Pregnant 15 year old stepdaughter - I've had enough

In a nutshell a child born to high school sweethearts
that turned sourhearts and never married after the child
was born. Mother has lived in resentment for years and
wallowed in her pity. Added about 100 lbs to her figure
and had low self-esteem. My husband on the otherhand quite
the opposite. In shape owns his own biz. etc. So over the
years the child has been used as the pawn. Custody battle
gave us 50/50 and $50,000 in the hole. Mother proved to be
unfit in custody battle (tested pos. for cocaine) but the
court didn't do anything about it, don't get me started on
that. So after the child is in and out of trouble constantly
finally she comes to live with us. On her mother's w/ends she
sees her boyfriend who comes from a horrible homelife, mom is
prison, taking care of his brothers and sisters from all dif.
dads. The court ordered that my stepdaughter under no condition
was to be left alone under no supervision - well yes the mother
(the child in therelationship)allows her to do anything since the
child is the caretaker. Well the inevitablehappens, the 15 year
old gets pregnant. Now the looser mom and her parents want her to
have an abortion (they let doanything she wanted and this is how
they solve it?) my husband says adoption - the child says she is
having the baby and going to live w/ her boyfriend and grandmother.
It's completely a mess and I've had enough! My husband is great and
I love him but we all saw this coming. The child has never had any
consequences for anything and has been coddle so much.If my husband
would give the tough love that he preaches so much about it would be
a different story but he says one thing and doesn't allow follow
through with it. Anytime I bring it to his attention he gets
extremley aggitated. Supposedly he is telling her (stepdaughter)
at the meeting tomorrow with all involved that if she is going to
live w/ the b-friend that her bags will be packed and she'll be out
tomorrow night but I doubt that he'll follow through with it. So you
see I'm tired of all of it...we've been trying to have a child and it
always seems that something comes up with the stepdaughter that gets
his mind off track.I truly contemplated throwing in the towel. She
doesn't want to give the baby up for adoption (we want her to go to
a maternity home) and I just can't see my husband kicking her out for
a while (she's only 5 weeks preg.) We know for a fact she did it on
purpose getting pregnant because she does and gets what she wants.
Her mother dossn't care to see her anymore (yeah after she allowed all
of this tohappen) so here we are to take care of all the crap. I just
don't think I deserve this anymore. Like I said I love my husband he's
great but at what point to you say I'm gonna be a basic case
if I continue with this. The child totally disrepects me...Help

#1 If your husband doesn't get his parenting act together, I don't know why
you would want to risk having a child with him.

#2 If everything you say about the way your stepdaughter has been raised is
true, she is to be pitied, not condemned. Yes, she needs limits. She doesn't
need to be kicked out on the streets.

If she were my child, I would go to court to have visitation taken away from
the mother. The boyfriend may be from a bad family, but you haven't said
anything to indicate that he is a bad guy, so I would allow him to visit your
daughter at your home under your supervision. She is a minor so you don't have
to let her marry him or move in with him, nor should you. You also need to get
counseling for her. She needs to be comfortable about what she decides to do
with her baby. If you force her to give the baby away she will never forgive
you, but with counseling she may reach this decision herself.

Here is where the tough love comes in. you require her to seek prenatal care,
take good care of herself while pregnant, attend parenting classes, go to
counseling, go to school, and get good grades. You also require that she show
respect to you and to her father. In return you provide support and allow
supervised visits with the boyfriend (whose wishes about the baby's future
should also, IMO, be taken into consideration).

You make it clear to her that after the baby is born she will still need to go
to school (or study at home), and that the care of the baby when she is at home
will be up to her. You could insist that she work to provide support for the
baby, but I wouldn't do this. I would instead make plans for the boyfriend to
contribute. In return, you agree to continue to provide a home for her and for
the baby.

That's what I would do, anyway. Yeah, it's not fair that you have to deal with
this. OTOH, you knew going in you were marrying a man with baggage.

Leslie

Leslie wrote:

#1 If your husband doesn't get his parenting act together, I don't know why
you would want to risk having a child with him.


Agree



If she were my child, I would go to court to have visitation taken away from
the mother. The boyfriend may be from a bad family, but you haven't said
anything to indicate that he is a bad guy, so I would allow him to visit your
daughter at your home under your supervision.


Come on, he's having sex with a 15 year old. He should be locked up
for statutory rape.




Here is where the tough love comes in. you require her to seek prenatal care,
take good care of herself while pregnant, attend parenting classes, go to
counseling, go to school, and get good grades. You also require that she show
respect to you and to her father. In return you provide support and allow
supervised visits with the boyfriend (whose wishes about the baby's future
should also, IMO, be taken into consideration).


I think I would favor abortion and tight reins afterward.

That's what I would do, anyway. Yeah, it's not fair that you have to deal with
this. OTOH, you knew going in you were marrying a man with baggage.


Yes, unfortunately.

gloria p

Puester wrote:

Come on, he's having sex with a 15 year old. He should be locked up
for statutory rape.

Depends on the age of the b/f doesn't it?

Jo (RM)

"Puester" wrote in message
...

Come on, he's having sex with a 15 year old. He should be locked up
for statutory rape.

Well, maybe. The OP never mentioned the boyfriend's age. It might not be
statutory rape depending on his age...I seem to remember that for it to be
statutory rape the boy must be over 18.

