Parenting adults

So the situation is that my 23 yo is renting an in-law apartment from
us. So far, it's working well: we visit each other, but also respect
each other's space. Her kitty likes visiting us, too, which is nice.
(There's an entry that both our house and her apartment share, and we
generally leave both doors open if we're all home.) If she's home in
the evening, she's likely to have dinner with us, which I enjoy. There
have been one or two minor issues, but we've addressed them directly and
immediately, and seem to be working the kinks out without major problems.

The only problem I'm having is MY problem: if she isn't home when I was
expecting her to come home, I start to worry. Since we haven't lived
here long, she doesn't have much of a social life -- just work and
12-step meetings, and I usually know when those are, so I know when she
is likely to be home.

Yesterday, for example, I knew she was working until 6:00. When she
wasn't home by 10:00, I started doing the "what if she's in a ditch"
thing. I finally called her cell phone (she was, of course, fine --
she'd been called in to her other job, then stopped to buy groceries on
the way home.)

Now, fortunately, my daughter isn't annnoyed by my calls or my worrying;
she says she actually finds it kind of sweet.

But I don't WANT to be doing this! If she were living somewhere else, I
wouldn't know when she got home, so I couldn't do this. It feels
somehow not right. DH asked if I'd be doing this if we were renting to
someone else's 20-something year old, or to one of our parents, and the
answer is -- I honestly don't know. I suspect I might.

Anybody got any suggestions for how to get myself past this? Should I
keep calling her when I get concerned, as long as it doesn't annoy her?
Or should I suck it up and live with being worried?

Thanks for any suggesetions or feedback.

--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

dragonlady wrote:

Anybody got any suggestions for how to get myself past this? Should I
keep calling her when I get concerned, as long as it doesn't annoy her?
Or should I suck it up and live with being worried?

I don't think this is all that much a parenting
problem. If you weren't home when *she* expected *you*
to be, wouldn't she be worried as well? I live next
door to my parents. I generally know what they're
up to, and I'll get worried if something seems amiss,
and perhaps I'll call them to find out.
I think what you have to do is just make sure
that you're not crossing the line. Ask yourself what
specifically makes you think there's a problem, and
what logical explanations there might be. If it's
the middle of the night and it's storming outside and
she's three hours late, it's a lot more reasonable
to call than if she's just a little bit late in the
middle of the day when something could easily have
come up.

Best wishes,
Ericka

I lived at home until I was 23 and even though I was an adult, I always let
them know approximately when I was going to be home and call if I was going
to be too late. It's just a common courtesy when you live with someone. It
may be a slight difference where she has a separate living space, but I
don't think so.

If it isn't bothering her, I wouldn't let it bother you.

--
--
Shelley
mom to 2 boys (4 and 1)


"dragonlady" wrote in message
...
So the situation is that my 23 yo is renting an in-law apartment from
us. So far, it's working well: we visit each other, but also respect
each other's space. Her kitty likes visiting us, too, which is nice.
(There's an entry that both our house and her apartment share, and we
generally leave both doors open if we're all home.) If she's home in
the evening, she's likely to have dinner with us, which I enjoy. There
have been one or two minor issues, but we've addressed them directly and
immediately, and seem to be working the kinks out without major problems.

The only problem I'm having is MY problem: if she isn't home when I was
expecting her to come home, I start to worry. Since we haven't lived
here long, she doesn't have much of a social life -- just work and
12-step meetings, and I usually know when those are, so I know when she
is likely to be home.

Yesterday, for example, I knew she was working until 6:00. When she
wasn't home by 10:00, I started doing the "what if she's in a ditch"
thing. I finally called her cell phone (she was, of course, fine --
she'd been called in to her other job, then stopped to buy groceries on
the way home.)

Now, fortunately, my daughter isn't annnoyed by my calls or my worrying;
she says she actually finds it kind of sweet.

But I don't WANT to be doing this! If she were living somewhere else, I
wouldn't know when she got home, so I couldn't do this. It feels
somehow not right. DH asked if I'd be doing this if we were renting to
someone else's 20-something year old, or to one of our parents, and the
answer is -- I honestly don't know. I suspect I might.

