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Feeling like a parental failure today :( (long)



 
 
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  #1  
Old August 14th 03, 05:57 AM
Andrea
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Feeling like a parental failure today :( (long)

Judging from my children's behavior today, I feel like I must be in dire need
of some serious parenting help. I don't know what to do. I'm hoping that
someone here can give me some advice.

I took Jordan & Madison with me to a Kelly's Kids show at a friend's house so I
could make sure I ordered the right size dresses for them. My friend took them
up to her daughter's playroom so they could play while I looked around. When
it was time to go I told them to clean up because we had to go visit their
cousin. They both threw tantrums. They were screaming and crying and wouldn't
clean up. We finally got the playroom cleaned up and went downstairs. I told
them to say "thank you" to my friend for letting them play in the playroom.
They refused to say it. I thanked her, and since I didn't want to cause
another scene or get into a power struggle I didn't push the issue. When we
were walking out I saw another friend of mine, whom Jordan & Madison also know.
She said hello to them and I told them to reply by telling her hi. They
pouted and refused to say it and Madison even told me "NO!" By this time I was
completely mortified. Of course there were about 5 other people there that I
also know, who were witnessing my kids' belligerence.

When we got to the car I told the girls that I was disappointed in their
behavior and that they should have thanked Miss Jamie for letting them play and
told Miss Cindy hello when she spoke to them. In the past I have told them
over and over that they need to say "hi" when someone says hello to them. etc.,
etc.

Afterwards we were having lunch with a friend of mine at Applebees. When we
got inside the girls saw they had balloons and they started yelling to the
hostess "I want a red balloon!" "I want a blue balloon!" I told them they
were being rude and that they needed to say "please" and ask nicely. Once
again I was completely mortified. I realize they're still young, but I don't
speak to people this way and they know they're not supposed to speak to people
like that either! I was completely shocked. I thought about telling them they
weren't going to get a balloon, but after I corrected them they did ask the
hostess again politely.

So we're sitting down in the restaurant and the girls are being sooooo loud.
My friend and I keep telling them to use their inside voices, but they
continued to be loud. Then they started fighting over the crayons and trying
to kick each other under the table! Jordan started grabbing all the crayons so
that Madison couldn't have any and at that point I took her to the restroom and
had a chat with her. She started screaming and crying as soon as I picked her
up from the table and we had to stay in the restroom for about 15 minutes until
she settled down and was ready to listen. I would have taken them & left the
restauraunt if my friend had not been with us. After that their behavior
improved somewhat.

Then tonight after I had bathed them and washed their hair Madison went into
the bathroom and brushed her teeth by herself, got water and toothpaste
everywhere, and ate I don't know how much toothpaste (according to her it was
"a lot"). There was blue toothpaste all in her hair, on her pajamas, the
mirror, sink, and counters. We've told her over and over that she needs a
grown-up to help her brush her teeth and that she's not supposed to eat the
toothpaste. I thought it was out of her reach, but apparently I was wrong.

So anyway, Dh reads the tube and says that it states we should call Poison
Control if it's been ingested. So I called them (Madison's name's already on
file with them) and they said to make her drink 6-8 oz. of milk and to check on
her every 15-30 minutes for the next 6 hours. The woman said Madison would
probably end up with a stomach ache and to call her back if she started
throwing up excessively. So far she's been fine (knock wood).

Does anyone have any suggestions for dealing with rude behavior in public? If
we had been at home I would have told them to do to time-out in their rooms
until they were ready to be nice, but I am obviously having trouble dealing
with this type of behavior in public. We go out to eat for lunch once or twice
per week, so eating in a restaurant is not a new experience for them and I
think it's important that they learn to behave in that setting. I don't expect
them to sit there silently and use impeccable table manners, but I do think
they should be able to act somewhat civilized. I always bring crayons or
something for them to do quietly while we are waiting for our food, but this
isn't helping. Any suggestions? I feel like a parental failure today.

Thank You,
Andrea
twin girls-Madison & Jordan
3/22/00
  #2  
Old August 14th 03, 12:56 PM
Shirley M...have a goodaa \\;-\)
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Feeling like a parental failure today :( (long)

You are ok. The kids are ok. My DH and I almost never went out with the
twins at that age. They start getting antsy and their attention span as
well as the overwhelming stimulation sometimes gets to them and you don't
have a very good time.

