Extremely shy 3 yr old. Plz Help

My DD is extremely shy. She is very outgoing on her own turff, at
home. However, in any outside situation she is extrememly shy. She
started preschool this year and isn't talking to any of the teachers
or other children. She will play next to other children and she will
interact if strongly encouraged by an adult but always does so with
her head burried in her sholders and tilted to the side. At circle
time she practially has to be forced to come sit with the other
children and she often lays down with her face burried in her arms.
She behaves the same way in the daycare that she goes to at our gym.
In Ballet class, she won't follow directions very often and while all
of the other little girls her age are following along she is usually
just standing there with her head sort of tilted to the side buried in
her shoulder. Today she was laying on the ground with her hands over
her head. I asked her over and over if she likes ballet and preschool
and the answer is always a definite YES! She talks about her school
and ballet expreiences when she is not in class very positively and I
always say to her that she doesn't have to go if she doesn't like it
but she does want to go. She will talk to other children if they are
at her own home. Do we have a bigger problem on our hands than just a
shy kid? I have had her diagnosed by several differnent experts and
we have heard everything from "perfectly normal" to "autistic" and
even "manic depressive". I don't know who to believe or what to do.
Anyone ever know a child like this?

any thoughts are greatly appreicated.

Thanks
Diana

In Ballet class, she won't follow directions very often and while all
of the other little girls her age are following along she is usually
just standing there with her head sort of tilted to the side buried in
her shoulder. Today she was laying on the ground with her hands over
her head. I asked her over and over if she likes ballet and preschool
and the answer is always a definite YES!

I'm hearing the story of a kid who's a bit overwhelmed and doing some
pretty decent coping mechanisms to deal with it. I'm always impressed
with how good a job these really little kids do with finding strategies to
make themselves feel more comfortable.

If she's shy and isn't up to being fully engaged I'd say to just let her
be. She'll get out of it whatever she can get out of it and eventually
she'll be more comfortable in that situation and get even more out of it.

The kid has time, she's only 3. Don't worry. Let her be her.

Wendy, Mummy to a formerly extremely shy, formerly 3 year old girl now 12

On 11 Oct 2003 12:44:21 -0700, (screamingchild)
wrote:

I don't know who to believe or what to do.
Anyone ever know a child like this?

Yes.

any thoughts are greatly appreicated.

I suspect what we call selective mutism..

http://www.selectivemutism.org/
http://www.orgsites.com/fl/selectivemutismfoundation/

http://selective-mutism.com/mutism.html

Selective mutism is a complex psychological disorder with
an unknown origin. It is a widely misdiagnosed social phobia.
Generally, it is called shyness for several years until a child
enters school and does not function verbally in school and
most social situations outside of school. Parents and teachers
become very concerned and seek further assistance and
diagnosis. These children have the ability to speak and
understand language, develop age appropriate skills, and
function normally at home with most family members.
However, if the behavior lasts for a period of time, it becomes
a learned pattern and is quite difficult to overcome, because
the longer a child is silent, the more entrenched the behavior
becomes.




--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..

The Outer Limits

On 11 Oct 2003 16:17:21 -0400, Wendy wrote:

If she's shy and isn't up to being fully engaged I'd say to just let her
be. She'll get out of it whatever she can get out of it and eventually
she'll be more comfortable in that situation and get even more out of it.

The kid has time, she's only 3. Don't worry. Let her be her.

Unfortunately, this is probably not just *shyness.* Most 3 year olds
who are shy, still find someone at school to talk to. It may be the
teacher or it may be another special friend who is a child. Selective
Mutism, like many disorders seems to be on the rise though and it
should be evaluated.


--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..

The Outer Limits

toto wrote:
Selective mutism is a complex psychological disorder with
an unknown origin. It is a widely misdiagnosed social phobia.
Generally, it is called shyness for several years until a child
enters school and does not function verbally in school and
most social situations outside of school. Parents and teachers
become very concerned and seek further assistance and
diagnosis. These children have the ability to speak and
understand language, develop age appropriate skills, and
function normally at home with most family members.
However, if the behavior lasts for a period of time, it becomes
a learned pattern and is quite difficult to overcome, because
the longer a child is silent, the more entrenched the behavior
becomes.

Okay, give it a label if you prefer. My kid had that when she was
little. She had a piano teacher when she was five for whom she would
freeze. She wouldn't blink, speak or respond in any way. He was
frustrated to death with her. She also used to do it with strangers in
the grocery store and to some extent with unfamiliar family members.

I called it, "not being able to cope and dealing with it in her own
way." We handled it through a variety of ways: I'd apologize for her and
let her be sometimes, and sometimes I'd just get her out of the situation.

It passed. She's a normal 12 year old now. A bit introverted, but no one
ever calls her shy anymore.

Wendy

screamingchild wrote:

My DD is extremely shy. She is very outgoing on her own turff, at
home. However, in any outside situation she is extrememly shy.

I'm not sure I'd give her a 'label' quite yet, she may still need a few
years to work out some of her insecurities in social settings. Have you
tried role playing with her in the comfort of your home where she does
feel comfortable and outgoing? For example, take turns being the ballet
teacher and student....maybe if she has some practice exercising her
social skills at home she'll feel more relaxed in those settings, like try
giving her ideas on what to do and say when she's the teacher and when
she's the student, or play pretend that you are in preschool with friend X
(name someone in her class) and try that type of thing. While you're
'pretending' with her you can suggest things like, 'stand up straight for
ballet class - we won't be able to march like beautiful butterflies if our
head is way down by our shoulders, right?' Ok, corny, but you get the
idea.

