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#1
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Father issues
Well, those of you that know about my situation know my daughters father has
been pretty non-existent. Well, after many moons, he has decided to become sober, go through AA (and as some know, that means making amends for past mistakes). He sends an email out of the blue to my daughter telling her all his problems and his apologies, ect. She didn't want to answer and she is 13 and allowed to her opinion of him. She didn't answer a few emails, he continued to write, some of the emails were sounding as though he was trying to make HER feel guilty. She did then reply briefly. He has another child on the way also. All she said about that was that the child would be 'messed up'. (Both soon to be parents admitted to drug addiction at the time of conception) My daughter has had some problems as all young women will and she has been doing so well lately. Ever since the emails, she has started to constantly pick at her skin, her arms, face, any where. She also started this annoying habit of clicking her fingers. Today her knuckles are so swollen from it, she looks like an arthritic patient. I told her if she keeps it up I will wrap ever inch of her body in gauze. Not that that idea is feasible but it sounded good. I know she has issues inside that she just won't address to me atleast. I suppose I will take my own advice and take her to see a professional. In the meantime, I don't know what or how to handle this. Her father has even invited her to the baby shower and asked her opinion on names. How is this effecting her.... his interest in this baby when he had nothing for her. His girlfriend even wrote her a letter adding to the pressure she must be feeling. I don't want to be adding to it so right now I have said not much. I am afraid my anger will come out if I open my mouth on the subject. I want to freak out, personally but that would be counterproductive for my daughter and she is what is important. Any suggestions for both me dealing with this and addressing my daughter? Tiffany |
#2
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Father issues
She didn't answer a few emails, he
continued to write, some of the emails were sounding as though he was trying to make HER feel guilty. I'm not certain but I'm pretty sure that making amends is one of the later steps, after he's mastered some early steps, including TAKING RESPONSIBILITY for his own actions and the pain he has caused others. Doesn't sound like he's done that. Is he really working the program or is this just another typical manipulation of alcoholic and addicts? Not that any of that helps your girl, but it may help if you can educate her about addicts, about how the nature of the disease is to lie and manipulate...help her to see that everything he say is about him and his addiction, not her? Is she seeing a counselor? Perhaps a counselor can help her with that. If your ex is working the program, he should have a sponser, I'd find out who that is and show him the emails he's sending his daughter and maybe the sponsor can confront him and help him be more honest when he makes amends. Joelle The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St Augustine Joelle |
#3
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Father issues
"Tiffany" wrote in message ... Well, those of you that know about my situation know my daughters father has been pretty non-existent. Well, after many moons, he has decided to become sober, go through AA (and as some know, that means making amends for past mistakes). Great to hear! Good for him... He sends an email out of the blue to my daughter telling her all his problems and his apologies, ect. She didn't want to answer and she is 13 and allowed to her opinion of him. She didn't answer a few emails, he continued to write, some of the emails were sounding as though he was trying to make HER feel guilty. She did then reply briefly. Well you are right she does have her own opinion... Have you perhaps helped her ease into the situation by suggesting she give him a try? I mean he DID make contact... AND he continued until she responded (even if he used guilt as a tool/weapon) perhaps you could ease things a bit and write him and let him know that she is concerned and fretful and find out what his agenda is at this moment in time... He has another child on the way also. All she said about that was that the child would be 'messed up'. (Both soon to be parents admitted to drug addiction at the time of conception) That really is a shame... I hope the dear thing is healthy and strong! My daughter has had some problems as all young women will and she has been doing so well lately. Ever since the emails, she has started to constantly pick at her skin, her arms, face, any where. She also started this annoying habit of clicking her fingers. The poor thing... She sounds very fretful... Can you talk to her about her issues and make her feel that this is a good thing that Dad has suddenly cleaned up and wants to have contact? I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and hope all goes well perhaps your blessing on the situation will ease your daughters concerns... Today her knuckles are so swollen from it, she looks like an arthritic patient. I told her if she keeps it up I will wrap ever inch of her body in gauze. Not that that idea is feasible but it sounded good. Cute... I used to say cotton wool... I know she has issues inside that she just won't address to me at least. Is there someone she can confide in? I suppose I will take my own advice and take her to see a professional. In the meantime, I don't know what or how to handle this. Her father has even invited her to the baby shower and asked her opinion on names. He really sounds to be making an effort at including her kudos to him... Even with the history he is still making every effort to involve her... How is this effecting her.... his interest in this baby when he had nothing for her. His girlfriend even wrote her a letter adding to the pressure she must be feeling. You don't say what kind of a letter it is -- I'm hoping it is a nice one perhaps explaining what they are doing etc... Once more I see him reaching as well as the of reaching to include her... I don't want to be adding to it so right now I have said not much. I am afraid my anger will come out if I open my mouth on the subject. I think that may be a cause of her concern... that she knows you are not pleased by the sudden contact and perhaps that is adding pressure as well I want to freak out, personally but that would be counterproductive for my daughter and she is what is important. Venting here is good... Then talking to your daughter and trying to look on the positive side of things: 1. Dad is clean 2. Dad contacted HER 3. Dad is determined to maintain contact 4. Dad's g/f wants to include her in their lives... Also it might help if you looked into some counseling for yourself and for her -- Any suggestions for both me dealing with this and addressing my daughter? Tiffany These are things I would like to think I would try to do to make things easier... I would also brush my feelings under the rug and keep my negative thoughts to myself and do alot of praying that dad continues to be involved... JMO Kim PS IF my kids dad actually wanted to become involved in thier lives I'd move heaven and earth to make it work for them... A child needs both parents and if the parent is seriously trying then I'd back the ba$tard no matter how rotten he was to me |
#4
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Father issues
"Kim" wrote in message ... "Tiffany" wrote in message ... Well, those of you that know about my situation know my daughters father has been pretty non-existent. Well, after many moons, he has decided to become sober, go through AA (and as some know, that means making amends for past mistakes). Great to hear! Good for him... He sends an email out of the blue to my daughter telling her all his problems and his apologies, ect. She didn't want to answer and she is 13 and allowed to her opinion of him. She didn't answer a few emails, he continued to write, some of the emails were sounding as though he was trying to make HER feel guilty. She did then reply briefly. Well you are right she does have her own opinion... Have you perhaps helped her ease into the situation by suggesting she give him a try? I mean he DID make contact... AND he continued until she responded (even if he used guilt as a tool/weapon) perhaps you could ease things a bit and write him and let him know that she is concerned and fretful and find out what his agenda is at this moment in time... He has another child on the way also. All she said about that was that the child would be 'messed up'. (Both soon to be parents admitted to drug addiction at the time of conception) That really is a shame... I hope the dear thing is healthy and strong! My daughter has had some problems as all young women will and she has been doing so well lately. Ever since the emails, she has started to constantly pick at her skin, her arms, face, any where. She also started this annoying habit of clicking her fingers. The poor thing... She sounds very fretful... Can you talk to her about her issues and make her feel that this is a good thing that Dad has suddenly cleaned up and wants to have contact? I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and hope all goes well perhaps your blessing on the situation will ease your daughters concerns... Today her knuckles are so swollen from it, she looks like an arthritic patient. I told her if she keeps it up I will wrap ever inch of her body in gauze. Not that that idea is feasible but it sounded good. Cute... I used to say cotton wool... I know she has issues inside that she just won't address to me at least. Is there someone she can confide in? I suppose I will take my own advice and take her to see a professional. In the meantime, I don't know what or how to handle this. Her father has even invited her to the baby shower and asked her opinion on names. He really sounds to be making an effort at including her kudos to him... Even with the history he is still making every effort to involve her... How is this effecting her.... his interest in this baby when he had nothing for her. His girlfriend even wrote her a letter adding to the pressure she must be feeling. You don't say what kind of a letter it is -- I'm hoping it is a nice one perhaps explaining what they are doing etc... Once more I see him reaching as well as the of reaching to include her... I don't want to be adding to it so right now I have said not much. I am afraid my anger will come out if I open my mouth on the subject. I think that may be a cause of her concern... that she knows you are not pleased by the sudden contact and perhaps that is adding pressure as well I want to freak out, personally but that would be counterproductive for my daughter and she is what is important. Venting here is good... Then talking to your daughter and trying to look on the positive side of things: 1. Dad is clean 2. Dad contacted HER 3. Dad is determined to maintain contact 4. Dad's g/f wants to include her in their lives... Also it might help if you looked into some counseling for yourself and for her -- Any suggestions for both me dealing with this and addressing my daughter? Tiffany These are things I would like to think I would try to do to make things easier... I would also brush my feelings under the rug and keep my negative thoughts to myself and do alot of praying that dad continues to be involved... JMO Kim PS IF my kids dad actually wanted to become involved in thier lives I'd move heaven and earth to make it work for them... A child needs both parents and if the parent is seriously trying then I'd back the ba$tard no matter how rotten he was to me After reading some of the other posts I'm thinking I posted hastily or took the OP differently... Perhaps I'm in the throes of 'wishful thinking'? Sorry if I misunderstood the OP's issue... I always like to hope that the walking away parent would actually suddenly decide to take part in the kids life at some point in time... Kim |
#5
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Father issues
Good for him...
