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#1
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Feeling Overwhelmed
Hi Everyone,
I'm a divorced Dad who has always been very involved with my 2 great kids (8 and 4). I've been living away from my kids (not my choice) since spring 2005 and am since divorced. My ex has custody (standard in Spain). My ex and I have kept the good of the kids in mind during all the whole process of separation and divorce, and I still go to the house that the ex and I own every weekday to get the up and to school (since ex starts work very early) and have them at my place for a long lunch every day, plus every other weekend, etc. After the separation, I started a relationship with a great widow, C, who's husband passed away a few years ago. She has 2 kids (13 and 8). We moved in together at the start of the school year, and just moved into a new house together a few weeks ago. C's kids are typically Spanish - very loud, impolite (from an American point of view - at a guess kind of what US kids would seem like to Japanese parents), and they are also very high energy. After their Dad died, they of course were spoiled to death by everyone, and C is not much in the discipline department (although GREAT in the love and organization department), and they are now good hearted kids and very hard working and self sufficient. BUT, they are also... spoiled. I recognized that before we moved in, and really thought that a good dose of discipline was exactly what THEY needed. Well, we're two months into living together, and I've already had two days this week where I felt really bummed about how things are working out. Part of it is trying to get them under control. I try talking, hugs, support, encouragement, but also call them when they are doing things wrong. For them, I understand it's tough - they moved away from their town to come to mine, have to adjust to new schools and new friends, and they are now being discipled at home. We've had continuous run ins, and it's wearing me down. Also, although the kids have always pretty much gotten along together before, moving to the new house seems to have disturbed the balance. E.g. they share rooms (we have a room for the boys, one for the girls, and one for us old folk), and I've heard from both of mine that they were told by their "roommates" that the room belonged to THEM (C's kids) in no uncertain terms. There are fights over the computers, the play stations, the toys, the books, the TV... in short, they are all in "power grab" mode. Also, before C and I moved in together, lunch time was me making a quick, healthy lunch and then spending time with the kids (leaving the plates for at night). I now am making lunch for 4 kids, one of whom arrives later, and cleanup has to be done directly so that the kitchen is clean when C arrives, and the whole process now takes up almost all of the long (1PM - 3 PM) lunch. I feel disconnected from my kids. Please let me hear from people who successfully made this kind of switch - what can I do to make the process better?!?!? Thanks, Ed |
#2
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Feeling Overwhelmed
You can stop trying to be their parent. You're not their parent.
Their mother needs to be their parent, which she may or may not be doing. And if you thought that you could take a couple of kids who lost their father and move them away from their home, away from their school, away from their friends, and into a house where some nobody (that's you) is going to start disciplining them and telling them what to do, then you got bigger issues to deal with then a couple of kids who are reacting like............... well, like kids. wrote in message oups.com... Hi Everyone, I'm a divorced Dad who has always been very involved with my 2 great kids (8 and 4). I've been living away from my kids (not my choice) since spring 2005 and am since divorced. My ex has custody (standard in Spain). My ex and I have kept the good of the kids in mind during all the whole process of separation and divorce, and I still go to the house that the ex and I own every weekday to get the up and to school (since ex starts work very early) and have them at my place for a long lunch every day, plus every other weekend, etc. After the separation, I started a relationship with a great widow, C, who's husband passed away a few years ago. She has 2 kids (13 and 8). We moved in together at the start of the school year, and just moved into a new house together a few weeks ago. C's kids are typically Spanish - very loud, impolite (from an American point of view - at a guess kind of what US kids would seem like to Japanese parents), and they are also very high energy. After their Dad died, they of course were spoiled to death by everyone, and C is not much in the discipline department (although GREAT in the love and organization department), and they are now good hearted kids and very hard working and self sufficient. BUT, they are also... spoiled. I recognized that before we moved in, and really thought that a good dose of discipline was exactly what THEY needed. Well, we're two months into living together, and I've already had two days this week where I felt really bummed about how things are working out. Part of it is trying to get them under control. I try talking, hugs, support, encouragement, but also call them when they are doing things wrong. For them, I understand it's tough - they moved away from their town to come to mine, have to adjust to new schools and new friends, and they are now being discipled at home. We've had continuous run ins, and it's wearing me down. Also, although the kids have always pretty much gotten along together before, moving to the new house seems to have disturbed the balance. E.g. they share rooms (we have a room for the boys, one for the girls, and one for us old folk), and I've heard from both of mine that they were told by their "roommates" that the room belonged to THEM (C's kids) in no uncertain terms. There are fights over the computers, the play stations, the toys, the books, the TV... in short, they are all in "power grab" mode. Also, before C and I moved in together, lunch time was me making a quick, healthy lunch and then spending time with the kids (leaving the plates for at night). I now am making lunch for 4 kids, one of whom arrives later, and cleanup has to be done directly so that the kitchen is clean when C arrives, and the whole process now takes up almost all of the long (1PM - 3 PM) lunch. I feel disconnected from my kids. Please let me hear from people who successfully made this kind of switch - what can I do to make the process better?!?!? Thanks, Ed |
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