If this is your first visit, be sure to check out the FAQ by clicking the link above. You may have to register before you can post: click the register link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. |
|
|
Thread Tools | Display Modes |
#31
|
|||
|
|||
Friendship problem for my 9 year old
"Welches" wrote in message ... "Stephanie" wrote in message news:ts_7i.19$fX4.17@trndny03... "Vickie" wrote in message oups.com... On Jun 1, 10:24 am, Jeff wrote: I think what is going on here is that the girl is testing your daughter. She is scared that your daughter will back away or stop acting like her friend. Considering all the stuff she has had to put up with, I don't blame her. So, basically, she is acting normally for 9-year old girl who has had a lot of relationship problems with her mom, her dad and kids at school. You would too if you had all the issues she does. It's not your job or your daughter's job to provide counseling for another person's daughter. That is essentially what she is asking you to do. Part of me is saying that the girl will be in big trouble if someone doesn't step in and help her. Obviously, the mother is not doing it. You might be the only one who will be able to help. Part of me is saying that if you get more involved, you'll only set up yourself and your daughter for more heartache. And you probably won't make a difference. I think I would make a two-part plan. I would call child protective services or what state or local agency protects kids, and fill them in. They may be able to step in and help. It's their job, not yours. Whatever, happens, end of part 1. And I would get a backbone and say that you're not going to let girl see your daughter until the girl and her sister (and maybe the mother, too) get into counseling. If that happens, I would be expecting a lot of acting out when she gets to your home. She is going to test her welcome very much. However, once she knows that she is truly welcome, she may stop acting out so much and have much better behavior. Whether you want to cave in and the girl see your daughter if she doesn't get counseling is up to you to decide later. These are just my thoughts. Jeff- Hide quoted text - - Show quoted text - I appreciate your thoughts. Gosh, calling child protective services. I don't know. I almost want to just pay myself for the girl to go to a therapist, but I don't think I am strong enough to handle a whole set of someone else's problems along with my own family dynamic. Child Protective Services is, indeed, a very scary prospect. Very scary. That said... man knifes mom blood everywhere and 9yo has to phone 911. Someone *else* might do something. But then again, maybe they won't. Counseling over this one event is necessary, to be sure. I would have thought if this was the situation then the police would have been involved and I'd have thought that police would have informed CPS at least. If nothing else some provision must have been made for the children while mum was in hospital. I thought that too. But if you don't know you don't know. I wonder how much you trust the stories she tells. Not saying they're entirely fake, just maybe exaggerated for sympathy. It sounds to me like they do need help, whether or not this is true, but I agree you're not the one to do it. It needs professionals to help properly. As your daughter has other friends now I'd encourage her to keep those friends. It sounds to me as if this other girl could expect her to drop everyone else if they're friends-as you might expect because she probably needs the security of not thinking your daughter might "go off" with someone else. I think I'd explain to my daughter that this other girl has a hard home life-don't need to go into details, she may have had them anyway. Suggest if she tells her anything that upsets her about homelife then to tell someone else-either you or a teacher. Ask her to be kind to her, if she's on her own invite her to join in, maybe do some work together. But at the same time encourage her to walk away if she's being nasty, and not to break with other friends. Make sure she is seeing plenty of other friends so she has plenty of others to go with. And I would speak to the teachers, just to say please watch this friendship, as there has been nastiness here. They should know a bit about the homelife of the other girl anyway. Calling CPS isn't a bad idea, but it does seem hard to do. Is there something like "The Samaritans" (volunteer councelling telephone service in UK) that you could talk it through with? They maight even do the informing the CPS for you so if she says "did you tell them" you can honestly say "no". I wished there was something HERE like that! Debbie I know calling CPS is hard. I have done it. As a child care provider, I am a mandatory reporter. I can share my experience in case it helps you to decide what you need to do. This is how it worked at my state. Don't know if yours is the same. They may take your name. They had to take my name, in my case. I don't know if that is always the case. They do NOT