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Need a couple of ideas and resources



 
 
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  #11  
Old September 17th 04, 02:22 AM
Joelle
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default

Okay bebel you really are an idiot and I was right to give up on you a long
time ago, but let's get some things straight.

You are blaming her for her sons mental illness and I am appalled


Yea, that's right. That's why I said this wasn't her fault. She asked if
there was something she was missing. I suggested that maybe her son didn't
feel as close to her lover as she does and would like him to be. Sometimes
parents are so anxious that everyone be one big happy family that they don't
see everything.

She was confused as to why her son would say he was she left him alone when he
had her boyfriend who loved him. I'm suggesting that he's not as close to her
boyfriend as she might think and to him, it felt alone. No way did I say that
was her fault. Boys and mothers are complicated things.

Geesh. You can abuse me all you want and dismiss me and call me mean and
judgmental filter me and all kinds of things, but my guess is, I'm probably
know more what Kitcat is going through than anyone else here. Ironic eh?

Not that I care...... Heh


I'll say some prayers for your grandchild tonight. God knows she needs them.

Joelle
The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St
Augustine
Joelle
  #12  
Old September 17th 04, 02:30 AM
Tiffany
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default


"Bebelestrnge0721" wrote in message
...
Subject: Need a couple of ideas and resources
From: (Pacobr549)
Date: 9/16/2004 7:43 PM Eastern Standard Time
Message-id: 20040916194328.15331.00000623@
He's not his stepdad.


says who you ?

You aren't married.


and so ?

He may love your kid, but he's
not
his dad or his stepdad.


I do not believe she called him his dad?
the definition of stepdad : indeed uses the term married in the

definition,
why must you be so politically correct when you know there is a large

number of
HEALTHY non traditional family units? Must you nit pick someones family
beliefs? A political or religious ceremony does not define the term Family
anymore. A marriage certificate does not make a family.


He's not a replacement for you. I'm not saying
there
was anything you could do about it, you can't help being sick and having

to
leave him, but you need to understand (and I tried to say this before

when
you
got ****ed off and filtered me) that just because you love this guy and

want
to
think he's just as much family to your kid as you are, he's not, not in

your
kids eye. Very often parents assume that their kids should feel lovey

toward
their love interests because they do. But it doesn't necesarily work that
way.
It may just be that part of his anger has something to do with this
difference
between him and you as to who this guy is in your life. Before you get
defensive and ****ed off, just think about it.



In many cases the "step parent" which IS the term used in these non
traditional households is a more loving more dedicated ,more supportive ,

and
most definately a healthier parental figure than some biological parents.

You
would deny a child the parental love of someone solely because there is no
marriage certificate? How sad is that ? JMHO

I am betting dollars to donuts that slykitten would not have left her son

with
the man if there was a poor relationship between them and furthermore you
belittle her judgement as a parent to suggest she would. You also suggest

she
further distresses her sons condition by expecting him to be lovey with

her
love interest, which I am sure she that has gone to such lengths to

support and
help her son would not be carelessly adding fuel to the fires of this

childs
anger. I happen to know first hand that when a child has a raging mental

health
condition the child snaps out over the slightest of things. Many mental

health
conditions include a very narcistic sp ?
attitude. You are blaming her for her sons mental illness and I am

appalled .I
already know you don't care what I think or feel but then the feeling is

mutual
I am sure. Why did you bother to respond at all if you can't get off your
pedastal and stop blaming parents that come here for advice . There is no

way
in hell I will ever believe YOU have never made a mistake or fallen off

track
emotionally in your life, what is with you ? Not that I care...... Heh


Hold on there.... . you might want to read her post before replying. This
person did not slam anyone. She suggested that sly might want to consider
that the child is not totally into this step-father. Only Sly can say that
for sure and I am sure she will. Plus where does she say that one should
deny parental love because of the absence of a certificate? I think her
point is to consider the child is not dealing well with this new
step-father. And last but not least, where did she blame Sly for her son's
mental illness?

