Intro, and a question, might be long.

'Kate wrote:
On 6 Oct 2006 20:54:10 -0700, "Vicki" the
following was posted in blue dry erase marker:

Thanks for all the great advice...;-)

In other words, you didn't tell me what I wanted you to say so....

hmmmmm, this is the nail, this is the head, this is 'Kate hitting the
nail on the head!

Priceless!

Bev

Actually, I did receive some good advice, here and through some
personal emails....

Thanks again..;-)



'Kate wrote:
On 6 Oct 2006 20:54:10 -0700, "Vicki" the
following was posted in blue dry erase marker:

Thanks for all the great advice...;-)

In other words, you didn't tell me what I wanted you to say so....

Vicki wrote:
Hello, And thanks for getting back to me, any advice is much
appreciated..;-)

I want and *am* going to make an appointment asap with a child
psychologist, I am hoping they can help me...

I can't stress enough that I am not trying in anyway to keep her from
her dad, but I just want him to see that she needs just one night (back
with me, to break up that long stay) Honestly I would like the EOWE and
WED's till she is older but he will not budge one hour...

Why is it that you feel more entitled to time with her than him?


someone asked what he does for work, well, he is a self employeed CPA,
from his home..
so that is another merrit i thought he had for him...almost like a
SAHD....but NOW that I see how she is reacting when he picks her up, it
is just Horrible...I might add that he tell the goverment that he makes
9.00 per hour....lmao.

It would not surprise me if that is his "net"



someone aslo said that when they are small, they react when they come
back home, OMG! i was able to catch it on video, she is used to be
horrible when she returned, and this was just last month, she would
hang on my, cry, and beg and beg me to just hold her, I could not put
her down to even step into the bathroom, she acted like she had been
through boot camp, then after about an hour she would be ok, she would
see me putting on my night clothes and hers too, so she knew she was
sleeping with me, ( we co-sleep)

Another bad idea

now she is ok when she returns just
EXTREMELY happy to be home, but now it is reversed, she is doing
horrible when he comes for her.

And probably stops that behavior the moment you are out of sight. Kids
will "perform" the behavior they think you want to see and hear.


His other kids, one he has 50/50 ( because he told me that the Mother
is on drugs, and that is why she agreed to 50/50 (the mom) because she
is a druggie...and was afraid of him going for full custody..so she
signed it, 7 years ago, the 16 y/o is an EOWE child, and the EOWE child
is way more stable, she knows where to call home, she has her room,
school, friends, she is way more stable, IMHO.

And has nothing to do with the parenting schedule, and everything to do
with the parents.


My Daughter is very smart (like all of our kids) LOL...but she does
remember FAST! and that is what I fear, her remembering her mom turning
her back on her..;(

Projecting....


She remembers things that I didnt expect her to even hear...lol...

But it wnot remember those events a couple of years from now.


It breaks my heart, I am unable to get the thought of her little face,
all red with huge tears, screaming...... mamamamama..........., up the
hill... then I have to walk away from her, it's just not fair....(to
either of us)

You appear to believe you are more entitled than he is.


he does have a good relationship with his kids,

but at this point, I just feel that she is just too little to be away
from me that long..;(
see, the 10y/o, has a mom on drugs and she drinks A LOT, bars and all,
so when her daughter goes with her dad it is PARTY TIME....she enjoys
her time away from her child....me on the other hand, suffer without
her, and her me..;(

I just need to know if anyone would know if there is a chance to modify
this aggreement, even just a few nights a month, as I said, just to
break it up some....


It is up to the judge. But from what I have read......your angle is to
take time awau from him. IMOE, at that age, 2-3 days is the right
length of time, but it also depends on travel distance. I this age I
would suggest a MT / WT / FST schedule. in other words, Mon , Tues
he has Wed and Thurs, Then you have Fr- Sun. the following week he
has Mon and Tues, you have Wed and Thurs, and he has FRi-Sun.

