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#11
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A bike
"Welches" wrote in message ... Three children appoximately 3 years between each of them. #1 and #3 are tall, #2 is small. All use their bikes, although perhaps at that time #3 uses the bike slightly more round the garden. The bikes are not bought new, second hand, and then passed down the family. #1 has just moved onto a new (to them) bike. When #2 is out parent notices that #3 who is also still using stabilisers (in case that's a UK term that's the extra wheels preschoolers use to help them balance) is getting a little too big for him bike. He's still happily using it, but is outgrowing it. So they lower #2's bike down and put the stabilisers on. When #2 comes back, they object to having their bike taken, but parent points out that #1's old bike is available. When #1's old bike is got out, however, even lowered to the lowest point, it is clear that it is too tall to the point of danger and #2 falls off as soon as they try and stop. There is no question of buying another bike for any of them. What do you do? I was interested in the replies because I was #2 here, and I raised this a few years back with my parents and they couldn't really see that I should have found it a problem. So I wondered whether I was mssing something obvious. To answer a few questions: Paying for another bike (even second hand) wouldn't have happened unless I'd asked for one for my birthday/Christmas and I'd just had my birthday and Christmas was 6 months plus away. I can't think of anyone mum could have asked that didn't have a child younger than me. Mum would have thought it rude to ask anyway. If someone had provided a bike it'd have probably been put away for the next Christmas too!!! (I know my parents) It wasn't possible for me and #3 to share the bike as he had training wheels and I didn't. They didn't easily come off without spanners and brute strength! I don't think my mum could do it even. My brother was slow at riding a bike and I think he was at least 2 years before he stopped using them. If he hadn't had them then I probably would have been prepared to ride the bike too low for me. I'd probably only have got it when he didn't want it too. #1's new bike was her first adult bike and even bigger. She was at her full adult height very early. To do my dad justice he quite likes a bike that is big for him when he's riding fast. He likes not to be able to reach the ground unless he comes off the saddle. I wasn't the sort of child that picks themselves up after a fall and jumps back on. I never liked not feeling safe, and lose confidence easily. But you'd have thought the fact that I couldn't get onto the saddle without being lifted should have given him a hint. #1 commented on this incident in relation to something else a few years later and said that dad felt it was more important #3 should have a bike because he was a boy. I don't know whether this was true. Probably more relevent to whether I'd got my bike back, I would have made considerably less fuss at having my bike taken than my brother would have made at giving it back. Which was probably why my mum went along with it, because she goes out of her way not to rile him because he's too good at the massive sulk. Basicaly after trying a few times I fell badly on the ground (I've still got the scar) I lost confidence in riding and I didn't ride a bike again until college-over 10 years later. Debbie |
#12
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A bike
Welches wrote:[snip]
Probably more relevent to whether I'd got my bike back, I would have made considerably less fuss at having my bike taken than my brother would have made at giving it back. Which was probably why my mum went along with it, because she goes out of her way not to rile him because he's too good at the massive sulk. [snip] We have a similar problem in that we have two quite strong-willed children and a third who will quickly give in to keep the peace. It can be quite difficult to say to A that even though B will go along with A's choice, we are doing B's choice. Sometimes we even have to ask B when the others aren't around otherwise A will pipe up with an option before B has said anything, and then B will go along with that one. Actually it is not very similar, because we are trying to make things fair on B, whereas in your situation it wasn't made fair. -- Penny Gaines UK mum to three |
#13
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A bike
