Teenagers - a situation with my son

I wonder if people have any suggestions for this situation.

My son is 17. He's involved in a youth group that is regional.
They have a number of events each year.

One girl whom he's known for a few years who doesn't
live in our town but who is also in this group has always
been interested in him. He's not interested in her but
he hasn't been rude or anything. She occasionally
asked him to things (somewhat casually, I think)
over the past year or so but he always said no.

Things seemed to escalate this summer. He was
away for a month but when he returned she
started calling him (on his cell phone) or sending
him a text message EVERY DAY. She was away.
This went on for over a month.

He would never pick up, never respond to any
messages. He hoped she would get the message
that he just wasn't interested.

She would leave him voicemail wondering what
she'd done to anger or upset him, saying they
really needed to talk. He would tell me about
these or let me listen to them. He's not angry
or upset with her - he's just simply not interested
and likes her less than ever because of her
hounding him.

She isn't calling daily anymore but it's about
1-2 times a week. In tonight's voicemail she
was angry - called him an asshole, told him
he was acting like he was better than others,
made a comment about a girl he spent time
with this summer at camp which he hadn't
discussed with people here. And she still
said she wanted him to call her back!?

He's worried about what will happen when he
next encounters her at a group event in a
few weeks. He also thinks she'll start
telling other people in the regional group
nasty things about him which aren't true.

How should I suggest he react to her at the
group event if she continues to insist that
she needs to talk to him? How come she
doesn't get it that he's just not interested?

-- Zip

Thanks for any suggestions.

In article . com, Zipadee
says...

I wonder if people have any suggestions for this situation.

My son is 17. He's involved in a youth group that is regional.
They have a number of events each year.

One girl whom he's known for a few years who doesn't
live in our town but who is also in this group has always
been interested in him. He's not interested in her but
he hasn't been rude or anything. She occasionally
asked him to things (somewhat casually, I think)
over the past year or so but he always said no.

Things seemed to escalate this summer. He was
away for a month but when he returned she
started calling him (on his cell phone) or sending
him a text message EVERY DAY. She was away.
This went on for over a month.

He would never pick up, never respond to any
messages. He hoped she would get the message
that he just wasn't interested.

She would leave him voicemail wondering what
she'd done to anger or upset him, saying they
really needed to talk. He would tell me about
these or let me listen to them. He's not angry
or upset with her - he's just simply not interested
and likes her less than ever because of her
hounding him.

She isn't calling daily anymore but it's about
1-2 times a week. In tonight's voicemail she
was angry - called him an asshole, told him
he was acting like he was better than others,
made a comment about a girl he spent time
with this summer at camp which he hadn't
discussed with people here. And she still
said she wanted him to call her back!?

He's worried about what will happen when he
next encounters her at a group event in a
few weeks. He also thinks she'll start
telling other people in the regional group
nasty things about him which aren't true.

How should I suggest he react to her at the
group event if she continues to insist that
she needs to talk to him? How come she
doesn't get it that he's just not interested?

It's time to talk with her parents. After getting assurance from your son that
he truly has had nothing to do with her.

She may have some problems such that this behavior needs to come to her parents'
attention. But, if nothing else, this is your own phone and your own household,
and her actions are bordering on harassment, so you have a rather concrete
concern about this as well.

Banty

In article . com, Zipadee
says...

How should I suggest he react to her at the
group event if she continues to insist that
she needs to talk to him? How come she
doesn't get it that he's just not interested?

Because your son hasn't been completely honest with her and told her
he's not interested. Yeah, it's an uncomfortable thing to do but this
is a good opportunity for your son to learn that being open and honest
with her is much better than the avoidance tactic.

Nan

On Sat, 08 Sep 2007 20:39:28 -0700, Zipadee
wrote:

I wonder if people have any suggestions for this situation.
How should I suggest he react to her at the
group event if she continues to insist that
she needs to talk to him? How come she
doesn't get it that he's just not interested?

I read nothing in your post about your son ever telling this girl he
is not interested in her. That is the number one thing he should do
before bringing in her parents and embarassing her worse than she
already feels at being ignored.
Marie

"Zipadee" wrote in message
ups.com...
I wonder if people have any suggestions for this situation.

My son is 17. He's involved in a youth group that is regional.
They have a number of events each year.

One girl whom he's known for a few years who doesn't
live in our town but who is also in this group has always
been interested in him. He's not interested in her but
he hasn't been rude or anything. She occasionally
asked him to things (somewhat casually, I think)
over the past year or so but he always said no.

Things seemed to escalate this summer. He was
away for a month but when he returned she
started calling him (on his cell phone) or sending
him a text message EVERY DAY. She was away.
This went on for over a month.

He would never pick up, never respond to any
messages. He hoped she would get the message
that he just wasn't interested.

She would leave him voicemail wondering what
she'd done to anger or upset him, saying they
really needed to talk. He would tell me about
these or let me listen to them. He's not angry
or upset with her - he's just simply not interested
and likes her less than ever because of her
hounding him.

