I know it's not about getting a gold medal or anything....

"cjra" wrote in message
oups.com...
so why does it bug me so much when people disparage, or at least
dismiss my efforts?

I would like to know why women who breastfeed need to feel like they are
doing the most heroic thing on earth? Why do you need your efforts
acknowledged? All you are doing is feeding a baby. It has to be fed one way
or the other. If others don't do it or come up with excuses because they
couldn't or really deep down didn't want to, so what. I don't know why
anything needs to be said to anyone if they breastfeed or not. All this
patting on the back and saying what a good job is really annoying and I
personally don't see a need for it. No one pats a mother on the back and say
what a good job potty training you are doing. There are more ways to be a
good mother and the method of feeding the baby doesn't usually factor in the
equation.
--
Sue (mom to three girls)

On Jan 24, 9:48 am, "Sue" wrote:
"cjra" wrote in ooglegroups.com...

so why does it bug me so much when people disparage, or at least
dismiss my efforts?

I would like to know why women who breastfeed need to feel like they are
doing the most heroic thing on earth?

Where'd you come up with heroic? I don't believe I've ever equated my
hard work with heroism.

Why do you need your efforts
acknowledged?

I don't, as I stated in the initial post. "it's not that I need a medal
for it, or even need a pat on the back." I don't even need it
acknowledged, as I stated.

It'd bother me a lot *less* if it was simply *not* acknowledged. If it
was simply standard, that'd be great. I'd rather you said nothing at
all, than to *belittle* my efforts, because it *was* hard work at
first.

All that said, telling someone they're doing a good job for *anything*
related to mothering is, IMO, a nice thing, esp. when said mother is
worn out, physically and emotionally exhausted. The nicest comment I
have gotten was from a family friend, an older man, no kids of his own,
who out of the blue one day said "it's so wonderful how you are with
your baby. She is lucky to have such a wonderful mom." That's all. He
wasn't commenting on BF, sleep issues, whatever. Just general. I nearly
burst into tears, because it came at a moment when I was at the edge of
my rope. Just what I needed. Maybe you never need support, but some of
us do from time to time.

On Jan 23, 5:18 pm, "Anne Rogers" wrote:
But if it's
someone who has expressed what seems to be a genuine desire to BF, but
says they tried and couldn't, and is likely to have another child, I am
tempted to offer some suggestions because I hate to see them convince
themselves they can't and not bother trying again.

absolutely, you'd almost being doing the hypothetical future baby by not
saying something, but there are ways of saying something, you could ask
something like "did you see a lactation consultant" (or call la leche
league, or whatever you feel best). Mostly the response will be no, if it's
then combined with something about either their pediatrician or obsetrician,
you could say something about them not having as much training in this area,
then for everyone, tell them how helpful a lactation consultant can be and
if possible recommend one. If possible grab a bunch of their cards and then
look up the local la leche league helpline number and write it on the back
(in the UK there is a national number on the front page of the website, here
you seem to have to dig through to the info for your state to get a helpline
number).

See, I'm just not willing to go to that level on involvement, unless
specifically asked for help/guidance/opinions, because it ventures too
deeply into harassment.

I find (and this is probably more from online than IRL) the more one is
asked about what help they got, the more defensive they become. And if
they *did* get tons of help and it still wasn't working well, I can
easily see it getting really tiresome to answer such questions for the
umpteenth time by some well meaning mom. Now I *have* had such
discussions with non-mom friends (IRL) who hope to BF one day, and then
I go into as much detail as they can tolerate,and offer tons of
resources. They're usually quite appreciative, but with a mom, esp a
new one, I don't feel comfortable doing that. I am a BFadvocate (long
before having a baby, I was involved in some maternal child health work
where BF was a big issue) but I also know what it's like as a new mom
to feel harassed for every choice you make. A simple question, if
you've heard it 20 times before, can be the final straw. I don't think
formula is evil, or one is a bad mom for choosing it. I am frustrated
by the perpetuation of misinformation, however, that's tricky to
address.