"Penny Gaines" wrote in message ... Welches wrote:[snip] Probably more relevent to whether I'd got my bike back, I would have made considerably less fuss at having my bike taken than my brother would have made at giving it back. Which was probably why my mum went along with it, because she goes out of her way not to rile him because he's too good at the massive sulk. [snip] We have a similar problem in that we have two quite strong-willed children and a third who will quickly give in to keep the peace. It can be quite difficult to say to A that even though B will go along with A's choice, we are doing B's choice. Sometimes we even have to ask B when the others aren't around otherwise A will pipe up with an option before B has said anything, and then B will go along with that one. Actually it is not very similar, because we are trying to make things fair on B, whereas in your situation it wasn't made fair. Well done for noticing really. I don't think my mum noticed until I pointed out 18 months ago. It wasn't even making sure I was asked on my own generally. It was consulting me and then coming back to me and saying that we're doing the other for my brother. What happened 18 months ago was I was staying with my parents with the children(which I do about 2x a year, and they stay similar with me) and I got asked three times and each time a few minutes later mum came back to say the other option was happening because my brother objected. (he's at my parents about every other weekend) For once I objected strongly. (on the third go) After that I decided that if I minded then I would say so. But now I notice is that if he agrees without too major a strop I'll get told how obliging he is (he only sulked rather than a noisy strop) whereas if I say that I mind (and I usually state it rather than noisily) I get put down as awkward. I don't think I can win on this. Debbie |
#14
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A bike
"Welches" wrote:
"Penny Gaines" wrote in message ... Welches wrote:[snip] Probably more relevent to whether I'd got my bike back, I would have made considerably less fuss at having my bike taken than my brother would have made at giving it back. Which was probably why my mum went along with it, because she goes out of her way not to rile him because he's too good at the massive sulk. [snip] We have a similar problem in that we have two quite strong-willed children and a third who will quickly give in to keep the peace. It can be quite difficult to say to A that even though B will go along with A's choice, we are doing B's choice. Sometimes we even have to ask B when the others aren't around otherwise A will pipe up with an option before B has said anything, and then B will go along with that one. Actually it is not very similar, because we are trying to make things fair on B, whereas in your situation it wasn't made fair. Well done for noticing really. I don't think my mum noticed until I pointed out 18 months ago. It wasn't even making sure I was asked on my own generally. It was consulting me and then coming back to me and saying that we're doing the other for my brother. What happened 18 months ago was I was staying with my parents with the children(which I do about 2x a year, and they stay similar with me) and I got asked three times and each time a few minutes later mum came back to say the other option was happening because my brother objected. (he's at my parents about every other weekend) For once I objected strongly. (on the third go) After that I decided that if I minded then I would say so. But now I notice is that if he agrees without too major a strop I'll get told how obliging he is (he only sulked rather than a noisy strop) whereas if I say that I mind (and I usually state it rather than noisily) I get put down as awkward. I don't think I can win on this. Debbie No probably not unless you can learn to object without making a fuss about it. Calmly and without a lot of emphasis, but determinedly. "No mom, that is not OK with me. We will do it as you and I originally agreed." And then restate the reason that you picked that option, but without anger or excitement. This will take time. Or - have your mom ask your brother first. Unless you have another sibling who can point out to your mother that she is being unfair. My sister did that for me - when my mom would complain to her about something I didn't do that she thought I should do, my sister would point out that she didn't do that (or did that) and that mom didn't mind it when she did it (or didn't do it). Or that it was significantly more difficult for me to do it than it was for her (my sister) to do it. It did take time. |
#15
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A bike
"Rosalie B." wrote in message ... "Welches" wrote: "Penny Gaines" wrote in message ... Welches wrote:[snip] Probably more relevent to whether I'd got my bike back, I would have made considerably less fuss at having my bike taken than my brother would have made at giving it back. Which was probably why my mum went along with it, because she goes out of her way not to rile him because he's too good at the massive sulk. [snip] We have a similar problem in that we have two quite strong-willed children and a third who will quickly give in to keep the peace. It can be quite difficult to say to A that even though B will go along with A's choice, we are doing B's choice. Sometimes we even have to ask B when the others aren't around otherwise A will pipe up with an option before B has said anything, and then B will go along with that one. Actually it is not very similar, because we are trying to make things fair on B, whereas in your situation it wasn't made