Again I want to caution about getting to excited about this. An email with a sob story is not making amends. Alcholics and addicts often have a lot of false starts. Don't let your daughter get her hopes up. Don' t you get your hopes up. Make him prove himself. If he's really working the program he will accept the distrust and skepticism of those he has hurt in the past and work to provie himself. Go ahead and encourage him, but dont' let him manipulate and guilt trip and I'd want to see a year of sobriety before I believed it. Joelle The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St Augustine Joelle |
#6
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Father issues
"Joelle" wrote in message ... She didn't answer a few emails, he continued to write, some of the emails were sounding as though he was trying to make HER feel guilty. I'm not certain but I'm pretty sure that making amends is one of the later steps, after he's mastered some early steps, including TAKING RESPONSIBILITY for his own actions and the pain he has caused others. Doesn't sound like he's done that. Is he really working the program or is this just another typical manipulation of alcoholic and addicts? I would guess he is manipulating but I am prone to second quess him at every turn. When does one give the benefit of the doubt? lol I would also say by the wording of his emails that he hasn't even come close to taking responsiblity. He became addicted again because the doctors prescribed him to many pain meds, he couldn't get help for him and the girlfriend because she didn't understand the program. They ended up in jail because of the addiction.... she got arrested because a friend had drugs in the car. He never takes personal blame. But I figured that is what addicts are taught. They have a disease..... that makes it easy to put the blame elsewhere in my opinion. Not that any of that helps your girl, but it may help if you can educate her about addicts, about how the nature of the disease is to lie and manipulate...help her to see that everything he say is about him and his addiction, not her? Is she seeing a counselor? Perhaps a counselor can help her with that. She will be going back to see the counselor she has seen in the past. They had a good repur and she was totally honest with the sessions as far as not milking it for money. She came right out and said she can see no reason to see my daughter. That was a year ago. I think a few sessions could be helpful. If your ex is working the program, he should have a sponser, I'd find out who that is and show him the emails he's sending his daughter and maybe the sponsor can confront him and help him be more honest when he makes amends. He is in North Carolina so finding anything like that out would be impossilble. His only contact is via email which he says he accesses at the local library. He claims to be homeless, living at a shelter. (He has been in shelters a few times in his life) I appriciate your response. Thanks. Joelle The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page - St Augustine Joelle |
#7
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Father issues
'Kate wrote in message news On Tue, 6 Apr 2004 20:44:59 -0400, "Tiffany" Well, those of you that know about my situation know my daughters father has been pretty non-existent. Well, after many moons, he has decided to become sober, go through AA (and as some know, that means making amends for past mistakes). He sends an email out of the blue to my daughter telling her all his problems and his apologies, ect. She didn't want to answer and she is 13 and allowed to her opinion of him. She didn't answer a few emails, he continued to write, some of the emails were sounding as though he was trying to make HER feel guilty. She did then reply briefly. He has another child on the way also. All she said about that was that the child would be 'messed up'. (Both soon to be parents admitted to drug addiction at the time of conception) My daughter has had some problems as all young women will and she has been doing so well lately. Ever since the emails, she has started to constantly pick at her skin, her arms, face, any where. She also started this annoying habit of clicking her fingers. Today her knuckles are so swollen from it, she looks like an arthritic patient. I told her if she keeps it up I will wrap ever inch of her body in gauze. Not that that idea is feasible but it sounded good. I know she has issues inside that she just won't address to me atleast. I suppose I will take my own advice and take her to see a professional. In the meantime, I don't know what or how to handle this. Her father has even invited her to the baby shower and asked her opinion on names. How is this effecting her.... his interest in this baby when he had nothing for her. His girlfriend even wrote her a letter adding to the pressure she must be feeling. I don't want to be adding to it so right now I have said not much. I am afraid my anger will come out if I open my mouth on the subject. I want to freak out, personally but that would be counterproductive for my daughter and she is what is important. Any suggestions for both me dealing with this and addressing my daughter? Tiffany Yeah... she's got more than her share of reasons to feel anxiety and it's showing. The self-harming behavior is the most worrying but that won't stop until she makes decisions about whatever she is most anxious about. Sometimes it's not just the one thing and maybe it's not only the relationship with her father and his new family. Assuming it is may close the door to what is actually going on. Most kids who hurt themselves won't stop by threat. The pain seems to be cathartic... it relieves the stress. Threats seem to add to their self-loathing. This isn't something a newsgroup should handle... truthfully. If it was my daughter, I would start by calling her regular doctor, talking to him or her first without my daughter. Then, if the doctor seemed open to talking to my child, I would make an appointment. It's less threatening to a teen to go to someone he or she knows. If the regular doctor does not seem knowledgable or has never handled this sort of issue, then I would call a mental health hotline for a referral. In the meanwhile, provide a safe, secure, non-judgmental, and nurturing environment. I think you can safely tell her that you recognise that she is hurting herself and you have some idea of why without saying exactly what. Reassure her that no matter what, you'll stick by her and be there for her. 