How long has she been in preschool/ballet class? My daughter used to
sound a lot like yours, with the extreme shyness and almost rude-ness, but
over time (she's only 3.5, but had been fearful of any and everyone up
until about 2.5) has slowly become more social - she's not outgoing by any
stretch of the imagination in social settings, but will participate and
engage with teachers and other kids when they pay attention to her (she
rarely makes hte first move. But even so, for the first month or even
two of a new situation she reverts to being pouty and shy, for example she
switched preschool classes - same familiar school, just a new classroom
and new but familiar teachers, and its taken a solid month for her to feel
more confident in the surroundings. Good luck to you - she definitely
sounds extremely shy, whether its in the range of 'normal', I just don't
know what to tell you. I think since she acts one way at home and one way
in social situations she maybe just needs more coping skills and
strategies to use when she feels uncomfortable.

cara

could you invite one of the other pre-school kids over for a play, with
his/her mum too perhaps? perhaps one special friend might make it easier
for her?

c
"screamingchild" wrote in message
om...
My DD is extremely shy. She is very outgoing on her own turff, at
home. However, in any outside situation she is extrememly shy. She
started preschool this year and isn't talking to any of the teachers
or other children. She will play next to other children and she will
interact if strongly encouraged by an adult but always does so with
her head burried in her sholders and tilted to the side. At circle
time she practially has to be forced to come sit with the other
children and she often lays down with her face burried in her arms.
She behaves the same way in the daycare that she goes to at our gym.
In Ballet class, she won't follow directions very often and while all
of the other little girls her age are following along she is usually
just standing there with her head sort of tilted to the side buried in
her shoulder. Today she was laying on the ground with her hands over
her head. I asked her over and over if she likes ballet and preschool
and the answer is always a definite YES! She talks about her school
and ballet expreiences when she is not in class very positively and I
always say to her that she doesn't have to go if she doesn't like it
but she does want to go. She will talk to other children if they are
at her own home. Do we have a bigger problem on our hands than just a
shy kid? I have had her diagnosed by several differnent experts and
we have heard everything from "perfectly normal" to "autistic" and
even "manic depressive". I don't know who to believe or what to do.
Anyone ever know a child like this?

any thoughts are greatly appreicated.

Thanks
Diana

"Wendy" wrote in message
...
toto wrote:
Selective mutism is a complex psychological disorder with
an unknown origin.
.........................................

I called it, "not being able to cope and dealing with it in her own
way." We handled it through a variety of ways: I'd apologize for her and
let her be sometimes, and sometimes I'd just get her out of the situation.

It passed. She's a normal 12 year old now. A bit introverted, but no one
ever calls her shy anymore.


My daughter was INCREDIBLY shy up until the age of 5. (shes still shy now
in certain situations). She started going to Preschool at 2.5 and did the
whole "head buried in one shoulder" thing ALL the time except at home with
me, even when close family members visited. Like your child, she was
outgoing at home.

At 3.5 she went to Nursery school (we're in UK btw) and was the same there.
She found it really difficult to talk to other kids / teachers and it was
worse if I was with her (almost embarrassment on her part).

I talked to her Nursery teacher and she labelled it "Perfectly Normal" NOT
Selective Mutism! You are already worried enough without people giving you
something entirely new to worry about. I know there is such a thing but
there's absolutely no need for people to become scaremongers.

My daughter has just recently started School full-time and I have witnessed
an amazing transformation in her! I work at her school at lunchtimes and I
get to observe her at play and she has changed so much. She interacts with
all the other kids and does not exhibit any shyness whatsoever.

I also was painfully shy until the age of about 10 and people used to think
I was rude. I wasn't - just shy. Plain and simple.

Forget Selective Mutism and continue letting your child be who she is. She
told you she's happy so I'm sure she'd tell you if she wasn't. Give her a
chance to grow and find out for herself who she wants to open up to. In a
year or two or three you will look back on this and wonder what you were
worrying about. Promise

Zoe
(Mum to the wonder that is Amber, aged 5)

Wendy wrote in message ...

Wendy, Mummy to a formerly extremely shy, formerly 3 year old girl now 12


Thanks Wendy! About how old was your daughter when whe started talking to others?

-Diana

screamingchild wrote:
Wendy wrote in message ...

Wendy, Mummy to a formerly extremely shy, formerly 3 year old girl now 12

Thanks Wendy! About how old was your daughter when whe started talking to others?

Well, as in most things, there was a gradual progression. She was in a
small family daycare setting until she was 4 and I don't recall her
balking all that much when we moved her to a small preschool. OTOH I
recall having an "aha!" moment when she was in fourth grade and her
teacher said she was outgoing and popular. I hadn't realized she was so
completely over her reserved shyness until that moment.

But right now she's facing starting high school next year with a complete
group of strangers: we sent her to a small private middle school for two
years during which time she skipped a grade, so she'll go to the high
school a year ahead of the only people she knew in elementary
school. She's quite anxious about this and we're already talking about
coping mechanisms and there's nearly a whole year to go before she has to
do it!

I guess that being introverted and anxious are just part of her
personality, but I think that isn't a sin, it's just part of who she is
and we just come up with ways to function well.

-- Wendy