At age 5-6, the child will be old enough to switch to one parent
having Mon-Tues, the other Wed Thurs, and then alternate Fri-Sun. This
brings about longer stretches of time with each parent.


thanks so much for reading my problems..;(



DCMama wrote:

Vivki, I would start by trying to get a child psychologist to give you
some information about what this kind of trauma is like for a baby. My
son is 3.5 and a child psychologist said he was absolutely not to go to
Paris to be with his father for Christmas this year, that what he
needed most of all right now is stability with a primary parent, and
unlimited visits with the father, an occasional overnight, but NOT
long-term separation from his mama.

I respectfully disagree with the poster who says your child will not
remember this. If you've ever watched your kid memorize the words to
her favorite song after hearing it five times, you'll know that a
child's capacity for memory is enormous. And emotional trauma takes its
toll. Your two year old is too young to be separate from you for more
than a night, perhaps two if she's ok with it.

No parent should ever force a child to do something like this. Your ex
is shooting himself in the foot on this one. She will not attach to
him, learn to trust him, or enjoy him. Her emotional bond with him will
be one of pain.

You can set your child up for some sense of security while she is with
you. Talk to her a few hours before she leaves for her father's about
how you imagine it must feel for her. 'Hey, boo, is it scary to leave
mama's even though you get to go to your papa's house for a little bit?
I bet you must be worried that you won't see mama again when you leave
my house. But I'm always here, and I'll be right here waiting for you
to get back. You can ask papa to call me so you can see for yourself
that mama's at home waiting for you.' Reassure her that you love her,
and that you will be there for her when she comes home. Ask your ex
what activities he has planned for her while she is with him, so you
can talk to her about specific, fun things she'll get to do. If she has
a favorite stuffed animal, sleep with it or wear it under your shirt
for a while before she goes. She will smell your scent on her lovey and
hopefully be comforted.

Find another lawyer, and tell that lawyer that you felt you were
pressured into signing, that the documents you signed you signed under
duress. Do some research on the old lawyer who intimidated him. Talk to
the Bar Association in your county/state and see if there is anything
you can do with regards to your treatment. See if there are any other
compaints against him. Talk to your state welfare/women and children
program and see if they can steer you to affordable legal care.

If you have proof of the income your ex is hiding, bring this to your
attorney. You should have alimony as well as child support. You can
discuss with the lawyer how to get funds from your ex to pay for legal
expenses. Any lawyer you talk to should give you a preliminary
consultation of at least a half hour for free, and you can ask
questions like these and get a feel for the lawyer herself or himself.

Good luck!



Vicki wrote:

Hello, I am Vicki, and I just was searching around for a group with
single parents, and I have a few questions that only another single
parent can answer..;-)...or a lawyer.... but fisrt off,
I hope I won't offend anyone, espeically all of you wonderful Dads who
may be raising your children on your own..;-)

Okay, here is my questions, My STBX, filed for divorce back in Feb (My
state is PA) it was a complete train wreck type of divorce for me, I
mean we had our up and downs, but imo, mostly ups, but he up and file,
and I am home with my Mother in her home, I have a two year old
daughter, who has never been away from me, NEVER..;-) and atually one
of our huge problems was that he never bothered with her, and I was
just so heartbroken, because I was so proud of her (first child) and
waited a long time to have her,..;-) but he has a 16 y/o and a 10 y/o,
and everytime I would ask him ''why don't you ever pick the baby up''?
yada yada yada...he would say, ''oh I have been through the ''baby''
stage 2 times, and it's just no big deal, in other words, seen one,
baby seen them all..well, to my suprise after we split up, he filed for
50/50 shared custody....and my lawyer was so sure that he would NOT
ever get it, he told me that he would get,Wed.nights and everyother
weekends..now in the beginning,she had a really rough time being away
from me even one day,but was always kinda ok with it, but now since
Sept, it has gone into the second faze...meaning that he gets her, wed
night, thur night, friday night, sat night, and sunday till 6pm..now,
come Jan,he will have sunday ''all night'' added on to this...he will
get this everyother week. i'm sure you all heard of it, it's called
the 5-2 schedule...anyways back to my *fisrt and fired* lawyer, he
*promised me* that he would only get what he was getting at the time,
EOWE and Weds.....when it was time for a concielation,my lawyer totally
turned on me,and scared me to death, tell me things like..'' once this
gets to a judge you never know what might happen'' umm, this judge is
new, young, liberal, and she will NEVER rule in your favor....he told
me'' it is the law'' and fatheres have all the rights now a days'' he
had me in tears and I thought I was passing out, he was yelling at me
to ''just sign'' ''nothing is etched in stone'' so I looked up at his
large intimadating body over my shoulders, and I said..'' you mean I
can change this if it does not work, and he said ''yes you can''
so i signed it.