As far as the hi to people that say hi, I'm totally against it. First off,
the kids have to learn the stranger bit, even if you know the people, they
don't and saying hi IMO is confusing, "don't say hi or talk to strangers but
mom says this one is ok". Only when the kids were about 5 did they get the
distinction. I always tell people after they started to speak to Chris or
Kathleen (both were very shy - not now at all but then something awful),
that they were not much talkers. Adults that care not to scare the kids
understand and don't push it. I never pushed the issue of talking to adults
until just recently (they are now 8.5). They do look rude at this age not
speaking back to known "again I said known adults." If someone in the store
talks to them, even now they generally don't talk to them unless they get an
approving glance from me. There are waaaaay toooo many kooks out there that
"befriend" kids to get them and the parents comfortable with the surrounding
situation. Reading "The Gift of Fear" is great and gives me - especially
coming from Chicago metro area, a good idea on how to handle strangers.
Anyhow, the rest of how you handled the day sounds ok.

The toothpaste stuff is just something that is bound to happen. At the same
age, Kathleen drank peroxide, again, like you a call to the poison control.
She was ok but I too thought the stuff was out of touch. It happens, and
bad days happen, even at 8.5 - and I can't find any reason other than they
loose their minds and I loose my patience - even in public.

Shirley
Chris and Kathleen 1/95

"Rhiann1048" wrote in message
...
Subject: Feeling like a parental failure today (long)
From: (Andrea)
Date: Wed, Aug 13, 2003 10:57 PM
Message-id:

Judging from my children's behavior today, I feel like I must be in dire
need
of some serious parenting help.


They are *3*. You could be the perfect parent and still have 3 year olds

that
act up from time to time. It sounds like this day is an exception to the

rule.
IMO you are doing just fine.


I don't know what to do. I'm hoping that
someone here can give me some advice.

I took Jordan & Madison with me to a Kelly's Kids show at a friend's

house
so I
could make sure I ordered the right size dresses for them. My friend

took
them
up to her daughter's playroom so they could play while I looked around.
When
it was time to go I told them to clean up because we had to go visit

their
cousin. They both threw tantrums. They were screaming and crying and

wouldn't
clean up. We finally got the playroom cleaned up and went downstairs.
I told
them to say "thank you" to my friend for letting them play in the

playroom.

They refused to say it. I thanked her, and since I didn't want to cause
another scene or get into a power struggle I didn't push the issue. When
we
were walking out I saw another friend of mine, whom Jordan & Madison also
know.
She said hello to them and I told them to reply by telling her hi. They
pouted and refused to say it and Madison even told me "NO!" By this time
I was
completely mortified. Of course there were about 5 other people there

that
I
also know, who were witnessing my kids' belligerence.


If these people also have kids (or spend any time around them), they

*know*
that this is how kids of this age act sometimes. I know it is awful when

your
kids do this -- but others probably are more understanding than you think.

Just curious -- but do you tell them to say thank you and hello or are you
asking them to? Perhaps if it is phrased as a question they'd be more
receptive? Or would asking invite the 'no' more readily?



When we got to the car I told the girls that I was disappointed in their
behavior and that they should have thanked Miss Jamie for letting them

play
and
told Miss Cindy hello when she spoke to them. In the past I have told

them
over and over that they need to say "hi" when someone says hello to them.
etc.,
etc.


Since you stress this point often, maybe they are using this as a power
struggle. I think you made a good call by not making an issue out of it

the
first time. This is one of those pick your battles things.

I have almost the opposite problem where my girls say 'hi' to people they

have
no need/reason to speak to (we pass someone in Target, for example). I

want
them to be polite but I don't want them to be bugging people who are

trying to
shop.



Afterwards we were having lunch with a friend of mine at Applebees.


If I were you, I would have canceled lunch. Given their mood, IMO you

were
pushing it. If they enjoy going out to eat, then tell them you will leave

if
they continue to be loud/fight etc. And then do it. If they *want* to

leave
and that is why they are acting up -- then you have no real leverage and a
problem. Maybe someone else will have suggestions for that.

Hope tomorrow is a better day!

Lori



  #3  
Old August 14th 03, 02:20 PM
Frisbee® MCNGP
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Feeling like a parental failure today :( (long)

"Rhiann1048" wrote in message
...
Subject: Feeling like a parental failure today (long)
From: (Andrea)
Date: Wed, Aug 13, 2003 10:57 PM
Message-id:

Judging from my children's behavior today, I feel like I must be in dire
need
of some serious parenting help.


They are *3*. You could be the perfect parent and still have 3 year olds

that
act up from time to time. It sounds like this day is an exception to the

rule.
IMO you are doing just fine.


Tell me about it! Try going out with five-year-old twin boys who are
developmentally closer to late two or early three. People look at our boys
five-year-old size and wonder why they are acting more like two-year-olds.
It's because they are developmentally closer to that age.

