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Update: Problems with 14yr old sister...



 
 
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  #1  
Old March 23rd 04, 02:23 PM
Daniel
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Update: Problems with 14yr old sister...

Here is an update on what has happened so far. I finally got the chance to
talk to her last night (she keeps putting that kind of stuff off & I think
it ended with more of a "to be continued" than anything else). She said
that she's noticed a change in me since I've got with my girlfriend, though
she admitted that what she was seeing wasn't a bad change. She talked
though as if she wasn't talking but someone else was talking through her &
she was giving the thoughts they put into her head. She tried to argue that
I don't spend as much time at the computer any more. I explained to her
that the main reason I did before is because I didn't have much else to do
(wont go into the details of it on this post...but basically my whole life,
mainly growing up, I've been forced into having to put all my time &
attention into something because there wasn't anything/anyone else worth
being around until more recently with her...& even then it was durring any
time I wasn't with her). She also said that she thinks my girlfriend has
changed the way I dress. This because since I've met her, I've found 2
shirts that have dragon pictures on them, rather than the usual plain solid
or stripped that I'd normally wear. I explained to her that she didn't get
them for me but simply showed me that they were at the store we happened to
be in at the time (& she recognized that I might like them based on many of
the video games that I've played). My sister did agree on this after I
explained it to her (& 2 shirts isn't hardly changing someone's look). She
also tried to argue also that I'm neglecting my responsibilities (but
couldn't give any example...& then finally agreed in more of a confused/"why
did I say that"/"what did I even mean by that" that this wasn't true. She
asked that I remind her to do the dishes or other chores & not yell at her
for not doing them...but then immediately recognized that not only have I
not yelled at her for not doing her chores (I simply don't give her as much
allowance for it...she gets allowance based on a percentage of how much she
does vs. how much I do..& I let her do as much as she wants so she could get
double the amount, & she agrees that allowance is payment for work done, not
a gift, & doesnt have a problem with the way I do it), but I also have
reminded her many times & she still didn't get them done (remind her to do
something mid day Saturday, she's home all day & reminded her sunday too,
then didnt do it Monday & finally did a last minute half-assed job Tuesday
morning before leaving). She then brought up the fact that we've not spent
much time together lately, however she agreed that I've given her the chance
& she's chosen to be gone until late in the evenings & then hide in her room
the rest of the night, & where I've had to plan activities for her in order
to get her to be with me. She also did recognize that I didn't like coming
home after my recent trip & after not having seen her for 8 days (which is
the longest time she's not seen me in about 1.5 yrs), her first thing she
asked (I called her, she was at a friend's house about a 10 minute walk
away) was if she could go over to her boyfriend's house for a few hrs
(BEFORE seeing me...since he was more important). Her excuse was that she
was upset that I at first (before knowing the full travel information) said
I'd be home about 7-8PM, but then got home a few hrs before that (&
understood this wasn't a valid arguement since she had a copy of all the
flight information & could have met me at the airport had she wanted
to...she even knew exactly when each plain would take off & land...even the
ones that didnt concern her...an exact copy of all the info that I had/I
just printed 2 of them). Another thing she tried to say was that she heard
that I've talked to her social worker & told them of her sneaking around &
about her 19yr old boyfriend & that I didn't want her any more. I finally
got her to admit where she'd heard that...it was from our friend (who I'd
known for 5.5 yrs & who has done allot for me & I've done allot for her). I
explained that this wasn't true because she knows she doesnt even have a
social worker, & when I offered to prove it to her by showing her the phone
bill (which logs date/time/phone# of incoming & outgoing calls), she
declined to see the proof that I was telling the trueth & agreed with me
that I'd not been trying to get her in trouble or get rid of her. But this
brings up a further problem. This friend (according to their chat logs) has
apparently for the past few months been telling me one thing & telling my
sister another. She's been supporting me on not liking what has been going
on with this guy but then turns around & helps my sister with it & lets her
know how much I know about things (I never told her I've been reading the
logs of my sister & her boyfriend...& only recently read the full log for my
sister & her). She even offered & agreed to cover for my sister this past
week, to have my sister stay with her through the week but actually to let
her spend the night with her boyfriend (19yr old) (she is not only
supportive of an innappropriate relationship with someone who has been
causing my sister some problems, but is willing to lie to me & cover things
up for her...this after all that we've done for each other too in the past
5.5 yrs.) So now I've got another problem that has been found too (for
those who don't approve of chat logging & spying in that sense...this is why
I did it...now I know who to watch out for as well.) My girlfriend & I have
thought of the possibility of jelousy that she's no longer the only
important person in my life (she did somewhat finish raising me & has tought
me allot). Though my girlfriend's sister has suggested the possibility of
jelousy in that I'm not HER boyfriend. We've both disagreed on this due to
the facts that she's had over 5yrs to have decided to go that direction with
me had she wanted to, has had more than enough time to have done that (based
on the timings & amount of time spent together, plus me living with her this
past summer), & had not shown any interest in anything more than a big
sister type of relationship with me (the reason I'd never thought of that
possibility myself). My sister acted throughout the conversation as if she
was quoting/reading a script when making her various claims about what has
supposedly been different lately (I say this seeing how easy it was to
explain the reasoning to her or correct her on her thoughts & how she
appeared more as if she was looking for proof that those thoughts/ideas
weren't right). There will probably be more to talk to her about later (as
she was somewhat preocupied at the time...but if I try to sit her down with
nothing to distract her she ends the conversation very quickly, needing to
go do something else & wont talk...so thats why I didnt mind her doing other
things at the time). I'll post an update later on that & any
feedback/questions too.

