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  #1  
Old January 25th 04, 04:47 AM
127.0.0.1
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Suggestions?

Remember those piano lessons when you were a kid, or some such "torture"
that you absolutely hated. Probably survived it just by forgetting it as
quickly as possible? For me it was dishes. Lots of dishes. Seems whenever I
got into trouble I had to do the dishes. For 9+ people, three meals a day
(plus snacks for 7 kids), plus the cooking stuff. That meant drying them and
putting them away. (Looking back now, maybe my siblings got me into some of
that trouble on purpose LOL!) I HATED dishes! This was pre-dishwasher on the
market much less imagining affording one.

But ... I SURE got good at dishes! Realized it years later. Now I don't like
'em or hate 'em, I just do them when they need to be done. At one point,
hating them so much, I even read an article in one of my mother's mags that
gave tips on how to do them faster and easier and put it into practice. To
this day I do NOT appreciate having had to do all those dishes! but I
learned that some things just have to be done, get thru it, and get on with
life.

My kid doesn't do dishes; with her, it's a battle to get her to put it on
the counter, rinsed, stacked whatever. But this isn't about dishes.

I am a stickler for communicating. I have reasons that clear ongoing
communication has to happen in my house. Good reasons. Also, with computers
being part of life for a long! time, written communication, and
understanding what you read and applying it, seems even more important to me
that kids learn early.

February starts major task lists in our house for her; she will have a check
off daily of what she's supposed to do, and as we go it will be written out
in detail so I won't hear "You didn't tell me that!" and such. I put a lot
of work into it. But it doesn't solve the problem of HER communication with
me. I've taken care of letting her know as clearly as I possibly can what is
expected of her, but getting feedback involves 20 questions (more like 50,
and you still don't get an answer!) Forget about having a conversation! When
you ask, "Did you understand that?" (answer, "sure" but she can't repeat it
back) and "What are you thinking while I'm talking to you?" (answer, "How
can I get out of this conversation"), I certainly don't have the stamina to
figure out her train of thought on anything else.

So I've tried getting her to write ... you name it, a journal, letters to
family or her dad, pen pals, ANYTHING. Even did the assigned question thing,
which, when she acted like she didn't understand what a piece of paper was,
got to the point I had her writing out words she claimed to not understand
(like "behavior" which was a good one), or to clarify what she did
understand. (I really liked that exercise! Wish I could keep her doing it!)
I did the checklist thing ... what did you do today, how do you feel about,
etc. All have been failures over the past year. She does it a couple of
times, then causes a serious problem or disruption to avoid it.

THIS time, she has to write 30 minutes before dinner or no dinner until its
done. If not done by bedtime, oh well. Otherwise she NEVER finishes a 1-2
paragraph page!

I've searched online for journal writing stuff for kids, but haven't really
found anything that seems close or even right for this type of thing. I
don't want to do the checklist thing again, but she's really too young (10)
to give her the essay with too few restrictions. Its not that she can't
write. She'll sit and write up part of an imaginary story just to entertain
herself. But she can't communicate! She's done better in the past at
focusing when she's writing to one of her buddies (reason for the penpal
idea, which she blew off!), but usually then its about things I really can't
comprehend at all.

Seeking suggestions for a daily journal entry, and another entry (in the
morning she has 20-30 minutes waiting for the bus) where she will write out
what happened that day (just short sentences, to focus on the tangible here
and now, not somewhere in her imagination), or what she will do after
school. I don't know. I really don't care what its about as much as her
gaining some experience in structure to communicate her thoughts clearly ...
and to stick to reality enough to communicate to ME things she's supposed
to.

Example: About Nov. she came home and said something about having "played
bells today" (she's in band at school). Okay. Bells are a percussion
instrument, she's in percussion, although I specifically had signed her up
for drums. Bought her book, sticks, the stuff. No mention of any more. First
week of January she's complaining. Drums are too easy, bells are too hard,
and besides she can't ever practice the bells because she doesn't have one
at home, and by the way the teacher has some for sale for just $200!!! Turns
out they had switched her to bells (back in Nov?) but neither the school nor
the kid bothered to clearly let me know this. Guess I was supposed to be
telephathic and go out and buy such a thing (I'm not even sure WHAT she was
playing) or something. I had/have a number of issues with the band
instructor about this whole thing. Problem is, this is the type of
communication I get from her, and it can't happen. I've been put in tight
spots because of it and then get hassled by the school (or someone else
depending on the situation) for not keeping up my responsibility. My
perspective is that the adult shouldn't ASSUME the child is going to pass
the info along to the parent, and should verify that its happening. But
also, the kid needs to learn to communicate to ME. Part of the reason she's
restricted is for a few failures to communicate thru the holidays.