How frustrating it is to even go to the doctor and they talk to our boys
(ask them questions and give them directions) like they were developmentally
five years old.

Dylan threw an absolute tantrum a week ago today when I had to take him in
for an ear infection. He had been SO GOOD the last three times (four
infections in three months, and he already has ear tubes) but this time he
had a meltdown. And it was because he had his gameboy with him (waiting in
the room for the doctor can take a LONG time), and the doctor wanted to
listen to his chest. I asked Dylan to turn off the gameboy, and while he
usually complies, today he didn't want to. The doctor is talking to him,
however, like he understands completely and is being defiant. It took me
and two nurses to hold him still after that for an ear culture. I then had
to haul him out to the van kicking, screaming, and clawing afterwards, but
only after the nurse-practitioner (doc was out) told Dylan that normally
he'd get a lollipop, but she wasn't going to reward his bad behavior.

Just a week earlier, the other boy, Dustin, had a complete meltdown in a
Target because of a toy he wanted that my wife didn't want to purchase.
Likewise kicking, screaming, and clawing all the way to the parking lot,
along with looks from parents who cannot believe that a child that size
would act that way.


--
Fris "Still looking for that Twins Owner's Manual" bee® MCNGP #13

http://www.mcngp.tk
The MCNGP Team - We're here to help

  #4  
Old August 14th 03, 03:47 PM
GandSBrock
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Feeling like a parental failure today :( (long)

You are not a parental failure!!

But it does sound like a nice bubble bath or massage is in order - for you!
These are the times that try moms' souls. Or something like that...

Hope your days get better!

Stephanie
Jake and Ryan 9/3/99
  #5  
Old August 14th 03, 04:47 PM
Leslie
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Feeling like a parental failure today :( (long)


"Andrea" wrote in message
...
Judging from my children's behavior today, I feel like I must be in dire

need
of some serious parenting help. I don't know what to do. I'm hoping that
someone here can give me some advice.

I took Jordan & Madison with me to a Kelly's Kids show at a friend's house

so I
could make sure I ordered the right size dresses for them. My friend took

them
up to her daughter's playroom so they could play while I looked around.

When
it was time to go I told them to clean up because we had to go visit their
cousin. They both threw tantrums. They were screaming and crying and

wouldn't
clean up. We finally got the playroom cleaned up and went downstairs. I

told
them to say "thank you" to my friend for letting them play in the

playroom.
They refused to say it. I thanked her, and since I didn't want to cause
another scene or get into a power struggle I didn't push the issue. When

we
were walking out I saw another friend of mine, whom Jordan & Madison also

know.
She said hello to them and I told them to reply by telling her hi. They
pouted and refused to say it and Madison even told me "NO!" By this time

I was
completely mortified. Of course there were about 5 other people there

that I
also know, who were witnessing my kids' belligerence.



Oh Andrea, you are absolutely *not* a parental failure! Your kids are three.
They're going to act like this sometimes.
I'm sure they were only thinking that what they saw was normal 3-year-old
behavior. It's hard to not get embarrassed though. I took my kids to
WalMart yesterday and after they threw everything out of the cart and I
didn't give anything back to them, they started throwing tantrums. I was in
the shortest line I could find but ended up getting out of line and taking
the boys to the restroom to have a talk. They mellowed just enough so that I
didn't walk out right then and forget the things in the cart. It's
embarrassing, but I've decided that most people understand. If they don't,
there's nothing I can do about it, so don't worry about it. I try to insist
on good behavior in public, but sometimes it's just not going to happen.
Most of the time if they act too badly, I take them home immediately. They
also don't go shopping with me again for a few days. Every time I leave them
with Grandma, I explain that they will be able to go to the store with me
when they remember to behave in public. It seems to work for a while, but
the tantrums will creep back in.


When we got to the car I told the girls that I was disappointed in their
behavior and that they should have thanked Miss Jamie for letting them

play and
told Miss Cindy hello when she spoke to them. In the past I have told

them
over and over that they need to say "hi" when someone says hello to them.

etc.,
etc.

Afterwards we were having lunch with a friend of mine at Applebees.


I agree with whoever said they would have cancelled lunch. With the girls in
that mood, it was bound to get worse by expecting them to be on their best
public behavior. It seems like once my boys are in a funky mood, the only
thing I can do is give them a better outlet for it. There are times when I
get in a "mood" too and don't feel like being social. Sometimes it's good
to just be home around family who still loves them even when they act badly.
Of course, that's just MO.

