Refresh

Just dropped in, I have a little time, and I hope
you don't mind. Needed a refresh of recent events.

My mom died a fortnight ago, I held her hand
in hospital as she was coming up from the
anaesthetic, that afternoon tears were streaming
down my face, the dr said she had asked not to be
resucitated. The thought that she would become
totally incapacitated by her ill health and that during
the gradual decline of her senses she would loose
all physical control and grasp of life and reduced
to a painbearing load was beyond contemplation or
dignity for her.

She'd been ill for a couple of years.

We had the same sort of humour. The very last thing
she would have wanted to hear would be the wailing
and wrenching of garments at her side especially
not one of uz, Can you imagine! and, well, she may
have recovered, so I sat with her and began telling
her dull stories about what the world was up to, what
the neighbours said and then a couple of good stories,
(while I sobbed intermittantly, and staff offered me cups
of tea and biscuits). I'm proud to say the stories got
funnier and I glimpsed, I actually saw, the hint of a
smile on her face.

The staff must have thought I was mad, to them it must
have seemed she was in some kind of coma, but I knew
every muscle and expression on her face, the rhythm
of her breathing, the color in her face that told
me if she sensed me, even when she felt nothing. You
know when you have a newborn and you get out of bed to
check if they're ok? those kind of senses

I have a pet project that she knew nothing about,
it was kinda secret and I wanted to do well at it
before I had the confidence to tell her. So I told
her all about it. I opened a funny page in a magazine,
and read it out loud....but I burst into tears, it
had opposite effect on my mom who actually SAT UP
in bed and opened her eyes and leaned towards me,
but she couldn't focus and although I couldn't read
her thoughts I felt I knew what she might have said!

Later on, when it was time for me to go, I didn't
want to leave but it was time to leave her be.

THe last couple of weeks have been awful for the kids.
The little'un who I thought would be most upset and
confused asked if we were going to visit grandma?
I said something silly, I said that she was very poorly,
she asked if we would see her again soon, I said we'd
never see her again. She said how much we miss her,
but told me very sternly NOT TO TELL my son. He knew
first and was dreadfully upset. My eldest and her had
a very special friendship and love.

I was left to yours truly of course to sort the affairs
out. Mom had a few very good friends, someone kind wrote
an article on her in the paper this week. We've become
much closer now and the 4 of us call each other everyday.
I had to leave my little one with B, one of B's sisters
was staying with him,(she is lonely and was delighted
to have my daughter there too). I grabbed the last train
at night hoping to get to B's place to see them before
bedtime. I was greeted by B, who told me I'd have to
sleep on the setee cos his sister was sleeping with my
baby and him in his room.

(Whhhaaat!) I said nothing,

Well - things are back into there old pattern now, but
I was called aside by the head teacher who asked if I
was "coping alright" with the bereavement?. I took it
as kindly concern until it was expanded to include the
mention of B's sister who seemed to have show great
concern in that I had "been ill before".

What should I say to B's sister? :

Personally I want to move back into the city again.
Seeing everyone again has made me fed up with being
on my own.....more to the point there are more things
to do for the kids

Luv

miri

"miri" wrote in message
ups.com...
Just dropped in, I have a little time, and I hope
you don't mind. Needed a refresh of recent events.
snipped
Luv

miri

Oh, I'm so sorry to hear all this! ((hugs))
You do, however, sound like you're holding up very well. I haven't been in
that position, but I really don't know how I would hold up.
I, too, would probably feel the need to move to be closer to family in times
like this. Hope you and the family are doing alright, as you sound, but
again, it is all over the computer
You always seemed to have a good head on your shoulders and this time is no
different.

miri wrote:
Just dropped in, I have a little time, and I hope
you don't mind. Needed a refresh of recent events.