Does this make sense? Any suggestions?


  #2  
Old January 25th 04, 01:01 PM
Moon Shyne
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Suggestions?

The more you lean on this child, restrict this child, and make unreasonable
demands on this child, the more she's going to close you out.

You want her to communicate in writing more? Read her stories......... she's
communicating, though I suspect you may be missing her message.

She tells you she played bells at school today? Why didn't you ask more
questions.... and if she didn't answer, why didn't you call the school way back
when?

The more I read your posts, the more it sounds like you are demanding that this
10 year old child be some performer, who does precisely what you want her to
do - why not explore who and what she truly is, and let her be that? I can
practically guarantee that she'll be good at it.

She closes you out because no matter what she's done, it hasn't been good enough
for you. Then you complain that she closed you out.

Let her open up without being condemned for it, and you might find that you have
a child you actually like.

"127.0.0.1" wrote in message
...
Remember those piano lessons when you were a kid, or some such "torture"
that you absolutely hated. Probably survived it just by forgetting it as
quickly as possible? For me it was dishes. Lots of dishes. Seems whenever I
got into trouble I had to do the dishes. For 9+ people, three meals a day
(plus snacks for 7 kids), plus the cooking stuff. That meant drying them and
putting them away. (Looking back now, maybe my siblings got me into some of
that trouble on purpose LOL!) I HATED dishes! This was pre-dishwasher on the
market much less imagining affording one.

But ... I SURE got good at dishes! Realized it years later. Now I don't like
'em or hate 'em, I just do them when they need to be done. At one point,
hating them so much, I even read an article in one of my mother's mags that
gave tips on how to do them faster and easier and put it into practice. To
this day I do NOT appreciate having had to do all those dishes! but I
learned that some things just have to be done, get thru it, and get on with
life.

My kid doesn't do dishes; with her, it's a battle to get her to put it on
the counter, rinsed, stacked whatever. But this isn't about dishes.

I am a stickler for communicating. I have reasons that clear ongoing
communication has to happen in my house. Good reasons. Also, with computers
being part of life for a long! time, written communication, and
understanding what you read and applying it, seems even more important to me
that kids learn early.

February starts major task lists in our house for her; she will have a check
off daily of what she's supposed to do, and as we go it will be written out
in detail so I won't hear "You didn't tell me that!" and such. I put a lot
of work into it. But it doesn't solve the problem of HER communication with
me. I've taken care of letting her know as clearly as I possibly can what is
expected of her, but getting feedback involves 20 questions (more like 50,
and you still don't get an answer!) Forget about having a conversation! When
you ask, "Did you understand that?" (answer, "sure" but she can't repeat it
back) and "What are you thinking while I'm talking to you?" (answer, "How
can I get out of this conversation"), I certainly don't have the stamina to
figure out her train of thought on anything else.

So I've tried getting her to write ... you name it, a journal, letters to
family or her dad, pen pals, ANYTHING. Even did the assigned question thing,
which, when she acted like she didn't understand what a piece of paper was,
got to the point I had her writing out words she claimed to not understand
(like "behavior" which was a good one), or to clarify what she did
understand. (I really liked that exercise! Wish I could keep her doing it!)
I did the checklist thing ... what did you do today, how do you feel about,
etc. All have been failures over the past year. She does it a couple of
times, then causes a serious problem or disruption to avoid it.

THIS time, she has to write 30 minutes before dinner or no dinner until its
done. If not done by bedtime, oh well. Otherwise she NEVER finishes a 1-2
paragraph page!

I've searched online for journal writing stuff for kids, but haven't really
found anything that seems close or even right for this type of thing. I
don't want to do the checklist thing again, but she's really too young (10)
to give her the essay with too few restrictions. Its not that she can't
write. She'll sit and write up part of an imaginary story just to entertain
herself. But she can't communicate! She's done better in the past at
focusing when she's writing to one of her buddies (reason for the penpal
idea, which she blew off!), but usually then its about things I really can't
comprehend at all.