Anybody got any suggestions for how to get myself past this? Should I
keep calling her when I get concerned, as long as it doesn't annoy her?
Or should I suck it up and live with being worried?

Thanks for any suggesetions or feedback.

--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

dragonlady wrote:
So the situation is that my 23 yo is renting an in-law apartment from
us. So far, it's working well: we visit each other, but also respect
each other's space. Her kitty likes visiting us, too, which is nice.
(There's an entry that both our house and her apartment share, and we
generally leave both doors open if we're all home.) If she's home in
the evening, she's likely to have dinner with us, which I enjoy. There
have been one or two minor issues, but we've addressed them directly and
immediately, and seem to be working the kinks out without major problems.

The only problem I'm having is MY problem: if she isn't home when I was
expecting her to come home, I start to worry. Since we haven't lived
here long, she doesn't have much of a social life -- just work and
12-step meetings, and I usually know when those are, so I know when she
is likely to be home.

Yesterday, for example, I knew she was working until 6:00. When she
wasn't home by 10:00, I started doing the "what if she's in a ditch"
thing. I finally called her cell phone (she was, of course, fine --
she'd been called in to her other job, then stopped to buy groceries on
the way home.)

Now, fortunately, my daughter isn't annnoyed by my calls or my worrying;
she says she actually finds it kind of sweet.

But I don't WANT to be doing this! If she were living somewhere else, I
wouldn't know when she got home, so I couldn't do this. It feels
somehow not right. DH asked if I'd be doing this if we were renting to
someone else's 20-something year old, or to one of our parents, and the
answer is -- I honestly don't know. I suspect I might.

Anybody got any suggestions for how to get myself past this?

Just quit, Momma hen. Little chickie has her own wings now.

Should I
keep calling her when I get concerned, as long as it doesn't annoy her?
Or should I suck it up and live with being worried?

Thanks for any suggesetions or feedback.

When my niece lived with me, I asked her to call me if she was going to
stay out later that midnight (just so I wouldn't worry), or if she
needed a ride home from a party (incase she drank too much). This gave
me some peace of mind. Other than that, I let her come and go as she
pleased. It's hard to do, but you have to just do it.

-L.

dragonlady wrote:
So the situation is that my 23 yo is renting an in-law apartment from
us. So far, it's working well: we visit each other, but also respect
each other's space. Her kitty likes visiting us, too, which is nice.
(There's an entry that both our house and her apartment share, and we
generally leave both doors open if we're all home.) If she's home in
the evening, she's likely to have dinner with us, which I enjoy. There
have been one or two minor issues, but we've addressed them directly and
immediately, and seem to be working the kinks out without major problems.

The only problem I'm having is MY problem: if she isn't home when I was
expecting her to come home, I start to worry. Since we haven't lived
here long, she doesn't have much of a social life -- just work and
12-step meetings, and I usually know when those are, so I know when she
is likely to be home.

Yesterday, for example, I knew she was working until 6:00. When she
wasn't home by 10:00, I started doing the "what if she's in a ditch"
thing. I finally called her cell phone (she was, of course, fine --
she'd been called in to her other job, then stopped to buy groceries on
the way home.)

Now, fortunately, my daughter isn't annnoyed by my calls or my worrying;
she says she actually finds it kind of sweet.

But I don't WANT to be doing this! If she were living somewhere else, I
wouldn't know when she got home, so I couldn't do this. It feels
somehow not right. DH asked if I'd be doing this if we were renting to
someone else's 20-something year old, or to one of our parents, and the
answer is -- I honestly don't know. I suspect I might.

Anybody got any suggestions for how to get myself past this? Should I
keep calling her when I get concerned, as long as it doesn't annoy her?
Or should I suck it up and live with being worried?

Thanks for any suggesetions or feedback.


As long as your worrying doesn't lead you to directly control her
behavior, like she's a teenager (you know, grounding or something like
that), I think you're doing just fine. If she's way late (expected at 6
pm but not back by 10 pm is pretty late) then calling her cell isn't
unreasonable.

