preparing children for parent having an operation

I'm probably having surgery in about a months time, it's dawned on me
that just vanishing and coming back in pain and on crutches probably
isn't helpful for the children.

I'm not sure with my 4 year old whether to tell him everything and risk
lots of questions and possibly anxiety, or whether to simplify and
probably still get loads of question but just not go beyond a certain
point. I'm wondering if I actually go into to technical details of the
surgery it might actually distract from the more worrying aspects.

Obviously for DD, 2, it's going to have to be super simple and we'll
need to really emphasis what she won't be able to do with me for a while
afterwards, such as absolutely no bouncing on the bed, no leg hugs and a
whole lot more stuff.

Cheers
Anne

We just recently lost a cat due to Kidney failure, and when the vet was
showing us the X-rays and explaining what she'd seen, DD (2 1/2) was
completely fascinated. Her response to the cat dying has been to ask people
she cares about "Do you have kidneys? Do they work right? (still working on
social skills here, obviously!). She also asked the vet if Draggy had
kidneys (The vet reassured her that Draggy was very healthy for a stuffed
dragon, and would be around a long time.)

I suspect that if you prepare your children, they may be more interested in
the medical side than otherwise. I think a lot of things which are scary for
adults are scary because we have a better concept of illness, injury and
death, and to a child are just plain neat. My daughter LOVES
skeletons-pictures, x-rays, the ones at the science museum, and the plastic
ones for halloween. But I don't think she's yet made the association that a
skeleton goes inside an animal and that, except on an x-ray, if you see a
skeleton it's NOT a good thing for the animal it formally belonged to!

On Oct 5, 4:36 pm, Anne Rogers wrote:
I'm probably having surgery in about a months time, it's dawned on me
that just vanishing and coming back in pain and on crutches probably
isn't helpful for the children.

I'm not sure with my 4 year old whether to tell him everything and risk
lots of questions and possibly anxiety, or whether to simplify and
probably still get loads of question but just not go beyond a certain
point. I'm wondering if I actually go into to technical details of the
surgery it might actually distract from the more worrying aspects.

Obviously for DD, 2, it's going to have to be super simple and we'll
need to really emphasis what she won't be able to do with me for a while
afterwards, such as absolutely no bouncing on the bed, no leg hugs and a
whole lot more stuff.

Best of luck with the surgery. My brother had fairly big scary
surgery (removal of a large benign tumor compressing his spinal cord)
a few months back. When the Bug asked in the car on the way back from
my parents' house, "Mommy, what does M R I spell?" it reminded me to
do a better job of including her in the discussion. We all went to
visit him and help out shortly after the surgery, so she had to
understand what was going on and what she could and couldn't do with
him.

I wouldn't go into potential complications, but I would explain just
about everything else at both children's respective levels. Maybe the
Bug's in a special situation because her mommy's a doctor, but I think
most kids are actually quite interested in how the body works, what
goes on in hospitals, and what doctors do. For DS I'd explain as best
you can about the bones and joints, why yours isn't working right, and
what the surgeon will do to fix them. Books about hospitals and
surgery might help, or even if you have patient handouts that show
your problem you can show him the picture and point out what elements
you think he might understand. For DD it'll probably just be "mommy's
___ is broken and I'm going to the hospital so the doctor can fix it.
While it's still getting better you can't____ because that might break
it again."

Good luck!

Kate, ignorant foot soldier of the medical cartel
and the Bug, 4 years old
and something brewing, 4/08

Remember that children have very few expectations. So they may have
no reason to be afraid, unless you or some other adult gives them
one. I would focus on the positives: not what your children cannot
do while you are healing, but what they can do. They can come see you
in the hospital and kiss you and touch you gently. Consider what
other adults in their circle of acquaintances are likely to say about
your pending surgery, and *avoid* the ones who may project scary
ideas.

Eg, before I delivered Hungry Girl my mother started preparing Monkey
Boy (almost 2.5) by saying his mommy could not carry him any more
because of the new baby. Then she started in on all the other things
he wouldn't be able do while I was in the hospital. Wah! She meant
well but she was setting him up for raging jealousy of the new baby
and most of it wasn't even true! She just thought the new baby was a
good excuse for him to get used to walking more and being carried
less, etc. I had to think fast of some other, more constructive
things for her to say, such as "You are getting to be such a Big Boy,
look how far you can walk!" Ditto re the hospital: instead of mommy
is going to be away and won't be able to tuck you in, say while mommy
is getting fixed granny will come and stay with you and play lots of
fun games and tuck you in at night.

Pologirl

"Anne Rogers" wrote in message
. ..
I'm probably having surgery in about a months time, it's dawned on me that
just vanishing and coming back in pain and on crutches probably isn't
helpful for the children.

I'm not sure with my 4 year old whether to tell him everything and risk
lots of questions and possibly anxiety, or whether to simplify and
probably still get loads of question but just not go beyond a certain
point. I'm wondering if I actually go into to technical details of the
surgery it might actually distract from the more worrying aspects.

Obviously for DD, 2, it's going to have to be super simple and we'll need
to really emphasis what she won't be able to do with me for a while
afterwards, such as absolutely no bouncing on the bed, no leg hugs and a
whole lot more stuff.

Perhaps something to make sure is that he (they) know that you are coming
back.

When I was growing up my mum had a friend who went into hospital for an
operation, which she was going to be in for about a week. Her son (who was
about 10/12 I think) was asked when she was coming out and he replied that
she wasn't coming out she was going to die.
Somehow in telling them that she was going to be ill when she came out he
had taken it to be a "soft" way of introducing that she was going to die.

Debbie

When the Bug asked in the car on the way back from
my parents' house, "Mommy, what does M R I spell?"
I am looking to have gastric bypass surgery and Jeff told Bonnie that I
would be having an operation and when it was done I would start
shrinking. Well it confused me the first 3 times she asked me if I was
shrinking yet as I had not been there for the talk. Each time she was
disappointed when I said no. Finally I explained that I didn't have the
operation yet. LOL.

Tori