T


  #13  
Old September 17th 04, 03:57 AM
slykitten
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default

do you have any clue about anything??? he IS my son's STEP DAD!!!! he's the
ONLY DAD my son has EVER known! He became DAD when my son was 15 months old
and he accepted US. Yes, he IS STEP DAD.

--
"Many have forgotten this truth, but you must not forget it.
You remain responsible, forever, for what you have tamed."
~Antoine de Saint-Exupery
"Pacobr549" wrote in message
...
my son had similar
problems.

You may need to try lots of different meds and different therapists. It

took
awile before we found a good fit.

I don't know how old your son is. My son started after his dad died at

ll.
He's 16 now and things are much better but he's always going to be a

little
different and have to learn to control his temper or suffer the

consequences if
he doesn't.

My son also was hospitalized for awhile.

There's no easy fix. People who don't understand will assume you are

doing
something wrong and if you just did the right thing,
this would all go away. You may think that. The truth is, you can do
everything you can, and it still won't go away. It's not like an

infection
where you take antibiotics and everything is back to normal.

It sounds like you are doing everything you can. There was a time when if

he
didn't get better, I would have sent him away (residential treatment) for

his
own good, my good and his
sister's good. It didn't come to that but if it comes to that for you,

you
to accept its best for everyone and not feel guilty.

And one more thing and this is where you will probably think you are being
judged and abused but I have to say it...



The
reality is that his step-dad who loves him very much took me to the

hospital
where my friend met me and he took the kids home to care for them,


He's not his stepdad. You aren't married. He may love your kid, but he's

not
his dad or his stepdad. He's not a replacement for you. I'm not saying

there
was anything you could do about it, you can't help being sick and having

to
leave him, but you need to understand (and I tried to say this before when

you
got ****ed off and filtered me) that just because you love this guy and

want to
think he's just as much family to your kid as you are, he's not, not in

your
kids eye. Very often parents assume that their kids should feel lovey

toward
their love interests because they do. But it doesn't necesarily work that

way.
It may just be that part of his anger has something to do with this

difference
between him and you as to who this guy is in your life. Before you get
defensive and ****ed off, just think about it.



  #14  
Old September 17th 04, 04:11 AM
Joelle
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default

Yes, he IS STEP DAD.

Sigh. Okay. I tried. That's all you heard. That's all you want to focus on.
Good luck. Put me back in your filter. I can offer you no help. I don't
think anyone else can either.

I'm very sorry.

For your son.

Joelle
The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St
Augustine
Joelle
  #15  
Old September 17th 04, 04:21 AM
slykitten
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default

I'll clarify a little.....
My significant other and I have been together for a little over 7 years now.
my son's 8 years and 5 months old. (I toss in the months of age because when
my sig other and I met, my son and I were running for our lives. my sig
other and I were friends for a long time so he knew what was going on and he
begged me to leave the marriage before one of us got killed. my sister
begged me to leave my ex and so did my parents. I finally left after my
grandma had a talk with me about what the abuse was doing to me and my son.
So I left. I had to do it in a hurry while my ex was at work and while he
was convinced that I was going on a small vacation. my sig other supported
me emotionally because he knew that this was a very tough thing I was doing.
the fact that we ended up together was actually something of an accident.
I'm thankful for that accident.... we didn't know we'd fallen in love
until.... well, until it was the 3 of us. it had always been the 3of us. we
were never a couple, always a trio. I don't believe in marriage, I believe
in a yearly handfast. Political correctness is for.... well, nevermind. As
far as I'm concerned, the ring and the certificate mean nothing other than
ownership. it's just proof of ownership. That's all. we don't own each
other. we're free to leave. I love him and he loves us. I've never had to
try and convince myself of that. I've never had to second guess any "vows of
marriage" My promise is that so long as our paths are together, so shall we
be together but should our paths part, so shall we part and be free. We give
to each other something very precious. When I got sick, I got really scared.
I was more scared this past weekend than I've ever been in my entire life.
I'd never known that any person could suffer so much from an infection. I
was so afraid that I wasn't going home. How would they go on without me? How
would my son cope? What about my girls? I've found myself increasingly
saddened when I think about why my son acts out, the kind of fear he must've
felt.... I"m feeling a lot of stuff right now. I don't mean to bite at
anyone.... I'm also not gonna filter anyone. It's not worth it I've decided.
Like I said, I'm feeling a lot of stuff right now so I'll tell ya up front,
I'm sensitive right now. So I've read through this thread and will answer as
I can because I've gotten lots of good stuff here. Thanks!