On a side note, my babysitter FF her 3 kids, including the 9 month old
now. We've talked a lot about BF and FF, but I honestly have no idea
whether she ever tried to BF. It's not come up. I know she was exposed
to it pre-kids, and has had many clients who BF so has had plenty of
opportunity to seek help if she wanted it. So we talk about our current
issues - DD's beginning to bite, her DS's struggles with formula
brands. No big deal. I respect her as a mom and as a caregiver, and I
respect her decision to FF. I feel like she respects me and my decision
to BF, she certainly supports it. I am actually very *glad* she's
never asked more, or talked about how she 'had' to give up (not that
this was the issue for her). It's a non-issue.

On 24 Jan, 15:48, "Sue" wrote:
"cjra" wrote in ooglegroups.com...

so why does it bug me so much when people disparage, or at least
dismiss my efforts?I would like to know why women who breastfeed need to feel like they are
doing the most heroic thing on earth? Why do you need your efforts
acknowledged? All you are doing is feeding a baby. It has to be fed one way
or the other. If others don't do it or come up with excuses because they
couldn't or really deep down didn't want to, so what. I don't know why
anything needs to be said to anyone if they breastfeed or not. All this
patting on the back and saying what a good job is really annoying and I
personally don't see a need for it. No one pats a mother on the back and say
what a good job potty training you are doing. There are more ways to be a
good mother and the method of feeding the baby doesn't usually factor in the
equation.

I think if a mum has difficulty with any part of mothering, whether it
be bf'ing, sleep, getting baby to eat solids, potty training - then I
think a good pat on the back can be very much appreciated. And as op
has pointed out, being dimissive of those difficulties is grating and
unproductive to say the least. When I had trouble with bf'ing my dp
said 'just feed him formula'. My hv said 'you are doing a great job,
well done'. Neither of them commenting on my choice to bf rather than
ff, it was their response to my difficulty. Which do you think helped
me? Dp hated to see me in pain and misery. so that was his practical
advice. My hv could see the bigger picture and actually understood more
that I really wanted to continue but I needed a little encouragement.

Coming out of lurk mode.....

I've noticed that there is so much misinformation out there. It urks me to
no end when I hear someone getting the wrong info from their doctor,
pediatrician, etc. Sometimes even from doulas who "specialize" in
breastfeeding. (Which is why I will someday become a lactation consultant).

I too pumped for 3 months while my twins were in the NICU, so I say GOOD FOR
YOU FOR KEEING UP WITH IT!! It's NOT easy!

Leann (just adding my $.02, and giving you a pat on the back ;-)


"stasya" wrote in message
oups.com...

cjra wrote:
so why does it bug me so much when people disparage, or at least
dismiss my efforts?

.

At the risk of sounding like a breastfeeding Nazi, it bugs the hell out
of me when women say, oh I *couldn't* breastfeed. There are not very
many reasons why you *can't*. But almost everyone in my small town
seems to not be able to. One lady told me that her milk always dried up
by the time the baby was 4 days old. I pointed out to her that your
milk usually doesn't come *in* until the 3rd or 4th day, and if you
nurse consistently, it wouldn't dry up. Another lady says she was on
too much medication, and doctors were surprised that she tried. Now
that, I could see. It seems around here like women expect breastfeeding
their babies will be just as easy as giving a bottle, no hassle, no
worry, all natural and sweet, and when it isn't, they don't persevere.
They just say they can't. I just want to say, come on! Just try it for
a month. Or a week even. It's not like they say, geez, I'm having
trouble. Did you have trouble? Then I could offer suggestions. They
just shut down and say nope, can't do it. *Sigh*

Stasya

On Jan 24, 7:01 pm, "Leann and Donald" wrote:
Coming out of lurk mode.....

I've noticed that there is so much misinformation out there. It urks me to
no end when I hear someone getting the wrong info from their doctor,
pediatrician, etc. Sometimes even from doulas who "specialize" in
breastfeeding. (Which is why I will someday become a lactation consultant).

I too pumped for 3 months while my twins were in the NICU, so I say GOOD FOR
YOU FOR KEEING UP WITH IT!! It's NOT easy!

Leann (just adding my $.02, and giving you a pat on the back ;-)

Thanks. I won't turn down a pat on the back!