Seeking suggestions for a daily journal entry, and another entry (in the
morning she has 20-30 minutes waiting for the bus) where she will write out
what happened that day (just short sentences, to focus on the tangible here
and now, not somewhere in her imagination), or what she will do after
school. I don't know. I really don't care what its about as much as her
gaining some experience in structure to communicate her thoughts clearly ...
and to stick to reality enough to communicate to ME things she's supposed
to.

Example: About Nov. she came home and said something about having "played
bells today" (she's in band at school). Okay. Bells are a percussion
instrument, she's in percussion, although I specifically had signed her up
for drums. Bought her book, sticks, the stuff. No mention of any more. First
week of January she's complaining. Drums are too easy, bells are too hard,
and besides she can't ever practice the bells because she doesn't have one
at home, and by the way the teacher has some for sale for just $200!!! Turns
out they had switched her to bells (back in Nov?) but neither the school nor
the kid bothered to clearly let me know this. Guess I was supposed to be
telephathic and go out and buy such a thing (I'm not even sure WHAT she was
playing) or something. I had/have a number of issues with the band
instructor about this whole thing. Problem is, this is the type of
communication I get from her, and it can't happen. I've been put in tight
spots because of it and then get hassled by the school (or someone else
depending on the situation) for not keeping up my responsibility. My
perspective is that the adult shouldn't ASSUME the child is going to pass
the info along to the parent, and should verify that its happening. But
also, the kid needs to learn to communicate to ME. Part of the reason she's
restricted is for a few failures to communicate thru the holidays.

Does this make sense? Any suggestions?




  #3  
Old January 25th 04, 05:14 PM
Kim
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Suggestions?


"127.0.0.1" wrote in message
...
Remember those piano lessons when you were a kid, or some such "torture"
that you absolutely hated. Probably survived it just by forgetting it as
quickly as possible? For me it was dishes. Lots of dishes. Seems whenever

I
got into trouble I had to do the dishes. For 9+ people, three meals a day
(plus snacks for 7 kids), plus the cooking stuff. That meant drying them

and
putting them away. (Looking back now, maybe my siblings got me into some

of
that trouble on purpose LOL!) I HATED dishes! This was pre-dishwasher on

the
market much less imagining affording one.

But ... I SURE got good at dishes! Realized it years later. Now I don't

like
'em or hate 'em, I just do them when they need to be done. At one point,
hating them so much, I even read an article in one of my mother's mags

that
gave tips on how to do them faster and easier and put it into practice. To
this day I do NOT appreciate having had to do all those dishes! but I
learned that some things just have to be done, get thru it, and get on

with
life.


Very true... Wise words no less!!!


My kid doesn't do dishes; with her, it's a battle to get her to put it on
the counter, rinsed, stacked whatever. But this isn't about dishes.


hehehe ok youjust described my kids to a T...


I am a stickler for communicating. I have reasons that clear ongoing
communication has to happen in my house. Good reasons. Also, with

computers
being part of life for a long! time, written communication, and
understanding what you read and applying it, seems even more important to

me
that kids learn early.


Communication IS EXTREMELY important...

February starts major task lists in our house for her; she will have a

check
off daily of what she's supposed to do, and as we go it will be written

out
in detail so I won't hear "You didn't tell me that!" and such. I put a lot
of work into it.


Been there done that... Even had to do DETAILS at one point with one child
LOL

But it doesn't solve the problem of HER communication with
me. I've taken care of letting her know as clearly as I possibly can what

is
expected of her, but getting feedback involves 20 questions (more like 50,
and you still don't get an answer!) Forget about having a conversation!

When
you ask, "Did you understand that?" (answer, "sure" but she can't repeat

it
back) and "What are you thinking while I'm talking to you?" (answer, "How
can I get out of this conversation"), I certainly don't have the stamina

to
figure out her train of thought on anything else.


Standard answer for a very sullen child... Setting boundries is perfectly
logical... You can't FORCE anyone to converse with you ESPECIALLY a pre
teen/teen... That's just silly, they are only going to communicate what THEY
want to tell you -- and when they finally do say a word or two you might
want to listen carefully


So I've tried getting her to write ... you name it, a journal, letters to
family or her dad, pen pals, ANYTHING. Even did the assigned question

thing,
which, when she acted like she didn't understand what a piece of paper

was,
got to the point I had her writing out words she claimed to not understand
(like "behavior" which was a good one), or to clarify what she did
understand. (I really liked that exercise! Wish I could keep her doing

it!)
I did the checklist thing ... what did you do today, how do you feel

about,
etc. All have been failures over the past year. She does it a couple of
times, then causes a serious problem or disruption to avoid it.