(for those who think I'm making excuses of why I'm not trying certain things
& that I'm not really looking for input...if I weren't then why would I be
taking the time to post/follow up here? For those others who have made
suggestions & comments that have been good ideas & useful, thank you for
your time & please continue to contribute.)

--

--

There are 10 types of people in this world...
....those who understand binary & those who dont.


  #2  
Old March 23rd 04, 03:25 PM
Joelle
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Update: Problems with 14yr old sister...

My sister acted throughout the conversation as if she
was quoting/reading a script when making her various claims about what has
supposedly been different lately (I say this seeing how easy it was to
explain the reasoning to her


So everything she said to you - you had a counter argument and "explanation"
and you calmly explained to her how wrong she was about everything. How nice.
That would make me want to talke to you again.

(for those who think I'm making excuses of why I'm not trying certain things
& that I'm not really looking for input...if I weren't then why would I be
taking the time to post/follow up here?


So you can justify, defend and "explain" yourself - the same way you did when
you supposedly "listened" to your little sister.

Next time, just listen. Try to see it from her perspective, right or wrong,
that's how it feels to her and she took the time to try to tell you and all you
did was shoot her down. That's not listening. It's not about you and
defending or explaining yourself to her. It's about her and trying to
understand what she is going through and how it feels.

Before you answer right away about how I'm wrong, just take a breath. You
don't have to defend yourself. I'm sure you care about your sister and are
trying to help her- but you seem to have a need to justify yourself - here and
to your sister that is getting in the way of your ability to listen. Next time
she talks to you (if you get that chance) try just shutting up and hearing her.

Joelle
The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St
Augustine
Joelle
  #3  
Old March 23rd 04, 04:58 PM
Lisa
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Update: Problems with 14yr old sister...


"Joelle" wrote in message
...
My sister acted throughout the conversation as if she
was quoting/reading a script when making her various claims about what

has
supposedly been different lately (I say this seeing how easy it was to
explain the reasoning to her


So everything she said to you - you had a counter argument and

"explanation"
and you calmly explained to her how wrong she was about everything. How

nice.
That would make me want to talke to you again.

(for those who think I'm making excuses of why I'm not trying certain

things
& that I'm not really looking for input...if I weren't then why would I

be
taking the time to post/follow up here?


So you can justify, defend and "explain" yourself - the same way you did

when
you supposedly "listened" to your little sister.

Next time, just listen. Try to see it from her perspective, right or

wrong,
that's how it feels to her and she took the time to try to tell you and

all you
did was shoot her down. That's not listening. It's not about you and
defending or explaining yourself to her. It's about her and trying to
understand what she is going through and how it feels.


The mind of a 14 year old is easily filled with perceptions. This young
girl is exposed to a lot of perceptions by outside influences that are not
exactly meant to be in the mix. Those perceptions are simply an
interpretation or understanding. Interpretations need clarification in
order to agree on an understanding. It sounds to me like Daniel did hear
his sister out, and addressed each of her perceptions with clarification.
Nor do I think Daniel is making "it all about him", in that he is more the
central topic of the all the things his sister brought up.

Lesson learned, though, Daniel, is that I hope next time you realize that
only you can really count on yourself to give the guidance and supervision
to your sister that you feel appropriate. Clearly, the friend that you had
asked to keep an eye wasn't helping a whole lot.