In ,
Puester wrote:

* If she were my child, I would go to court to have visitation taken away from
* the mother. The boyfriend may be from a bad family, but you haven't said
* anything to indicate that he is a bad guy, so I would allow him to visit your
* daughter at your home under your supervision.
*
*
*Come on, he's having sex with a 15 year old. He should be locked up
*for statutory rape.

If it's consensual? Do we even know how old he is??

Frankly I think the statutory rape rules are absurd for the most part.

--
hillary israeli vmd http://www.hillary.net
"uber vaccae in quattuor partes divisum est."
not-so-newly minted veterinarian-at-large

On 24 May 2004 07:41:50 -0700, (kathy) wrote:

The child totally disrepects me...Help

I haven't seen much respect for the girl from you, in your post.
imo, you don't have a right to complain about her lack of respect for
you.

Nan

I would wait until a little while after the baby is born. Often (not
always) a pregnancy/childbirth is just the wake up call that a
youngster needs to start taking life seriously. I would recommend
against abortion, it only continues the cycle of not facing
consequences, and she might well end up pregnant again. Since she is a
minor and you make medical decisions for her, make sure she delivers
without an epidural so she doesn't make that silly mistake again.
You and DH should get into counseling now before your relationship
goes past an irreversible decline. You have my prayers and best
wishes.-Jitney

"Since she is a
minor and you make medical decisions for her, make sure she delivers
without an epidural so she doesn't make that silly mistake again."

Well that's the stupidest thing I ever heard!!! How would that be
supportive? At 15 years old her labor would be hard enough, I certainly
think it would be the worst thing to do, to deny her pain medication if she
needed it. And it certainly would do a lot to cause irreperable damage to
the relationship between the stepmother and stepdaughter. Not to mention
the father and mother, whose decision it would be anyway, not the
stepmothers. It was not an "accident" it was done on purpose. Someday, the
girl will probably settle down, get a job, get married, and want to have
more children. Why scare her away from a potentially good family life with
more children because of a bad labor and delivery when she was 15.

The girl wishes to raise the child so I don't think anyone has the right to
tell her that she is having an abortion or giving the child up for adoption.
While the circumstances may not be the best, the baby is still a precious
gift that should be treasured and enjoyed. It is quite possible that this
will be the wake up call that the girl needs and she will settle down and be
a good parent to the baby. It would not be the first time that it happened.

Leslie had it all right with her post earlier!!! Be positive, be
supportive, help her out, make sure she gets an education, all that good
stuff. She will eventually grow up, maybe sooner that later now under the
circumstances.

A few suggestions:

1) Get her into to an OB who specializes or has a large % of their practice
with teen mothers. There is actually a pediatric OB specialist here in
Memphis, and the OB practice I see has one day a week which is just teen
moms (and teachers-because it's arranged around the school schedule). There
are both physical and psychological issues involved with a teen mother which
aren't the case in adult moms. While 15 is not terribly young, there are
some complications which are more common, and depending on how well
developed she is for her age, the labor and delivery may be more difficult.
(And, yes, an epidural may be needed-I've known several young mothers who
ended up having to have a C-section because their bodies simply weren't big
enough to deliver the baby, although those were generally middle school aged
girls) Young mothers also are more likely to develop post-partum depression,
and even post partum psychosis, especially if L & D was hard. Some sort of
birth partner-and it probably won't be the father of the baby-is a big help,
and it might not be a bad idea to hire a Doula, especially if you can find
one who specializes in teen mothers, just to have a supportive partner who
isn't as emotionally charged as a member of the family.

2) Start checking with the school district now for next fall, as far as teen
parenting classes, homebound, whether there is a program in a base school or
in a separate unit, what classes are offered, etc. A good parenting program
is essential, and it is extremely important that she have support within the
school through the pregnancy. My district has two programs for
pregnant/parenting teens, both of which take girls going into their third
trimester and keep them until they graduate or until they don't need
childcare anymore (because a baby has been placed for adoption or because
they've found other arrangements). One is more a continuation high school
and one is a more traditional school. The Continuation school has better
parenting classes, requires that the young moms be involved in daycare, and
works more towards vocational training, the traditional is working more
towards college-bound students, but still requires one period of parenting
classes a semester. The staff at the program here (and also at the one I did
my rotation at for my child development degree) are mostly women who have
been there, done that, got the t-shirt, who can be supportive and
encouraging without glorifying teen pregnancy. Most try to get the teen dads
involved as well, but often end up emotionally supporting a teen mother who
is left without the father active and involved with her or with the baby.

Pregnancy tends to be contagious in high schools, so usually if there is a
program available, they really want to get the girls to it before it becomes
too obvious. Too often teens see pregnancy and a baby as being "SOOO cute".

3) Even if she's not considering placing the baby for adoption, it may be
worth it to contact a private adoption agency and let them talk to her, so
she knows that the option is available. Some teen moms think while pregnant
that they're ready for the baby, but 6 months after birth aren't nearly so
sure, but feel stuck. Also, some of these agencies have support groups for
pregnant/parenting teens and PARENTS of pregnant/parenting teens.

4) It might be a good idea for the parents to read up on pregnancy
complications, because a lot of them are much more common in young mothers,
and the teen may not recognize the signs. Premature labor is more common in
teen girls, especially ones who are relatively small in build or not
completely developed yet, simply because the body isn't ready for pregnancy.
Also, the teachers at school (if she's not in a teen pregnancy program)
should be aware that she's pregnant as well, so they can make accommodations
for her. If she misses more than a certain number of days, completion of the
school year and courses can be affected, so it is better to work this out in
advance. Pregnancy is a condition which qualifies a student for a temporary
504 plan.