Wow you ARE dedicated I'll give you that... does she talk with her pals? a
close relative? I'm thinking she does... You are applying some major
pressure that is creating MORE problems...


THIS time, she has to write 30 minutes before dinner or no dinner until

its
done. If not done by bedtime, oh well. Otherwise she NEVER finishes a 1-2
paragraph page!



I think I'd rather do the dishes!


I've searched online for journal writing stuff for kids, but haven't

really
found anything that seems close or even right for this type of thing. I
don't want to do the checklist thing again, but she's really too young

(10)
to give her the essay with too few restrictions. Its not that she can't
write. She'll sit and write up part of an imaginary story just to

entertain
herself. But she can't communicate! She's done better in the past at
focusing when she's writing to one of her buddies (reason for the penpal
idea, which she blew off!), but usually then its about things I really

can't
comprehend at all.


10?!?!?! TEN? I thought you were talking about a teenager!!! She's TEN...
She's supposed to write goofy stories... She's not interested in diaries or
journals and from the sounds of things she certainly doesn't want mom
reading what she wrote for fear of criticism... You are one tough cookie!


Seeking suggestions for a daily journal entry, and another entry (in the
morning she has 20-30 minutes waiting for the bus) where she will write

out
what happened that day (just short sentences, to focus on the tangible

here
and now, not somewhere in her imagination), or what she will do after
school. I don't know. I really don't care what its about as much as her
gaining some experience in structure to communicate her thoughts clearly

....
and to stick to reality enough to communicate to ME things she's supposed
to.


Why does she have to write? Can't she read a book? Her thoughts are her
own, if she wants to fantasize and imagine castles/dragons or whatever let
her... Does she speak? I'm apt to think that she's communicating with you
right now I hear the child loud and clear... You need to listen to what
she's saying not writing... She's telling you that at this moment she's not
interested in writing her thoughts down and she's trying to gain a wee bit
of independance she's fighting for control of this one aspect of her life...


Example: About Nov. she came home and said something about having "played
bells today" (she's in band at school). Okay. Bells are a percussion
instrument, she's in percussion, although I specifically had signed her up
for drums. Bought her book, sticks, the stuff. No mention of any more.


You signed her up for drums and she came home playing bells... Did you call
the school and ask why? Or did you grill her for information?

First
week of January she's complaining. Drums are too easy, bells are too hard,
and besides she can't ever practice the bells because she doesn't have one
at home, and by the way the teacher has some for sale for just $200!!!


Ahhhhhhhh so does that mean she has an interest in the bells?
Interesting... She doesn't like the drums... More interesting (SHES
COMMUNICATING -- you aren't listening)

Turns
out they had switched her to bells (back in Nov?) but neither the school

nor
the kid bothered to clearly let me know this. Guess I was supposed to be
telephathic and go out and buy such a thing (I'm not even sure WHAT she

was
playing) or something. I had/have a number of issues with the band
instructor about this whole thing. Problem is, this is the type of
communication I get from her, and it can't happen.


Ummmmm She's 10... They give you the information and YOU have to deal with
the adults she did tell you you weren't listening... Maybe you should get
the Band instructor to create a journal for you -- Perhaps then you would
know what was going on with band and you wouldn't have to grill the child
for details OR when you are given a crumb of info you can call the
instructor yourself and figure it out...


I've been put in tight
spots because of it and then get hassled by the school (or someone else
depending on the situation) for not keeping up my responsibility. My
perspective is that the adult shouldn't ASSUME the child is going to pass
the info along to the parent, and should verify that its happening. But
also, the kid needs to learn to communicate to ME. Part of the reason

she's
restricted is for a few failures to communicate thru the holidays.


She Is communicating... YOU aren't listening! She did pass on the
information you dropped the ball!


Does this make sense? Any suggestions?

In a tyrannical sort of way it DOES make sense... I suggest you LISTEN when
your child talks... those tidbits mean a lot when you LEARN to listen
effectively...

HTH,
Kim


  #4  
Old January 25th 04, 05:14 PM
Cele
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Suggestions?

On Sat, 24 Jan 2004 21:47:54 -0600, "127.0.0.1"
wrote:


Does this make sense? Any suggestions?


