Advice for Kindergartener (and mom)?

Hi all, my kindergartener is facing a little problem, not uncommon, an I am
wondering what I can do to help her (or if doing nothing is the best
advice).

The situation is, we've lived in our neighborhood for four months. My
daughter did not previously go to school or daycare here, and started
Kindergarten two weeks ago. Things seem to be going well at school (she's
bright and charming and fun) except for one thing:

DD has easily made friends in the neighborhood. One of these, Carly, is also
in her Kindergarten class of 19 students.Carly is a darling, but at school
she has other friends who are not interested in including DD. And although I
don't think DD is bold enough to try to exclude them, she is really focused
on being with Carly. Carly, I suspect, would just as soon play with
everyone, but I could easily see her feeling smothered by my DD's
attentions. DD has a huge heart and tends to be adoring, even worshipping.

Ideally, I could find some words and actions to help boost my daughter's
self-confidence (the big picture), specifically with this issue to not have
her rely so much on Carly (the little picture). But I just don't know how to
help her, either play these games or overcome them, without making her
self-conscious about friendship. All of this Alpha/Beta lingo is trendy, and
I'm bummed that these politics are evident in Kindergarten already, but I'd
like to help her be a Gamma Girl.

"Do nothing, let her work it out" is an option. Does anyone have any words
of wisdom for me, especially things I can tell DD to help her?
--
Marnie
--

"Marnie" wrote in message
"Do nothing, let her work it out" is an option. Does anyone have any words
of wisdom for me, especially things I can tell DD to help her?

I always found it helpful to have one friend over that the child is
interested in getting to know. It's nice so that way they can spend one on
one time with each other outside of school. Is there anyone else that your
daughter is interested in playing with or getting to know? I've also found
it good to stay out of it and let things work themselves, which it usually
does. Girls can be pretty catty and there are going to be ups and downs from
now on. Better to help your daughter to learn coping skills than to get
involved in every little squabble or mishap that happens.

--
Sue (mom to three girls)

"Sue" wrote in message
...
"Marnie" wrote in message
"Do nothing, let her work it out" is an option. Does anyone have any
words
of wisdom for me, especially things I can tell DD to help her?

I always found it helpful to have one friend over that the child is
interested in getting to know. It's nice so that way they can spend one on
one time with each other outside of school. Is there anyone else that your
daughter is interested in playing with or getting to know? I've also found
it good to stay out of it and let things work themselves, which it usually
does. Girls can be pretty catty and there are going to be ups and downs
from
now on. Better to help your daughter to learn coping skills than to get
involved in every little squabble or mishap that happens.

Thanks, Sue. The neighborhood kids are over often, but I think it might be
good to expand that a bit. I've found the "work-it-out" advice from me to DD
usually works, but I think this time she's in a near-bully situation (older
girl sensing a weakness, etc) and getting frustrated. Beyond offering her
encouragement towards being more confident and resilient, I don't plan on
involving myself in the squabble.
--
Marnie
--

"Marnie" wrote in message
news:EWq%c.148891$mD.75734@attbi_s02...
Hi all, my kindergartener is facing a little problem, not uncommon, an I
am
wondering what I can do to help her (or if doing nothing is the best
advice).

The situation is, we've lived in our neighborhood for four months. My
daughter did not previously go to school or daycare here, and started
Kindergarten two weeks ago. Things seem to be going well at school (she's
bright and charming and fun) except for one thing:

DD has easily made friends in the neighborhood. One of these, Carly, is
also
in her Kindergarten class of 19 students.Carly is a darling, but at school
she has other friends who are not interested in including DD. And although
I
don't think DD is bold enough to try to exclude them, she is really
focused
on being with Carly. Carly, I suspect, would just as soon play with
everyone, but I could easily see her feeling smothered by my DD's
attentions. DD has a huge heart and tends to be adoring, even worshipping.

Ideally, I could find some words and actions to help boost my daughter's
self-confidence (the big picture), specifically with this issue to not
have
her rely so much on Carly (the little picture). But I just don't know how
to
help her, either play these games or overcome them, without making her
self-conscious about friendship. All of this Alpha/Beta lingo is trendy,
and
I'm bummed that these politics are evident in Kindergarten already, but
I'd
like to help her be a Gamma Girl.

"Do nothing, let her work it out" is an option. Does anyone have any words
of wisdom for me, especially things I can tell DD to help her?
--
Marnie
--


I think it's still a bit early for any parental intervention, other than
asking your daughter about other possible playmates and having playdates
with them. She basically needs to expand her social circle so maybe she
isn't dependent on one child so much. This just takes time and two weeks
isn't so long.

Also, I found with young children, they can't seem to handle lots of
friendships simultaneously. So, when DD's neighborhood friend's cousin comes
over to play, the friend ignores DD. Similarly when DD's best friend comes
over to play, DD tends to ignore the neighborhood friend. As painful as it
may seem to you, this is something your daughter may just have to work out
on her own.

Jeanne

"Bruce Bridgman and Jeanne Yang" wrote in

I think it's still a bit early for any parental intervention, other than
asking your daughter about other possible playmates and having playdates
with them. She basically needs to expand her social circle so maybe she
isn't dependent on one child so much. This just takes time and two weeks
isn't so long.

Also, I found with young children, they can't seem to handle lots of
friendships simultaneously. So, when DD's neighborhood friend's cousin
comes
over to play, the friend ignores DD. Similarly when DD's best friend
comes
over to play, DD tends to ignore the neighborhood friend. As painful as
it
may seem to you, this is something your daughter may just have to work out
on her own.