The point isn't that if she lived far away you wouldn't know she took
four hours to get home. The point is you *do* know and what do you do
with that knowledge? Calling and worrying seem reasonable. Ordering
her to call is not.

dragonlady wrote:
So the situation is that my 23 yo is renting an in-law apartment from
us. So far, it's working well: we visit each other, but also respect
each other's space. Her kitty likes visiting us, too, which is nice.
SNIP
Yesterday, for example, I knew she was working until 6:00. When she
wasn't home by 10:00, I started doing the "what if she's in a ditch"
thing. I finally called her cell phone (she was, of course, fine --
she'd been called in to her other job, then stopped to buy groceries on
the way home.)

Now, fortunately, my daughter isn't annnoyed by my calls or my worrying;
she says she actually finds it kind of sweet.

But I don't WANT to be doing this!
More snips

Well, if you don't WANT to be doing this, then you've got to stop. ;-

But either way, I think that you and your daughter need to establish
ground rules for one another, given your proximity. Can she just
wander into your place if the door is open? Can you wander into her's
if its open? What are the rules if the door is closed? What if you're
not home? How often can she come for dinner? If she's pretty regular
about things (eg, she comes for dinner every Wednesday), does she have
to let you know if she isn't coming? Does she have the right to use
your appliances (eg, a washer)? To borrow things without telling you?
If there are common areas, who cares for them? Does she have a right
to privacy in the yard? Part of those ground rules should be your
mutual decision about her letting you know if she's going to be
particularly late or not around -- should she tell you, does she mind
if you call, etc. That way, you'll *both* know what to expect.

BTW, I strongly suspect that your daughter doesn't mind your worrying
or calling because you don't abuse the privilege, and because you show
her respect.

Barbara

dragonlady wrote:

I moved back with my mom when the kids were 1, 6 and 8 when dh was
going to be gone for some time and we had been living in a rented
house and had to move. We set up ground rules before we started as to
who had responsibility for what.

BUT

A parent never stops worrying about the kids. I always woke up with a
beating heart when I heard a siren at night until ds moved to another
state. My mom once sent me a clipping (when we lived near Monterey
California) about a sailor's wife who was raped in San Diego, and
there was a note with it telling me to be sure to lock my doors

Of course we didn't have any problem with my night life or dating
because I just basically didn't do any of that. I had almost no
social life.

The only problem I'm having is MY problem: if she isn't home when I was
expecting her to come home, I start to worry. Since we haven't lived
here long, she doesn't have much of a social life -- just work and
12-step meetings, and I usually know when those are, so I know when she
is likely to be home.

Yesterday, for example, I knew she was working until 6:00. When she
wasn't home by 10:00, I started doing the "what if she's in a ditch"
thing. I finally called her cell phone (she was, of course, fine --
she'd been called in to her other job, then stopped to buy groceries on
the way home.)

Now, fortunately, my daughter isn't annnoyed by my calls or my worrying;
she says she actually finds it kind of sweet.

But I don't WANT to be doing this! If she were living somewhere else, I
wouldn't know when she got home, so I couldn't do this. It feels
somehow not right. DH asked if I'd be doing this if we were renting to
someone else's 20-something year old, or to one of our parents, and the
answer is -- I honestly don't know. I suspect I might.

Anybody got any suggestions for how to get myself past this? Should I
keep calling her when I get concerned, as long as it doesn't annoy her?
Or should I suck it up and live with being worried?

Thanks for any suggesetions or feedback.

As long as you aren't accusing her angrily of not checking in
appropriately or something like that, and as long as you aren't waking
her up from a sound sleep for something, then I don't think it should
be a problem.

We've been dismantling my mom's possessions and estate, and my sister
is a co-trustee with me, but she doesn't want to deal with the estate,
so, since my mom specified two personal representatives and two
trustees, my sister resigned as personal representative which means
that my daughter is the next in line. One of the appraisers suggested
that it was a bad idea for a mother and daughter to be co-personal
representatives because the mom might put pressure on the daughter. I
told dd what he had said, and she laughed. She said, "as if you
would, mom". My daughters and I don't always agree, but so far there
haven't been any great rifts. Most fairly close families know that
their relatives aren't perfect, but they can deal.

dragonlady wrote:

Erica, it helps to know that you DO notice if something seems amiss with
your parents living next door, and check up to make sure things are OK.