--
"Many have forgotten this truth, but you must not forget it.
You remain responsible, forever, for what you have tamed."
~Antoine de Saint-Exupery
"Tiffany" wrote in message
...

"Bebelestrnge0721" wrote in message
...
Subject: Need a couple of ideas and resources
From: (Pacobr549)
Date: 9/16/2004 7:43 PM Eastern Standard Time
Message-id: 20040916194328.15331.00000623@
He's not his stepdad.


says who you ?

You aren't married.


and so ?

He may love your kid, but he's
not
his dad or his stepdad.


I do not believe she called him his dad?
the definition of stepdad : indeed uses the term married in the

definition,
why must you be so politically correct when you know there is a large

number of
HEALTHY non traditional family units? Must you nit pick someones family
beliefs? A political or religious ceremony does not define the term

Family
anymore. A marriage certificate does not make a family.


He's not a replacement for you. I'm not saying
there
was anything you could do about it, you can't help being sick and

having
to
leave him, but you need to understand (and I tried to say this before

when
you
got ****ed off and filtered me) that just because you love this guy and

want
to
think he's just as much family to your kid as you are, he's not, not in

your
kids eye. Very often parents assume that their kids should feel lovey

toward
their love interests because they do. But it doesn't necesarily work

that
way.
It may just be that part of his anger has something to do with this
difference
between him and you as to who this guy is in your life. Before you get
defensive and ****ed off, just think about it.



In many cases the "step parent" which IS the term used in these non
traditional households is a more loving more dedicated ,more supportive

,
and
most definately a healthier parental figure than some biological

parents.
You
would deny a child the parental love of someone solely because there is

no
marriage certificate? How sad is that ? JMHO

I am betting dollars to donuts that slykitten would not have left her

son
with
the man if there was a poor relationship between them and furthermore

you
belittle her judgement as a parent to suggest she would. You also

suggest
she
further distresses her sons condition by expecting him to be lovey with

her
love interest, which I am sure she that has gone to such lengths to

support and
help her son would not be carelessly adding fuel to the fires of this

childs
anger. I happen to know first hand that when a child has a raging mental

health
condition the child snaps out over the slightest of things. Many mental

health
conditions include a very narcistic sp ?
attitude. You are blaming her for her sons mental illness and I am

appalled .I
already know you don't care what I think or feel but then the feeling is

mutual
I am sure. Why did you bother to respond at all if you can't get off

your
pedastal and stop blaming parents that come here for advice . There is

no
way
in hell I will ever believe YOU have never made a mistake or fallen off

track
emotionally in your life, what is with you ? Not that I care...... Heh



Hold on there.... . you might want to read her post before replying. This
person did not slam anyone. She suggested that sly might want to consider
that the child is not totally into this step-father. Only Sly can say that
for sure and I am sure she will. Plus where does she say that one should
deny parental love because of the absence of a certificate? I think her
point is to consider the child is not dealing well with this new
step-father. And last but not least, where did she blame Sly for her son's
mental illness?

T




  #16  
Old September 17th 04, 04:22 AM
Bebelestrnge0721
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default

Subject: Need a couple of ideas and resources
From: oaway (Joelle)
Date: 9/16/2004 9:22 PM Eastern Standard Time
Message-id:

Okay bebel you really are an idiot and I was right to give up on you a long
time ago, but let's get some things straight.


No Joelle I am not an idiot, get that straight.

