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A bike



 
 
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  #11  
Old January 28th 09, 02:16 PM posted to misc.kids
Welches
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Posts: 849
Default A bike


"Welches" wrote in message
...
Three children appoximately 3 years between each of them. #1 and #3 are
tall, #2 is small.
All use their bikes, although perhaps at that time #3 uses the bike
slightly more round the garden. The bikes are not bought new, second hand,
and then passed down the family.

#1 has just moved onto a new (to them) bike.
When #2 is out parent notices that #3 who is also still using stabilisers
(in case that's a UK term that's the extra wheels preschoolers use to help
them balance) is getting a little too big for him bike. He's still happily
using it, but is outgrowing it. So they lower #2's bike down and put the
stabilisers on.
When #2 comes back, they object to having their bike taken, but parent
points out that #1's old bike is available. When #1's old bike is got out,
however, even lowered to the lowest point, it is clear that it is too tall
to the point of danger and #2 falls off as soon as they try and stop.
There is no question of buying another bike for any of them.

What do you do?

I was interested in the replies because I was #2 here, and I raised this a
few years back with my parents and they couldn't really see that I should
have found it a problem. So I wondered whether I was mssing something
obvious.

To answer a few questions:
Paying for another bike (even second hand) wouldn't have happened unless I'd
asked for one for my birthday/Christmas and I'd just had my birthday and
Christmas was 6 months plus away.

I can't think of anyone mum could have asked that didn't have a child
younger than me. Mum would have thought it rude to ask anyway. If someone
had provided a bike it'd have probably been put away for the next Christmas
too!!! (I know my parents)

It wasn't possible for me and #3 to share the bike as he had training wheels
and I didn't. They didn't easily come off without spanners and brute
strength! I don't think my mum could do it even. My brother was slow at
riding a bike and I think he was at least 2 years before he stopped using
them. If he hadn't had them then I probably would have been prepared to ride
the bike too low for me. I'd probably only have got it when he didn't want
it too.

#1's new bike was her first adult bike and even bigger. She was at her full
adult height very early.

To do my dad justice he quite likes a bike that is big for him when he's
riding fast. He likes not to be able to reach the ground unless he comes off
the saddle. I wasn't the sort of child that picks themselves up after a
fall and jumps back on. I never liked not feeling safe, and lose confidence
easily. But you'd have thought the fact that I couldn't get onto the saddle
without being lifted should have given him a hint.
#1 commented on this incident in relation to something else a few years
later and said that dad felt it was more important #3 should have a bike
because he was a boy. I don't know whether this was true.
Probably more relevent to whether I'd got my bike back, I would have made
considerably less fuss at having my bike taken than my brother would have
made at giving it back. Which was probably why my mum went along with it,
because she goes out of her way not to rile him because he's too good at the
massive sulk.

Basicaly after trying a few times I fell badly on the ground (I've still got
the scar) I lost confidence in riding and I didn't ride a bike again until
college-over 10 years later.

Debbie


  #12  
Old January 29th 09, 12:34 AM posted to misc.kids
Penny Gaines[_2_]
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 124
Default A bike

Welches wrote:[snip]
Probably more relevent to whether I'd got my bike back, I would have made
considerably less fuss at having my bike taken than my brother would have
made at giving it back. Which was probably why my mum went along with it,
because she goes out of her way not to rile him because he's too good at the
massive sulk.

[snip]

We have a similar problem in that we have two quite strong-willed
children and a third who will quickly give in to keep the peace.

It can be quite difficult to say to A that even though B will go along
with A's choice, we are doing B's choice. Sometimes we even have to ask
B when the others aren't around otherwise A will pipe up with an option
before B has said anything, and then B will go along with that one.

Actually it is not very similar, because we are trying to make things
fair on B, whereas in your situation it wasn't made fair.

--
Penny Gaines
UK mum to three
  #13  
Old January 29th 09, 12:30 PM posted to misc.kids
Welches
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 849
Default A bike


"Penny Gaines" wrote in message
...
Welches wrote:[snip]
Probably more relevent to whether I'd got my bike back, I would have made
considerably less fuss at having my bike taken than my brother would have
made at giving it back. Which was probably why my mum went along with it,
because she goes out of her way not to rile him because he's too good at
the massive sulk.

[snip]

We have a similar problem in that we have two quite strong-willed children
and a third who will quickly give in to keep the peace.