This is not about control -- it is about figuring out how to handle my
own anxiety.

Don't take too much of this on yourself. You're
very nearly in a roommate situation. Even if you were
completely unrelated and had not even the slightest
concern for controlling her life, it would be perfectly
normal to worry about someone who wasn't where you
expected them (not expected=preferred/wanted, but
expected=anticipated/predicted based on past behavior).
Part of living so close together *requires* some
communication about things like this. It's perfectly
normal, and has nothing to do with anyone trying to
control anyone else. I grew up in an extended family
situation. There were no illusions that my parents
ought to have a say in when my grandparents got home,
or vice versa, but both had the consideration to let
the other know what to expect. It's just good manners.
I think most of us would *want* someone to have a little
concern if we were off the road in a ditch instead of
safe at home, rather than having them dither back and
forth over whether they're being too controlling if
they wonder where we are at 3am on a dark and stormy
night ;-) It isn't unreasonable for your daughter to
give you a heads up when she expects to be back or
to entertain your occasional call to make sure she's
okay as long as you don't go overboard with it. Believe
me, people know the difference between an "I'm worried"
call and a "I'm checking up on you" call ;-)
Think of it this way: If you were visiting
a friend for a month and staying in their guest house,
would you not touch base and let them know if your
activities were going to keep you out late or away
a few days or any other significant deviation from
past behavior so they wouldn't worry about you? I
suspect most of us would, just as a matter of courtesy.

Best wishes,
Ericka

In article ,
Rosalie B. wrote:

As long as you aren't accusing her angrily of not checking in
appropriately or something like that, and as long as you aren't waking
her up from a sound sleep for something, then I don't think it should
be a problem.

No, none of that.

I did have a horrid nightmare about her the other night, and woke in a
cold sweat. I was tempted to go peek in on her to make sure she was OK
-- but I'm pretty sure she locks her doors at night, so I'd have had to
look in through her bedroom window.

Then I got the picture of the mom driving across town with the ladder on
her car from "Love You Forever" in my mind, and decided I'd just have to
get over it!

As I said, this isn't about her behavior -- her's is fine! -- it's about
mine, and wanting a reality check on THAT.

I know one never entirely stops worrying about one's kids (or parents or
anyone else you love.) So I'm really not doing so bad.

--
Children won't care how much you know until they know how much you care

Akuvikate wrote:
dragonlady wrote:

Now, fortunately, my daughter isn't annnoyed by my calls or my worrying;
she says she actually finds it kind of sweet.

But I don't WANT to be doing this! If she were living somewhere else, I
wouldn't know when she got home, so I couldn't do this. It feels
somehow not right. DH asked if I'd be doing this if we were renting to
someone else's 20-something year old, or to one of our parents, and the
answer is -- I honestly don't know. I suspect I might.

Anybody got any suggestions for how to get myself past this? Should I
keep calling her when I get concerned, as long as it doesn't annoy her?
Or should I suck it up and live with being worried?

I think the key thing here is that she isn't annoyed. She sees it for
the loving gesture it is and likes it. Perhaps if you tell her about
the way you worry, and that you know it's your problem and not hers,
she'll give you more advance warning about times she'll be late. In
that circumstance it would be enitirely of her own volition because she
knows she's just humoring your own nervous tendencies, not because you
require her to check in with you.

I'd agree. I don't think it's unreasonable for her to call you to let
you know of a significant change in schedule, just to calm your fears.

Now, I'm 36 and haven't lived at home since I was 17, so your situation
was never an issue. But one thing I have always done and still do, is
if I'm going out of town for more than a weekend, I let me mom know.
Why? Because if she calls and it's more than a few days before I call
back, she'll worry. (it's less an issue now with cell phones and
email). She does the same - she lets all of us know when she's going
out of town and to where, for the same reason.

Obviously your situation is a little different, but it's the same idea.
Doesn't matter how old she is, you will be concerned. And no doubt,
she'd worry the same about you. Or, you can at least set some
guidelines "if you're going to be more than X hours later than normal,
call, but before that I won't worry."