My mom died a fortnight ago, I held her hand
in hospital as she was coming up from the
anaesthetic, that afternoon tears were streaming
down my face, the dr said she had asked not to be
resucitated. The thought that she would become
totally incapacitated by her ill health and that during
the gradual decline of her senses she would loose
all physical control and grasp of life and reduced
to a painbearing load was beyond contemplation or
dignity for her.

She'd been ill for a couple of years.

We had the same sort of humour. The very last thing
she would have wanted to hear would be the wailing
and wrenching of garments at her side especially
not one of uz, Can you imagine! and, well, she may
have recovered, so I sat with her and began telling
her dull stories about what the world was up to, what
the neighbours said and then a couple of good stories,
(while I sobbed intermittantly, and staff offered me cups
of tea and biscuits). I'm proud to say the stories got
funnier and I glimpsed, I actually saw, the hint of a
smile on her face.

The staff must have thought I was mad, to them it must
have seemed she was in some kind of coma, but I knew
every muscle and expression on her face, the rhythm
of her breathing, the color in her face that told
me if she sensed me, even when she felt nothing. You
know when you have a newborn and you get out of bed to
check if they're ok? those kind of senses

I have a pet project that she knew nothing about,
it was kinda secret and I wanted to do well at it
before I had the confidence to tell her. So I told
her all about it. I opened a funny page in a magazine,
and read it out loud....but I burst into tears, it
had opposite effect on my mom who actually SAT UP
in bed and opened her eyes and leaned towards me,
but she couldn't focus and although I couldn't read
her thoughts I felt I knew what she might have said!

Later on, when it was time for me to go, I didn't
want to leave but it was time to leave her be.

THe last couple of weeks have been awful for the kids.
The little'un who I thought would be most upset and
confused asked if we were going to visit grandma?
I said something silly, I said that she was very poorly,
she asked if we would see her again soon, I said we'd
never see her again. She said how much we miss her,
but told me very sternly NOT TO TELL my son. He knew
first and was dreadfully upset. My eldest and her had
a very special friendship and love.

I was left to yours truly of course to sort the affairs
out. Mom had a few very good friends, someone kind wrote
an article on her in the paper this week. We've become
much closer now and the 4 of us call each other everyday.
I had to leave my little one with B, one of B's sisters
was staying with him,(she is lonely and was delighted
to have my daughter there too). I grabbed the last train
at night hoping to get to B's place to see them before
bedtime. I was greeted by B, who told me I'd have to
sleep on the setee cos his sister was sleeping with my
baby and him in his room.

(Whhhaaat!) I said nothing,

Well - things are back into there old pattern now, but
I was called aside by the head teacher who asked if I
was "coping alright" with the bereavement?. I took it
as kindly concern until it was expanded to include the
mention of B's sister who seemed to have show great
concern in that I had "been ill before".

What should I say to B's sister? :

Personally I want to move back into the city again.
Seeing everyone again has made me fed up with being
on my own.....more to the point there are more things
to do for the kids

Luv

miri

I am so very sorry to read of your moms death, having that time with
her at the end of her life is a heartwarming feeling.

Bev

Kate wrote:-
I'm sorry to hear of your mom's death. Your send off made me smile
though. I hope I go out the same way... with someone bringing the news
of the day, keeping me company, and being "real".

I can understand your wanting to move back to be near family. Take your
time and prepare well before you make that final decision.


I think that people should mind their own business... I cannot imagine
what B's sister was thinking or why she would say anything about you
having been ill in the past. I think I would have to practice my blank
stare and curious voice and said, "I can't imagine what she meant by
that! She gets confused sometimes."


It sounds like you're holding up well under the circumstances.


You're a good daughter to have been at your mother's side.

I couldn't NoT be there, we phoned nearly every day.
I didn't get along with her, but I was her daughter
and I respected her emensely.