You are blaming her for her sons mental illness and I am appalled

Yea, that's right. That's why I said this wasn't her fault. She asked if
there was something she was missing. I suggested that maybe her son didn't
feel as close to her lover as she does and would like him to be. Sometimes
parents are so anxious that everyone be one big happy family that they don't
see everything.

She was confused as to why her son would say he was she left him alone when
he
had her boyfriend who loved him. I'm suggesting that he's not as close to
her
boyfriend as she might think and to him, it felt alone. No way did I say
that
was her fault. Boys and mothers are complicated things.


O.K. I see where you said it was not her fault, I missed that somehow, I let
the way you belittled her choices and used her relationship as a possible
scapegoat for her sons behavior bringing me to feel you blamed her for his
illness , sorry and I know when to admit I am wrong.
I also have experienced some of the same behaviors she described with my
daughter, she would go to school and tell her teachers there was no food in the
house when the reality was there was not what she preferred to eat she had
wiped her favorites out already.She has also used the left home alone , and she
hates living with me, as well the doctors themselves told me it was part of her
illness , that she truly believes these things or is looking for the attention
she needed to take attention off of her behaviors she was being called on. I
was also told that people with mental illnesses are clever and manipulative as
well. I going on what I know saw it as you blamed her lifestyle as a trigger to
his behaviors, thus the blaming her for his illness. Your first post where you
state she had you filtered did not irk my craw, it was the second where you had
to take it that step where I think you know is judgemental and damn you just
can't help yourself can you?

Geesh. You can abuse me all you want and dismiss me and call me mean and
judgmental filter me and all kinds of things, but my guess is, I'm probably
know more what Kitcat is going through than anyone else here. Ironic eh?


No not ironic, I am sorry to hear that your family has been touched by mental
illness, it is something only people that have been there and are living with
it can understand.
I do as well.

Not that I care...... Heh


I'll say some prayers for your grandchild tonight. God knows she needs them.


You know Joelle keep your prayers, your god is not the god I know. Nor the god
that blessed our family with this child to love.
the name is Bev get that straight.

Joelle
The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St
Augustine
Joelle








  #17  
Old September 17th 04, 04:27 AM
Bebelestrnge0721
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default

Subject: Need a couple of ideas and resources
From: "Tiffany"
Date: 9/16/2004 9:30 PM Eastern Standard Time
Message-id:


"Bebelestrnge0721" wrote in message
...
Subject: Need a couple of ideas and resources
From:
(Pacobr549)
Date: 9/16/2004 7:43 PM Eastern Standard Time
Message-id: 20040916194328.15331.00000623@
He's not his stepdad.


says who you ?

You aren't married.


and so ?

He may love your kid, but he's
not
his dad or his stepdad.


I do not believe she called him his dad?
the definition of stepdad : indeed uses the term married in the

definition,
why must you be so politically correct when you know there is a large

number of
HEALTHY non traditional family units? Must you nit pick someones family
beliefs? A political or religious ceremony does not define the term Family
anymore. A marriage certificate does not make a family.


He's not a replacement for you. I'm not saying
there
was anything you could do about it, you can't help being sick and having

to
leave him, but you need to understand (and I tried to say this before

when
you
got ****ed off and filtered me) that just because you love this guy and

want
to
think he's just as much family to your kid as you are, he's not, not in

your
kids eye. Very often parents assume that their kids should feel lovey

toward
their love interests because they do. But it doesn't necesarily work that
way.
It may just be that part of his anger has something to do with this
difference
between him and you as to who this guy is in your life. Before you get
defensive and ****ed off, just think about it.



In many cases the "step parent" which IS the term used in these non
traditional households is a more loving more dedicated ,more supportive ,

and
most definately a healthier parental figure than some biological parents.

