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"Karen O'Mara" wrote in message om... "PBSL" wrote in message ... That's very difficult for me , I have a problem opening up. it's been suggested many times, and I don't seem to get far and it's not from lack of effort either. (sorry to barge in here). Don't be, I'm glad you did. ... I think counseling is really finding the right connection. aint that the truth.I'ts good to hear that I'm not the only one My daughter is very ANTI counseling because I think I've shoved so much of it her direction throughout her early life and now she refuses it outright... but now is talking to a dietician/nutritionist at Kaiser about facts and feelings. (My daughter is battling borderline anorexia). This person is not called a "counselor" which is turn-off for my daughter, yet it seems she's really found a good connection. Sorry to ramble off on a linear tangent, but I thought the example would be a good one. I'm glad to hear that the healing process is unhindered for now. Good luck in the future From your posts, I think you could open up to someone. Finding the right counselor may take a few attempts. Karen It's easier for me to "open up" in this semi-anonymous arena we call usenet. But face to face is entirely another matter. I seem to be getting a lot of indirect help and support online and I'll continue to "take" as much as I can get. Thanks Karen |
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"Cele" wrote in message ... On 1 Dec 2004 14:39:19 -0800, (Karen O'Mara) wrote: "PBSL" wrote in message ... That's very difficult for me , I have a problem opening up. it's been suggested many times, and I don't seem to get far and it's not from lack of effort either. (sorry to barge in here)... I think counseling is really finding the right connection. My daughter is very ANTI counseling because I think I've shoved so much of it her direction throughout her early life and now she refuses it outright... but now is talking to a dietician/nutritionist at Kaiser about facts and feelings. (My daughter is battling borderline anorexia). This person is not called a "counselor" which is turn-off for my daughter, yet it seems she's really found a good connection. Sorry to ramble off on a linear tangent, but I thought the example would be a good one. From your posts, I think you could open up to someone. Finding the right counselor may take a few attempts. Karen Hi there, Karen & PBSL. I've been swamped at work & haven't had much to say, but I have to agree with a couple of things here. Hi cele. First, my daughter is also dealing with major fallout from past damage done, and has no interest in counselling, despite plenty of professional opinions that she should get some. Time, it will take time. one of the truest sayings I've heard is "time heals all" sometimes its all one needs immho. I counting on it myself. I decided early that it was just not going to be helpful to insist on counselling in which she had no interest or commitment, so I didn't. I did occasionally remind her of the option. Like your daughter, she has now decided, after being mugged last month, I'm Sorry to hear that I hope she was OK. that she's ready to talk to someone, but specifically about personal safety techniques. The woman I have hired, from an organisation called SafeTeen, turns out to be the person my daughter has chosen to talk to. I couldn't be more delighted. With respect to PBSL, I would encourage you not so much to "get counselling", but to think through what you need to sort through. What kinds of issues are you facing? What kinds of problems do you need to solve? What patterns are repeating in your life, that you want to change? Once you get a sense of some of this kind of thing, then, if you feel ready to take a shot at it, you can go to a counsellor with a clearer idea in mind of what you want out of it. That might feel less like you have to bare your soul, and more like you can just get some trained, intelligent help to brainstorm strategies and patterns with an eye to finding a more effective way to manage whatever needs managing. That's good advice, thanks. I really need to take time out and just put thoings into perspective. I might try and get a weekend to myself. Although as you know, that's not very easy. Then, shop around. Counsellors vary widely in skill, style and orientation. Talk to a few until you find one you feel might be helpful. I know councillers are proffesionaly trained in thier respective fields but at the moment I feel just a friend to talk to would have as much theraputic value to me than a dozen councillers Unfortunatly for me is that ever person that contacts me these days is after something and not just calling for friendships sake. As for the whole co-parenting and multi-residence thing, I can offer this little bit of information from my over 12 years of single parenting with an ex husband who has remained very much involved and engaged in his daughters' lives: do whatever you humanly can to keep your relationship with your ex separate from your child's relationship with your ex. Keep your discussions of parenting, finances, custody, visitation, living arrangements, etc. between the adults until your child is old enough to be making decisions on these matters. Try very, very hard to not only not trash your ex, That's so true. It can be hard at times , but I know the child needs to hear it. I really make a point of saying at least once a week that "mummy loves you very much and she would be here if she could" but if you can sincerely think of any positive things to say, say them now and again. Don't lie and don't exaggerate, but look for good. yes, yes! I'm happy to be reading this. It's just reenforcing what I believe. As I have little contact with people here to test these ideas. It's really, really helpful because this enables your child to feel safe and unjudged for loving both of you, it teaches the child that you can disagree and still get along, exactly! Life's not black and white. You dont just either like someone or hate them. it shows them that they can feel differently from you without censure, and it lets them know that your love for them is a separate and special thing from the love between them and the other parent. Best of all, even if your ex trashes you, later on, they are smart enough to know that you have consistently taken the high road. This is great! You must be a very