She isn't calling daily anymore but it's about
1-2 times a week. In tonight's voicemail she
was angry - called him an asshole, told him
he was acting like he was better than others,
made a comment about a girl he spent time
with this summer at camp which he hadn't
discussed with people here. And she still
said she wanted him to call her back!?

He's worried about what will happen when he
next encounters her at a group event in a
few weeks. He also thinks she'll start
telling other people in the regional group
nasty things about him which aren't true.

How should I suggest he react to her at the
group event if she continues to insist that
she needs to talk to him? How come she
doesn't get it that he's just not interested?

-- Zip

What mostly everyone else said. He hasn't told her outright that he isn't
interested and that she should please stop calling him. She could be holding
out hope ("He hasn't said "no", so that's maybe a "yes"!"), so it's his job
to set her straight. She may be a pest, but it's unfair for him to just
avoid her, not answer her messages, and leave her hanging. Doing this
doesn't show much integrity on his part. And yeah, maybe he isn't telling
you the whole story.

He should be polite when he sees her at the youth function. Has he actually
asked you for advice?

On Sep 9, 11:03 pm, "deja.blues" wrote:
"Zipadee" wrote in message

ups.com...



I wonder if people have any suggestions for this situation.

My son is 17. He's involved in a youth group that is regional.
They have a number of events each year.

One girl whom he's known for a few years who doesn't
live in our town but who is also in this group has always
been interested in him. He's not interested in her but
he hasn't been rude or anything. She occasionally
asked him to things (somewhat casually, I think)
over the past year or so but he always said no.

Things seemed to escalate this summer. He was
away for a month but when he returned she
started calling him (on his cell phone) or sending
him a text message EVERY DAY. She was away.
This went on for over a month.

He would never pick up, never respond to any
messages. He hoped she would get the message
that he just wasn't interested.

She would leave him voicemail wondering what
she'd done to anger or upset him, saying they
really needed to talk. He would tell me about
these or let me listen to them. He's not angry
or upset with her - he's just simply not interested
and likes her less than ever because of her
hounding him.

She isn't calling daily anymore but it's about
1-2 times a week. In tonight's voicemail she
was angry - called him an asshole, told him
he was acting like he was better than others,
made a comment about a girl he spent time
with this summer at camp which he hadn't
discussed with people here. And she still
said she wanted him to call her back!?

He's worried about what will happen when he
next encounters her at a group event in a
few weeks. He also thinks she'll start
telling other people in the regional group
nasty things about him which aren't true.

How should I suggest he react to her at the
group event if she continues to insist that
she needs to talk to him? How come she
doesn't get it that he's just not interested?

-- Zip

What mostly everyone else said. He hasn't told her outright that he isn't
interested and that she should please stop calling him. She could be holding
out hope ("He hasn't said "no", so that's maybe a "yes"!"), so it's his job
to set her straight. She may be a pest, but it's unfair for him to just
avoid her, not answer her messages, and leave her hanging. Doing this
doesn't show much integrity on his part. And yeah, maybe he isn't telling
you the whole story.

He should be polite when he sees her at the youth function. Has he actually
asked you for advice?

Thanks for all your replies and suggestions.

He HAS discussed it with me, shown me some of the text messages and
had
me listen to several of the voicemails. There was one text message
this summer
which was so long it actually took 4 text messages to send.

It bothers him because he's worried about what she'll do (in terms of
saying
possibly nasty things to mutual friends) if he actually explicitly
tells her he's not interested. When I've tried to come up with things
he can say
to her to tell her he's not interested, he thinks they sound too mean.
I think he
wants to say he's not interested in her without making her feel bad
about herself.
Though it's unclear to me if there's a way to tell someone you're not
interested
in her without her hearing it as a criticism even when it isn't meant
that way.

While I don't believe he's ever explicitly told her he's not
interested, he has
in the past said no when she asked him to do things. I think last year
she even suggested they go to her prom together but that wasn't
something he wanted to do. I've never been present when she asked
so I don't know how the conversations went. These days she seems
to claim she just wants to straighten out their "friendship". She says
they "have to talk".

As they're 17, I'm hesitant to actually butt in but just want to
advise him. She never calls him on our home phone, only his
cell phone.

Actually, I think there was one time this summer that he did
answer the phone. The previous night she had called him at
2:30AM (waking him and others up when he was staying
overnight with friends though he didn't answer then) and when
she called the next day he scolded her for calling at that hour and
she decided she couldn't handle his complaining and she hung up on
him.
I don't think they've actually spoken since.

I can only assume she doesn't discuss any of this with her
parents.

-- Zip

On Sun, 09 Sep 2007 21:49:44 -0700, Zipadee
wrote:

It bothers him because he's worried about what she'll do (in terms of
saying
possibly nasty things to mutual friends) if he actually explicitly
tells her he's not interested.

It's entirely possible that she'll say nasty things about him. He
needs to get past that and realize that being truthful with her will
gain him more respect from mutual friends than if he's "led her on"
even unintentionally.

