play date -- did I do the right thing?

I've been trying to get DS into playdates at school. We finally got one
with a group that DS plays with at school, so I was excited for him. Some
time into the playdate, the four boys start fighting -- hitting, kicking,
punching. They were really fighting, but the other moms weren't doing
anything to stop it. I think they think it's normal for boys to fight and
unless things get bad, they don't stop it. Being that it was DS who seemed
to be the object of their aggression, I went to stop the fight. I had them
all sit down and then told everyone to calm down and breathe. They then
decided they were calm, DS said he was calm and then all was well. I really
didn't want it to be a discipline, as I think that would be offensive to the
other moms. It went over well with the boys. Was this a no-no, however?
Would it qualify as discipline of your child for anyone here and would you
find it offensive?

toypup wrote:
I've been trying to get DS into playdates at school. We finally got one
with a group that DS plays with at school, so I was excited for him. Some
time into the playdate, the four boys start fighting -- hitting, kicking,
punching. They were really fighting, but the other moms weren't doing
anything to stop it. I think they think it's normal for boys to fight and
unless things get bad, they don't stop it. Being that it was DS who seemed
to be the object of their aggression, I went to stop the fight. I had them
all sit down and then told everyone to calm down and breathe. They then
decided they were calm, DS said he was calm and then all was well. I really
didn't want it to be a discipline, as I think that would be offensive to the
other moms. It went over well with the boys. Was this a no-no, however?
Would it qualify as discipline of your child for anyone here and would you
find it offensive?

Wouldn't bug me, but I'm firmly in the camp of
those who will cheerfully say something to other people's
kids if it's on my turf or if my kids are involved.

Best wishes,
Ericka

"toypup" wrote in message
et...
I've been trying to get DS into playdates at school. We finally got
one with a group that DS plays with at school, so I was excited for
him. Some time into the playdate, the four boys start fighting --
hitting, kicking, punching. They were really fighting, but the
other moms weren't doing anything to stop it. I think they think
it's normal for boys to fight and unless things get bad, they don't
stop it. Being that it was DS who seemed to be the object of their
aggression, I went to stop the fight. I had them all sit down and
then told everyone to calm down and breathe. They then decided they
were calm, DS said he was calm and then all was well. I really
didn't want it to be a discipline, as I think that would be
offensive to the other moms. It went over well with the boys. Was
this a no-no, however? Would it qualify as discipline of your child
for anyone here and would you find it offensive?

No. I might find it offensive if someone came over and said something
to my children only, but if there is a group together, then any mom of
any kid in the group is equally welcome to jump in.

I'm surprised the other moms thought this was normal though. I have
an 8YO, and while he and his friends can get energetic and even
wrestle sometimes, punching, kicking and hitting are all out of bounds
and they all know it. I will even stop the wrestling if the
excitement level is high enough that I think it could spill over into
less acceptable physical contact. And if they aren't laughing, it
gets stopped immediately.

Honestly, if this is considered "normal behavior" in this group, I'd
take a pass. You could get together with the boys one-on-one where
it's less likely to get this crazy.

Bizby

toypup wrote:
I've been trying to get DS into playdates at school. We finally got one
with a group that DS plays with at school, so I was excited for him. Some
time into the playdate, the four boys start fighting -- hitting, kicking,
punching. They were really fighting, but the other moms weren't doing
anything to stop it. I think they think it's normal for boys to fight and
unless things get bad, they don't stop it. Being that it was DS who seemed
to be the object of their aggression, I went to stop the fight. I had them
all sit down and then told everyone to calm down and breathe. They then
decided they were calm, DS said he was calm and then all was well. I really
didn't want it to be a discipline, as I think that would be offensive to the
other moms. It went over well with the boys. Was this a no-no, however?
Would it qualify as discipline of your child for anyone here and would you
find it offensive?

I would have been in stopping the fight too. There is never any reason
to punch, kick and hit another person.

-L.

"bizby40" wrote in message
...
Honestly, if this is considered "normal behavior" in this group, I'd take
a pass. You could get together with the boys one-on-one where it's less
likely to get this crazy.


I'm not sure how normal they thought this to be or if they just were too
busy talking. I do know that when I went stop them, the moms did not also
join me (and they knew why I was going to the boys). I was keeping close
tabs on DS, when I saw him possibly fighting again, but it turned out to be
him pretending to be a Power Ranger. I told the other mom that if DS got
himself into another fight, I told him we were going home. The other mom
said at that point that they are boys and they fight all the time. I'm not
sure she meant just playfighting, because they do do that all the time. I
do know I was seriously keeping tabs on DS and I was serious about checking
on his fighting when she made that comment. Yes, if we go to more of these
and the moms don't control their boys, I'd be inclined to pass, too. Yes,
DS does do better one-on-one.

toypup wrote:
"bizby40" wrote in message
...
Honestly, if this is considered "normal behavior" in this group, I'd take
a pass. You could get together with the boys one-on-one where it's less
likely to get this crazy.