down to earth person. There's a LOT of payoff then, yes, an unexpected/unintended bonus. So true Kids ARE smart! Alas a lot of parents just dont give thier kids credit in the awareness & common sense dept during the teen years, when they realize that regardless of the other parent's behaviour, you have remained positive and supportive. Teens *really* respect that. And if they are so lucky as to have had TWO parents who have taken the high road, the trust and respect quotient going into adolesence is a whole lot higher than it might be. You need all of that you can get around about then. Kids can handle that their parents not agreeing. They can handle their parents' divorce. They can handle moving and they can handle quite a bit more, but what they *really need* is to know that the parents will remain sane and sensible, and that even if one 'goes off', the other one can be trusted. That, really, is the same in married parenting. Anyway, I'm probably rambling all over the map. I'm so bloody busy at work I can hardly see straight. Good luck! No, your making lots of sense, thanks and I can relate to the "busy at work" thing, I'm the same here, and its more than welcome too , not only does it mean more income , but I have less time to dwell. Cele Thank You Cele pbs |
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On Sat, 04 Dec 2004 13:43:15 GMT, "PBSL"
wrote: "Cele" wrote in message Hi cele. Hi, pbs! :-) Nice to meet you. First, my daughter is also dealing with major fallout from past damage done, and has no interest in counselling, despite plenty of professional opinions that she should get some. Time, it will take time. one of the truest sayings I've heard is "time heals all" sometimes its all one needs immho. I counting on it myself. Yep, time and love in good measure work wonders. My daughter is doing remarkably well given what she's been through, and the little bit of time that has passed. I decided early that it was just not going to be helpful to insist on counselling in which she had no interest or commitment, so I didn't. I did occasionally remind her of the option. Like your daughter, she has now decided, after being mugged last month, I'm Sorry to hear that I hope she was OK. She was fine. Scared her, but it's so trivial in comparison to other experiences that she actually came through it rather well. It was a catalyst, as I said, that got her ready to address the next stage of her healing process, which is a good thing. Silver linings and all that. :-) that she's ready to talk to someone, but specifically about personal safety techniques. The woman I have hired, from an organisation called SafeTeen, turns out to be the person my daughter has chosen to talk to. I couldn't be more delighted. With respect to PBSL, I would encourage you not so much to "get counselling", but to think through what you need to sort through. What kinds of issues are you facing? What kinds of problems do you need to solve? What patterns are repeating in your life, that you want to change? Once you get a sense of some of this kind of thing, then, if you feel ready to take a shot at it, you can go to a counsellor with a clearer idea in mind of what you want out of it. That might feel less like you have to bare your soul, and more like you can just get some trained, intelligent help to brainstorm strategies and patterns with an eye to finding a more effective way to manage whatever needs managing. That's good advice, thanks. I really need to take time out and just put thoings into perspective. I might try and get a weekend to myself. Although as you know, that's not very easy. I do know, and I can remember fantasizing about getting on a plane to anywhere and disappearing, just to escape. Never *did* it, of course, but boy, that feeling of desperation I remember very well. I remember thinking that you *know* you're in rough shape when the idea of a week or two in hospital is even appealing, so you could just rest..... Then, shop around. Counsellors vary widely in skill, style and orientation. Talk to a few until you find one you feel might be helpful. I know councillers are proffesionaly trained in thier respective fields but at the moment I feel just a friend to talk to would have as much theraputic value to me than a dozen councillers Unfortunatly for me is that ever person that contacts me these days is after something and not just calling for friendships sake. Have you considered finding a support group for single parents? You have to be a bit cautious, in that many are just dating mills, but some are really great in that the focus is on parenting and the challenges attached thereto, rather than on matchmaking. Another thought would be some kind of men's group? Or maybe some kind of interest based group - hobby, or political interest, or whatever. I know, I know, joining something when you've got kids and no money isn't easy.....but if you could think of one good place to meet people... I'm Unitarian so I've been fortunate in that going to church has worked for me, in terms of meeting people socially who mostly haven't got anything to ask me for. Church has the advantage of being very child friendly, as well. But if you're not up for that, maybe putting kids into soccer or something would give you a place to meet people? Or getting on the kids' school committee, maybe? What helps is to meet new people who know you as a single parent, rather than the people who are still processing you as an individual separate from the couple you were. As for the whole co-parenting and multi-residence thing, I can offer this little bit of information from my over 12 years of single parenting with an ex husband who has remained very much involved and engaged in his daughters' lives: do whatever you humanly can to keep your relationship with your ex separate from your child's relationship with your ex. Keep your discussions of parenting, finances, custody, visitation, living arrangements, etc. between the adults until your child is old enough to be making decisions on these matters. Try very, very hard to not only not trash your ex, That's so true. It can be hard at times , but I know the child needs to hear it. I really make a point of saying at least once a week that "mummy loves you very much and she would be here if she could" It's harder earlier on. It gets easier, especially if the other parent behaves responsibly, because once you're all into a routine