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My life... (A rant... anyone willing to read and offer any type of advice??)
Well, I really don't know - or, maybe, for once, I really do know...
Saturday... Sucked. Norm went to 'work' but as usual, nothing but a lie. Came home at his convenience, bla bla bla. We ended up getting into a fairly heated argument about lying and trust and all that, and then to cut that short, 8am Sunday morning, it's like he's watching the clock and takes off downstairs. I ended up getting up with him, as I find I always do no matter what, and almost instantly, he's outside dicking around with his pos bike 'fixing' it... B was off at my parents' place since Saturday afternoon (spent the night there) and A was still fast asleep. I figured she wouldn't be up until close to 10, as we had a fairly late night the night before... I then suggested we go upstairs, maybe a nice hot shower and then crawl back into bed. He tells me that sounds like a fine idea and he's done with the bike, go start the shower, he'll be right up. I start the shower and wait about 5 minutes and guess who's not there? I run downstairs back out to the yard to see if he's going to be a while - no sense leaving the shower run if he figures he's going to be at the bike for another 10 or 15 minutes... He's gone. As if I didn't know this, though, because I did. I had a feeling that morning since 8am when he magically woke up before 11am. So, I head back upstairs, get in the shower and have a nice hot shower. I was thinking (although I didn't believe it) that maybe he just went to the gas station to fill the bike's tires up as he had mentioned the day before, or maybe he was just taking the bike out for a quick spin. As if I really believed that though. All Sunday, MIA, as usual. Doesn't come home, doesn't call, nothing. He left his bank card with me the night before, so later Sunday afternoon I hit Walmart and get diapers and all that - stuff he knew we needed. Fairly uneventful afternoon and evening, and I had a pretty good sleep... Woke up once to visit the washroom and... 6am Monday morning, I wake up when the phone rings, thinking it better be an emergency for someone to wake me up half an hour-45 minutes before I have to wake up to get B off to school... It's the boss. Ha. He asks if Norm's up and about yet - he's on his way. I simply said I have no idea if Norm's up, although I doubt he would be. Obviously confused, the boss is wondering what I mean. I, for the first time, didn't lie or cover for Norm, as I have in the past - oh, he's sick this morning... He was up all night sick... Whatever. This time, I simply said I have no idea where he is, I really don't care where he is, he took off 9am on Sunday and hasn't been seen or heard from since. I did apologize to the boss, but whatever. Not my business, problem or concern. The boss sounded fairly ripped with his, "F*ck, whatever. Thanks." I told him I'd pass along a message should I hear from Norm, which I also told him I doubted I would. So, Norm's got the maturity level of a bag of shelled peanuts. Didn't even have the respect or decency to call his boss and even say something like, "Man, I'm so sorry, ****'s hit the fan and I just need a bit of time... I just need a day or two (or however long) to get things back in order..." or, "I hate to do this to you, but I'm staying at this address... Would you be able to pick me up from there for work?" Even, "Gee, I'm not at home right now and I am going to be walking/taking the bus/riding a bike to work, so I might be a bit later if it takes me a bit longer to get there, but I will be at work." Nothing. Didn't call the boss, didn't care that he knows the boss would be calling the house when he was on his way in the morning. Oh, duh, I'm not even there! Maybe I'll avoid wasting HIS time and having him call and wake the house up at 6am! So, anyways, obviously didn't go to work on Monday. Monday night, we had my brother's birthday... We were supposed to go over there for dinner... I called my brother earlier in the afternoon to wish him a quick happy birthday, and he asked who's all coming... I told him I would be coming with the kids... Who else would be coming? He asked if Norm was going to make it (seems my brother really does like him and they seem to get along real well) and I felt horrible, but my bro sounded a bit hurt, almost, when he asked about Norm and I told my brother that Norm most likely won't be there, as I haven't a clue where he is, and I'm not going to beg him to come to the birthday, obviously... Anyways, birthday went just fine, until about 530 or so when my dad hears there's a voice mail on my cell... My dad heard my diaper bag talking to him as he walked in the door, and I saw I had a message... I saw it was Norm's mom calling, and since the day before I had called her to ask her for a phone number, I thought maybe she was getting back to me once she got home from work. No, I didn't have the brains to check the message first, I just picked up my mom's phone and called her back. It was Norm. I told him right up I was sorry I called, I had thought maybe it was his mom returning my call. He said he left me a message, and he wants his money and his bank card, and he wants it now. Sorry about your luck, hon, but I'm on the other side of the city, and the steaks are done and we are all sitting down to eat... Then there's cake and presents as well, sucks to be you. He just keeps bitching about his money (that I took almost all of it out to get diapers and pay the rent and all that)... Anyways, I eventually check my voice mail, and he leaves a nasty message of how he expects I will be dropping his bank card and money off at his mom's house, but he will not be there when I drop it off. I ended up talking to him for a little, asking him if all he really cares about is his bloody bank card and money, and I told him I was not going to drop everything to bring him his card. He knows where my mom lives, he knows where we live. I told him I am NOT going to run around the city chasing after him at his every call, since the last time we did that 4 months ago, B was seriously injured and coulda, shoulda, woulda, we all could have been dead. During the phone conversation, about 15 minutes long, he calms down and becomes human again. He tells me to call him back 'when I'm done' - I told him if he wants to talk to me, HE can call me. He knows our phone number, he knows the cell number. HE can call, and I told