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#1
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More OT stuff: helping a friend in need
A lady friend is in a really bad way right now. Her husband had emergency
surgery for a complication of Crohn's disease 2 weeks ago, and there were complications - he almost died, and is still in the hospital and very sick. Her sister died of cancer 3 days ago. Another sister is also sick with cancer. She has been working from home doing transcription work for a doctor's office, but her kids aren't taking the situation well and are very needy. Basically, I want to help her, but she won't let me. Even when I called her up to see how she is, and if there's anything I can do, she said no, thank you, even while she broke down and cried on the phone. I offered to go grocery shopping for her, or...something. To bring over a hot meal. She said it's okay. While crying. I've offered to take her kids for a couple of hours in the afternoon to give her a break. No reply. She told me she "doesn't have time to be my friend right now", and I believe it. But I don't need her to be my friend. I want to be her friend, because she needs one. God knows, when I was in the hospital for 2 months, we needed all the help we could get. I'm beginning to think the only thing I can do is drop things off on her porch anonymously. Not cooked food, that's too likely to spoil, but maybe recipe-in-a-jar type things? Cookies? Can any of you ladies help me think of things I can leave for her and her family, to try to bring them some comfort or pleasure? I'd like to leave her care packages. Or something. --angela |
#2
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More OT stuff: helping a friend in need
Chotii wrote:
I'm beginning to think the only thing I can do is drop things off on her porch anonymously. Not cooked food, that's too likely to spoil, but maybe recipe-in-a-jar type things? Cookies? Can any of you ladies help me think of things I can leave for her and her family, to try to bring them some comfort or pleasure? I'd like to leave her care packages. Or something. Dry foods shopping. And a recipe printed out than can be made from the stuff. A couple videos for the kids. Diapers if any of the kids are in 'em. Toys/drawing stuff for kids (sometimes having the kids be okay helps a lot). Drop off some fruit or a crossword book at the hospital (if that can help him). Maybe some videos for him too. A box of tea for her...luxurious tea. Something Celestial Seasonings (I've never had anyone not like Sleepytime...) One day leave a note that says "I will come by on (blank)day at (time) and will pick up the kids and take them for 4 hours." Don't give her a chance to wiggle out of it. Who knows, maybe you can teach them to tie dye :-). -- 'Tis Herself |
#3
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More OT stuff: helping a friend in need
"Chotii" wrote in message
... A lady friend is in a really bad way right now. Her husband had emergency surgery for a complication of Crohn's disease 2 weeks ago, and there were complications - he almost died, and is still in the hospital and very sick. Her sister died of cancer 3 days ago. Another sister is also sick with cancer. She has been working from home doing transcription work for a doctor's office, but her kids aren't taking the situation well and are very needy. Basically, I want to help her, but she won't let me. Even when I called her up to see how she is, and if there's anything I can do, she said no, thank you, even while she broke down and cried on the phone. I offered to go grocery shopping for her, or...something. To bring over a hot meal. She said it's okay. While crying. I've offered to take her kids for a couple of hours in the afternoon to give her a break. No reply. She told me she "doesn't have time to be my friend right now", and I believe it. But I don't need her to be my friend. I want to be her friend, because she needs one. God knows, when I was in the hospital for 2 months, we needed all the help we could get. I'm beginning to think the only thing I can do is drop things off on her porch anonymously. Not cooked food, that's too likely to spoil, but maybe recipe-in-a-jar type things? Cookies? Can any of you ladies help me think of things I can leave for her and her family, to try to bring them some comfort or pleasure? I'd like to leave her care packages. Or something. --angela I'd say be pro-active. Just turn up and take the kids out for the afternoon and don't take No for an answer. Leave a meal while you're there. Perhaps she's very bad at asking for help or is worrying (not because of you) that she's going to have to reciprocate or be grateful or something else she doesn't have the energy for right now. Nikki |
#4
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More OT stuff: helping a friend in need
Make (or buy) a simple meal - one that you know the kids will like. Wrap it
up. Go over her house and ring the bell. Don't say anything - just put the meal in the kitchen and leave. Even if she's acting social, just put the meal in the kitchen and leave. Entertaining people, even friends, is exhausting and she will be to polite to admit it, I bet. How old are the kids? Can you show up with museum/movie/discovery zone tickets or Chuck E. Cheeze tokens in your hand and announce that you'd like to take the kids out? Do you know sort of what kinds of groceries they typically shop for (brand of milk, etc)? You could shop for staples, and just drop it off - again with no visiting. Is there a dog you can walk for them? Or take to the groomers for a bath? When bad things have happened to me, people would call, and say "If you need anything just call", but I never did. They would make general offers, but I never wanted to put anyone out - I felt too guilty. When my DS was born, my in-laws came to visit, and without asking, cleaned my house. There were no comments about my housekeeping, no whining, not even any asking where cleaning materials were, just a clean house. When my father died, a good friend of my mothers showed up with a HUGE pot of homemade chicken soup. She just smiled, put it in the fridge, and said goodbye. The soup lasted us