in the shape of your new lives, there's not as much to conflict over. But I had a very supportive and cooperative ex, WRT parenting the kids, so I was lucky. but if you can sincerely think of any positive things to say, say them now and again. Don't lie and don't exaggerate, but look for good. yes, yes! I'm happy to be reading this. It's just reenforcing what I believe. As I have little contact with people here to test these ideas. Hey, you'll find no shortage of opinions in *this* group, so feel free to test away. You need a teflon coating at times, but it's certainly a place you can expect feedback. :-) It's really, really helpful because this enables your child to feel safe and unjudged for loving both of you, it teaches the child that you can disagree and still get along, exactly! Life's not black and white. You dont just either like someone or hate them. That's right. And that's a critically important skill for everyone to learn. Some learn it sooner than others, and a few sorry few never learn it, but I reckon they're the ones who have the hardest time, in the end. it shows them that they can feel differently from you without censure, and it lets them know that your love for them is a separate and special thing from the love between them and the other parent. Best of all, even if your ex trashes you, later on, they are smart enough to know that you have consistently taken the high road. This is great! You must be a very down to earth person. Sometimes. :-) Some days. ;-) There's a LOT of payoff then, yes, an unexpected/unintended bonus. So true Kids ARE smart! Alas a lot of parents just dont give thier kids credit in the awareness & common sense dept That's true. I have the advantage of having been from a divorced family myself, and when my own parents divorced, it was just a few years before it became common. So I remember being told I was from a 'broken home' and feeling very inadequate. That's changed, thankfully, to a degree, although certainly there's still prejudice that has it that single parents are by definition less competent. But the advantage I had is that I know what it's like to have been a kid in a far less healthy divorce than my own, so that helped me to know what *not* to do. during the teen years, when they realize that regardless of the other parent's behaviour, you have remained positive and supportive. Teens *really* respect that. And if they are so lucky as to have had TWO parents who have taken the high road, the trust and respect quotient going into adolesence is a whole lot higher than it might be. You need all of that you can get around about then. Kids can handle that their parents not agreeing. They can handle their parents' divorce. They can handle moving and they can handle quite a bit more, but what they *really need* is to know that the parents will remain sane and sensible, and that even if one 'goes off', the other one can be trusted. That, really, is the same in married parenting. Anyway, I'm probably rambling all over the map. I'm so bloody busy at work I can hardly see straight. Good luck! No, your making lots of sense, thanks and I can relate to the "busy at work" thing, I'm the same here, and its more than welcome too , not only does it mean more income , but I have less time to dwell. I'm a special ed teacher, so for me, unfortunately, it doesn't mean more income, it just means more work. But the good side of it all is that I'm only two weeks from Christmas break, which is two weeks long here. And I'm going to New York for a holiday!!!! I can't afford it. But I"m going anyway. :-) Cele Thank You Cele You're most welcome. Welcome to the group. Cele |
#15
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On Sat, 04 Dec 2004 19:05:10 GMT, 'Kate
wrote: On Sat, 04 Dec 2004 13:20:45 GMT, "PBSL" wrote: "'Kate" wrote in message . .. On Wed, 01 Dec 2004 17:17:55 GMT, "PBSL" wrote: Thanks Kate pbs You're very welcome. I have only had sporadic bursts of free time this semester to post but I'm glad I could help. You seem like a reasponsible parent... hang around for a bit. It's a good group. 'Kate Thanks, Kate, I was planning on lurking here for a while. I feel a lot better if I'm close to other single parents, and this is one way for me as I don't get out much here. Do you mind if I ask, do you work as well as study? No... I'm fortunate to have a survivable income for another 1.5 years. I'm fairly sure I can finish my Master's in 2 years (by Spring 06) rather than 3. I thought being a working single parent was hard enough . It is! It absolutely is. But others (a number of them post here) do all three jobs (child/ren, home, work). I'm not sure how but I am sure that if you want to know, others will tell you how they manage. We all have slightly different circumstances WRT health, age, support system, number of children, income, local availability and cost of higher ed, cost of living, standard wages and benefits, and etc... When I did my masters, I was also working three days a week, and the girls were then, lessee....12 & 14. We were the only members of the family in the country, which was Australia. That sounds like a recipe for disaster, but looking back, even though my youngest had a very stressful 2 1/2 week hospitalisation there, it was one of the best times of my parenting life. So you just never know. Part of the reason it was such a good time, too, was that I had enough money for probably the only time in my single parenthood. It was so nice.....too bad I don't any more....:-) Ah well. But in the end, I think it comes down to cost/benefit/desire. Doing it is one thing... staying the course through a number of years and over a number of hurdles takes devotion. So true. One of the very hardest things for me, has been not having anyone who loved them as much as I do to help with the day to day stresses and hassles. Their Dad, of course, loves them as much as I do, but for various reasons we weren't in the same town much of the time. Still, I'm almost there. D's moved out and stopped by today with her partner to tell me she'd gotten interested in cooking & to borrow some recipes. She's off to university in the spring. T's in her final year of school and halfway out the door, in that she's got a job and a life of her own now. It's hard to believe how fast it all happened, slow and brutal as it often seemed at the time. Take care. Cele |
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