You
would deny a child the parental love of someone solely because there is no
marriage certificate? How sad is that ? JMHO

I am betting dollars to donuts that slykitten would not have left her son

with
the man if there was a poor relationship between them and furthermore you
belittle her judgement as a parent to suggest she would. You also suggest

she
further distresses her sons condition by expecting him to be lovey with

her
love interest, which I am sure she that has gone to such lengths to

support and
help her son would not be carelessly adding fuel to the fires of this

childs
anger. I happen to know first hand that when a child has a raging mental

health
condition the child snaps out over the slightest of things. Many mental

health
conditions include a very narcistic sp ?
attitude. You are blaming her for her sons mental illness and I am

appalled .I
already know you don't care what I think or feel but then the feeling is

mutual
I am sure. Why did you bother to respond at all if you can't get off your
pedastal and stop blaming parents that come here for advice . There is no

way
in hell I will ever believe YOU have never made a mistake or fallen off

track
emotionally in your life, what is with you ? Not that I care...... Heh



Hold on there.... . you might want to read her post before replying.


I did read her post, the one she typed second, where in her Joelle kind of way
.....

This
person did not slam anyone.


She did too twist the knife

She suggested that sly might want to consider
that the child is not totally into this step-father. Only Sly can say that
for sure and I am sure she will. Plus where does she say that one should
deny parental love because of the absence of a certificate? I think her
point is to consider the child is not dealing well with this new
step-father. And last but not least, where did she blame Sly for her son's
mental illness?

T










  #18  
Old September 17th 04, 04:32 AM
slykitten
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default



--
"Many have forgotten this truth, but you must not forget it.
You remain responsible, forever, for what you have tamed."
~Antoine de Saint-Exupery
"Purchgdss" wrote in message
...
1) he's under the care of a psychiatrist for his meds
2) he's on meds (a cocktail really)
3) he's been in the hospital for certain behaviors that are concerning

that
needed immediate attention and got immediate attention.
4) we have a social worker
5) we have a therapist (in-home psychologist who is helping me with both
parenting, coping and behavior modification skills for this kiddo)
6) I've learned safe restraint techniques for when he becomes violent

(which
thankfully isn't all that often anymore)
7) he's on a behavior mod plan in school
8) he has a great IEP


Based on what his diagnosis is and how old he is, would be how to proceed.
I've had these similar issues and life events with my own son. But from

the
little you have shared, I suggest researching "Reactive Attachment

Disorder".

Never heard of it but it's definately something I'll be looking up and
reading about. I know I've shared "little" but I'm also extending some
feelers out right now to get a little more of an idea about the group. I
still consider myself very new here.


So what am I missing? Why does this kid constantly tell people that he

hates
living with me? This past weekend I was in the hospital.... very sick. I
have diverticulitis which I found out is aparently pretty rare in people
under the age of 30.... I'll be 29 on Sunday. My son threw a fit and told
some people at his school about how I left him alone with no one around.

The
reality is that his step-dad who loves him very much took me to the

hospital
where my friend met me and he took the kids home to care for them,

knowing
that my friend was with me. He explained to my son on the way to the
hospital that mommy is sick and needs to be taken care of by special

doctors
who can help mommy's tummy get better with special medicine that gets rid

of
infection. I was gone only 3 days. I just don't get it.
Over Labor day weekend, I visited with my parents and when my son threw a
fit in the middle of a Wal Mart store, he had to be restrained until he

was
calmed down... I actually asked the door greeter to call in a manager and
security guard to help me.... Are there resources out there that I may be
missing? Is this something that's just behavioral or was this something
resembling sort of like a seizure?
I'm coming out of lurk at the risk of being massively flamed and

attacked.
What I'm actually doing is asking for help, ideas, resources, links and

any
other ideas and advice anyone is willing to offer and share.


It could be that your hospital stay freaked him out and he reacted by

going
into "self-preservation" mode. Crazy lying and false accusations are

hallmarks
of Reactive Attachment Disorder. Check out the behaviors list and if he

meets
enough of the criteria start exploring the options.