When we
got inside the girls saw they had balloons and they started yelling to

the
hostess "I want a red balloon!" "I want a blue balloon!" I told them

they
were being rude and that they needed to say "please" and ask nicely. Once
again I was completely mortified. I realize they're still young, but I

don't
speak to people this way and they know they're not supposed to speak to

people
like that either! I was completely shocked. I thought about telling them

they
weren't going to get a balloon, but after I corrected them they did ask

the
hostess again politely.

So we're sitting down in the restaurant and the girls are being sooooo

loud.
My friend and I keep telling them to use their inside voices, but they
continued to be loud. Then they started fighting over the crayons and

trying
to kick each other under the table! Jordan started grabbing all the

crayons so
that Madison couldn't have any and at that point I took her to the

restroom and
had a chat with her. She started screaming and crying as soon as I picked

her
up from the table and we had to stay in the restroom for about 15 minutes

until
she settled down and was ready to listen. I would have taken them & left

the
restauraunt if my friend had not been with us. After that their behavior
improved somewhat.

Then tonight after I had bathed them and washed their hair Madison went

into
the bathroom and brushed her teeth by herself, got water and toothpaste
everywhere, and ate I don't know how much toothpaste (according to her it

was
"a lot"). There was blue toothpaste all in her hair, on her pajamas, the
mirror, sink, and counters. We've told her over and over that she needs a
grown-up to help her brush her teeth and that she's not supposed to eat

the
toothpaste. I thought it was out of her reach, but apparently I was

wrong.

So anyway, Dh reads the tube and says that it states we should call Poison
Control if it's been ingested. So I called them (Madison's name's already

on
file with them)


My kids' names are on file too. :-/ It seems like no matter how safe you
think you have everything, they'll find a way to get stuff.

I hope today is a much better day for you! :-)


--
Leslie
Alex and Jordan, 06 May 2000


and they said to make her drink 6-8 oz. of milk and to check on
her every 15-30 minutes for the next 6 hours. The woman said Madison

would
probably end up with a stomach ache and to call her back if she started
throwing up excessively. So far she's been fine (knock wood).

Does anyone have any suggestions for dealing with rude behavior in public?

If
we had been at home I would have told them to do to time-out in their

rooms
until they were ready to be nice, but I am obviously having trouble

dealing
with this type of behavior in public. We go out to eat for lunch once or

twice
per week, so eating in a restaurant is not a new experience for them and I
think it's important that they learn to behave in that setting. I don't

expect
them to sit there silently and use impeccable table manners, but I do

think
they should be able to act somewhat civilized. I always bring crayons or
something for them to do quietly while we are waiting for our food, but

this
isn't helping. Any suggestions? I feel like a parental failure today.



Thank You,
Andrea
twin girls-Madison & Jordan
3/22/00



  #6  
Old August 14th 03, 08:20 PM
Middletree
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Feeling like a parental failure today :( (long)

Comments inline:

(Andrea) wrote
I'm hoping that someone here can give me some advice.
When it was time to go I told them to clean up because we had to go

visit their cousin. They both threw tantrums. They were screaming and
crying and wouldn't clean up. We finally got the playroom cleaned up
and went downstairs. I told them to say "thank you" to my friend for
letting them play in the playroom.
They refused to say it. I thanked her, and since I didn't want to cause
another scene or get into a power struggle I didn't push the issue.



The best suggestion I have heard about a situation similar to this is
that in this case, you look at your friend and say "I want to
apologize for Jordan and Madison. We are working on this behavior."
Of course, you say it in front of your kids. As pointed out in
another post, this is a power struggle they interested in, and when
you issue the above response, you neither ignore their behavior nor
engage in a p***ing contest with the kids. You retain your role as the
authority figure.


Afterwards we were having lunch with a friend of mine at Applebees. When we
got inside the girls saw they had balloons and they started yelling to the
hostess "I want a red balloon!" "I want a blue balloon!" I told them they
were being rude and that they needed to say "please" and ask nicely.



I don't know when you began emphasizing the need to say please, but we
started way before they could talk. In fact, my daughter's first
sentence was "up, please" (she wanted to be picked up), at the ripe
old age of 11 months!! Even now, at 23 months, they will start
whining when they want something, and I look at them and say "Is that
how you ask for the balloon? How do you ask for the balloon?" And they
invariably get a smile on their face and say "please." and do the
sign-language sign for "please." (We started them on sign language
early on because it can be learned earlier than speech, and in fact,
our boy still doesn't speak as well at 23 months as his sister did at
11 months, so the 3 or 4 signs he knows have come in very handy.

