daddy not bonding with baby

My baby is 8 months old and has not bonded well with her daddy (my
husband). When she was 4 months old we went to Canada for 5 weeks.
My husband was supposed to join us for a week, but couldn't find his
birth certificate and therefore didn't get to go. My little girl,
Katherine, was doing fine with him before this trip, but since we got
back all she does is cry in a tantrum when he holds her or when she
even thinks he is going to hold her. My husband also works shift work
and really doesn't get to spend enough time with her. I am a stay at
home mom and basically do everything with Katherine.

We are trying to have Katherine spend more time with my husband, but
all she does is cry uncontrollably when he holds her or if I try to
leave the two alone together. I cannot even get up from sitting next
to her without her crying.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how we can change things now or is
it too late for Katherine to bond well with her daddy? I really feel
sorry for my husband, but at the same time have trouble letting him
hold Katherine because I feel bad for her when she cries.

Thanks for ANY help you can give us.

A. Lanphear

My baby will be 5 months when she meets her father. I hope it doesnt go
badly! I'll be watching for any advice.

"ALanphear" wrote in message
om...
My baby is 8 months old and has not bonded well with her daddy (my
husband). When she was 4 months old we went to Canada for 5 weeks.
My husband was supposed to join us for a week, but couldn't find his
birth certificate and therefore didn't get to go. My little girl,
Katherine, was doing fine with him before this trip, but since we got
back all she does is cry in a tantrum when he holds her or when she
even thinks he is going to hold her. My husband also works shift work
and really doesn't get to spend enough time with her. I am a stay at
home mom and basically do everything with Katherine.

We are trying to have Katherine spend more time with my husband, but
all she does is cry uncontrollably when he holds her or if I try to
leave the two alone together. I cannot even get up from sitting next
to her without her crying.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how we can change things now or is
it too late for Katherine to bond well with her daddy? I really feel
sorry for my husband, but at the same time have trouble letting him
hold Katherine because I feel bad for her when she cries.

Thanks for ANY help you can give us.

A. Lanphear

"ALanphear" wrote in message
om...
My baby is 8 months old and has not bonded well with her daddy (my
husband). When she was 4 months old we went to Canada for 5 weeks.
My husband was supposed to join us for a week, but couldn't find his
birth certificate and therefore didn't get to go. My little girl,
Katherine, was doing fine with him before this trip, but since we got
back all she does is cry in a tantrum when he holds her or when she
even thinks he is going to hold her. My husband also works shift work
and really doesn't get to spend enough time with her. I am a stay at
home mom and basically do everything with Katherine.

We are trying to have Katherine spend more time with my husband, but
all she does is cry uncontrollably when he holds her or if I try to
leave the two alone together. I cannot even get up from sitting next
to her without her crying.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how we can change things now or is
it too late for Katherine to bond well with her daddy? I really feel
sorry for my husband, but at the same time have trouble letting him
hold Katherine because I feel bad for her when she cries.

Thanks for ANY help you can give us.

A. Lanphear

My kids have all had to deal with long deployments as infants. They're now,
for the most part, happily adjusted toddlers. Kid #3 had the longest
seperation.. she was very young when her dad left on a year long deployment.
He's been home 6 months and she now prefers him over me.

"ALanphear" wrote in message
om...
Does anyone have any suggestions on how we can change things now or is
it too late for Katherine to bond well with her daddy?

I know the feeling. My DS thought I was "all it" when he was 2, 3 and 4
months old. I don't know if he noticed that he was being handled
differently or what, but he cried whenothers held him, half the time. Later
on, he began to accept everyone and gained a reputation for being social and
good natured. I think his age had much to do with his behavior in the early
months.

I really feel
sorry for my husband, but at the same time have trouble letting him
hold Katherine because I feel bad for her when she cries.

It could be that the key is to just *let go* and let you husband try to calm
her down. Sometimes that would work with us, although at other times
nothing he did would help calm DS down. But hovering and not letting him
try for long is sure to defeat things.

It may just take a little time for your daughter to get used to her daddy.
I highly doubt that some developmental window of opportunity for bonding has
passed. Bonding is a long process that requires effort. Good luck. Bet
she'll be a daddy's girl before long.