Lisa





Before you answer right away about how I'm wrong, just take a breath. You
don't have to defend yourself. I'm sure you care about your sister and

are
trying to help her- but you seem to have a need to justify yourself - here

and
to your sister that is getting in the way of your ability to listen. Next

time
she talks to you (if you get that chance) try just shutting up and hearing

her.

Joelle
The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St
Augustine
Joelle


  #4  
Old March 24th 04, 01:49 PM
Daniel
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Update: Problems with 14yr old sister...

"Lisa" wrote in message
. ..

"Joelle" wrote in message
...
My sister acted throughout the conversation as if she
was quoting/reading a script when making her various claims about what

has
supposedly been different lately (I say this seeing how easy it was to
explain the reasoning to her


So everything she said to you - you had a counter argument and

"explanation"
and you calmly explained to her how wrong she was about everything. How

nice.
That would make me want to talke to you again.

(for those who think I'm making excuses of why I'm not trying certain

things
& that I'm not really looking for input...if I weren't then why would I

be
taking the time to post/follow up here?


So you can justify, defend and "explain" yourself - the same way you did

when
you supposedly "listened" to your little sister.

Next time, just listen. Try to see it from her perspective, right or

wrong,
that's how it feels to her and she took the time to try to tell you and

all you
did was shoot her down. That's not listening. It's not about you and
defending or explaining yourself to her. It's about her and trying to
understand what she is going through and how it feels.


The mind of a 14 year old is easily filled with perceptions. This young
girl is exposed to a lot of perceptions by outside influences that are not
exactly meant to be in the mix. Those perceptions are simply an
interpretation or understanding. Interpretations need clarification in
order to agree on an understanding. It sounds to me like Daniel did hear
his sister out, and addressed each of her perceptions with clarification.
Nor do I think Daniel is making "it all about him", in that he is more the
central topic of the all the things his sister brought up.

I thank you for seeing it this way...just because someone explains or
clarifies something doesnt mean they are making excuses. If an explaination
is just an excuse, then anyone who believes this should go & carry their
vehicle to work rather than drive it & don't try to blame it on a ficticious
force you call gravity that you say is pulling to to the grownd & is
overpowering your ability to hold it up...you're just too lazy & too week to
carry it yourself. When I gave my explinations, she appeared to understand
them & see that her thinking was wrong & why.

Lesson learned, though, Daniel, is that I hope next time you realize that
only you can really count on yourself to give the guidance and supervision
to your sister that you feel appropriate. Clearly, the friend that you

had
asked to keep an eye wasn't helping a whole lot.

This friend who practically finished raising me & got me out on my own & to
the point of owning my own home & taking care of my sister...then goes &
after all that she's helped me with she wants to mess up my sister's life?!

Lisa





Before you answer right away about how I'm wrong, just take a breath.

You
don't have to defend yourself. I'm sure you care about your sister and

are
trying to help her- but you seem to have a need to justify yourself -

here
and
to your sister that is getting in the way of your ability to listen.

Next
time
she talks to you (if you get that chance) try just shutting up and

hearing
her.

Joelle
The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St
Augustine
Joelle




  #5  
Old March 24th 04, 02:34 PM
Joelle
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Update: Problems with 14yr old sister...

When I gave my explinations, she appeared to understand
them & see that her thinking was wrong & why.


Okay. Well then if your goal was for her to let you know that she knows how
wrong she is, you were successful. Congratulations.

Joelle
The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St
Augustine
Joelle
  #6  
Old March 24th 04, 03:33 PM
Tiffany
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Update: Problems with 14yr old sister...


Daniel daniel_h_wATyyahooDOTccom wrote in message
...
Here is an update on what has happened so far. I finally got the chance

to
talk to her last night (she keeps putting that kind of stuff off & I think
it ended with more of a "to be continued" than anything else). She said
that she's noticed a change in me since I've got with my girlfriend,

though
she admitted that what she was seeing wasn't a bad change. She talked
though as if she wasn't talking but someone else was talking through her &
she was giving the thoughts they put into her head. She tried to argue

that
I don't spend as much time at the computer any more. I explained to her
that the main reason I did before is because I didn't have much else to do
(wont go into the details of it on this post...but basically my whole

life,
mainly growing up, I've been forced into having to put all my time &
attention into something because there wasn't anything/anyone else worth
being around until more recently with her...& even then it was durring any
time I wasn't with her). She also said that she thinks my girlfriend has
changed the way I dress. This because since I've met her, I've found 2
shirts that have dragon pictures on them, rather than the usual plain

solid
or stripped that I'd normally wear. I explained to her that she didn't

get
them for me but simply showed me that they were at the store we happened

to
be in at the time (& she recognized that I might like them based on many

of
the video games that I've played). My sister did agree on this after I
explained it to her (& 2 shirts isn't hardly changing someone's look).