It can be quite difficult to say to A that even though B will go along
with A's choice, we are doing B's choice. Sometimes we even have to ask B
when the others aren't around otherwise A will pipe up with an option
before B has said anything, and then B will go along with that one.

Actually it is not very similar, because we are trying to make things fair
on B, whereas in your situation it wasn't made fair.

Well done for noticing really. I don't think my mum noticed until I pointed
out 18 months ago.
It wasn't even making sure I was asked on my own generally. It was
consulting me and then coming back to me and saying that we're doing the
other for my brother. What happened 18 months ago was I was staying with my
parents with the children(which I do about 2x a year, and they stay similar
with me) and I got asked three times and each time a few minutes later mum
came back to say the other option was happening because my brother objected.
(he's at my parents about every other weekend) For once I objected strongly.
(on the third go)
After that I decided that if I minded then I would say so.

But now I notice is that if he agrees without too major a strop I'll get
told how obliging he is (he only sulked rather than a noisy strop) whereas
if I say that I mind (and I usually state it rather than noisily) I get put
down as awkward.

I don't think I can win on this.
Debbie


  #14  
Old January 29th 09, 02:59 PM posted to misc.kids
Rosalie B.
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 984
Default A bike

"Welches" wrote:


"Penny Gaines" wrote in message
...
Welches wrote:[snip]
Probably more relevent to whether I'd got my bike back, I would have made
considerably less fuss at having my bike taken than my brother would have
made at giving it back. Which was probably why my mum went along with it,
because she goes out of her way not to rile him because he's too good at
the massive sulk.

[snip]

We have a similar problem in that we have two quite strong-willed children
and a third who will quickly give in to keep the peace.

It can be quite difficult to say to A that even though B will go along
with A's choice, we are doing B's choice. Sometimes we even have to ask B
when the others aren't around otherwise A will pipe up with an option
before B has said anything, and then B will go along with that one.

Actually it is not very similar, because we are trying to make things fair
on B, whereas in your situation it wasn't made fair.

Well done for noticing really. I don't think my mum noticed until I pointed
out 18 months ago.
It wasn't even making sure I was asked on my own generally. It was
consulting me and then coming back to me and saying that we're doing the
other for my brother. What happened 18 months ago was I was staying with my
parents with the children(which I do about 2x a year, and they stay similar
with me) and I got asked three times and each time a few minutes later mum
came back to say the other option was happening because my brother objected.
(he's at my parents about every other weekend) For once I objected strongly.
(on the third go)
After that I decided that if I minded then I would say so.

But now I notice is that if he agrees without too major a strop I'll get
told how obliging he is (he only sulked rather than a noisy strop) whereas
if I say that I mind (and I usually state it rather than noisily) I get put
down as awkward.

I don't think I can win on this.
Debbie


No probably not unless you can learn to object without making a fuss
about it. Calmly and without a lot of emphasis, but determinedly.

"No mom, that is not OK with me. We will do it as you and I
originally agreed." And then restate the reason that you picked that
option, but without anger or excitement. This will take time.

Or - have your mom ask your brother first.

Unless you have another sibling who can point out to your mother that
she is being unfair. My sister did that for me - when my mom would
complain to her about something I didn't do that she thought I should
do, my sister would point out that she didn't do that (or did that)
and that mom didn't mind it when she did it (or didn't do it). Or
that it was significantly more difficult for me to do it than it was
for her (my sister) to do it.

It did take time.

  #15  
Old January 29th 09, 03:37 PM posted to misc.kids
Welches
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 849
Default A bike


"Rosalie B." wrote in message
...
"Welches" wrote:


"Penny Gaines" wrote in message
...
Welches wrote:[snip]
Probably more relevent to whether I'd got my bike back, I would have
made
considerably less fuss at having my bike taken than my brother would
have
made at giving it back. Which was probably why my mum went along with
it,
because she goes out of her way not to rile him because he's too good
at
the massive sulk.
[snip]

We have a similar problem in that we have two quite strong-willed
children
and a third who will quickly give in to keep the peace.

It can be quite difficult to say to A that even though B will go along
with A's choice, we are doing B's choice. Sometimes we even have to ask
B
when the others aren't around otherwise A will pipe up with an option
before B has said anything, and then B will go along with that one.