Beth

sounds hard for all of you...

i heard recently that separation anxiety is normal around this time, and is
actually a positive sign of a good attatchment having been formed, and of
the baby's growing awareness of themselves as an individual. little
comfort, but maybe it's something that will pass...?

good luck,
jack.
"ALanphear" wrote in message
om...
My baby is 8 months old and has not bonded well with her daddy (my
husband). When she was 4 months old we went to Canada for 5 weeks.
My husband was supposed to join us for a week, but couldn't find his
birth certificate and therefore didn't get to go. My little girl,
Katherine, was doing fine with him before this trip, but since we got
back all she does is cry in a tantrum when he holds her or when she
even thinks he is going to hold her. My husband also works shift work
and really doesn't get to spend enough time with her. I am a stay at
home mom and basically do everything with Katherine.

We are trying to have Katherine spend more time with my husband, but
all she does is cry uncontrollably when he holds her or if I try to
leave the two alone together. I cannot even get up from sitting next
to her without her crying.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how we can change things now or is
it too late for Katherine to bond well with her daddy? I really feel
sorry for my husband, but at the same time have trouble letting him
hold Katherine because I feel bad for her when she cries.

Thanks for ANY help you can give us.

A. Lanphear

ALanphear wrote:
My baby is 8 months old and has not bonded well with her daddy (my
husband). When she was 4 months old we went to Canada for 5 weeks.
My husband was supposed to join us for a week, but couldn't find his
birth certificate and therefore didn't get to go. My little girl,
Katherine, was doing fine with him before this trip, but since we got
back all she does is cry in a tantrum when he holds her or when she
even thinks he is going to hold her. My husband also works shift work
and really doesn't get to spend enough time with her. I am a stay at
home mom and basically do everything with Katherine.

We are trying to have Katherine spend more time with my husband, but
all she does is cry uncontrollably when he holds her or if I try to
leave the two alone together. I cannot even get up from sitting next
to her without her crying.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how we can change things now or is
it too late for Katherine to bond well with her daddy? I really feel
sorry for my husband, but at the same time have trouble letting him
hold Katherine because I feel bad for her when she cries.

Thanks for ANY help you can give us.

A. Lanphear

One thing to keep in mind is that 8 months is an age when a lot of
children start to get REALLY clingy. When my daughter was 8 months old,
she would cry like her heart was breaking if I left her with her father
long enough to take a shower. And *he* had been the stay-at-home parent
for 5 of her 8 months of life!

Clisby

My husband didn't spend a heck of a lot of time with DS as a baby, and
therefore DS preferred me for quite a long time (he was also a clingy baby).

The best way to get them to bond sounds the cruelest - leave the baby with
your husband and literatlly *leave* the house for a few hours. It is awful
for you to sit there and listen to the baby cry, and since the baby knows
you're there, she'll cry. When you're not there, DH must rely on his own
parenting skills, and find his own way to comfort her, and without you
there, she will probably respond.

Do this a few times a week - just for an hour or so - so that they can grow
to know each other.

Just last night, my husband was out at a meeting at bedtime, and my DS told
me he "really wanted Daddy's kisses more". I just smiled - it's nice to
know that he wants DH sometimes!

-Shannon

"ALanphear" wrote in message
om...
My baby is 8 months old and has not bonded well with her daddy (my
husband). When she was 4 months old we went to Canada for 5 weeks.
My husband was supposed to join us for a week, but couldn't find his
birth certificate and therefore didn't get to go. My little girl,
Katherine, was doing fine with him before this trip, but since we got
back all she does is cry in a tantrum when he holds her or when she
even thinks he is going to hold her. My husband also works shift work
and really doesn't get to spend enough time with her. I am a stay at
home mom and basically do everything with Katherine.

We are trying to have Katherine spend more time with my husband, but
all she does is cry uncontrollably when he holds her or if I try to
leave the two alone together. I cannot even get up from sitting next
to her without her crying.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how we can change things now or is
it too late for Katherine to bond well with her daddy? I really feel
sorry for my husband, but at the same time have trouble letting him
hold Katherine because I feel bad for her when she cries.

Thanks for ANY help you can give us.

A. Lanphear

"ALanphear" wrote in message
om...
My baby is 8 months old and has not bonded well with her daddy (my
husband). When she was 4 months old we went to Canada for 5 weeks.
My husband was supposed to join us for a week, but couldn't find his
birth certificate and therefore didn't get to go. My little girl,
Katherine, was doing fine with him before this trip, but since we got
back all she does is cry in a tantrum when he holds her or when she
even thinks he is going to hold her. My husband also works shift work
and really doesn't get to spend enough time with her. I am a stay at
home mom and basically do everything with Katherine.