She
also tried to argue also that I'm neglecting my responsibilities (but
couldn't give any example...& then finally agreed in more of a

confused/"why
did I say that"/"what did I even mean by that" that this wasn't true. She
asked that I remind her to do the dishes or other chores & not yell at her
for not doing them...but then immediately recognized that not only have I
not yelled at her for not doing her chores (I simply don't give her as

much
allowance for it...she gets allowance based on a percentage of how much

she
does vs. how much I do..& I let her do as much as she wants so she could

get
double the amount, & she agrees that allowance is payment for work done,

not
a gift, & doesnt have a problem with the way I do it), but I also have
reminded her many times & she still didn't get them done (remind her to do
something mid day Saturday, she's home all day & reminded her sunday too,
then didnt do it Monday & finally did a last minute half-assed job Tuesday
morning before leaving). She then brought up the fact that we've not

spent
much time together lately, however she agreed that I've given her the

chance
& she's chosen to be gone until late in the evenings & then hide in her

room
the rest of the night, & where I've had to plan activities for her in

order
to get her to be with me. She also did recognize that I didn't like

coming
home after my recent trip & after not having seen her for 8 days (which is
the longest time she's not seen me in about 1.5 yrs), her first thing she
asked (I called her, she was at a friend's house about a 10 minute walk
away) was if she could go over to her boyfriend's house for a few hrs
(BEFORE seeing me...since he was more important). Her excuse was that she
was upset that I at first (before knowing the full travel information)

said
I'd be home about 7-8PM, but then got home a few hrs before that (&
understood this wasn't a valid arguement since she had a copy of all the
flight information & could have met me at the airport had she wanted
to...she even knew exactly when each plain would take off & land...even

the
ones that didnt concern her...an exact copy of all the info that I had/I
just printed 2 of them). Another thing she tried to say was that she

heard
that I've talked to her social worker & told them of her sneaking around &
about her 19yr old boyfriend & that I didn't want her any more. I finally
got her to admit where she'd heard that...it was from our friend (who I'd
known for 5.5 yrs & who has done allot for me & I've done allot for her).

I
explained that this wasn't true because she knows she doesnt even have a
social worker, & when I offered to prove it to her by showing her the

phone
bill (which logs date/time/phone# of incoming & outgoing calls), she
declined to see the proof that I was telling the trueth & agreed with me
that I'd not been trying to get her in trouble or get rid of her. But

this
brings up a further problem. This friend (according to their chat logs)

has
apparently for the past few months been telling me one thing & telling my
sister another. She's been supporting me on not liking what has been

going
on with this guy but then turns around & helps my sister with it & lets

her
know how much I know about things (I never told her I've been reading the
logs of my sister & her boyfriend...& only recently read the full log for

my
sister & her). She even offered & agreed to cover for my sister this past
week, to have my sister stay with her through the week but actually to let
her spend the night with her boyfriend (19yr old) (she is not only
supportive of an innappropriate relationship with someone who has been
causing my sister some problems, but is willing to lie to me & cover

things
up for her...this after all that we've done for each other too in the past
5.5 yrs.) So now I've got another problem that has been found too (for
those who don't approve of chat logging & spying in that sense...this is

why
I did it...now I know who to watch out for as well.) My girlfriend & I

have
thought of the possibility of jelousy that she's no longer the only
important person in my life (she did somewhat finish raising me & has

tought
me allot). Though my girlfriend's sister has suggested the possibility of
jelousy in that I'm not HER boyfriend. We've both disagreed on this due

to
the facts that she's had over 5yrs to have decided to go that direction

with
me had she wanted to, has had more than enough time to have done that

(based
on the timings & amount of time spent together, plus me living with her

this
past summer), & had not shown any interest in anything more than a big
sister type of relationship with me (the reason I'd never thought of that
possibility myself). My sister acted throughout the conversation as if

she
was quoting/reading a script when making her various claims about what has
supposedly been different lately (I say this seeing how easy it was to
explain the reasoning to her or correct her on her thoughts & how she
appeared more as if she was looking for proof that those thoughts/ideas
weren't right). There will probably be more to talk to her about later

(as
she was somewhat preocupied at the time...but if I try to sit her down

with
nothing to distract her she ends the conversation very quickly, needing to
go do something else & wont talk...so thats why I didnt mind her doing

other
things at the time). I'll post an update later on that & any
feedback/questions too.