I'm not sure how normal they thought this to be or if they just were too
busy talking. I do know that when I went stop them, the moms did not also
join me (and they knew why I was going to the boys). I was keeping close
tabs on DS, when I saw him possibly fighting again, but it turned out to be
him pretending to be a Power Ranger. I told the other mom that if DS got
himself into another fight, I told him we were going home. The other mom
said at that point that they are boys and they fight all the time. I'm not
sure she meant just playfighting, because they do do that all the time. I
do know I was seriously keeping tabs on DS and I was serious about checking
on his fighting when she made that comment. Yes, if we go to more of these
and the moms don't control their boys, I'd be inclined to pass, too. Yes,
DS does do better one-on-one.

Oy. I'm totally with you on this one. I have a hard time believing
the other moms were ok with punching and kicking!!!

Irene

toypup wrote:
"bizby40" wrote in message
...
Honestly, if this is considered "normal behavior" in this group, I'd take
a pass. You could get together with the boys one-on-one where it's less
likely to get this crazy.


I'm not sure how normal they thought this to be or if they just were too
busy talking. I do know that when I went stop them, the moms did not also
join me (and they knew why I was going to the boys). I was keeping close
tabs on DS, when I saw him possibly fighting again, but it turned out to be
him pretending to be a Power Ranger. I told the other mom that if DS got
himself into another fight, I told him we were going home. The other mom
said at that point that they are boys and they fight all the time. I'm not
sure she meant just playfighting, because they do do that all the time. I
do know I was seriously keeping tabs on DS and I was serious about checking
on his fighting when she made that comment. Yes, if we go to more of these
and the moms don't control their boys, I'd be inclined to pass, too. Yes,
DS does do better one-on-one.

(Because I forget -- how old is DS?)

I'm completely with you on stopping the physical fighting -- I've never
had a 'small' group playdate (1, but 5) that worked out well, either
for reasons of physical fighting or emotional 'she won't play with me'
fighting, and I hate hate hate to intercede.

Caledonia

Irene wrote:

Oy. I'm totally with you on this one. I have a hard time believing
the other moms were ok with punching and kicking!!!

I hate that excuse: "Boys fight all the time." Um, no they don't - if
they are supervised/coached well.

-L.

"Caledonia" wrote in message
oups.com...
(Because I forget -- how old is DS?)

5yo.


I'm completely with you on stopping the physical fighting -- I've never
had a 'small' group playdate (1, but 5) that worked out well, either
for reasons of physical fighting or emotional 'she won't play with me'
fighting, and I hate hate hate to intercede.

"He won't play with me" is a big problem. The kids tend to gang up on each
other for some reason. DS has been on both sides of that. I'd like him to
learn to get along better in groups, but I'm not sure how to facilitate
that.

"toypup" wrote in message
t...

"Caledonia" wrote in message
oups.com...
(Because I forget -- how old is DS?)

5yo.


I'm completely with you on stopping the physical fighting -- I've
never
had a 'small' group playdate (1, but 5) that worked out well,
either
for reasons of physical fighting or emotional 'she won't play with
me'
fighting, and I hate hate hate to intercede.

"He won't play with me" is a big problem. The kids tend to gang up
on each other for some reason. DS has been on both sides of that.
I'd like him to learn to get along better in groups, but I'm not
sure how to facilitate that.

I agree with Cal that 4 or 5 kids is an awkward number. If there are
only 2 or 3 kids, they can generally agree on something they can all
do. If it's a large group like the 15 or 20 there would be in a
typical classroom, they usually split into small splinter groups. But
with 4 or 5, it's too small a group to split and too large to come to
consensus.

If I watch the kids on the playground at DS's school, it seems to me
that the kids split up by activity. Recently they've started playing
soccer, and you might have 10 or 15 kids involved, but only those kids
that *want* to play soccer. There is also a group that likes to build
and dig in the mulch, the group that likes to play "hot lava" on the
play structure, the group that likes to pretend there's a fort under
the platform, the group that likes to go on nature explorations and so
on (the entire 3rd grade is at recess together, so there are about 50
kids altogether).

If it were me, I'd concentrate on encouraging individual friendships,
figuring that if he has several kids he considers friends, then surely
at least one of them will be involved in an activity he enjoys at
recess.

Bizby