'Kate I don't want her behavior to appear as self-hurting. The knuckle thing she didn't even realize came about from this clicking thing. Well, that is what she said. You are right though about the anxiety causing it. I have seen folks that from stress and anxiety will itch and itch themselves until they are all scratched up. So, yes, I suppose it is self-harming. I will work on just nurturing her until we get into the therapist. I am just trying like hell not to put my anger energies out there for her to feel. She hasn't gotten an email from him this week yet. Thanks for the reply and suggestions. Tiff |
#8
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Father issues
"Kim" wrote in message ... "Kim" wrote in message ... "Tiffany" wrote in message ... Well, those of you that know about my situation know my daughters father has been pretty non-existent. Well, after many moons, he has decided to become sober, go through AA (and as some know, that means making amends for past mistakes). Great to hear! Good for him... He sends an email out of the blue to my daughter telling her all his problems and his apologies, ect. She didn't want to answer and she is 13 and allowed to her opinion of him. She didn't answer a few emails, he continued to write, some of the emails were sounding as though he was trying to make HER feel guilty. She did then reply briefly. Well you are right she does have her own opinion... Have you perhaps helped her ease into the situation by suggesting she give him a try? I mean he DID make contact... AND he continued until she responded (even if he used guilt as a tool/weapon) perhaps you could ease things a bit and write him and let him know that she is concerned and fretful and find out what his agenda is at this moment in time... He has made contact many times in the past 13 years as well as empty promises, ect. I have always eased her into spending any time with him (which as been VERY minimal). If I ask him agenda it will be as all good intentions, to have a relationship with her. I beleive he has intention but no will to follow through. She has never been the most important thing in his life. He has another child on the way also. All she said about that was that the child would be 'messed up'. (Both soon to be parents admitted to drug addiction at the time of conception) That really is a shame... I hope the dear thing is healthy and strong! My daughter has had some problems as all young women will and she has been doing so well lately. Ever since the emails, she has started to constantly pick at her skin, her arms, face, any where. She also started this annoying habit of clicking her fingers. The poor thing... She sounds very fretful... Can you talk to her about her issues and make her feel that this is a good thing that Dad has suddenly cleaned up and wants to have contact? I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and hope all goes well perhaps your blessing on the situation will ease your daughters concerns... I can say that but she knows the pattern. She has lived it a bunch of times. She is old enough know that it all comes to light. My brother is a crack addict and she sees how it works for a drug addict. Today her knuckles are so swollen from it, she looks like an arthritic patient. I told her if she keeps it up I will wrap ever inch of her body in gauze. Not that that idea is feasible but it sounded good. Cute... I used to say cotton wool... I know she has issues inside that she just won't address to me at least. Is there someone she can confide in? I suppose I will take my own advice and take her to see a professional. In the meantime, I don't know what or how to handle this. Her father has even invited her to the baby shower and asked her opinion on names. He really sounds to be making an effort at including her kudos to him... Even with the history he is still making every effort to involve her... But how about the effect of the comings and goings. You can't continue to play games with your child and expect forgiveness at every turn. How is this effecting her.... his interest in this baby when he had nothing for her. His girlfriend even wrote her a letter adding to the pressure she must be feeling. You don't say what kind of a letter it is -- I'm hoping it is a nice one perhaps explaining what they are doing etc... Once more I see him reaching as well as the of reaching to include her... It was a nice letter..... but its pressure for her to be happy about something she really might not be. I don't want to be adding to it so right now I have said not much. I am afraid my anger will come out if I open my mouth on the subject. I think that may be a cause of her concern... that she knows you are not pleased by the sudden contact and perhaps that is adding pressure as well I want to freak out, personally but that would be counterproductive for my daughter and she is what is important. Venting here is good... Then talking to your daughter and trying to look on the positive side of things: 1. Dad is clean 2. Dad