him to call. Any time after 8 when the cell is free to call and talk on. He said he'd call right around 8pm that night. Did he call? Of course not! Did I expect him to call? Do you really think I'm still that stupid?? So, that brings us to today, Tuesday. To date, he has yet to call. He has yet to show up or anything like that. Do I really care? Not really, but maybe a bit... I was talking to a girl friend last night, and then again this morning, and we had a good talk. I decided I was going to swallow my pride. I went down, this morning, to the damned welfare office and made an appointment. At this point, no one is going to hire me to work. I'm sick of Norm coming and going as he pleases, having everything on HIS terms. For the next little while, I am going to swallow my pride and get help and get back on my feet. Show him I don't *need* him for us to survive. At least for a while, I'll have that small bit of security that rent will get paid... Bills won't pile up, food will be on the table for meals, there will be diapers... I came home, around 1115am, and I see there's a few messages left for me on M$N... All from guess who! He said something along the lines of, "I really don't know what to say" - "I miss the kids" - "I miss you :'(" (something like that) I replied back, simply, that I can't tell him what to say or what he should say. I miss him too, and both the kids surely miss him, but this is nothing new. You know how to contact me, and all it takes is a phone call if you just want to touch base. I'm not in the mood to fight or make demands. He didn't reply, and come 6ish when his mom gets home from work, he was logged off and she signed in. No more him since the morning. No calls, again, even when I was gone, no more messages or anything. MIA, as usual. I then talked to my mom a bit earlier, and after a few minutes, she then told me I should be going down to the welfare place. I didn't tell her earlier today I already had, I said I would do this tomorrow. The good thing that she said, and that I had already thought of, was I would then not need to try and fight maintenance enforcement. Welfare will do that dirty work for me. I also need to get the maintenance for B upped - he's getting damn expensive - and get something in place for A. Welfare will do both of those things, and they will do it faster and more efficiently, and I should just be able to wait it out. With B's maintenance payments raised and with something in order for A, bye bye to welfare... I believe I could make it on that alone (this is assuming something can be changed, and hopefully go for the max amount) until I can get back in school and working, which I definitely plan to do, but obviously can't really consider just yet. So anyways, that brings me to where I am right now. Sure, I feel so tired of everything, and yes, I do love the jerk, although I do not love the jerkish things he does. As of now, I've had a lot of time to sit and think... Where am I? Where should I be? Where do I want to be? How do I make it work for me, and the kids? Right now, I have it all planned - but then again, when do plans ever really pan out exactly how you want and like them to??? He's gone. I made that clear to him on Monday. I don't want or need him back here, and he can now take some time to decide what he wants. He can see and do what it takes for him to make his own decisions like a big boy. If that takes 2 months, fine. If it takes 6 months, fine. If it never happens, well, at least I will know that, and there's no reason for this crap to happen. It doesn't do anyone any good at all. Let him go, set him free. I need it, he needs it. Everyone needs that right now more than ever. This time, though, it's going to be on MY terms. He's going to have to prove anything he says, because, quite frankly, I'm not going to buy his bs stories any more. I'm not going to give him my trust - he's lost it one time now too many, and trust is something he now has to earn back and he has to prove he wants and needs. I'm going to play it safe. I am thinking I'll just lay low and see where things go. Now, let's just say for argument's sake, he stays gone for oh, 3 months (keep it simple). He does everything he can to gain and earn and keep trust... Maybe he drops by to visit with the kids, and even me, maybe has supper but goes wherever his home may be at the time... He helps put the kids to bed, maybe we watch some TV, both get tired and he heads off home. He goes to work every day and doesn't blow money - on stupid things, video games, booze, drugs, eating out at restaurants every day - just becomes more responsible in the sensible way... Provides money to help with life - maybe swings by with some groceries for all of us to have supper and a bag of diapers... This goes on for some time, things (obviously best case scenario) seem to be great. He calls when he says he'll call, he shows up when he says he'll come visit, he'll take the kids to the part when he promises them that, whatever... Then, I guess, see how it goes... Maybe things will change and almost be like a new start. Keep in mind, best case scenario... Maybe consider some individual councilling, maybe try the couples one or maybe even a family therapist of some sort... Is this kind of expectation unrealistic? Is it possible for things to be downright horrible, yet saved somehow? I just think best case scenario is he pulls his socks up and grows up. Worst case scenario is he doesn't, but at least we'll be out of it all and don't have constant **** to dig out of all the time. Middle ground would be he turns out to be an awesome part time dad - like if we just keep to being civil and loving and not really together. For now, I said, this is a break. He said he agreed. I had told him straight up that I am NOT and I will not be looking for someone else, someone better, someone new - this is the truth. He told me he would never do that either and that he misses me and does love me, but right now, things aren't good - I did agree, and that is one thing I do trust him on. I do see this is a fairly bad situation, maybe even closer to being bad bad situation, but... Do you think this *might* stand some chance of turning out just fine with time? Am I (or even we) approaching this in a way that is any worse than the way things currently seem to be, and even clearly are? Am I setting things up for a major disaster or is there that chance that's still there? |
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