tell the other party who made the report. In my case, I fessed up. The Mom would have been able to figure it out anyway. So details of your story may give a clue to the Mom. They ask you what you heard, saw and whatnot. They do not ask you for your judgments. Very only the facts Maam. Very professional. You really think calling would be ok? Your only decision is to report or not report what you know. THEIR decision is whether or not children need intervention. That can be reassuring. In my opinion, reporting would be better than Ok. If knives are being placed into other human beings bodies in that household, then she is in imminent danger. What would happen, for instance, if she were to try to intervene with her Mom's assault next time? I really don't think the mom has the mind or money to help her children. She has told me she is on a waiting list to get counseling, but it was only in regards to her, not the kids. I agree with you about what the little girl is projecting, which is why I tried to hang in as long as I could. It was when it started to effect my own daughter, who has some issues of her own, that I couldn't deal anymore. Do you have experience with this service? Vickie Good luck, Vickie. This sounds truely awful. |
#32
|
|||
|
|||
Friendship problem for my 9 year old
"Aula" wrote in message ... "Jeff" wrote in message news:Q858i.44$fX4.41@trndny03... Also, the crisis center isn't just for abused females. The crisis centers are also for abused males, too. Well...some are some aren't. The one in Brattleboro VT is very clear in stating that they serve women. They also draw the line at allowing male child above about age 12 into the shelter if the mother flees accompanied by them. IOW, various shelters have various philosophies and battered men are generally underserved, ime, and often discredited by others so less likely to step forward for help. -Aula Not all shelters are motivated so much by lack of sympathy for battered men but by the difficulties of serving both communities. I was positively *amazed* the lengths to which batterers would go to get access to their victims when I worked at a women's shelter. It can be a simple measure of protection. I agree that there is more of a stigma around being a battered man that prevents them from getting help though. |
#33
|
|||
|
|||
Friendship problem for my 9 year old
Stephanie wrote:
"Aula" wrote in message ... "Jeff" wrote in message news:Q858i.44$fX4.41@trndny03... Also, the crisis center isn't just for abused females. The crisis centers are also for abused males, too. Well...some are some aren't. The one in Brattleboro VT is very clear in stating that they serve women. They also draw the line at allowing male child above about age 12 into the shelter if the mother flees accompanied by them. IOW, various shelters have various philosophies and battered men are generally underserved, ime, and often discredited by others so less likely to step forward for help. -Aula Not all shelters are motivated so much by lack of sympathy for battered men but by the difficulties of serving both communities. I was positively *amazed* the lengths to which batterers would go to get access to their victims when I worked at a women's shelter. It can be a simple measure of protection. I agree that there is more of a stigma around being a battered man that prevents them from getting help though. Thanks Stephanie and Aula for your clarifications to my comments. I definitely should have said something like there are some shelters that help men in need. Jeff |
#34
|
|||
|
|||
Friendship problem for my 9 year old
On Jun 2, 4:18 am, "deja.blues" wrote:
"Vickie" wrote in message ups.com... Then, the big news. She told me her daughter really needed my daughter's friendship right now because a couple months ago, her husband, on drugs, came over, while the little girl was there, and attacked her (the mom). She said he had a knife, stabbed her, slashed her neck, threw her around, while she screamed for the little girl to call 911. I was horrified and felt so bad for her. But, as a mom, a kept focusing on her 2 girls and asking if they were getting the therapy they needed. She kept blowing that off and talking about herself and how horrible it was for her. I agree but I was really focused on the little girl who saw all of this happening. I couldn't even figure out if the mom had even tried to get counseling for the girls. Are you sure this is true? She could be making this up to manipulate you and your daughter. God, I didn't even think of that! No, couldn't be. All the details she mentioned with police, etc. Why would someone do that? Vickie |
#35
|
|||
|
|||
Friendship problem for my 9 year old
On Jun 2, 10:18 am, Vickie wrote:
