My Wife's Sense of Inadequacy

I have a question and figured this was as good a place as any to ask for
advice. My wife has been unable to produce adequate milk to breastfeed our
son and she feels inadequate as a result of this. I tell her that it's not
her fault but she refuses to believe it. She seems to think that she has
done something wrong in the past and that this is her punishment. She has
large breasts and we both thought that this would mean the production of
milk wouldn't be a problem. I guess we didn't do our homework. Or she's
just an unusual case. This experience has ruined what we thought would be a
joyous time in our lives. My question is this: What can I tell her to help
ease her mind a little? I find myself at a loss in putting it just right.
I'm conscious of stumbling in the attempt, which seems to make things even
worse. Any suggestions? Thank you.

Michael

Michael Rosen writes:
: I have a question and figured this was as good a place as any to ask for
: advice. My wife has been unable to produce adequate milk to breastfeed our
: son and she feels inadequate as a result of this. I tell her that it's not
: her fault but she refuses to believe it. She seems to think that she has
: done something wrong in the past and that this is her punishment. She has
: large breasts and we both thought that this would mean the production of
: milk wouldn't be a problem. I guess we didn't do our homework. Or she's
: just an unusual case. This experience has ruined what we thought would be a
: joyous time in our lives. My question is this: What can I tell her to help
: ease her mind a little? I find myself at a loss in putting it just right.
: I'm conscious of stumbling in the attempt, which seems to make things even
: worse. Any suggestions? Thank you.

: Michael

The answer to this question is not as simple as your question seems to hint.
First, how old is your baby? There are often a lot of things that happen
during the birth experience that can sabotogue a woman's attempt to
breastfeed, and this can even be caused by well meaning nurses or other
professinal personnel.

If the baby is still young enough, there may still be time to try to
improve your wife's supply so that she could nurse directly.

Just to round out things, the most likely culprits for real inadequacy
is breast reduction (or enlargement) surgery which cuts the milk ducts,
and a birth experience which includes the possibility of a retained
placenta or parts of a retained placenta. So the first questioh is
has your wife every had breast reduction or augmentation surgery?
Second, was the birth vaginal or a c-section, and was there any
hemorhage problem or other reason to think there was any retained
placenta fragments. Did she have to have a later D&C to stop bleeding?

If none of these things happened, then we have to look further for the
reason. How long did your wife try to breastfeed before she gave up
the attempt. How old is the baby now. Usually a mothers milk comes in
between 3 and 5 days after birth, and it is not wise to supplement before
then. If supplementation is necessary, she should also not use a bottle
but should use gavage, an SNS system, or some other method that does not
compromise the baby's ability to suck.

Why don't your repost your questions with a little more detail about
your history and how you jointly came to the conclusion that she was
not producting enough milk. You should also tell us what techiniques
you tried to use to increase her milk supply, and how long you employed
those techniques.

Best wishes,
Larry

Michael Rosen wrote:
I have a question and figured this was as good a place as any to ask for
advice. My wife has been unable to produce adequate milk to breastfeed our
son and she feels inadequate as a result of this. I tell her that it's not
her fault but she refuses to believe it. She seems to think that she has
done something wrong in the past and that this is her punishment. She has
large breasts and we both thought that this would mean the production of
milk wouldn't be a problem. I guess we didn't do our homework. Or she's
just an unusual case. This experience has ruined what we thought would be a
joyous time in our lives. My question is this: What can I tell her to help
ease her mind a little? I find myself at a loss in putting it just right.
I'm conscious of stumbling in the attempt, which seems to make things even
worse. Any suggestions? Thank you.

I had a hell of a time breastfeeding my now-12-week-old baby. It took
her 4 weeks to gain back her birthweight, instead of the recommended
two. We were going to the ped. weekly for weigh-ins. We did
supplement a little, but we're not supplementing much anymore. If I
try, she refuses, so I figure she isn't hungry anymore. When she was
hungry, she took it. When she's not, she lets it run right out the
side of her mouth.

