talking about the school day

Beliavsky wrote:
When I ask my 4yo son what he did in school today, he either shrugs,
says "I don't remember", or tells me what he ate for lunch. I don't
think he is trying to be standoffish. Asking my 2yo (who stays at
home) what he did produces a cheerful "nothing!". I can get some idea
what the older son is doing by looking at the worksheets or projects
he brings home. He does like school. So I think there is no point in
probing -- if he wants to tell me something, he will. Sound reasonable?

Others have given some good ideas how to get
conversations started, but I just wanted to emphasize that
(at least in my opinion), no, it's not reasonable to assume
that your child will pipe up if he has something important
to say.
First, children won't talk to you about the important
things if they're not already talking about the relatively
unimportant things. It's having a foundation for communication
that allows them to be able to talk about the important things
when they come up. Not talking about things becomes a habit,
and pretty son it'll be a hard habit to break even when
he *wants* to talk to you about something.
Second, totally aside from the issue of "important"
conversations, this is your son's life. It's important to
be interested and involved. Of course you're not going to
hear about everything in exhaustive detail (well, from most
kids you won't--there are those who'll spend five hours talking
nonstop to regale you with stories about what happened in
three hours of preschool...ask me how I know ;-) ). This
is still a part of who he is, and you should be interested
and informed.
I completely agree with those who point out that
it's best (with boys especially) to have conversations
while doing something else. Otherwise they feel cornered
and they clam up.

Best wishes,
Ericka

Beliavsky wrote:
When I ask my 4yo son what he did in school today, he either shrugs,
says "I don't remember", or tells me what he ate for lunch. I don't
think he is trying to be standoffish. Asking my 2yo (who stays at
home) what he did produces a cheerful "nothing!". I can get some idea
what the older son is doing by looking at the worksheets or projects
he brings home. He does like school. So I think there is no point in
probing -- if he wants to tell me something, he will. Sound reasonable?


Ah, I remember these dialogs well from when I was young. I was
reflecting on them once, wondering how they could have gone
better, when it occured to me that my parents never told me
how _their_ days went. They both had pretty interesting jobs,
but I couldn't have told you a thing about their day
to day activities.

While I haven't had a chance to put it into practice yet,
( no verbal kids ) my plan is to try modeling - instead
of just "what did you do today?", starting off with "This is what
I did today" Make it a conversation instead of a status report
- which is how it always felt to me.

So I'll throw it out there - you can let me know if it works ;-)


--
turnip

wrote:

Beliavsky wrote:
When I ask my 4yo son what he did in school today, he either shrugs,
says "I don't remember", or tells me what he ate for lunch. I don't
think he is trying to be standoffish. Asking my 2yo (who stays at
home) what he did produces a cheerful "nothing!". I can get some idea
what the older son is doing by looking at the worksheets or projects
he brings home. He does like school. So I think there is no point in
probing -- if he wants to tell me something, he will. Sound reasonable?

I was thinking about this. When I was 10, I was molested, and I
nearly didn't tell my parents about it because I felt vaguely ashamed
and definitely embarrassed. I finally admitted it because I was
afraid I was pregnant (I didn't know how that worked, and that I
couldn't get pregnant from someone touching my breasts)

And when my son was molested by the older boy next door, he didn't
tell me about it until he was grown and had 3 kids of his own. And I
thought we had a pretty good relationship - he talked quite a bit.

So unless they get into the habit of talking about trivial details,
you may not hear the important ones. And even if you do talk, you
still may not know that he is keeping quiet about something. But I
think there is a much better chance if you are talking.

Ah, I remember these dialogs well from when I was young. I was
reflecting on them once, wondering how they could have gone
better, when it occured to me that my parents never told me
how _their_ days went. They both had pretty interesting jobs,
but I couldn't have told you a thing about their day
to day activities.

When we sat down to dinner, my mom always asked my dad how his day had
gone, and they discussed it. As a point of interest, my dad (who was
a professor) would alternately refer to the dean as the Dean or by his
last name. For years, I thought they were two different people.

While I haven't had a chance to put it into practice yet,
( no verbal kids ) my plan is to try modeling - instead
of just "what did you do today?", starting off with "This is what
I did today" Make it a conversation instead of a status report
- which is how it always felt to me.

