If this is your first visit, be sure to check out the FAQ by clicking the link above. You may have to register before you can post: click the register link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below. |
|
|
Thread Tools | Display Modes |
#1
|
|||
|
|||
CONFUSED - re. intimacy with kids
Hey, all.
I'm a late 30s guy, who's been seeing a single mom for about 2 months. Known her for about a year prior. She has a 9-year old boy. From the get-go, I've had some concerns about how/whether I'm going to bond with this kid, as I'm quite sure the mom would like to see happen. I expressed those concerns, and she made note of them; we continued to explore the dynamic between the two of us. The first night I spent at her place *while* the child was there was about 2 months into the dynamic. I hadn't been told so, but it seems they have a ritual of cuddling a bit on weekend mornings. So here I am, half-starkers in her bed, and the fella walks in for his cuddle. I totally did not see this coming. She hauls him into bed with the two of us, so we're all three in there, all cozy as a bunch of bugs in a rug. She puts her arm around her kid, and then flops her other hand over on me, so we're all 'connected'. That was 2 weeks ago, and I'm only just now beginning to realize how much this is upsetting me. I'd ben EXTREMELY sensitive concerning my behavior around this kid, just because - hey - nothing's certain, and although it's certainly easy for a kid to get attached to someone, I do want to minimize the potential impact on him if this all doesn't work out between his mom and myself. And there we are, all in bed together one cozy weekend morning. Nothing I could do, except leave. I kind of froze, but I did roll over and face the other way until they got up. My reactions since then have been pretty all over the map. But I'm getting more and more upset as time goes on. Am I over-reacting? |
#2
|
|||
|
|||
CONFUSED - re. intimacy with kids
BD wrote:
Hey, all. I'm a late 30s guy, who's been seeing a single mom for about 2 months. Known her for about a year prior. She has a 9-year old boy. From the get-go, I've had some concerns about how/whether I'm going to bond with this kid, as I'm quite sure the mom would like to see happen. I expressed those concerns, and she made note of them; we continued to explore the dynamic between the two of us. The first night I spent at her place *while* the child was there was about 2 months into the dynamic. I hadn't been told so, but it seems they have a ritual of cuddling a bit on weekend mornings. So here I am, half-starkers in her bed, and the fella walks in for his cuddle. I totally did not see this coming. She hauls him into bed with the two of us, so we're all three in there, all cozy as a bunch of bugs in a rug. She puts her arm around her kid, and then flops her other hand over on me, so we're all 'connected'. That was 2 weeks ago, and I'm only just now beginning to realize how much this is upsetting me. I'd ben EXTREMELY sensitive concerning my behavior around this kid, just because - hey - nothing's certain, and although it's certainly easy for a kid to get attached to someone, I do want to minimize the potential impact on him if this all doesn't work out between his mom and myself. And there we are, all in bed together one cozy weekend morning. Nothing I could do, except leave. I kind of froze, but I did roll over and face the other way until they got up. My reactions since then have been pretty all over the map. But I'm getting more and more upset as time goes on. Am I over-reacting? --------------------------- You may have a problem with intimacy with, and commitment to, someone who has a child and wants you to become instant magical new Daddy, and I think your reaction is sane. It sounds a bit like rushing it, not so much you being there, as her rushing it as if trying to steam-roller you into their lives permanently. Some women get quite desperate for an end to their worries, and they see a man as that. Many are really quite frightened to be on their own and may never have been so before, or if they are out there with a child, they may feel that THEY never had a chance to really grow up. Most women in this society are incredibly insecure and immature. You might be as well, consider whether you're ready for that or whether that is what you want. If you only wanted a ****-buddy you may not be ready for the marriage/children thing, especially for a child who isn't yours. No, you're not selfish, very few people have their desires well-put-together enough to adopt, and they only do it after years of advanced warning and failure to conceive. Tell "Mom" that you are tired of her using the child to set you up for pressure, and that knowing whether you two are anything like right for each other will take much more time. Steve |
#3
|
|||
|
|||
CONFUSED - re. intimacy with kids
On Jan 21, 3:57�pm, BD wrote:
Hey, all. I'm a late 30s guy, who's been seeing a single mom for about 2 months. Known her for about a year prior. She has a 9-year old boy. From the get-go, I've had some concerns about how/whether I'm going to bond with this kid, as I'm quite sure the mom would like to see happen. I expressed those concerns, and she made note of them; we continued to explore the dynamic between the two of us. The first night I spent at her place *while* the child was there was about 2 months into the dynamic. I hadn't been told so, but it seems they have a ritual of cuddling a bit on weekend mornings. So here I am, half-starkers in her bed, and the fella walks in for his cuddle. I totally did not see this coming. She hauls him into bed with the two of us, so we're all three in there, all cozy as a bunch of bugs in a rug. She puts her arm around her kid, and then flops her other hand over on me, so we're all 'connected'. That was 2 weeks ago, and I'm only just now beginning to realize how much this is upsetting me. I'd ben EXTREMELY sensitive concerning my behavior around this kid, just because - hey - nothing's certain, and although it's certainly easy for a kid to get attached to someone, I do want to minimize the potential impact on him if this all doesn't work out between his mom and myself. And there we are, all in bed together one cozy weekend morning. Nothing I could do, except leave. I kind of froze, but I did roll over and face the other way until they got up. My reactions since then have been pretty all over the map. But I'm getting more and more upset as time goes on. Am I over-reacting? Well, you might want to consider that you may not be the first. If she doesn't have the common sense to keep some space between the two of you in reference to you sleeping over and trying to force a relationship, then you by all means should, especially if you don't know where the relationship will lead, and 2 months in sounds waaaay to quick, IMO. My husband grew up with a mother who married almost every man she dated or let move in, and it affected him greatly. She STILL tries to push her boyfriends on him or put them up in our business. That being said, my stepdad came into my life when I was around 6-7 and he and my mom married quickly. We adored him from the getgo, not having known our deadbeat biological father, but she most certainly never let him stay the night. I remember him visiting and being a really pleasant guy. It wasn't long before us 3 girls wanted to be able to call him Daddy, but that was probably from not having one prior either. He was deeply in love with my mother and courted her relentlessly. She was hesitant to remarry. 30-some years later, he is still my dad. Just my opinion. |
Thread Tools | |
Display Modes | |
|
|
Similar Threads | ||||
Thread | Thread Starter | Forum | Replies | Last Post |
Confused | kittytlw | Pregnancy | 9 | November 12th 06 07:15 PM |
confused | colonel-burton | General | 10 | February 16th 05 02:13 PM |
Confused!! | Kari | Pregnancy | 21 | August 23rd 03 08:02 PM |
confused | turtledove | Single Parents | 3 | July 16th 03 12:15 AM |
confused one | M&M | Pregnancy | 14 | July 9th 03 10:31 PM |