I don't think she ever really knew me, she didn't seem
to care about me though she adored her grandkids. I was
speaking with a friend of hers, she has an emotionally
estranged relationship with her mom as well. Neither of
us can recall our moms hugging us after the age of about
5 yrs. So we guessed that that was the way the women were
brought up. Mom objected to any display of mine of emotions,
like crying, being love struck, anger and resentment. It
was like she wanted an animated shop dummy to present for
her social affairs....but there was also a deep understanding
between us of, I don't know, something else.

I was kinda socially autistic in my teens, I'd stammer and
avoid verbal exchanges. I was quite intense about subjects
and didn't attend school for some years. I was her
housekeeper. She was also alcholic, and you learn how to
read "the signals" the mood, the intent. She was also very
possessive. She should have been in the theatre, I thought.
If she had a crisis, my bro or I would be blamed. I'm
suspicious of people who sometime claim there kids are
Aspergers, autistic, ADD, I think the whole family should be
counted in. I don't know why I'm discussing this...it was
just something that was said recently.

xkatx wrote:-
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear all this! ((hugs))
You do, however, sound like you're holding up very well. I haven't been in
that position, but I really don't know how I would hold up.
I, too, would probably feel the need to move to be closer to family in times
like this. Hope you and the family are doing alright, as you sound, but
again, it is all over the computer
You always seemed to have a good head on your shoulders and this time is no
different.

THanks to you all I'm getting organised

I'm plodding through essential paperwork, its kept
me busy and my head together. I have a bro who's
hoisted the sails and floated off-shore (men do
that in a crisis!) Hes taken what he wanted and left
the rest to keep me occupied... Hes always been the
"strong and silent type" (if you get my meaning,he,he!)

He makes me want to drop the lot and be a kid again!
My Mom lamented the fact that he never seemed to take
responsibilty for anything, only for people he loved,
and they were never his blood relatives! I think I'll
sell up and buy a barge?.....not, a caravan?...maybe.
I've got so many lots of junk to catalogue, and I've
hit that age where I don't possess things, the're
starting to possess me. A good wardrobe and hairdo
for instance is like keeping a zoo, ya know? you're
gotta keep em clean, house em, take em out and walk
em sometimes, you've gotta feed em. Hell I'm going for
minimalism any day now.

its...time consuming and precious, weird like cos
everything has a sentimental attachment and I'm left
to somehow quantify it. I break down at the sight of
a dress in the wardrobe, sob onto sheets of her poetry,
she left notes in books and in margins of the pages,and
the b**** shredded my diaries (boo, hoo, woo)

I asked the people who were most precious to her
the ones who made her life bearable, enjoyable and
worth the living to take what they felt they couldn't
do without.

Bev wrote:-
I am so very sorry to read of your moms death, having that time with
her at the end of her life is a heartwarming feeling.

I read your Mom isnt too well, I hope she get better
very soon. Its very stressful, hospital takes alot of
time and waiting for results is a totally mindbending
experience. My mom was prepared for death, in fact,
looking back through her papers going back 6 years,
shes been planning it !! many of the people who she
was closest to had died.

Some moms are moms, my mom was practical person.
she was a person who practiced being a mom in
private.

She was a single parent, so when you get down to it
we gotta work to eat, and it would be great if our
relationships had lasted, the kids lives might have
been so much different, but when you have a job to
keep and a relationship on the boil you're keeping
your mind busy.

All I wanna say is after writing this, if there are
any kids from divorces reading this...we would have
liked to have had it differently and you were always
wanted and needed, came along to make the world a
better place, cos if you didn't, you wouldn't be here
now would you? and it'll be up to you shape the world
how you want it to be when we're gone.

I dunno, looking back over the last century, my stance
is feminsts began as women who needed to earn the
same as a men in order to feed their families in the
absence of support. What its developing into is an
outrage. I support parents who turns to the fake feminist
and says "we feed own countries children first, if we
didn't there would be no generation there to support
the freedom of expressions and liberties our forebears
fought for, those that you claim by inheritances or claim
are already yours by birth"

Luv

Miri