So I'll throw it out there - you can let me know if it works ;-)

Rosalie B. wrote:
wrote:

I was thinking about this. When I was 10, I was molested, and I
nearly didn't tell my parents about it because I felt vaguely ashamed
and definitely embarrassed. I finally admitted it because I was
afraid I was pregnant (I didn't know how that worked, and that I
couldn't get pregnant from someone touching my breasts)

And when my son was molested by the older boy next door, he didn't
tell me about it until he was grown and had 3 kids of his own. And I
thought we had a pretty good relationship - he talked quite a bit.

So unless they get into the habit of talking about trivial details,
you may not hear the important ones. And even if you do talk, you
still may not know that he is keeping quiet about something. But I
think there is a much better chance if you are talking.


This is in the back of my mind too - I had a couple of friends
who had unpleasant sexual encounters when they were of elementary
school age, and neither told anyone until they were well
into their 20s. While I didn't have any similar experiences,
I am virtually certain I wouldn't have said anything to my parents
either. We just didn't have an open, easy communication pattern
going on - and it wasn't the sort of thing that would have
been solved by a few 'good touch/bad touch' talks. ( If
anything, I think I would have felt more ashamed if I'd
I should have 'known better' ).

I don't know how to overcome
this with my kids, but I keep fixating on modeling - talking
to them ( age-appropriatly ) about the good and bad things that
are going on with DH and I, and creating an atmosphere
where it's OK to say "My boss and I had a disagreement" or
"That presentation didn't go as well as I hoped" or "I only
got a B on my math test". The admission that there are
ups and downs and it can all be shared with an appropriatly
sympathetic family.

I don't know - maybe it's a pipe dream. I'll let you know
when I get there.

--
turnip

On Thu, 04 Oct 2007 10:40:11 -0700, Beliavsky
wrote:

When I ask my 4yo son what he did in school today, he either shrugs,
says "I don't remember", or tells me what he ate for lunch. I don't
think he is trying to be standoffish. Asking my 2yo (who stays at
home) what he did produces a cheerful "nothing!". I can get some idea
what the older son is doing by looking at the worksheets or projects
he brings home. He does like school. So I think there is no point in
probing -- if he wants to tell me something, he will. Sound reasonable?

At this age, it is often productive to look at the lesson plans posted
on the board and ask specific questions? Did you like the story about
the bears? What happened in it? Did you learn a song about the
letter A? Can you sing it for me? Which center did you play in? Who
did you play with?

Certainly, you don't have to ask, but for most 4 year olds, if you
want the information, you need to be specific.


--
Dorothy

There is no sound, no cry in all the world
that can be heard unless someone listens ..

The Outer Limits

wrote in message
...
Beliavsky wrote:
When I ask my 4yo son what he did in school today, he either shrugs,
says "I don't remember", or tells me what he ate for lunch. I don't
think he is trying to be standoffish. Asking my 2yo (who stays at
home) what he did produces a cheerful "nothing!". I can get some idea
what the older son is doing by looking at the worksheets or projects
he brings home. He does like school. So I think there is no point in
probing -- if he wants to tell me something, he will. Sound reasonable?


Ah, I remember these dialogs well from when I was young. I was
reflecting on them once, wondering how they could have gone
better, when it occured to me that my parents never told me
how _their_ days went. They both had pretty interesting jobs,
but I couldn't have told you a thing about their day
to day activities.

Well my sister asked my dad why he didn't bring his artwork home from work.
When he told her he didn't do art at work she looked shocked and asked
"well, what do you do in the afternoons then..."
Debbie

On Oct 5, 5:59 pm, toto wrote:
On Thu, 04 Oct 2007 10:40:11 -0700, Beliavsky
wrote:

When I ask my 4yo son what he did in school today, he either shrugs,
says "I don't remember", or tells me what he ate for lunch. I don't
think he is trying to be standoffish. Asking my 2yo (who stays at
home) what he did produces a cheerful "nothing!". I can get some idea
what the older son is doing by looking at the worksheets or projects
he brings home. He does like school. So I think there is no point in
probing -- if he wants to tell me something, he will. Sound reasonable?

At this age, it is often productive to look at the lesson plans posted
on the board and ask specific questions? Did you like the story about
the bears? What happened in it? Did you learn a song about the
letter A? Can you sing it for me? Which center did you play in? Who
did you play with?

Certainly, you don't have to ask, but for most 4 year olds, if you
want the information, you need to be specific.

--
Dorothy

Thanks to you and everyone else who replied for their ideas.