On Jun 2, 4:18 am, "deja.blues" wrote: "Vickie" wrote in message oups.com... Then, the big news. She told me her daughter really needed my daughter's friendship right now because a couple months ago, her husband, on drugs, came over, while the little girl was there, and attacked her (the mom). She said he had a knife, stabbed her, slashed her neck, threw her around, while she screamed for the little girl to call 911. I was horrified and felt so bad for her. But, as a mom, a kept focusing on her 2 girls and asking if they were getting the therapy they needed. She kept blowing that off and talking about herself and how horrible it was for her. I agree but I was really focused on the little girl who saw all of this happening. I couldn't even figure out if the mom had even tried to get counseling for the girls. Are you sure this is true? She could be making this up to manipulate you and your daughter. God, I didn't even think of that! No, couldn't be. All the details she mentioned with police, etc. Why would someone do that? Vickie- Hide quoted text - - Show quoted text - OK. Forget that last question. I guess I just don't want to feel that someone would play me like that, but I guess it is important for me to find out the extent of the situation before I take any steps. Vickie |
#36
|
|||
|
|||
Friendship problem for my 9 year old
Vickie wrote:
On Jun 2, 4:18 am, "deja.blues" wrote: "Vickie" wrote in message ups.com... Then, the big news. She told me her daughter really needed my daughter's friendship right now because a couple months ago, her husband, on drugs, came over, while the little girl was there, and attacked her (the mom). She said he had a knife, stabbed her, slashed her neck, threw her around, while she screamed for the little girl to call 911. I was horrified and felt so bad for her. But, as a mom, a kept focusing on her 2 girls and asking if they were getting the therapy they needed. She kept blowing that off and talking about herself and how horrible it was for her. I agree but I was really focused on the little girl who saw all of this happening. I couldn't even figure out if the mom had even tried to get counseling for the girls. Are you sure this is true? She could be making this up to manipulate you and your daughter. God, I didn't even think of that! No, couldn't be. All the details she mentioned with police, etc. Why would someone do that? A related medical condition is Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fabrica...duced_Illness). In this, a parent or other caregiver fakes an illness, usually in a child, so that the parent can get sympathy. If someone does that, someone could lie about the police. I am not suggesting this is the case, only saying it could happen. Jeff Vickie |
#37
|
|||
|
|||
Friendship problem for my 9 year old
IMO, the school needs to be notified. I am a teacher and I believe
that there are not one teacher anywhere who would feel bothered by being told this information. In fact, I would guess that the teachers have been very worried about this little girl and have been hoping and waiting for any information that they could get in an attempt to help her. I know that it can be difficult to talk to teachers about other children's problems when you really want (and should) be spending all of your energy focusing on your own family, but imagine the guilt and sadness if the girl or her sister ended up seriously hurt or worse. For whatever reason, the mother choose to tell you this information and you really should report it. It could save the girls lives. They did not ask for this situation any more than you did and in the matter of a few minute that a telephone call takes, you could help them by getting people involved that have the skills and time to find resources for the family, counseling for the girls, and Child and Youth service intervention. Just a thought....thanks for reading. |
#38
|
|||
|
|||
Friendship problem for my 9 year old
On Jun 2, 1:29?pm, Jeff wrote:
Vickie wrote: On Jun 2, 4:18 am, "deja.blues" wrote: "Vickie" wrote in message roups.com... Then, the big news. She told me her daughter really needed my daughter's friendship right now because a couple months ago, her husband, on drugs, came over, while the little girl was there, and attacked her (the mom). She said he had a knife, stabbed her, slashed her neck, threw her around, while she screamed for the little girl to call 911. I was horrified and felt so bad for her. But, as a mom, a kept focusing on her 2 girls and asking if they were getting the therapy they needed. She kept blowing that off and talking about herself and how horrible it was for her. I agree but I was really focused on the little girl who saw all of this happening. I couldn't even figure out if the mom had even tried to get counseling for the girls. Are you sure this is true? She could be making this up to manipulate you and your daughter. God, I didn't even think of that! No, couldn't be. All the details she mentioned with police, etc. Why would someone do that? A related medical condition is Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fabrica...duced_Illness). In this, a parent or other caregiver fakes an illness, usually in a child, so that the parent can get sympathy. If someone does that, someone could lie about the police. I am not suggesting this is the case, only saying it could happen. Jeff Vickie- Hide quoted