(for those who think I'm making excuses of why I'm not trying certain

things
& that I'm not really looking for input...if I weren't then why would I be
taking the time to post/follow up here? For those others who have made
suggestions & comments that have been good ideas & useful, thank you for
your time & please continue to contribute.)

--

--


Good of you to have that talk and hope you had a good trip. Since you didn't
post anything to the contrary, I am glad to see that your sister didn't get
into any trouble while you were gone.

She is talking about your girlfriend changing your clothes, you are not on
the Pc as much..... how is this relevant to HER behavior anyways? It just
seemed as though your chat was of 2 adults, when in reality, it is one adult
in charge and a child.

As for the 'friend'..... you never really know someone and may never know
her reasons for what she did. Kick her out of your life and be done with it.
Your energies are needed elsewhere.

Have you given any thought to having her sister speak with a professional?

T


  #7  
Old March 25th 04, 12:26 AM
Daniel
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Update: Problems with 14yr old sister...

"Tiffany" wrote in message
...

Daniel daniel_h_wATyyahooDOTccom wrote in message
...
Here is an update on what has happened so far. I finally got the chance

to
talk to her last night (she keeps putting that kind of stuff off & I

think
it ended with more of a "to be continued" than anything else). She said
that she's noticed a change in me since I've got with my girlfriend,

though
she admitted that what she was seeing wasn't a bad change. She talked
though as if she wasn't talking but someone else was talking through her

&
she was giving the thoughts they put into her head. She tried to argue

that
I don't spend as much time at the computer any more. I explained to her
that the main reason I did before is because I didn't have much else to

do
(wont go into the details of it on this post...but basically my whole

life,
mainly growing up, I've been forced into having to put all my time &
attention into something because there wasn't anything/anyone else worth
being around until more recently with her...& even then it was durring

any
time I wasn't with her). She also said that she thinks my girlfriend

has
changed the way I dress. This because since I've met her, I've found 2
shirts that have dragon pictures on them, rather than the usual plain

solid
or stripped that I'd normally wear. I explained to her that she didn't

get
them for me but simply showed me that they were at the store we happened

to
be in at the time (& she recognized that I might like them based on many

of
the video games that I've played). My sister did agree on this after I
explained it to her (& 2 shirts isn't hardly changing someone's look).

She
also tried to argue also that I'm neglecting my responsibilities (but
couldn't give any example...& then finally agreed in more of a

confused/"why
did I say that"/"what did I even mean by that" that this wasn't true.

She
asked that I remind her to do the dishes or other chores & not yell at

her
for not doing them...but then immediately recognized that not only have

I
not yelled at her for not doing her chores (I simply don't give her as

much
allowance for it...she gets allowance based on a percentage of how much

she
does vs. how much I do..& I let her do as much as she wants so she could

get
double the amount, & she agrees that allowance is payment for work done,

not
a gift, & doesnt have a problem with the way I do it), but I also have
reminded her many times & she still didn't get them done (remind her to

do
something mid day Saturday, she's home all day & reminded her sunday

too,
then didnt do it Monday & finally did a last minute half-assed job

Tuesday
morning before leaving). She then brought up the fact that we've not

spent
much time together lately, however she agreed that I've given her the

chance
& she's chosen to be gone until late in the evenings & then hide in her

room
the rest of the night, & where I've had to plan activities for her in

order
to get her to be with me. She also did recognize that I didn't like

coming
home after my recent trip & after not having seen her for 8 days (which

is
the longest time she's not seen me in about 1.5 yrs), her first thing

she
asked (I called her, she was at a friend's house about a 10 minute walk
away) was if she could go over to her boyfriend's house for a few hrs
(BEFORE seeing me...since he was more important). Her excuse was that

she
was upset that I at first (before knowing the full travel information)

said
I'd be home about 7-8PM, but then got home a few hrs before that (&
understood this wasn't a valid arguement since she had a copy of all the
flight information & could have met me at the airport had she wanted
to...she even knew exactly when each plain would take off & land...even

the
ones that didnt concern her...an exact copy of all the info that I had/I
just printed 2 of them). Another thing she tried to say was that she

heard
that I've talked to her social worker & told them of her sneaking around

&
about her 19yr old boyfriend & that I didn't want her any more. I

finally
got her to admit where she'd heard that...it was from our friend (who

I'd
known for 5.5 yrs & who has done allot for me & I've done allot for

her).
I
explained that this wasn't true because she knows she doesnt even have a
social worker, & when I offered to prove it to her by showing her the

phone
bill (which logs date/time/phone# of incoming & outgoing calls), she
declined to see the proof that I was telling the trueth & agreed with me
that I'd not been trying to get her in trouble or get rid of her. But