fair. Well done for noticing really. I don't think my mum noticed until I pointed out 18 months ago. It wasn't even making sure I was asked on my own generally. It was consulting me and then coming back to me and saying that we're doing the other for my brother. What happened 18 months ago was I was staying with my parents with the children(which I do about 2x a year, and they stay similar with me) and I got asked three times and each time a few minutes later mum came back to say the other option was happening because my brother objected. (he's at my parents about every other weekend) For once I objected strongly. (on the third go) After that I decided that if I minded then I would say so. But now I notice is that if he agrees without too major a strop I'll get told how obliging he is (he only sulked rather than a noisy strop) whereas if I say that I mind (and I usually state it rather than noisily) I get put down as awkward. I don't think I can win on this. Debbie No probably not unless you can learn to object without making a fuss about it. Calmly and without a lot of emphasis, but determinedly. Actually I usually do. I rarely lose my temper. It was only on the third time on that occaion that I did lose my temper. I think this was pretty much the first time I had, and I haven't since. But it's still put down as me being awkward and not going along with it. "No mom, that is not OK with me. We will do it as you and I originally agreed." And then restate the reason that you picked that option, but without anger or excitement. This will take time. And I'll get "your brother's going through a difficult time..." mum had ben using this 10 years when I turned round and requested she said "your brother IS difficult". Mum laughed and agreed... but she still uses it-and it's 10 years after that! Or - have your mom ask your brother first. Unless you have another sibling who can point out to your mother that she is being unfair. My sister did that for me - when my mom would complain to her about something I didn't do that she thought I should do, my sister would point out that she didn't do that (or did that) and that mom didn't mind it when she did it (or didn't do it). Or that it was significantly more difficult for me to do it than it was for her (my sister) to do it. My sister's done this. This was one of the reasons I realised that I wasn't just being mean to my brother, which was what I was always told if I tried to fight my corner. When my sister independently stated some of the things I'd felt, then I realsied the problem wasn't just my fault. One of the problems is that mum seems to actually misremember things that happen-in my brother's favour. If we correct her then she gets quite indignant. Occasionally I've produced proof (like a photo). It did take time. I know. I suspect we haven't that much time in the world though. Debbie |
#16
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A bike
"Welches" wrote:
"Rosalie B." wrote in message .. . snip "No mom, that is not OK with me. We will do it as you and I originally agreed." And then restate the reason that you picked that option, but without anger or excitement. This will take time. And I'll get "your brother's going through a difficult time..." mum had ben using this 10 years when I turned round and requested she said "your brother IS difficult". Mum laughed and agreed... but she still uses it-and it's 10 years after that! Or - have your mom ask your brother first. It looks like the best thing to do is have her go to your brother first. Then you either agree or disagree with what he wants. Tell her - you go ahead, but I don't think I will participate in that. Or else you and your sister get together and fight it out with him directly, without involving your mom. Unless you have another sibling who can point out to your mother that she is being unfair. My sister did that for me - when my mom would complain to her about something I didn't do that she thought I should do, my sister would point out that she didn't do that (or did that) and that mom didn't mind it when she did it (or didn't do it). Or that it was significantly more difficult for me to do it than it was for her (my sister) to do it. My sister's done this. This was one of the reasons I realised that I wasn't just being mean to my brother, which was what I was always told if I tried to fight my corner. When my sister independently stated some of the things I'd felt, then I realsied the problem wasn't just my fault. One of the problems is that mum seems to actually misremember things that happen-in my brother's favour. If we correct her then she gets quite indignant. Occasionally I've produced proof (like a photo). It did take time. I know. I suspect we haven't that much time in the world though. Debbie My mother wanted to have a lunch locally with my sister's children and she couldn't get one of my nieces to commit. And her sister (my other niece) finally said to my mom, "You can't count on her. We just tell her when and where we are going to be, and if she comes, she comes." |
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