I definately agree that the hospital stay freaked him out. He's never seen
me so sick. I know that he wanted to visit and the visit he had with me on
Saturday was pretty short. I enjoyed hugging him and I was reassuring him
that I was ok and that I'll be better soon. He was clingy but I was in and
out of a fog. I'll be honest, the pains of labor are a welcome memory to the
pains of this nasty little disease. at least I've got 3 great kids to show
for it!


I must say, this mental illness is not a "doom & gloom" thing, they CAN

get
better. My son is proof.



No, Mental Illness isn't doom and gloom.... In fact, it's one of the most
common ailments and one of the least understood. I've got a really good
therapist for my son, and a very good psychiatrist. I like to think of it as
a team effort.... the Psychiatrist, the GP, the therapist, the school social
worker, the teachers, the resource center at the dept of social services, my
sig other, my parents.... it does help. I've done stuff for myself to ensure
that I'm able to handle issues properly.... I'm in counseling myself....
I've been through anger management classes (to understand my own
frustrations and anger issues along with my son's anger issues and violent
outbursts) and parenting classes....I've worked with social workers in the
past to give me ideas, resources and help.... I've stopped being afraid of
social services and I've actually embraced their help. I'm not afraid to
ask.

Just my 2 cents.........
Christine



  #19  
Old September 17th 04, 04:34 AM
slykitten
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default

T,
Thanks for making this post show through. I set aside my initial reaction
and just read on. I just want to say Thanks to Joelle for at least knowing
my position and knowing what I'm dealing with and knowing it's not easy.

--
"Many have forgotten this truth, but you must not forget it.
You remain responsible, forever, for what you have tamed."
~Antoine de Saint-Exupery
"Tiffany" wrote in message
...
We will just make the post appear.

T
"Joelle" wrote in message
...
I know Slykitten has me filtered but someone should tell her my son had

similar
problems.

She may need to try lots of different meds and different therapists. It

took
awile before we found a good fit.

I don't know how old her son is. My son started after his dad died at

ll.
He's 16 now and things are much better but he's always going to be a

little
different and have to learn to control his temper or suffer the

consequences if
he doesn't.

My son also was hospitalized for awhile.

Basically tell her I said there's no easy fix. People who don't

understand
will assume she's doing something wrong and if she just did the right

thing,
this would all go away. She may think that. The truth is, you can do
everything you can, and it still won't go away. It's not like an

infection
where you take antibiotics and everything is back to normal.

It sounds like she's doing everything she can. There was a time when if

he
didn't get better, I would have sent him away for his own good, my good

and his
sister's good. It didn't come to that but if it comes to that for her,

she has
to accept its best for everyone.

This is not her fault. **** happens.

Joelle
The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St
Augustine
Joelle





  #20  
Old September 17th 04, 04:37 AM
Joelle
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default

Like I said, I'm feeling a lot of stuff right now so I'll tell ya up front,
I'm sensitive right now.


Listen, I'm really not trying to bust your butt, and I'm serious about how I'm
probably the one person who knows what you are going through.

You don't have to agree with me politically or argue semantics about
relationships to consider what I said, and open up a discussion with your son
about why he felt abandoned, even though the man you consider a father to him
was with him.

What I mostly want to get through to you is that the field of mental health is
not a science, I'm not sure it's even an art, the past five years has shown me
how much they don't know and are really just guessing. I mean this has no
disrespect to those in the mental health field, but I think sometimes we've put
too much faith in them. And they always seem to blame the mother (thank you
Freud -asshole) so I can see how you would be defensive. Trust me, anything I
said, was not in a blaming way - just trying to help you see things in a
different light.

The fact is, it may not get better right away. I can't even tell you your son
will get better. I can tell you it got better for my son but I still worry
about how he will have a normal independent life.

I understand the wish for some other resource, doctor, therapist, pill,
ANYTHING to make your kid normal. Maybe there is, don't stop looking. But
maybe there isn't. Other people looking in will blame you. You have to just
tell yourself they don't know what you know but try not to get defensive
because it makes you crazy, makes you look crazy and makes you blind and deaf.

Really I'm not your enemy.

Joelle
The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St
Augustine
Joelle
 




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