this
brings up a further problem. This friend (according to their chat logs)

has
apparently for the past few months been telling me one thing & telling

my
sister another. She's been supporting me on not liking what has been

going
on with this guy but then turns around & helps my sister with it & lets

her
know how much I know about things (I never told her I've been reading

the
logs of my sister & her boyfriend...& only recently read the full log

for
my
sister & her). She even offered & agreed to cover for my sister this

past
week, to have my sister stay with her through the week but actually to

let
her spend the night with her boyfriend (19yr old) (she is not only
supportive of an innappropriate relationship with someone who has been
causing my sister some problems, but is willing to lie to me & cover

things
up for her...this after all that we've done for each other too in the

past
5.5 yrs.) So now I've got another problem that has been found too (for
those who don't approve of chat logging & spying in that sense...this is

why
I did it...now I know who to watch out for as well.) My girlfriend & I

have
thought of the possibility of jelousy that she's no longer the only
important person in my life (she did somewhat finish raising me & has

tought
me allot). Though my girlfriend's sister has suggested the possibility

of
jelousy in that I'm not HER boyfriend. We've both disagreed on this due

to
the facts that she's had over 5yrs to have decided to go that direction

with
me had she wanted to, has had more than enough time to have done that

(based
on the timings & amount of time spent together, plus me living with her

this
past summer), & had not shown any interest in anything more than a big
sister type of relationship with me (the reason I'd never thought of

that
possibility myself). My sister acted throughout the conversation as if

she
was quoting/reading a script when making her various claims about what

has
supposedly been different lately (I say this seeing how easy it was to
explain the reasoning to her or correct her on her thoughts & how she
appeared more as if she was looking for proof that those thoughts/ideas
weren't right). There will probably be more to talk to her about later

(as
she was somewhat preocupied at the time...but if I try to sit her down

with
nothing to distract her she ends the conversation very quickly, needing

to
go do something else & wont talk...so thats why I didnt mind her doing

other
things at the time). I'll post an update later on that & any
feedback/questions too.

(for those who think I'm making excuses of why I'm not trying certain

things
& that I'm not really looking for input...if I weren't then why would I

be
taking the time to post/follow up here? For those others who have made
suggestions & comments that have been good ideas & useful, thank you for
your time & please continue to contribute.)

--

--


Good of you to have that talk and hope you had a good trip. Since you

didn't
post anything to the contrary, I am glad to see that your sister didn't

get
into any trouble while you were gone.

She is talking about your girlfriend changing your clothes, you are not on
the Pc as much..... how is this relevant to HER behavior anyways? It just
seemed as though your chat was of 2 adults, when in reality, it is one

adult
in charge and a child.

I let my sister lead the conversation & I just turned it in the
directions/points needed for the time. SHE is the one who brought that
up...she acted as if she had a problem with my girlfriend & was giving this
as arguements for her belief (though they were improper & invalid ones, as I
explained to her). She had tried to say that since I've got with my
girlfriend that is the reason she started this relationship with this
guy...though she failed to remember/acknowledge that she started this thing
of being gone at every chance long before then, started hanging out with the
bad crowd before then, got into trouble before then, & also that we have
tried to include her as much as possible (because when she's with us she's
not with him or with any other form of trouble + she is spending time with
us/me), & that she's seen me leave my girlfriend alone as long as needed to
talk to her when she asked or needed it. I think the reason she brought her
up was either because it was pre-programmed into her head (the jelousy of
the other friend), or she was just looking for an easy excuse/blame game &
needed to be reminded/showed that this was NOT a valid excuse & why it
wasn't. She may have acknowledged the relationship between him & her after
we got together, but we've made sure not to give her any reason to use us as
an excuse to be this way. Also a 3rd possible reason she brought my
girlfriend into this was because she's used to having some problem
(legitimate one, usually the guy being a total a**hole/drunk/druggie/women
beater/loser) with EVERY one of my mom's boyfriends (& may be repeating the
same situation?).

As for the 'friend'..... you never really know someone and may never know
her reasons for what she did. Kick her out of your life and be done with

it.
Your energies are needed elsewhere.

I'll also add that she (this person) is immature at times & is also on
medication for various mental problems (including depression)...maybe that
is playing a part here? She sees my sister as wanting to play & the
immaturity kicks in & she decides that since playing is more fun then to
allow it & when she talks to me & I talk about the problems she is anadult &
realizes the situation & sides with me for that reason???

Have you given any thought to having her sister speak with a professional?