text - - Show quoted text -- Hide quoted text - - Show quoted text - My heart breaks for this girl at potentially losing a friend that she may hold dear and has no example of a healthy relationship to follow. I don't see any reason really why they still can't be friends, if your child wants to be that is. Letting them remain friends with some proper guidance for the friend as to how that goes is one thing and learning to say "no", "i don't have it" or "I can't help right now" to the mother is another issue entirely. Heck, when she visits your house, just a simple touch on the shoulder and a "how's everything going for ya sweetie?" can make all the difference in the world in a child's life. Sorry, I was thinking more along the lines of giving a child some hope and an example of a normal world, one she may never know because nobody wants to be associated with her mother - not her fault kwim? |
#39
|
|||
|
|||
Friendship problem for my 9 year old
"Vickie" wrote in message ups.com... On Jun 2, 10:18 am, Vickie wrote: On Jun 2, 4:18 am, "deja.blues" wrote: "Vickie" wrote in message oups.com... Then, the big news. She told me her daughter really needed my daughter's friendship right now because a couple months ago, her husband, on drugs, came over, while the little girl was there, and attacked her (the mom). She said he had a knife, stabbed her, slashed her neck, threw her around, while she screamed for the little girl to call 911. I was horrified and felt so bad for her. But, as a mom, a kept focusing on her 2 girls and asking if they were getting the therapy they needed. She kept blowing that off and talking about herself and how horrible it was for her. I agree but I was really focused on the little girl who saw all of this happening. I couldn't even figure out if the mom had even tried to get counseling for the girls. Are you sure this is true? She could be making this up to manipulate you and your daughter. God, I didn't even think of that! No, couldn't be. All the details she mentioned with police, etc. Why would someone do that? Vickie- Hide quoted text - - Show quoted text - OK. Forget that last question. I guess I just don't want to feel that someone would play me like that, but I guess it is important for me to find out the extent of the situation before I take any steps. Vickie I'm just sayin'! Seriously, addicts are consummate liars and manipulators, and very selfish .. A close friend of DH's has been living here for the past month after extricating himself from a ten-year relationship with an alcoholic bi-polar woman. She has two girls, now 17 and 15, and DH's friend is understandably very close to them, having been in their lives since they were 5 and 7. After he left, she's called him multiple times a day with all kinds of dramatic life-or-death stories to suck him back into their lives. Maybe your daughter's friends mom isn't doing this, but my advice is to take her story with a large grain of salt. Oh, and talk to the teacher as other posters have said. |
#40
|
|||
|
|||
Friendship problem for my 9 year old
On Sat, 02 Jun 2007 16:34:54 GMT, Jeff
wrote: Stephanie wrote: "Aula" wrote in message ... "Jeff" wrote in message news:Q858i.44$fX4.41@trndny03... Also, the crisis center isn't just for abused females. The crisis centers are also for abused males, too. Well...some are some aren't. The one in Brattleboro VT is very clear in stating that they serve women. They also draw the line at allowing male child above about age 12 into the shelter if the mother flees accompanied by them. IOW, various shelters have various philosophies and battered men are generally underserved, ime, and often discredited by others so less likely to step forward for help. -Aula Not all shelters are motivated so much by lack of sympathy for battered men but by the difficulties of serving both communities. I was positively *amazed* the lengths to which batterers would go to get access to their victims when I worked at a women's shelter. It can be a simple measure of protection. I agree that there is more of a stigma around being a battered man that prevents them from getting help though. Thanks Stephanie and Aula for your clarifications to my comments. I definitely should have said something like there are some shelters that help men in need. Jeff The shelter I worked at wouldn't allow adult males, but we had access to several places battered men could receive help. We could do outreach for them, but not provide physical shelter. Nan |
Thread Tools | |
Display Modes | |
|
|
Similar Threads | ||||
Thread | Thread Starter | Forum | Replies | Last Post |
19 year old boy having eye problem | [email protected] | General | 0 | March 21st 07 12:01 PM |
Sleep problem in 3-4 year old | [email protected] | General | 4 | June 1st 05 04:01 AM |
a problem with my 13-year old daughter | jane_mom | General | 3 | March 12th 05 07:35 PM |
a problem with my 13-year-old daughter | jane_mom | General | 2 | March 10th 05 12:20 PM |
3 year old with nap problem | Hillary Israeli | General | 11 | December 1st 03 09:32 PM |