I also agree with another poster who said you maybe should have
canceled lunch at Applebees. In extreme cases where ours have acted
out like this, we have actually placed him or her in the crib for a
few minutes, not as a punishment, but to calm down. It always seems to
work.

Beyond that, I'd like to reiterate what the other posters have said:
They are only 3 years old, and they are going to have bad days. Sounds
like they had a bad day. You are not a bad parent.
  #7  
Old August 14th 03, 09:42 PM
Andrea
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Feeling like a parental failure today :( (long)

They are *3*. You could be the perfect parent and still have 3 year olds
that
act up from time to time. It sounds like this day is an exception to the
rule.
IMO you are doing just fine.


Thanks Lori. That makes me feel much better.

Just curious -- but do you tell them to say thank you and hello or are you
asking them to? Perhaps if it is phrased as a question they'd be more
receptive? Or would asking invite the 'no' more readily?


I tell them. I also give them little talks in the car sometimes when we are
going somewhere where I know there will be a lot of people we know, such as a
birthday party. I'll try to prepare them by telling them there will be a lot
of people there and that they should say "hello" to people and respond when
they are spoken to. They seem to do better when I do that, but I just didn't
think about doing it yesterday.

I have almost the opposite problem where my girls say 'hi' to people they
have
no need/reason to speak to (we pass someone in Target, for example). I want
them to be polite but I don't want them to be bugging people who are trying
to
shop.


I have the same prob. too sometimes, go figure. Sometimes Jordan will be
yelling hello to strangers at the grocery store, but if I tell her to say hello
to someone she knows she clams up......shaking head.

Hope tomorrow is a better day!


Thank you! We did, thank goodness. They had a playdate with a friend at
McDonnalds today and I warned them that we would leave immediately if they were
rude or didn't listen. They had great manners and listened so well that I had
to check to make sure they were really my children. But when it was time to
leave the play area they each had a small meltdown (which I expected). I told
them to pull it together because I had to pick up some things at Wal Mart (35
minutes from my house so I wasn't going to make another trip). They pulled it
together, and after I stated my expectations of them they were great the whole
time we were in there. That was a big relief. I told them I wasn't going to
tolerate having a repeat of yesterday, and I think they could see that I meant
business.

Thanks Again Lori.

Andrea
twin girls-Madison & Jordan
3 yrs. old
  #8  
Old August 14th 03, 09:44 PM
Andrea
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Feeling like a parental failure today :( (long)

Fris "Still looking for that Twins Owner's Manual" bee®

When you find it will you please email a copy of it to me. I'm missing mine
too.

Andrea
twin girls-Madison & Jordan
3 yrs. old
  #9  
Old August 14th 03, 10:03 PM
Andrea
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Feeling like a parental failure today :( (long)

The best suggestion I have heard about a situation similar to this is
that in this case, you look at your friend and say "I want to
apologize for Jordan and Madison. We are working on this behavior."
Of course, you say it in front of your kids. As pointed out in
another post, this is a power struggle they interested in, and when
you issue the above response, you neither ignore their behavior nor
engage in a p***ing contest with the kids. You retain your role as the
authority figure.


What an excellent suggestion! I need to write that down. I will *definately*
use that in the future.


Afterwards we were having lunch with a friend of mine at Applebees. When

we
got inside the girls saw they had balloons and they started yelling to the
hostess "I want a red balloon!" "I want a blue balloon!" I told them they
were being rude and that they needed to say "please" and ask nicely.



I don't know when you began emphasizing the need to say please, but we
started way before they could talk.


We have *always* emphasized please, thank you, etc. We did it before they
could talk also. That's why I was so completely shocked and appalled, because
they know they're supposed to say please when they ask for something. They
also don't normally yell at people like that, unless they're yelling at each
other. When they do that at home I tell them to either stop, or go to their
room for time-out.

Beyond that, I'd like to reiterate what the other posters have said:
They are only 3 years old, and they are going to have bad days. Sounds
like they had a bad day. You are not a bad parent.


Thanks for all the suggestions and for the pep talk.

Andrea
twin girls-Madison & Jordan
3 yrs. old
  #10  
Old August 14th 03, 11:04 PM
H Schinske
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Feeling like a parental failure today :( (long)

Andrea ) wrote:

We have *always* emphasized please, thank you, etc. We did it before they
could talk also. That's why I was so completely shocked and appalled,
because
they know they're supposed to say please when they ask for something.


They were doing it automatically before. Now they've found out they have a
choice, and they're exercising it to see what happens. It really is part of a
growth cycle, even though it *looks* like going backwards, because they'll come
back and do the manners thing more consciously now.

--Helen
 




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