Actually, as much as I don't like pumping, and my life then seemed to
revolve around hospital-pumping-hospital, it wasn't too hard to
motivate myself when DD was in NICU. I was feeling so helpless
otherwise, and she was so sick, that this was the *one* thing I *could*
do for her, to help her get better. I often felt bad for my DH that he
didn't at least have that.

3 months? Wow. That *is* heroic! When DD came home at 17 days I put
away the pump until I returned to work. I love nursing, I hate pumping.

"Sue" wrote in message
news:1cadnaSejt1C4irYnZ2dnUVZ_o6gnZ2d@wideopenwest .com...
"cjra" wrote in message
oups.com...
so why does it bug me so much when people disparage, or at least
dismiss my efforts?

I would like to know why women who breastfeed need to feel like they are
doing the most heroic thing on earth? Why do you need your efforts
acknowledged? All you are doing is feeding a baby. It has to be fed one
way
or the other. If others don't do it or come up with excuses because they
couldn't or really deep down didn't want to, so what. I don't know why
anything needs to be said to anyone if they breastfeed or not. All this
patting on the back and saying what a good job is really annoying and I
personally don't see a need for it. No one pats a mother on the back and
say
what a good job potty training you are doing. There are more ways to be a
good mother and the method of feeding the baby doesn't usually factor in
the
equation.
--
Sue (mom to three girls)


...and yet having breastfed my two children for 18 months and 2.5 years and
counting is right up there with the things I'm most proud of doing in my
life.
Yes there are more ways of being a good mother, but that doesn't mean I
can't feel proud of myself for persevering through the initial, difficult
days of breastfeeding and giving my kids a healthy start in life.
Each to their own I guess.
Amanda

Sue wrote:
"cjra" wrote in message
oups.com...
so why does it bug me so much when people disparage, or at least
dismiss my efforts?

I would like to know why women who breastfeed need to feel like they
are doing the most heroic thing on earth? Why do you need your efforts
acknowledged? All you are doing is feeding a baby. It has to be fed
one way or the other. If others don't do it or come up with excuses
because they couldn't or really deep down didn't want to, so what. I
don't know why anything needs to be said to anyone if they breastfeed
or not. All this patting on the back and saying what a good job is
really annoying and I personally don't see a need for it. No one pats
a mother on the back and say what a good job potty training you are
doing. There are more ways to be a good mother and the method of
feeding the baby doesn't usually factor in the equation.

Ooh, defensive much?

Perhaps it's just my group of mum friends but yes, we support each
other - or in your terms "pat each other on the back" - about
toilet-training, and teaching manners, and breastfeeding, and sleeping.
That's part of the point of friendship.

--
YoungBloke: 3 years, 90cm, 13kg and still BF

"Amethyst Deceiver" wrote in message


Ooh, defensive much?

Hmm, I'm not sure where the defensiveness comes in, but whatever. I have no
reason to be defensive just because I didn't need a pat on the back for a
specific act of parenting.

Perhaps it's just my group of mum friends but yes, we support each
other - or in your terms "pat each other on the back" - about
toilet-training, and teaching manners, and breastfeeding, and sleeping.
That's part of the point of friendship.

Yes, I do agree. I think though that I didn't need a pat on the back for
specific acts such as feeding, diapering, etc. Supporting one another in
general terms such as empathy for the whole parenting thing was more up my
alley. With 3 girls and PMSing, and moods, I'll take all the support and
emphathy I can get. ;o)
--
Sue (mom to three girls)

On Jan 25, 8:58 am, "Sue" wrote:
"Amethyst Deceiver" wrote in message
Ooh, defensive much?Hmm, I'm not sure where the defensiveness comes in, but whatever. I have no
reason to be defensive just because I didn't need a pat on the back for a
specific act of parenting.


I don't think Sue came off as defensive. I found that she came off as
disparaging of the OP's post altogether. It's like, putting in a good
effort to achieve something, say, running a marathon. No one *needs* a
pat on the back to do such a thing, and it's not particularily heroic,
however, then you have friends who say, oh it was *easy* for you, look
at how athletic you are! It's not particularily easy to do it, so
please don't belittle my attempts. And people who say, oh whatever,
like it *really* matters how you feed your baby, are most put-downing
of all.

Stasya