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#41
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Two under two!!
"Jamie Clark" ) writes:
Oh yeah! I forgot, but one of the things that I did with my girls when Addie was newborn was that if I was dealing with Taylor, putting her shoes on, for example, and Addie began to cry, I wouldn't stop what I was doing with Taylor to jump over to Addie. Instead, I'd call out, "Addie, I'll be right there, honey. I'm just putting shoes on Taylor. As soon as I'm done, it's your turn." Now of course my 2 week old baby didn't understand that, but my 2 year old did, she understood that it was her turn, and then it would be the baby's turn. That's excellent. And I wouldn't be so sure the newborn didn't understand. She might not understand the words, but she might well understand that she's the one being talked to and get the general idea, especially after the same scene has played out more than onece. |
#42
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Two under two!!
Ericka asked why I didn't just talk my DH into a homebirth We talked about it a lot when I was pregnant with DD, and he was so seriously, seriously uncomfortable with it, that I don't think anything would change his mind. DD's birth was hard for him (seeing me in pain, not being able to help, worrying that something would go wrong...), and I don't think it's very loving of me to make this baby's birth even harder on him by putting him into a situation where I know he'll be terribly uncomfortable. Laying in supplies for a homebirth is a precaution that I want to take to protect my bed and my floors, just in case. But chances are, we'll make it to the hospital. We could be there in 20 minutes, even if I had to call him at work and say, "It's time," during rush hour. DD may end up in the delivery room with us, but that's not the worst thing that could happen. I watched my brother being born when I was 3, and I turned out ok. Amy |
#43
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Two under two!!
Amy Austin wrote:
Ericka asked why I didn't just talk my DH into a homebirth I didn't say talk him into it. I said put him face to face with a midwife so that he can see whether or not his fears are based in reality or in his imagination. Yes, you should take his concerns seriously, but in my experience, many men who have serious reservations find that they evaporate when they sit down and have a serious discussion with a real, live midwife who actually has sound, reasoned, researched answers for his questions and concerns. We talked about it a lot when I was pregnant with DD, and he was so seriously, seriously uncomfortable with it, that I don't think anything would change his mind. DD's birth was hard for him (seeing me in pain, not being able to help, worrying that something would go wrong...), and I don't think it's very loving of me to make this baby's birth even harder on him by putting him into a situation where I know he'll be terribly uncomfortable. I honestly don't think either of you know for sure that he'll be terribly uncomfortable unless he does a little legwork himself. I would not suggest that you push it if he discusses things with a midwife or two and still walks away feeling uncomfortable. I just think that if it is something *YOU* would like to explore, and/or if it is something that seems to have some significant benefits in your situation given the previous precipitate labor, it would be appropriate for him to be willing to seriously consider the option. I have seen too many men who were dead set against it change their minds once they sat down and had an informed discussion with a midwife or two to feel like someone has adequately considered the option if they haven't taken that step. If you were against it, you might also be converted by a discussion, but at least the two of you would be on the same page, so I don't see the need to explore all the options. I mean, I could make an intellectual argument for why it might be in your best interests to do so, but I figure it's your (pl.) life and you get to decide things how you want. It's only when the two of you might have differing inclinations that I think there's some obligation to consider on his part, just as I would say that if he were hellbent on a homebirth and you weren't too keen on it *you* ought to seriously entertain the issue while reserving the right to remain against it once you'd done due diligence. If you think it's something that might hold some appeal for you, then since you're the one actually giving birth, I don't really think it ought to be too much skin off his nose to seriously entertain the issue. Best wishes, Ericka |
#44
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Two under two!!
Ericka Kammerer wrote: Amy Austin wrote: Ericka asked why I didn't just talk my DH into a homebirth I didn't say talk him into it. Well, I was summarizing. I didn't want to get in trouble for not trimming, etc. like other folks did in this thread. I said put him face to face with a midwife so that he can see whether or not his fears are based in reality or in his imagination. My mom had my brother and my sister at home, a dear friend of ours is planning a homebirth in September, and that friend's mom is a midwife, and we've spent a lot of time with her. While we haven't "interviewed" midwives ourselves, he is familiar with the reasons to have a homebirth, and the arguments both for and against. And even though he respects my mom, our friend, and our friend's mom, he thinks they're crazy for taking that kind of risk (and he still sees it as a risk) with an event as unpredictable as birth. It's not as though he's never met a midwife or someone who has had a homebirth, and so he thinks they're all hippies or something... We spent a lot of time fighting during my last pregnancy. I've gotten him to agree that we need to be prepared for an emergency home birth "just in case," which is as far as he's going to go. I don't want to spend this pregnancy fighting over it. Honestly, it's just not important enough to me. I had a positive experience in the hospital last time, he's agreed that if all goes well, it makes sense to come home early (especially if I end up with a roommate again). We're compromising. I don't know about you, but I would much rather be the one giving birth than have to watch him endure it. I think it's important for me to be respectful of his concerns, and what will alleviate them (being in the hospital), considering the fact that my giving birth is difficult for him, too. Amy |
#45
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Two under two!!