for days, and it was wonderful. Had she asked, "can I make you soup?" we probably would have said no - not wanting to put her out. A friend of my dad's came over, rang the bell and held up a dog's leash - he proceeded to take Mom's poor overlooked collie for a nice long walk, and got her fresh water when they returned. These are the things that have stuck with me. I know it sounds rude to just assume, but in an odd way, it's more helpful than asking. -Shannon "Chotii" wrote in message ... A lady friend is in a really bad way right now. Her husband had emergency surgery for a complication of Crohn's disease 2 weeks ago, and there were complications - he almost died, and is still in the hospital and very sick. Her sister died of cancer 3 days ago. Another sister is also sick with cancer. She has been working from home doing transcription work for a doctor's office, but her kids aren't taking the situation well and are very needy. Basically, I want to help her, but she won't let me. Even when I called her up to see how she is, and if there's anything I can do, she said no, thank you, even while she broke down and cried on the phone. I offered to go grocery shopping for her, or...something. To bring over a hot meal. She said it's okay. While crying. I've offered to take her kids for a couple of hours in the afternoon to give her a break. No reply. She told me she "doesn't have time to be my friend right now", and I believe it. But I don't need her to be my friend. I want to be her friend, because she needs one. God knows, when I was in the hospital for 2 months, we needed all the help we could get. I'm beginning to think the only thing I can do is drop things off on her porch anonymously. Not cooked food, that's too likely to spoil, but maybe recipe-in-a-jar type things? Cookies? Can any of you ladies help me think of things I can leave for her and her family, to try to bring them some comfort or pleasure? I'd like to leave her care packages. Or something. --angela |
#5
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More OT stuff: helping a friend in need
I agree with the other replies, just give help, their ideas are great, I
have no further to add. I'd love it if someone came and knocked on the door and said can I take Nathanael for a walk, but I'd never ask someone to come round and do that. |
#6
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More OT stuff: helping a friend in need
"Anne Rogers" wrote in message ... I agree with the other replies, just give help, their ideas are great, I have no further to add. I'd love it if someone came and knocked on the door and said can I take Nathanael for a walk, but I'd never ask someone to come round and do that. Yep, I'm gonna second, third, fourth and fifth the previous advice. I was SO grateful when a friend of my son's Mother came over with a weeks worth of *throw it in the oven* meals right after Nicolas was born. My main worry was that the rest of my family wasn't going to eat because I wasn't able to cook. Another thing that was extra helpful was my best friend came over and did a ton of laundry for me. Don't ask if she needs help, she'll probably say no, just go do it. Make a list of things that would be important to you (meals, laundry, cleaning, taking kids out for a couple hours) decide how much time you're willing to spend helping and prioritize/schedule accordingly. It's also important for you to decide beforehand how available you're going to be because you don't want to overdo yourself and end up not feeling like going back if she needs you to. I know your initial reaction is that you'll want to just be available for whatever she needs you for but when it's all said and done reality says that's probably not possible. Jen p.s. here is a recipe for a throw it in the oven meal No, there are really no measurements, sorry, I don't cook that way. Meat Lasagna: 4-6 sweet Italian sausage links, (about a half to 3/4 lb) taken out of the caseing. 1 medium sweet onion, diced 3-5 garlic cloves, pealed and chopped into small pieces (I use a small food processor) 1 lb of provalone cheese slices 3 cans tomato sauce 2 cans stewed tomatoes 1 med package sliced mushrooms 2 large containers ricotta cheese 2 eggs parsley, italian spices, salt, pepper 1 1lb box of lasagna noodles 1-2 packages mozzerella cheese and some parmesean cheese disposable aluminum baking dish Heat water for noodles cook sausage, onion and garlic until sausage is no longer pink and onions are turned, add mushrooms and cook a few more minutes until edges are starting to soften. Add tomato sauce and stewed tomatoes, stir and season to taste with everything except parsley. add noodles to now boiling water, only let them cook partway, just until they're flexable but not fully cooked. Drain and set aside (don't leave them too long or they'll stick.....timing is everything LOL) Mix Ricotta cheese, eggs and parsley together in a large bowl and set aside. (add enough parsley to make it *look pretty* but not over do it) Spread a thin layer of sauce in the bottom of the baking pan, add a layer of noodles, then generous layer of sauce, then ricotta cheese, then a layer of provalone. Repeat layers until the pan is full or you run out of ingredients Sprinkle mozzerella and parmesean over the top(I usually have about half a pan left over) Set in fridge for a couple hours, bake at 375 for 1 hour then let it stand for about 10 - 15 minutes before ready to serve. If you want to bake it before you bring it to her it will set better the second time it is heated, heating is the same the second time except instead of timing it, just bake until hot (usually 35 minutes ish)and let stand for about 5 minutes. You can also add other ingredients when cooking the sausage like sliced zuccini or spinach but those are an *if you like them* sort of thing andcook them about the same as the mushrooms, only until they START to soften, they'll cook the rest of the way in the oven. I happen to add everything that sounds good |
#7
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More OT stuff: helping a friend in need
Herself wrote:
Chotii wrote: I'm beginning to think the only thing I can do is drop things off on her porch anonymously. Not cooked food, that's too likely to spoil, but maybe recipe-in-a-jar type things? Cookies? Can any of you ladies help me think of things I can leave for her and her family, to try to bring them some comfort or pleasure? I'd like to leave her care packages. Or something. Dry foods shopping. And a recipe printed out than can be made from the stuff. A couple videos for the kids. Diapers if any of the kids are in 'em. Toys/drawing stuff for kids (sometimes having the kids be okay helps a lot). Drop off some fruit or a crossword book at the hospital (if that can help him). Maybe some videos for him too. A box of tea for her...luxurious tea. Something Celestial Seasonings (I've never had anyone not like Sleepytime...) One day leave a note that says "I will come by on (blank)day at (time) and will pick up the kids and take them for 4 hours." Don't give her a chance to wiggle out of it. Who knows, maybe you can teach them to tie dye :-). I like all the ideas every one is giving about bringing food, but I'm not so sure about the taking the kids part. She could just not be comfortable with having others help out, but she may also just want to have her family close during this time. When my grandfather died, my Mom went ahead and dropped me off at day care in the morning since they were all going to be handling the funeral issues and everything. She also thought that my father would want some time alone and would not want for me to see him upset. My father picked me up from day care about an hour after my Mom dropped me off and basically didn't let go of me for 4 days. Manda |
#8
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More OT stuff: helping a friend in need
"Chotii" wrote in message ... A lady friend is in a really bad way right now. Her husband had emergency surgery for a complication of Crohn's disease 2 weeks ago, and there were complications - he almost died, and is still in the hospital and very sick. Her sister died of cancer 3 days ago. Another sister is also sick with cancer. She has been working from home doing transcription work for a doctor's office, but her kids aren't taking the situation well and are very needy. Basically, I want to help her, but she won't let me. Even when I called her up to see how she is, and if there's anything I can do, she said no, thank you, even while she broke down and cried on the phone. I offered to go grocery shopping for her, or...something. To bring over a hot meal. She said it's okay. While crying. I've offered to take her kids for a couple of hours in the afternoon to give her a break. No reply. She told me she "doesn't have time to be my friend right now", and I believe it. But I don't need her to be my friend. I want to be her friend, because she needs one. God knows, when I was in the hospital for 2 months, we needed all the help we could get. I'm beginning to think the only thing I can do is drop things off on her porch anonymously. Not cooked food, that's too likely to spoil, but maybe recipe-in-a-jar type things? Cookies? Can any of you ladies help me think of things I can leave for her and her family, to try to bring them some comfort or pleasure? I'd like to leave her care packages. Or something. --angela Perhaps she does not want help for fear of not being able top reciprocate. You have 2 choices as far as I know: 1. Bring the meals and put them in her fridge. Add a note that you do not want a thank you note or need any reciprocation, this is responsibility free. 2. Honor her word that she does not need anything. Only you can tell which is the best for her. |
#9
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More OT stuff: helping a friend in need
"Nikki" wrote in message ... Chotii wrote: Basically, I want to help her, but she won't let me. I wouldn't ask. I'd show up and talk for 20 minutes and leave a casserole or cookies. I'd call and say we are all going to xyz place and we want to take your kids with us, I'll pick them up in 15 minutes. If you want to drop off care packages you could certainly mail some or drop them off anonymously. A number of people have suggested I pick up her kids - and I wish to goodness I could. But I have an Oddyssey with 4 carseats installed already. There's no room for any more car seats. Or kids. And the only way I can get out without my 4 kids is to leave them with hubby. Maybe I could do this on a weekend. I can't do it on a weekday though. --angela |
#10
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More OT stuff: helping a friend in need
A number of people have suggested I pick up her kids - and I wish to goodness I could. But I have an Oddyssey with 4 carseats installed already. There's no room for any more car seats. Or kids. And the only way I can get out without my 4 kids is to leave them with hubby. Maybe I could do this on a weekend. I can't do it on a weekday though. --angela I wouldn't be able to just pick up someone's kids either. And I've had friends offer to pick up mine before and all I could think about was the pain of installing my car seats in their vehicles. Is there a place close enough to walk to? A park or something? Otherwise, I'd just leave food and maybe a new video or a game to occupy the kids. Do they have Finding Nemo? You didn't say how old the kids are--but from age 4 on, most kids would LOVE a new release movie sent with popcorn and other goodies, maybe a cheap fleece throw for each of them to wrap up in. And your friend could enjoy movie night with the kids, or she could get something done without clinging little ones. Food is good. Frozen food is always helpful--that way she can heat it up when it suits (tape cooking instructions to container). One time, our church was doing meals for a family when the father was dying, and I took over a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken. They loved it (sometimes, junk food is comfort food, and it was different from all the casseroles they'd been getting). Or going on a Saturday and doing whatever yard work might be needed (mowing, raking, or shoveling snow when that happens); or hang Christmas lights for her. -- Jodi SAHM to Oliver (2 years, 8 months) & Arwen (6 months) |
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