When I've tried to come up with things
he can say
to her to tell her he's not interested, he thinks they sound too mean.
I think he
wants to say he's not interested in her without making her feel bad
about herself.
Though it's unclear to me if there's a way to tell someone you're not
interested
in her without her hearing it as a criticism even when it isn't meant
that way.

That is a problem. You cannot control how others react and there is
the chance she'll take it wrong. He really does need to just talk as
openly and as kindly with her as he is able to.

While I don't believe he's ever explicitly told her he's not
interested, he has
in the past said no when she asked him to do things. I think last year
she even suggested they go to her prom together but that wasn't
something he wanted to do. I've never been present when she asked
so I don't know how the conversations went. These days she seems
to claim she just wants to straighten out their "friendship". She says
they "have to talk".

It sounds like she has/had a crush on your son. Perhaps her wanting
to talk about their friendship is her attempt to save face. He really
should give her the opportunity to talk and be honest with her.
Perhaps he'll gain a friend, perhaps not. If her behavior continues
after he's let her know it's unwanted, then it can be considered
stalking.

Good luck to both of you. I know how tough it is to worry about a
teenager!

Nan

"Zipadee" wrote in message
ups.com...
I wonder if people have any suggestions for this situation.

My son is 17. He's involved in a youth group that is regional.
They have a number of events each year.

One girl whom he's known for a few years who doesn't
live in our town but who is also in this group has always
been interested in him. He's not interested in her but
he hasn't been rude or anything. She occasionally
asked him to things (somewhat casually, I think)
over the past year or so but he always said no.

Things seemed to escalate this summer. He was
away for a month but when he returned she
started calling him (on his cell phone) or sending
him a text message EVERY DAY. She was away.
This went on for over a month.

He would never pick up, never respond to any
messages. He hoped she would get the message
that he just wasn't interested.

She would leave him voicemail wondering what
she'd done to anger or upset him, saying they
really needed to talk. He would tell me about
these or let me listen to them. He's not angry
or upset with her - he's just simply not interested
and likes her less than ever because of her
hounding him.

She isn't calling daily anymore but it's about
1-2 times a week. In tonight's voicemail she
was angry - called him an asshole, told him
he was acting like he was better than others,
made a comment about a girl he spent time
with this summer at camp which he hadn't
discussed with people here. And she still
said she wanted him to call her back!?

He's worried about what will happen when he
next encounters her at a group event in a
few weeks. He also thinks she'll start
telling other people in the regional group
nasty things about him which aren't true.

How should I suggest he react to her at the
group event if she continues to insist that
she needs to talk to him? How come she
doesn't get it that he's just not interested?

-- Zip

Thanks for any suggestions.


IMO your son should call her on the phone and tell her that he is not
interested and could she please stop calling. If that is inadequate then I
would agree with Banty's suggestion.

On Mon, 10 Sep 2007 06:43:25 -0400, "nimue"
wrote:

IMO your son should call her on the phone and tell her that he is not
interested and could she please stop calling. If that is inadequate
then I would agree with Banty's suggestion.

I think he should do that, too. Definitely. I wonder why on earth he
hasn't -- and I do wonder if there isn't more to this story than he is
telling you.

I guess I'm not finding it all that unusual for someone to act like he
has.... just hoping she gets the "hint" because he hasn't returned her
calls or gone on a date with her.

But, I don't think he has good reason to complain about the unwanted
attention unless he's been completely honest with her, either.

Nan

On Sep 10, 6:51 am, Nan wrote:
On Mon, 10 Sep 2007 06:43:25 -0400, "nimue"
wrote:

IMO your son should call her on the phone and tell her that he is not
interested and could she please stop calling. If that is inadequate
then I would agree with Banty's suggestion.

I think he should do that, too. Definitely. I wonder why on earth he
hasn't -- and I do wonder if there isn't more to this story than he is
telling you.

I guess I'm not finding it all that unusual for someone to act like he
has.... just hoping she gets the "hint" because he hasn't returned her
calls or gone on a date with her.

But, I don't think he has good reason to complain about the unwanted
attention unless he's been completely honest with her, either.

Nan

I'm not sure what "more to the story" you think there could be, nimue.

I don't find his behavior unusual at all. The whole thing makes him
uncomfortable and he doesn't want to communicate with her at all.

But she completely isn't getting that so I think all of you are right
that he is going to have to tell her.

I'm assuming she doesn't tell her parents that there's a guy she
was trying to call every day this summer. (She was away from
home at a summer program at that time.)

Certainly we all remember our younger days when having to
tell someone interested in us that we weren't interested in them.
It was never easy.

Here's a question - suppose you had a 17-year-old daughter
and she told you that there was a guy she liked (or maybe
she said, just wanted to be friends with) and she said she kept
trying to call him, send text messages or email and he never
answered her. Wouldn't you tell her to give up?
(I'm not implying that she has spoken to her parents, I would
guess not!)

This all happens on their cell phones, not the house phone,
so I wouldn't even know about it if my son didn't tell me.
I know he hasn't seen this girl (at a group event) since last
spring.

-- Zip