Amy Austin wrote:
My mom had my brother and my sister at home, a dear friend of ours is planning a homebirth in September, and that friend's mom is a midwife, and we've spent a lot of time with her. While we haven't "interviewed" midwives ourselves, he is familiar with the reasons to have a homebirth, and the arguments both for and against. And even though he respects my mom, our friend, and our friend's mom, he thinks they're crazy for taking that kind of risk (and he still sees it as a risk) with an event as unpredictable as birth. It's not as though he's never met a midwife or someone who has had a homebirth, and so he thinks they're all hippies or something... But the question is whether he has *personally* put his specific concerns to a specific midwife and listened to her responses. What are the risks he is concerned about? What would she do if that situation came up? How often do they come up? What are the results when they come up? We spent a lot of time fighting during my last pregnancy. I've gotten him to agree that we need to be prepared for an emergency home birth "just in case," which is as far as he's going to go. I don't want to spend this pregnancy fighting over it. Honestly, it's just not important enough to me. I had a positive experience in the hospital last time, he's agreed that if all goes well, it makes sense to come home early (especially if I end up with a roommate again). We're compromising. And compromise is fine, and it's certainly your prerogative to decide you don't want to go any further on this matter. My only point was that someone who hasn't sat down and put his concerns to the expert to hear her responses hasn't *really* gone the distance in terms of entertaining that alternative. If it is not important to you that he do so, I agree that there isn't a lot of sense making waves over that. And I do agree that there is value in not spending a pregnancy fighting with one's spouse. I don't know about you, but I would much rather be the one giving birth than have to watch him endure it. I think it's important for me to be respectful of his concerns, and what will alleviate them (being in the hospital), considering the fact that my giving birth is difficult for him, too. I suspect I'd rather give birth than be a bystander myself, but I'm not nearly as charitable as you are. If I'm the one giving birth, then frankly, I think that my preferences have greater weight and someone, even my husband, who wants me to do something different bears the burden of proving to me that my preferences are somehow unreasonable. I would respect him and his feelings enough to seriously entertain the alternatives, but not enough to put myself in what I felt was a less desirable or less safe situation simply so that he could feel more comfortable while I was giving birth. Call it selfish, but that's my perspective. Fortunately, my husband feels the same way, so feeling that way has never put any strain on our marriage. And, of course, my husband appreciates that when the matter is something where he is primarily impacted, I recognize that his preferences have more weight and that I ought not to argue against them unless I can make a strong case. Best wishes, Ericka |
#46
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Two under two!!
Amy Austin wrote: Ericka asked why I didn't just talk my DH into a homebirth We talked about it a lot when I was pregnant with DD, and he was so seriously, seriously uncomfortable with it, that I don't think anything would change his mind. DD's birth was hard for him (seeing me in pain, not being able to help, worrying that something would go wrong...), and I don't think it's very loving of me to make this baby's birth even harder on him by putting him into a situation where I know he'll be terribly uncomfortable. FWIW - my husband was also very hesitant about a homebirth at first. However, in addition to presenting him with all the research, explaining that should we have a homebirth, he plays a primary role helped. Once he realized he would be in a position to help me,that he *could* do something to help, made it better. I understand that feeling of helplessness, but with the homebirth (or at least, the labor on my part since in the end we transferred to the hospital) he *could* do something to help, indeed was expected to. He *was* able to help relieve the pain - not make it go away, but make it bearable. He was able to offer support - emotional and physical. He could take some control of the situation. Heck, even being responsible for preparing the room was a big deal because it gave him a real role. Having him take an active role in the planning and the process made a world of difference in making him comfortable about the homebirth. |
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