Actually it is not very similar, because we are trying to make things
fair
on B, whereas in your situation it wasn't made fair.

Well done for noticing really. I don't think my mum noticed until I
pointed
out 18 months ago.
It wasn't even making sure I was asked on my own generally. It was
consulting me and then coming back to me and saying that we're doing the
other for my brother. What happened 18 months ago was I was staying with
my
parents with the children(which I do about 2x a year, and they stay
similar
with me) and I got asked three times and each time a few minutes later mum
came back to say the other option was happening because my brother
objected.
(he's at my parents about every other weekend) For once I objected
strongly.
(on the third go)
After that I decided that if I minded then I would say so.

But now I notice is that if he agrees without too major a strop I'll get
told how obliging he is (he only sulked rather than a noisy strop) whereas
if I say that I mind (and I usually state it rather than noisily) I get
put
down as awkward.

I don't think I can win on this.
Debbie


No probably not unless you can learn to object without making a fuss
about it. Calmly and without a lot of emphasis, but determinedly.

Actually I usually do. I rarely lose my temper. It was only on the third
time on that occaion
that I did lose my temper. I think this was pretty much the first time I
had, and I haven't since. But it's still put down as me being awkward and
not going along with it.

"No mom, that is not OK with me. We will do it as you and I
originally agreed." And then restate the reason that you picked that
option, but without anger or excitement. This will take time.

And I'll get "your brother's going through a difficult time..." mum had ben
using this 10 years when I turned round and requested she said "your brother
IS difficult". Mum laughed and agreed... but she still uses it-and it's 10
years after that!

Or - have your mom ask your brother first.

Unless you have another sibling who can point out to your mother that
she is being unfair. My sister did that for me - when my mom would
complain to her about something I didn't do that she thought I should
do, my sister would point out that she didn't do that (or did that)
and that mom didn't mind it when she did it (or didn't do it). Or
that it was significantly more difficult for me to do it than it was
for her (my sister) to do it.

My sister's done this. This was one of the reasons I realised that I wasn't
just being mean to my brother, which was what I was always told if I tried
to fight my corner.
When my sister independently stated some of the things I'd felt, then I
realsied the problem wasn't just my fault.
One of the problems is that mum seems to actually misremember things that
happen-in my brother's favour. If we correct her then she gets quite
indignant. Occasionally I've produced proof (like a photo).

It did take time.

I know. I suspect we haven't that much time in the world though.
Debbie


  #16  
Old January 29th 09, 07:53 PM posted to misc.kids
Rosalie B.
external usenet poster
 
Posts: 984
Default A bike

"Welches" wrote:


"Rosalie B." wrote in message
.. .

snip

"No mom, that is not OK with me. We will do it as you and I
originally agreed." And then restate the reason that you picked that
option, but without anger or excitement. This will take time.

And I'll get "your brother's going through a difficult time..." mum had ben
using this 10 years when I turned round and requested she said "your brother
IS difficult". Mum laughed and agreed... but she still uses it-and it's 10
years after that!

Or - have your mom ask your brother first.

It looks like the best thing to do is have her go to your brother
first. Then you either agree or disagree with what he wants. Tell
her - you go ahead, but I don't think I will participate in that.

Or else you and your sister get together and fight it out with him
directly, without involving your mom.

Unless you have another sibling who can point out to your mother that
she is being unfair. My sister did that for me - when my mom would
complain to her about something I didn't do that she thought I should
do, my sister would point out that she didn't do that (or did that)
and that mom didn't mind it when she did it (or didn't do it). Or
that it was significantly more difficult for me to do it than it was
for her (my sister) to do it.

My sister's done this. This was one of the reasons I realised that I wasn't
just being mean to my brother, which was what I was always told if I tried
to fight my corner.
When my sister independently stated some of the things I'd felt, then I
realsied the problem wasn't just my fault.
One of the problems is that mum seems to actually misremember things that
happen-in my brother's favour. If we correct her then she gets quite
indignant. Occasionally I've produced proof (like a photo).

It did take time.

I know. I suspect we haven't that much time in the world though.
Debbie


My mother wanted to have a lunch locally with my sister's children and
she couldn't get one of my nieces to commit. And her sister (my other
niece) finally said to my mom, "You can't count on her. We just tell
her when and where we are going to be, and if she comes, she comes."
 




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