Yes, as soon as we finally get her medical stuff worked out (she's on state
insurance...awaiting her medical card now...should get in another 2 weeks or
so).

BTW: I've never been to a councelor/psychiatrist like this before (I went
when I was a kid for about an 8yr time span, but that was really messed up &
didnt help at all, since the lady would then report anything I said & I'd
get introuble for it & it would end up making things worse for me). How
would my interaction in this be? What would be the best way to have myself
involved in this (though I'd like to know what is going on, I don't want to
repeat what happened with me, & even though I wont punnish her for anything
she says, if I do know what she says or the general idea of it, I'd use it
in the same way as the chat logs & keylogging...for
info/warning/understanding purposes anyway...I wont use it in any way to
cause distrust or anything like that)?
T




  #8  
Old March 25th 04, 12:39 AM
Tiffany
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Update: Problems with 14yr old sister...


Daniel daniel_h_wATyyahooDOTccom wrote in message
...
"Tiffany" wrote in message
...

Daniel daniel_h_wATyyahooDOTccom wrote in message
...


Good of you to have that talk and hope you had a good trip. Since you

didn't
post anything to the contrary, I am glad to see that your sister didn't

get
into any trouble while you were gone.

She is talking about your girlfriend changing your clothes, you are not

on
the Pc as much..... how is this relevant to HER behavior anyways? It

just
seemed as though your chat was of 2 adults, when in reality, it is one

adult
in charge and a child.

I let my sister lead the conversation & I just turned it in the
directions/points needed for the time. SHE is the one who brought that
up...she acted as if she had a problem with my girlfriend & was giving

this
as arguements for her belief (though they were improper & invalid ones, as

I
explained to her). She had tried to say that since I've got with my
girlfriend that is the reason she started this relationship with this
guy...though she failed to remember/acknowledge that she started this

thing
of being gone at every chance long before then, started hanging out with

the
bad crowd before then, got into trouble before then, & also that we have
tried to include her as much as possible (because when she's with us she's
not with him or with any other form of trouble + she is spending time with
us/me), & that she's seen me leave my girlfriend alone as long as needed

to
talk to her when she asked or needed it. I think the reason she brought

her
up was either because it was pre-programmed into her head (the jelousy of
the other friend), or she was just looking for an easy excuse/blame game &
needed to be reminded/showed that this was NOT a valid excuse & why it
wasn't. She may have acknowledged the relationship between him & her

after
we got together, but we've made sure not to give her any reason to use us

as
an excuse to be this way. Also a 3rd possible reason she brought my
girlfriend into this was because she's used to having some problem
(legitimate one, usually the guy being a total a**hole/drunk/druggie/women
beater/loser) with EVERY one of my mom's boyfriends (& may be repeating

the
same situation?).

As for the 'friend'..... you never really know someone and may never

know
her reasons for what she did. Kick her out of your life and be done with

it.
Your energies are needed elsewhere.

I'll also add that she (this person) is immature at times & is also on
medication for various mental problems (including depression)...maybe that
is playing a part here? She sees my sister as wanting to play & the
immaturity kicks in & she decides that since playing is more fun then to
allow it & when she talks to me & I talk about the problems she is anadult

&
realizes the situation & sides with me for that reason???


Yeah, sounds like she has issues. Mental issues could be at play here.
Regardless, she isn't helping the situation.

Have you given any thought to having her sister speak with a

professional?

Yes, as soon as we finally get her medical stuff worked out (she's on

state
insurance...awaiting her medical card now...should get in another 2 weeks

or
so).

BTW: I've never been to a councelor/psychiatrist like this before (I went
when I was a kid for about an 8yr time span, but that was really messed up

&
didnt help at all, since the lady would then report anything I said & I'd
get introuble for it & it would end up making things worse for me). How
would my interaction in this be? What would be the best way to have myself
involved in this (though I'd like to know what is going on, I don't want

to
repeat what happened with me, & even though I wont punnish her for

anything
she says, if I do know what she says or the general idea of it, I'd use it
in the same way as the chat logs & keylogging...for
info/warning/understanding purposes anyway...I wont use it in any way to
cause distrust or anything like that)?
T


When you call and make an appointment for your sister, they will have you
come in also. The counselor will probably talk to you first, alone. Then
sister will be brought in. What the 2 talk about is confidential and unless
something is happening that could or is harming sister, you won't be told
what she says. The counselor SHOULD keep you updated though on progress and
the over all feel of the sessions. The counselor may have sessions that
include both of you, maybe even other family members at times. If sister
isn't comfortable with the first person you see, try others. It would be
better to have some sort of referral, someone with a good reputation.