It sounds to me like stranger anxiety, and she's about the right age for
that. I know it's a little weird to think her daddy would be a stranger but
she doesn't see him very often, and she knows that you're the one who
usually does everything with her and cares for her.

Unfortunately, if that's the case, I don't have any great advice for you. My
DD suffered terrible stranger anxiety, starting around 8 months, and only
quite recently grew out of it. She's 14 months now.

My DD did best if people didn't try to pick her up or get too close. If they
were just close by but not touching her, she'd get a little upset but then
would be OK. After a few meetings like that, she'd generally warm up to them
and would go to them to be picked up. OTOH, there were certain people that
she never got used to until she got past the stranger anxiety.

The good news is that your DD and her daddy have not irreparably damaged
their relationship, or anything like that. In a few months, I can almost
guarantee that she'll be overjoyed to see him whenever he's around and
she'll cling to him and never want him to leave.

Lucy

ALanphear wrote:
My baby is 8 months old and has not bonded well with her daddy (my
husband). ............... Does anyone have any suggestions on how we can
change things now or is
it too late for Katherine to bond well with her daddy? I really feel
sorry for my husband, but at the same time have trouble letting him
hold Katherine because I feel bad for her when she cries.

Honestly, I wouldn't worry about it. My first baby was just like this and
daddy spent nearly as much time with the baby as I did, they had plenty of
alone time together (he had the baby 2 days a week when I worked). The baby
was just all about mom for over a year. Even the time between 12-24 months
he chose me over dh (and cried if we tried to force the opposite) but he was
OK with dh if I was gone. At 24mos I had another baby and he started
accepting dh over me and their relationship blossomed wonderfully. I *know*
it is difficult. Hard for daddy's to deal with and hard for mom's when they
would just die for a 30 minute break! For us, trying to force the issue
just led to misery by all so if there was a time when baby *had* to be with
daddy....he was and we just dealt with the crying but we didn't force it if
I was available. We did a lot of things all together. Dh and I would sit
on the couch together. Dh would play with the baby while I held him. We'd
take walks together. Dh would talk to the baby the whole way...but I'd be
holding him. We'd bath the baby together. Things like that.

#2 wasn't really like that so I think it is just a personality quirk of some
babies. I don't think it really means much in terms of bonding and future
relationships. That baby is 4.5 now and his daddy walks on water. I don't
think he'd notice if I disappeared for a week, lol.
--
Nikki
Mama to Hunter (4) and Luke (2)

Hi -

My husband has been a very active daddy from the beginning ... which
didn't prevent the kids from having a distinct mommy preference for the
first year or so. They go back and forth, though. They'll go for a few
months preferring mom, then a few months preferring dad ... and now, at
6 and 8 years of age, they have activities that they prefer to do with
mom and other ones that they prefer to do with dad. So don't get upset
at the initial bonding, unless your husband is upset by it.

Now, as for the crying when with dad ... Here are some things that you
can do to help get past that phase.

Play 1 2 3. You swing the baby in your arms and say 1, 2, 3, and then
pass the baby to daddy, who IMMEDIATELY does the same thing and then
passes the baby back. Do it fast, so the baby doesn't have time to get
upset, but DOES learn that being with daddy doesn't mean giving up mommy
forever. Over the course of a week or so, daddy should be able to hold
the baby for an increasing period of time before returning her to mom.

DO things together: you, daddy and baby. Good things to do are meals
and baths. Try to find some fun things that ONLY daddy does, like using
the swings at the playground, or taking baths together (two in the tub)
or whatever works for you. Mom can be there, but should not be actively
participating. Just present to reassure baby.

The more time the THREE of you spend together, even if mom is holding
the baby (and dad is hugging the both of you) the more comfortable the
baby will feel about being with dad.

One final thing: make sure dad is either clean-shaven or bushy.
Stubble can be quite painful against baby skin.

I hope these suggestions help,
--Beth Kevles

http://web.mit.edu/kevles/www/nomilk.html -- a page for the milk-allergic
Disclaimer: Nothing in this message should be construed as medical
advice. Please consult with your own medical practicioner.

NOTE: No email is read at my MIT address. Use the AOL one if you would
like me to reply.