Here's what worked for me:

1) Reglan - available by prescription from your doctor. Get
domperidone if you can, though, because it's supposed to be better.
Unfortunately, it's uncommon, so doctors are unfamiliar with it and
unwilling to prescribe it, and if you can get a prescription, it has to
be compounded. Your doctor will tell you which pharmacies in your area
are compounding pharmacies.
2) Oxytocin nasal spray - again, this has to be compounded, but using
it for a few days "teaches" the breasts to let down. It made a major
difference for me.
3) Fenugreek - available at the health food store. You have to take a
bunch - I take 8 - 12 capsules a day - but it helps my milk production.
I'm still on it. Buy it online - it's cheaper than the health food
store by half.
4) Oatmeal - eat it. Also keeps you regular, which is happy.
5) Call the La Leche League and talk to a leader. Have her evaluate
the baby's latch. It turns out my kid was latching poorly, which led
to low supply. The first day that I corrected this, after seeing the
LLL leader, I leaked through my shirt for the first time.

I cried and cried over having to supplement (both with an SNS and a
bottle). I'm pump resistant, too, so that makes it even harder, I
can't even pump off a bottle for the baby. But you know what? It's
working now. It took a hell of a lot of blood, sweat, and tears, and a
lot of being willing to try anything, but my kid is gaining well, now.
She weighed 10 lb. 5 oz. today at the doc. That's a gain of 18 oz. in
less than 3 weeks, which is right on track.

How old is your baby? Have you already switched to formula? Have your
wife e-mail me, if she wants. Only someone who has been there can
truly understand how it feels. In fact, if she would rather talk on
the phone, e-mail me your phone number and I'll call her tomorrow. I'm
assuming you're in the US from your e-mail address.

I know what you mean about it ruining the joyous time. It did for us,
too. That, and some PPD that I refused to admit. But we're doing so
much better now at 12 weeks. It really will be ok. Hang in there.

Take care,
Amy

It's difficult to be much of a comfort, because it is so rare for a women to
be genuinely unable to produce enough milk, Larry and Amy have posted
wonderful suggestions and if she does fall into the catergory of not being
able to produce enough then you can comfort her that is is rare and not her
fault. If she doesn't then depending on how old your baby is, it may not be
too late. I felt awful supplementing my first, it was partly him having
quite a weak suck so my supply dipped and it took a long time to get it back
up, also I was quite ill, so I wasn't looking after myself properly. He was
supplemented from 4.5 months to about 6 months. At that stage most people
wouldn't have bothered getting supply back up, but for me it was really
important, for a month my aim was to get him back to fully breastfed, we had
just about cracked it, then there was another blip, so he had mostly formula
overlapping with him starting solids, but we got him back exclusively to the
breast and ebm when at daycare and he nursed until 17 months.

The really good thing is that despite having such trouble first time, with
such a sensitive supply that even a long sleep could reduce milk production
for several days, 2nd time around everything is going swimmingly, this time
a long sleep is more likely to lead to a plugged duct!

Cheers

Anne

In message , Michael
Rosen writes
I have a question and figured this was as good a place as any to ask for
advice. My wife has been unable to produce adequate milk to breastfeed our
son and she feels inadequate as a result of this. I tell her that it's not
her fault but she refuses to believe it.

I'm so sorry that your wife is finding this so hard.

Firstly, considering how many women apparently consider 'I don't want to
lose my figure' or 'I don't want to be tied down' as a reason not even
to _try_ to breastfeed, I would say your wife is to be commended greatly
for even trying. I'm sorry to hear it didn't work out, although, as
Larry and Amy pointed out, the possibility of breastfeeding may not be
past tense. I do know that it must be difficult and disappointing for
her if she wanted to breastfeed and couldn't do so. But it's worrying
that her reaction has been so strong.

She seems to think that she has
done something wrong in the past and that this is her punishment.

That's very concerning. She may be thinking of something specific that
she believes she's done wrong (which may or may not be something she
feels able to tell you about, if she's deeply ashamed of whatever it
is). If she's already feeling eaten up by guilt over some real or
imagined past misdeed, this may simply have given her guilt something to
focus on. Alternatively, of course, it's perfectly possible that she
doesn't have anything specific in mind but simply believes that if she
were a better person she'd be able to keep to some standard of Perfect
Motherhood that she's created in her mind.

Either way, this isn't mentally healthy. This sort of thinking can
sometimes (only sometimes) be a sign of clinical depression. It can
also help _cause_ clinical depression (these things can be a vicious
circle). She needs to explore these feelings, quite possibly with the
help of a cognitive therapist (cognitive therapy is a branch of therapy
that works on challenging these sorts of negative assumptions and
beliefs and replacing them with a more realistic outlook).