Thanks, Jeanne. You are quite right about two weeks not being long enough to
sort things out. And as I've said, I totally think not getting involved is a
good option. I think she's frustrated, and I don't want her to feel
powerless. I lacked social confidence as a kid, and I'm A-OK now, but it's
not easy watching my child go through it. There is a social learning curve
that she hasn't (and as a parent, I haven't) accomplished yet.
--
Marnie
--

"Marnie" wrote in message
news:EWq%c.148891$mD.75734@attbi_s02...

snip

Ideally, I could find some words and actions to help boost my daughter's
self-confidence (the big picture), specifically with this issue to not
have
her rely so much on Carly (the little picture). But I just don't know how
to
help her, either play these games or overcome them, without making her
self-conscious about friendship. All of this Alpha/Beta lingo is trendy,
and
I'm bummed that these politics are evident in Kindergarten already, but
I'd
like to help her be a Gamma Girl.

"Do nothing, let her work it out" is an option. Does anyone have any words
of wisdom for me, especially things I can tell DD to help her?

As others have said, it's early days yet and your daughter is likely to make
friends with the other girls soon. However, there are a couple of things I
would consider doing. One is to suggest to my daughter that she might like
to invite some of the girls over for a playdate. That can be difficult to
arrange if they have after-school care but weekend playdates can be an
option. I would make those one-on-one playdates to allow the girls to focus
on each other.

Another idea would be to ask around at school and see if any of the girls in
her class have out-of-school activities that your daughter might also enjoy.
Starting school can be very tiring for littlies and you wouldn't want to
over extend a kindergartener but joining in an activity with girls she knows
from school could help her widen her friendship base - as well as giving her
something fun to enjoy, of course!

Tai

"Tai" wrote in message news:2q9e9pFslu4gU1@uni-

As others have said, it's early days yet and your daughter is likely to
make
friends with the other girls soon. However, there are a couple of things I
would consider doing. One is to suggest to my daughter that she might like
to invite some of the girls over for a playdate. That can be difficult to
arrange if they have after-school care but weekend playdates can be an
option. I would make those one-on-one playdates to allow the girls to
focus
on each other.

Another idea would be to ask around at school and see if any of the girls
in
her class have out-of-school activities that your daughter might also
enjoy.
Starting school can be very tiring for littlies and you wouldn't want to
over extend a kindergartener but joining in an activity with girls she
knows
from school could help her widen her friendship base - as well as giving
her
something fun to enjoy, of course!

Thanks, Tai. DD is actually near-overscheduled right now, with soccer two
days a week (temporarily) and gymnastics and dance once each -- but you are
right, as she connects these activities with the girls she sees on the
playground, I think things will click a little better for her.

And, as it turns out, all the girls played together much better today, so at
worst this will be an inconsistent problem that DD will learn to adjust to.
--
Marnie
--

"Marnie" wrote in message
news:CfJ%c.58900$3l3.16198@attbi_s03...
I think she's frustrated, and I don't want her to feel
powerless. I lacked social confidence as a kid, and I'm A-OK now, but it's
not easy watching my child go through it. There is a social learning curve
that she hasn't (and as a parent, I haven't) accomplished yet.
--
Marnie


I think one of the hardest thing about parenting is NOT transferring your
own fears (and baggage) to your child. I have to work on this all the time.

A few months ago, I was talking to another mom about school and stuff. DD
is in second grade and entered the public elementary school this year. When
I mentioned public middle school and the social scene (I also lacked social
confidence), she reminded me that 1) my daughter was not me; 2) we live in a
different era; 3) we live in a different neighborhood, so the things that
happened to me may not happen to my daughter and she may not react the same
way.

I hope this made some sense.

Jeanne

"LisaBell" wrote in message
DD had a rather hard time with the politics of kindergarten, mainly
because she seemed totally oblivious of the manipulations being
exercized by others, although she sensed the ill will. Ist grade seems
a lot better in that regard.

Thanks, Lisa. That's nice to know. I can sense all that happening here, too.
The neighborhood first and second-graders are very comfortable with each
other, with including DD and Carly, and with having fun whether it's two or
eight of them together. They've had more exposure to the group dynamic, and
so, probably, have a lot of the kids DD is in Kindergarten with. I'm glad I
asked, because I'm thinking about things in a better way now.
--
Marnie
--

On Tue, 07 Sep 2004 22:50:12 GMT, "Marnie"
wrote:

Ideally, I could find some words and actions to help boost my daughter's
self-confidence (the big picture), specifically with this issue to not have
her rely so much on Carly (the little picture). But I just don't know how to
help her, either play these games or overcome them, without making her
self-conscious about friendship. All of this Alpha/Beta lingo is trendy, and
I'm bummed that these politics are evident in Kindergarten already, but I'd
like to help her be a Gamma Girl.

Having a daughter much like yours I say don't say anything specific to
her about it. What worked best for us was just to introduce her to
other kids, having lots of playdates with different kids, so that she
could see for herself the big picture (ie- lots of fish in the sea
other than preferred friend) and to break any dependancy on one
friendship.

DD had a rather hard time with the politics of kindergarten, mainly
because she seemed totally oblivious of the manipulations being
exercized by others, although she sensed the ill will. Ist grade seems
a lot better in that regard.

--Lisa bell
Mom to Gabriella (almost 6) and Michaela (4.5)