Well. I am trying to make a very long story as short as possible so I
don't lose anyone in my Drama..;lol....but it is NOT working out....as
i said before, she was ''okay'' and atually likes the weekends, but
these 5 day stays are really hard on her,...then Jan one more night
will be added on...*they eased me and my daughter into this* over the
summer and winter...

When he picked her up tonight, she was *screaming* mamamamama, and big
huge tears running down her face, she was begging me to get her out of
his truck, ( he made me put her in) but she knows that she has to go
for that long! she was using every word that is in her little
vocabulary to express herself to me, she was saying...*home home, and
point back at my house, she was screaming mama, and car car, (my car)
she was saying, and pointing,'' inside inside'' my house) she was
desparate...but I could not do one thing...before I put her in the
truck, he (my stbx) grabbed her very cold, and said, ''COME ON THATS
ENOUGH'' and then made me put her in the seat, she cryed the whole way
up the hill for her mommy,

I am fearful that she will remember me walking away from her when she
needed me the most, my EX feels that I should just place her in the
seat and turn and leave....

Well, she is not in daycare or anything, she is in gymnastics, and she
goes to sunday school, so she does not have a separation problem...but
it is too many days from Mom...HE wants to be the mom, he is like that
with all his kids..( 3 different moms too, I might add)

So back in Aug. I hired a new Lawyer and she is a custody Lawyer, and
she felt very strong that she is too small to be away from me *that
long* and she did a motions court, or something...and I guess the judge
said ''nope'' she (the judge) would not sign a special relief, she said
I signed it, live with it...

So my Lawyer said that iho..she would modify, and keep going and
fighting this till she is older, etc. now does anyone know if there is
ever a good outcome? I truely believe my 2 year old is suffering form
this...now that she knows it is for a long time, she no longer wants
to go there...she wont even bring up his name, (and we *stbx* were
having a good relationship) it is civil, so there is NO Dad bashing
behind her back OR infront of her...

I will try to get her to call him on the phone, and she does not want
anything to do with talking...she does that part to me too
though...LOL...

Now, when I go pick her up, she is so happy that she is squeeling, and
it is so loud, she is hugging me so tight, and says...'' home, peese,
home peese''

I wanted him ...no, I begged him to just give me, thur, NIGHTS back and
to stop the Sunday nights from happening, meaning he could still have
her all day on thur, I told him I would pick her up at midnight, just
so it would break up the long stay, and she could sleep in bed with me
that night, and same thing about sunday nights, I told him I will pick
her up as late as he wants, just let her come home...he says NO WAY! no
way EVER!

I don't know why he can't see that she is suffering, even if it is only
a short time, she is very disturbed when she goes....and I have no idea
how she is right now, because he will not call me, answer the phone or
answer my emails...

What can I do?
Anything?

Video tape it? (I could get the whole thing on tape the next
time...??????

get ANOTHER Lawer?

I have no funds left...I work once a week and 3 times a week when she
is with him, I do not work when she is here with me..;-)
but I ''could'' maybe scrape some cash...

what about a free lawyer? are they good? do they fight for you? or
are they just *there*????? how do you obtain them?

Should it cost money to fight for my daughters well being?

Where do I turn?

Is it too late to try to modify the custody order?

I know I won't sleep tonight, thinking about my princess, leaving as
she was screaming for the one person that she knows would never turn
her back on her, and I had to turn it tonight, and the last few weeks
as well...;(

Does anyone have any advice for me....