contacted HER 3. Dad is determined to maintain contact 4. Dad's g/f wants to include her in their lives... Also it might help if you looked into some counseling for yourself and for her -- Any suggestions for both me dealing with this and addressing my daughter? Tiffany These are things I would like to think I would try to do to make things easier... I would also brush my feelings under the rug and keep my negative thoughts to myself and do alot of praying that dad continues to be involved... JMO Kim PS IF my kids dad actually wanted to become involved in thier lives I'd move heaven and earth to make it work for them... A child needs both parents and if the parent is seriously trying then I'd back the ba$tard no matter how rotten he was to me So would I, but I am sure you see now its not always that simple. Plus he isn't my best friend but my anger isn't about how our relationship worked out. That was a mutual thing. After reading some of the other posts I'm thinking I posted hastily or took the OP differently... Perhaps I'm in the throes of 'wishful thinking'? Sorry if I misunderstood the OP's issue... I always like to hope that the walking away parent would actually suddenly decide to take part in the kids life at some point in time... He might..... time will tell. I can't predict if this is the time that will stick for him. I know what my heart says and it says no. It says something is going to go down between him and his girlfriend and he splits from NC and goes someplace else. Thanks for your response though. Nothing wrong with wishful thinking either. Just after to many wishful thinking, one tends to become hardened. T |
#9
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Father issues
Don't count on the new baby being "messed up". Despite the media pounding
that idea into your head, it is, as much as anything, a crapshoot as to how the child will turn out, regardless of them doing drugs at conception. Keep in mind, a GREAT deal of what you hear today is issued by doctors in order to cover their own asses in the event there's a problem, by placing blame on the parents in any manner possible. In some case, that's completely correct. But as bad as smoking is, remember, until the mid-70's, smoking by pregnant women wasn't especially frowned upon, and the world certainly wasn't any stupider before that. -- remove "NOSPAM" from address to reply, or wonder why your mail was returned "Tiffany" wrote in message ... Well, those of you that know about my situation know my daughters father has been pretty non-existent. Well, after many moons, he has decided to become sober, go through AA (and as some know, that means making amends for past mistakes). He sends an email out of the blue to my daughter telling her all his problems and his apologies, ect. She didn't want to answer and she is 13 and allowed to her opinion of him. She didn't answer a few emails, he continued to write, some of the emails were sounding as though he was trying to make HER feel guilty. She did then reply briefly. He has another child on the way also. All she said about that was that the child would be 'messed up'. (Both soon to be parents admitted to drug addiction at the time of conception) My daughter has had some problems as all young women will and she has been doing so well lately. Ever since the emails, she has started to constantly pick at her skin, her arms, face, any where. She also started this annoying habit of clicking her fingers. Today her knuckles are so swollen from it, she looks like an arthritic patient. I told her if she keeps it up I will wrap ever inch of her body in gauze. Not that that idea is feasible but it sounded good. I know she has issues inside that she just won't address to me atleast. I suppose I will take my own advice and take her to see a professional. In the meantime, I don't know what or how to handle this. Her father has even invited her to the baby shower and asked her opinion on names. How is this effecting her.... his interest in this baby when he had nothing for her. His girlfriend even wrote her a letter adding to the pressure she must be feeling. I don't want to be adding to it so right now I have said not much. I am afraid my anger will come out if I open my mouth on the subject. I want to freak out, personally but that would be counterproductive for my daughter and she is what is important. Any suggestions for both me dealing with this and addressing my daughter? Tiffany |
#10
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Father issues
"Otto Ramone" wrote in message ... Don't count on the new baby being "messed up". Despite the media pounding that idea into your head, it is, as much as anything, a crapshoot as to how the child will turn out, regardless of them doing drugs at conception. Keep in mind, a GREAT deal of what you hear today is issued by doctors in order to cover their own asses in the event there's a problem, by placing blame on the parents in any manner possible. In some case, that's completely correct. But as bad as smoking is, remember, until the mid-70's, smoking by pregnant women wasn't especially frowned upon, and the world certainly wasn't any stupider before that. -- Are you talking about smoking cigarettes or drugs here? My daughter's comment on the baby was because both parents are drug addicts, not smokers. But they are that too. I believe the reason smoking has become more harmful then in the 70's and earlier is possibly due to more chemicals/pesticides that are in use on crops these days. I don't have any proof to back that up though, just a thought. The issues at hand aren't really about the baby being messed up. That was just something I posted so others could get a feel for my daughters reaction. T |
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