Tiff


  #9  
Old March 25th 04, 01:12 PM
Daniel
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Update: Problems with 14yr old sister...

Yeah, sounds like she has issues. Mental issues could be at play here.
Regardless, she isn't helping the situation.


Thats more what we expected...her own problems to be causing my sister (&
myself) problems.

When you call and make an appointment for your sister, they will have you
come in also. The counselor will probably talk to you first, alone. Then
sister will be brought in. What the 2 talk about is confidential and

unless
something is happening that could or is harming sister, you won't be told
what she says. The counselor SHOULD keep you updated though on progress

and
the over all feel of the sessions. The counselor may have sessions that
include both of you, maybe even other family members at times. If sister
isn't comfortable with the first person you see, try others. It would be
better to have some sort of referral, someone with a good reputation.

OK...thats what I was hoping for. I want to be able to talk to them first
to let them know about her background & whats going on now so they'll be
able to figure out where to work without having to wait for her to say
things herself (they'll know what sort of questions to ask to get her to
talk about a specific thing rather than having to wait for her to talk about
it on her own & hope she's giving all the info). So when you say that they
will only inform me of details of something if it could or is harming her,
you're meaning (obviously if something is currently happening that I need to
be made aware of) if she is planning on doing something such as running away
& gives them the details of it then I'll be told? Although I did see a
councelor myself for 8 yrs, I can't say for sure how one would normally
opperate. I quickly learned that anything I said (about how I felt or how I
was being treated at home or anything like that) could come back to haunt me
later. Like I said, even if I'm told something I'll only use the
information if needed & will either try to find a way to have gotten the
knowledge elsewhere (so she doesn't quit telling them the trueth) or just
happen to plan something against it (if she is planning on doing something
at a specific time, I could have a last minute change of plans that requires
her to be somewhere else at that time). This is exactly how I use the chat
logs.


  #10  
Old March 25th 04, 01:44 PM
Tiffany
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Update: Problems with 14yr old sister...


Daniel daniel_h_wATyahooDOTcom wrote in message
...
Yeah, sounds like she has issues. Mental issues could be at play here.
Regardless, she isn't helping the situation.


Thats more what we expected...her own problems to be causing my sister (&
myself) problems.

When you call and make an appointment for your sister, they will have

you
come in also. The counselor will probably talk to you first, alone. Then
sister will be brought in. What the 2 talk about is confidential and

unless
something is happening that could or is harming sister, you won't be

told
what she says. The counselor SHOULD keep you updated though on progress

and
the over all feel of the sessions. The counselor may have sessions that
include both of you, maybe even other family members at times. If sister
isn't comfortable with the first person you see, try others. It would be
better to have some sort of referral, someone with a good reputation.

OK...thats what I was hoping for. I want to be able to talk to them first
to let them know about her background & whats going on now so they'll be
able to figure out where to work without having to wait for her to say
things herself (they'll know what sort of questions to ask to get her to
talk about a specific thing rather than having to wait for her to talk

about
it on her own & hope she's giving all the info). So when you say that

they
will only inform me of details of something if it could or is harming her,
you're meaning (obviously if something is currently happening that I need

to
be made aware of) if she is planning on doing something such as running

away
& gives them the details of it then I'll be told? Although I did see a
councelor myself for 8 yrs, I can't say for sure how one would normally
opperate. I quickly learned that anything I said (about how I felt or how

I
was being treated at home or anything like that) could come back to haunt

me
later. Like I said, even if I'm told something I'll only use the
information if needed & will either try to find a way to have gotten the
knowledge elsewhere (so she doesn't quit telling them the trueth) or just
happen to plan something against it (if she is planning on doing something
at a specific time, I could have a last minute change of plans that

requires
her to be somewhere else at that time). This is exactly how I use the

chat
logs.



Even in my profession, I have to uphold total confidentiality. When I see
kids, the parents always want to know what went on. Aside from saying the
session went well, ect. I never indulge any conversation that might have
taken place. And I know from taking my daughter to a physiatrist, she told
me should would not betray my daughters trust unless it was life
threatening.... for instance, my daughter was talking of suicide or there
was a form of abuse going on. Now, had my daughter talked to her about
having sex or doing drugs, I don't know if she would have told me herself. I
believe her approach would have been to eventually have my daughter tell me
herself.

I think the idea would be to have your sister get things off her chest and
learn some skills for making good decisions in life. Our kids don't always
listen to use but may listen to some one else. There is where a professional
comes in.

T


 




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