I have offered him so many different things, IE on the week that he
does get her the long weekend, then let me have her thur night. then on
the week that he does not get her the long weekend, then she stays,
both Wed and Thur, one night really makes a huge difference on how she
reacts to going with him....I was asking for ''hours'' back with her,
not even days, but he is just so dead set..he says NO, and his word
counts!

He has money.....should that matter?
(although he hides it well) according to the IRS he makes 9.00 an
hour..LOL...another post.lol...

does the one with the most money win?
is there *anyway* I could lose her to him?

One thing, I am proud to say is that he has NOTHING on me, nudda, I
don't smoke, drink, no drugs,bars, and never did.... I dont even ever
recall a speeding ticket in my life, I devoted my life to my baby, and
she really appreciates it and he is taking it from her...

I know she needs to be with her Dad too, (that would be worse) i think)
if she didnt have a dad, but this 5 day stretch is doing a number on
her emotionally...

there is so much more, but I will start with this...

Thank you so much for reading this,,,if you made it this far...LOL..

please, any advice will be much appreciated...feel free to contact me
via email as well..;-)
Also, I know this post probably sounds scatter brained, please excuse
me because I have having those horrible visions of my baby begging and
begging me to bring her back in my home..;(

TY,
Vicki....

DCMama wrote:

Vivki, I would start by trying to get a child psychologist to give you
some information about what this kind of trauma is like for a baby. My
son is 3.5 and a child psychologist said he was absolutely not to go to
Paris to be with his father for Christmas this year, that what he
needed most of all right now is stability with a primary parent, and
unlimited visits with the father, an occasional overnight, but NOT
long-term separation from his mama.

But long term separation from his father is alright??????? Sounds like
a real loser of a psychologist.


I respectfully disagree with the poster who says your child will not
remember this.

You are a fool

If you've ever watched your kid memorize the words to
her favorite song after hearing it five times, you'll know that a
child's capacity for memory is enormous. And emotional trauma takes its
toll. Your two year old is too young to be separate from you for more
than a night, perhaps two if she's ok with it.

No parent should ever force a child to do something like this.

Free hint for the clueless....it is no longer the parents decision to
make, it is the courts.

Your ex
is shooting himself in the foot on this one. She will not attach to
him, learn to trust him, or enjoy him. Her emotional bond with him will
be one of pain.

Utter horse****.


You can set your child up for some sense of security while she is with
you. Talk to her a few hours before she leaves for her father's about
how you imagine it must feel for her. 'Hey, boo, is it scary to leave
mama's even though you get to go to your papa's house for a little bit?
I bet you must be worried that you won't see mama again when you leave
my house. But I'm always here, and I'll be right here waiting for you
to get back.

Yeah.....reinforce the negative of going to see the other parent. You
must be a real piece of work.

You can ask papa to call me so you can see for yourself
that mama's at home waiting for you.' Reassure her that you love her,
and that you will be there for her when she comes home. Ask your ex
what activities he has planned for her while she is with him, so you
can talk to her about specific, fun things she'll get to do.

In other words....be nosy.

If she has
a favorite stuffed animal, sleep with it or wear it under your shirt
for a while before she goes. She will smell your scent on her lovey and
hopefully be comforted.

Find another lawyer, and tell that lawyer that you felt you were
pressured into signing, that the documents you signed you signed under
duress.

Play the "pity the poor helpless woman" game.....pathetic.

Do some research on the old lawyer who intimidated him. Talk to
the Bar Association in your county/state and see if there is anything
you can do with regards to your treatment.

BWHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA.....

It sounds like the lawyer knew exactly what he was doing. THe OP
propably was coming across as a controling obsessive parent, and was in
danger of losing custody......

See if there are any other
compaints against him. Talk to your state welfare/women and children
program and see if they can steer you to affordable legal care.

If you have proof of the income your ex is hiding, bring this to your
attorney. You should have alimony as well as child support.

What planet do you live on?


You can
discuss with the lawyer how to get funds from your ex to pay for legal
expenses.

And just why should he pay for her legal problems?

Any lawyer you talk to should give you a preliminary
consultation of at least a half hour for free, and you can ask
questions like these and get a feel for the lawyer herself or himself.

Good luck!

Not is she takes your advice.