinating there'd be bad
consequences.
When we got back home she cried a lot, apologized, said she had hidden
the truth from us for almost a day because she was feeling bad with
herself and ashamed of what she had done. She said she would end up
telling us the truth even if nothing had happened.
I belive, I was a teen too and can understand such things. We forgave
her and said we regretted she had learned her lesson the hard way. But
then I was wondering, my God, are we so bad parents that our daughter
had rather bearing with an intense pain than asking for our help? I
felt like a monster. Am I a so scary dad to my DD? We've always treated
our kids with love, we've always been understanding, they've never been
spanked, have never got a harsh punishment. We told her if she hadn't
had that accident then, yes, she'd be grounded for some days, but her
grounding, of course, would be infinitely better than what she went
through. I did something wrong but can't realize why.
SCA

SCA wrote:

I belive, I was a teen too and can understand such things. We forgave
her and said we regretted she had learned her lesson the hard way. But
then I was wondering, my God, are we so bad parents that our daughter
had rather bearing with an intense pain than asking for our help? I
felt like a monster. Am I a so scary dad to my DD? We've always treated
our kids with love, we've always been understanding, they've never been
spanked, have never got a harsh punishment. We told her if she hadn't
had that accident then, yes, she'd be grounded for some days, but her
grounding, of course, would be infinitely better than what she went
through. I did something wrong but can't realize why.
SCA

You are not the first parents who have had a child do this. I have a friend
who completely lost the sight in one eye because she didn't tell her
parents about the accident she had with an air gun when at a friend's
house where she wasn't supposed to be.

--
Penny Gaines
UK mum to three

Thank you all for your comments.
Yes, she was afraid she would disappoint us. But now shes sure we=B4ll
always be there for her, even when she messes up, and our love is
unconditional. And, again, we reassured her that any punishment from us
is out of love and much better than the consequences life may inflict
on her.
She learned a lesson, unfortunately, the hard way. It'll take time for
her leg to be completely OK and she'll miss some of the fun she would
have in her summer vacation. She didn't deserve that, life was very
harsh on her.
I'm still abit upset, couldn't underdstand why she was so afraid we'd
get disappointed with her. If there'd be no accident and she told us
the what she did, she'd probabbly be grounded for some days, but with
love. We'd understand peer pressure, we'd never say hurtful things to
her like "You disappointed us so much, we don't trust you any more".
We'd say something like "We understand, we know you're a good girl,
we're not hurt, but, hon, you need a lesson for your best and will get
grounded for some days just to think about what you did".
But this is past, what we have to do know is take care of her leg and
make sure our lovely girl will follow rigorously the doctor orders,
which includes getting grounded for about 10 days, because she can't
force her leg
SCA.

MY God, this is really sad. Really sorry for the children and her
parents.
This shows it's extremely important that our children trust us.
SCA