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#1
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What was my mistake?
Our 12 yo daughter is a great girl. She trusts us, doesn't lie, is a
very good student, a sweetheart...and a bit sidetracked too. She's s never done anything that hurt us, but she loves having fun and sometimes acts without tinking, putting herself at risk. We got to know a few times she went on a motorbike ride, on the back seat, with some kids we'd like her to stay away from. We talked with her, told her about how dangerous this thing is and she promised she wouldn't do that again. But last week she met those kids, they insisted, our DD ended up giving in to peer pressure and unfortunately there was a small accident. She tought she hadn't been hurt and the only consequence was having her jeans torn. She got home by 4 pm, my wife and I was at work, she took a shower, changed her clothes and apparently everything was OK. We didn't notice she'd had an accident. But the next day her right leg started hurting bad, and for the whole morning and afternoon she managed to bear with that pain and hide the truth from us. By 6 pm she finally told us what had happened and we took her to a Dr. She had some internal injuries and if she had kept procrastinating there'd be bad consequences. When we got back home she cried a lot, apologized, said she had hidden the truth from us for almost a day because she was feeling bad with herself and ashamed of what she had done. She said she would end up telling us the truth even if nothing had happened. I belive, I was a teen too and can understand such things. We forgave her and said we regretted she had learned her lesson the hard way. But then I was wondering, my God, are we so bad parents that our daughter had rather bearing with an intense pain than asking for our help? I felt like a monster. Am I a so scary dad to my DD? We've always treated our kids with love, we've always been understanding, they've never been spanked, have never got a harsh punishment. We told her if she hadn't had that accident then, yes, she'd be grounded for some days, but her grounding, of course, would be infinitely better than what she went through. I did something wrong but can't realize why. SCA |
#2
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Sounds like a perfectly normal girl who let peer-pressure get the better of
her. Jeff PS, You may want to talk to her about peer-pressure. |
#3
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In message .com, SCA
writes [...] When we got back home she cried a lot, apologized, said she had hidden the truth from us for almost a day because she was feeling bad with herself and ashamed of what she had done. She said she would end up telling us the truth even if nothing had happened. [...] But then I was wondering, my God, are we so bad parents that our daughter had rather bearing with an intense pain than asking for our help? I felt like a monster. Am I a so scary dad to my DD? We've always treated our kids with love, we've always been understanding, they've never been spanked, have never got a harsh punishment. We told her if she hadn't had that accident then, yes, she'd be grounded for some days, but her grounding, of course, would be infinitely better than what she went through. I did something wrong but can't realize why. It sounds to me as if the reason she hid what had happened is not because she was afraid of any punishment you'd inflict, but because she was afraid of disappointing you and of you thinking less of her. If so, then I don't think that's a sign of you doing anything wrong - quite the contrary. It shows your opinion is very important to her, which strikes me as just the way it should be. All the best, Sarah -- "I once requested an urgent admission for a homeopath who had become depressed and taken a massive underdose" - Phil Peverley |
#4
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I don't think you made any mistakes, although I think now would be a good
time to make sure that she understands that you are older and wiser, and not out to get her, only to protect her. She needs to understand that you are there when she screws up, that you are there not to give her trouble and ground her everytime she makes a mistake. You have to let her learn from her mistakes. You will not always be pleased with her actions, but finding out later that she did something that you disapprove of is going to make you upset, because she didn't own up to the mistake she made. Overall it sounds like she's a pretty good kid, who is 12 and wanting to experiment, your job is to tell her the things her "friends" don't. She has to make up her own mind about what is right and wrong.... whatever actions she chooses have consequenses, she just has to make sure she knows what the consequences are.... disappointing you, ending up hurt, or misising out on a potentially good time, Karen "SCA" wrote in message oups.com... Our 12 yo daughter is a great girl. She trusts us, doesn't lie, is a very good student, a sweetheart...and a bit sidetracked too. She's s never done anything that hurt us, but she loves having fun and sometimes acts without tinking, putting herself at risk. We got to know a few times she went on a motorbike ride, on the back seat, with some kids we'd like her to stay away from. We talked with her, told her about how dangerous this thing is and she promised she wouldn't do that again. But last week she met those kids, they insisted, our DD ended up giving in to peer pressure and unfortunately there was a small accident. She tought she hadn't been hurt and the only consequence was having her jeans torn. She got home by 4 pm, my wife and I was at work, she took a shower, changed her clothes and apparently everything was OK. We didn't notice she'd had an accident. But the next day her right leg started hurting bad, and for the whole morning and afternoon she managed to bear with that pain and hide the truth from us. By 6 pm she finally told us what had happened and we took her to a Dr. She had some internal injuries and if she had kept procrastinating there'd be bad consequences. When we got back home she cried a lot, apologized, said she had hidden the truth from us for almost a day because she was feeling bad with herself and ashamed of what she had done. She said she would end up telling us the truth even if nothing had happened. I belive, I was a teen too and can understand such things. We forgave her and said we regretted she had learned her lesson the hard way. But then I was wondering, my God, are we so bad parents that our daughter had rather bearing with an intense pain than asking for our help? I felt like a monster. Am I a so scary dad to my DD? We've always treated our kids with love, we've always been understanding, they've never been spanked, have never got a harsh punishment. We told her if she hadn't had that accident then, yes, she'd be grounded for some days, but her grounding, of course, would be infinitely better than what she went through. I did something wrong but can't realize why. SCA |
#5
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SCA wrote:
I belive, I was a teen too and can understand such things. We forgave her and said we regretted she had learned her lesson the hard way. But then I was wondering, my God, are we so bad parents that our daughter had rather bearing with an intense pain than asking for our help? I felt like a monster. Am I a so scary dad to my DD? We've always treated our kids with love, we've always been understanding, they've never been spanked, have never got a harsh punishment. We told her if she hadn't had that accident then, yes, she'd be grounded for some days, but her grounding, of course, would be infinitely better than what she went through. I did something wrong but can't realize why. SCA You are not the first parents who have had a child do this. I have a friend who completely lost the sight in one eye because she didn't tell her parents about the accident she had with an air gun when at a friend's house where she wasn't supposed to be. -- Penny Gaines UK mum to three |
#6
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Thank you all for your comments.
Yes, she was afraid she would disappoint us. But now shes sure we=B4ll always be there for her, even when she messes up, and our love is unconditional. And, again, we reassured her that any punishment from us is out of love and much better than the consequences life may inflict on her. She learned a lesson, unfortunately, the hard way. It'll take time for her leg to be completely OK and she'll miss some of the fun she would have in her summer vacation. She didn't deserve that, life was very harsh on her. I'm still abit upset, couldn't underdstand why she was so afraid we'd get disappointed with her. If there'd be no accident and she told us the what she did, she'd probabbly be grounded for some days, but with love. We'd understand peer pressure, we'd never say hurtful things to her like "You disappointed us so much, we don't trust you any more". We'd say something like "We understand, we know you're a good girl, we're not hurt, but, hon, you need a lesson for your best and will get grounded for some days just to think about what you did". But this is past, what we have to do know is take care of her leg and make sure our lovely girl will follow rigorously the doctor orders, which includes getting grounded for about 10 days, because she can't force her leg SCA. |
#7
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MY God, this is really sad. Really sorry for the children and her
parents. This shows it's extremely important that our children trust us. SCA |
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