Does she normally set harsh standards for judging herself? If this is
part of a pattern, it could be that she needs to learn to be less harsh
on herself overall. Does she normally set standards this harsh in
judging others? She may well be easier on others than she is on herself,
and this may be helpful in getting her to gain more perspective. For
example, it would be worth finding out whether her own mother breastfed
her and whether this is something she factors into her assessment of
whether her mother did a good mothering job. (My mother gave up
breastfeeding me when I was six weeks old, due to terrible advice from a
stupid, insensitive jerk of a doctor, but that has never affected the
way I feel about her overall capabilities as a mother or caused me to
think any less of her. If the same is true of your wife, then this may
help her to realise that your baby will someday feel the same way.)

Obviously, if the advice other people have given you in this thread
works and she does manage to breastfeed after all, that will be a
wonderful bonus. However, even if that happens, she still needs to look
at why she's being so hard on herself over this. If she keeps on
judging herself this harshly over every real or imagined infraction of
whatever standards she's set for herself, it's going to have major
consequences for her and your son's enjoyment of their relationship.

Please do stay in touch and let us know more details and update us on
how things are going.


All the best,

Sarah

--
http://www.goodenoughmummy.blogspot.com

But how do we _know_ that nobody ever said on their deathbed that they wished
they’d spent more time at the office?

Michael Rosen wrote:
I have a question and figured this was as good a place as any to ask for
advice. My wife has been unable to produce adequate milk to breastfeed our
son and she feels inadequate as a result of this.

More details on this would really be useful in tracking down what went
wrong here.

She has
large breasts and we both thought that this would mean the production of
milk wouldn't be a problem.


The fact that you believed this indicates that you were both lacking
knowledge about breastfeeding, and I can't help but wonder if the lack
of information/misinformation may have contributed to whatever problems
you had.

--
tristyn
www.tristyn.net

Oh, believe me, I know, I know! My daughter was born prematurely and was
unable to nurse due to low oral tone and a reduced sucking reflex, and by
the time she was able to breastfeed, she had developed a real aversion to
the breast, caused by my following the LC's advice to try to latch her on
before giving her a bottle so she wouldn't forget how to latch. Well, she
didn't forget how to latch, but she did learn that the breast gives no milk,
so get that thing out of my face and feed me. Nothing like having your child
scream bloody murder at the sight of your breast to make you feel
inadequate, especially, if you're a perfectionist by nature.

In my case (and I'm wondering if this is the case for your wife, too), I
think I had decided that breastfeeding was one thing I could control, after
a pregnancy where nothing was in my control. I was considered to be about as
high risk as it is possible to get. My first pregnancy had not only resulted
in the loss of the baby, but came very close to killing me as well, and as a
result, I had about the most medicallized pregnancy on the books, with
medical monitoring from 3 weeks after conception, reduced activity almost
from day 1, strict bedrest from 22 weeks, and in and out of the hospital
from 30 weeks. So, psychologically, I had a lot tied up into breastfeeding,
and when my daughter started losing weight dramatically (and I could tell
she wasn't getting anything-something the hospital nurses didn't believe),
it hit me like a brick wall.

For me, getting a good LC and pumping helped, because I could SEE that what
I was doing had a result. Now, at 11 months, I'm not quite meeting my
daughter's demand, although I'm close-but, she's still getting breast
milk-and I'm still responsible for it.

My biggest advice is to not run away from breastfeeding groups. Yes, it
hurts to hear from women who manage to give birth on the way to the hospital
(or to have completely non-medicalized home births) and to nurse within
minutes of delivery-but there has also been a lot of support and reassurance
that yes, what I'm doing has value-even if it isn't all breastmilk, all the
time.

--
Donna DeVore Metler
Orff Music Specialist/Kindermusik
Mother to Angel Brian Anthony 1/1/2002, 22 weeks, severe PE/HELLP
And Allison Joy, 11/25/04 (35 weeks, PIH, Pre-term labor)

Michael Rosen wrote:
I have a question and figured this was as good a place as any to ask for
advice. My wife has been unable to produce adequate milk to breastfeed our
son and she feels inadequate as a result of this.

Your wife tried, and you are supportive, so
you are already good parents.

Having said that, how do you (and she) know
that what she produced was not adequate for
your son? Is it just because he "didn't seem
full" after nursing? Can you give us more
information? It is rare that a woman truly
does not have sufficient supply, and all hope
is not lost.

Can you give us more information so we have
an idea of what happened?

-- Anita --