One time I had a budgie. I was about ten. It was scared but I was
*determined* it would be a pet. I put my hand in the cage and grabbed
it and tried to stroke it but it fought like crazy. I was very
stubborn. I wasn't going to hurt it and I wanted it to hurry up and
trust me. I'll never forget overhearing someone say to my mother about
this, "but it has to *want* to be a pet!"

Your daughter has to *want* to communicate. There is nothing on earth
you can do to *force* her to communicate, and believe me when I tell
you that she's not going to do it until it feels safe to her. You're
not describing a very safe environment for communicating. You're
describing an environment where she *must* communicate in the way you
want, and on topics you want to hear about.

You make allusions to having 'good reasons' for focusing on this.
Well, there are always excellent reasons to learn good communication
skills, but you don't learn them by having somebody else's demands
forced on you. You learn them by experimenting in a place where you'll
be able to make mistakes and learn which of your attempts work. You
probably didn't teach her to walk by standing her on her two feet at
eight months and letting her fall over and punishing her for falling
over until she figured out how to stay upright.

The things that motivate most people to communicate include knowing
that the response they'll get will make it worth their while. That is,
if telling someone something will excite their interest or cause a
pleasant exchange, they're likely to talk. If telling someone
something gets them criticism, interrogation or demands, they're going
to keep quiet, adults and children alike.

If I was you I would back right off. If you're having problems
communicating with the school, then deal directly with the school. Let
this child have some space. Communication is built on trust. Forget
communication and make cookies with her or take her canoeing or
something. The best communication I've ever had from my daughters has
taken place on long car rides and during recreational activities.
Well, until the elder one moved out. Now she phones me often.

Good luck. You can't control them - all you can do is help them learn
to control themselves.

Cele (single mother of daughters 16 & 18)


  #5  
Old January 25th 04, 11:54 PM
127.0.0.1
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Suggestions?


"Moon Shyne" wrote in message
...
The more you lean on this child, restrict this child, and make

unreasonable
demands on this child, the more she's going to close you out.

You want her to communicate in writing more? Read her stories.........

she's
communicating, though I suspect you may be missing her message.

She tells you she played bells at school today? Why didn't you ask more
questions.... and if she didn't answer, why didn't you call the school way

back
when?

The more I read your posts, the more it sounds like you are demanding that

this
10 year old child be some performer, who does precisely what you want her

to
do - why not explore who and what she truly is, and let her be that? I

can
practically guarantee that she'll be good at it.

She closes you out because no matter what she's done, it hasn't been good

enough
for you. Then you complain that she closed you out.

Let her open up without being condemned for it, and you might find that

you have
a child you actually like.


Guess I need to explain a bit better. The "communication" I'm looking for is
not about her secrets or just 'chatting' ... she does that. It's
communicating information to me that comes thru her from others. It's
important because I have a disability that requires such information be
communicated to me clearly and in a manner I can understand.

Read to her? I can't. Not because I can't read, but much of the time I can't
read BACK to you what is written. The 'condition' is termed aphasia, and
affects my reading, writing, and/or hearing, depending on the time of day
and my own physical state (i.e., nutrition, rested, etc.)

I'm not demanding that she perform something she doesn't know how to do. But
as a child, adults would generally follow up with me because she was a
child. Now, she'll take a message on the phone and either not tell me, or
not get the information straight ... sometimes not even who called. Even the
counselors talked to her at various times about this. I am a disabled
parent, and there are 'accommodations' that must exist in my household. This
is a requirement; she knows it, and she uses it. This is the reason for the
stricter requirements and boundaries. Its no different than if I were blind
and had a child leaving toys throughout the house that could cause injury,
or a deaf parent with a child who learned young to answer the phone or alert
to a doorbell. She's not a servant, but she's a member of my household. This
requires HER to adapt, and she can. About the 20 questions problem (not
answering a question with information). She uses this to avoid giving
information. It may take me hours to write out (because I can't verbalize)
the questions, and then the incident has to be brought up all over again, or
there have been more important consequences. She NEEDS TO TO COMMUNICATE
CLEARLY. It's not a choice.

BTW, she's been 'allowed' a lot of leeway; I was warned for years that I
didn't require more responsibility of her. Now I know why there was so much
concern.


  #6  
Old January 25th 04, 11:58 PM
127.0.0.1
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Suggestions?

More info before this goes on a tangent. I replied to Moon Shyne about the
reason for the communication.

Also, it's not her 'personal' things I want to have her communicate to me,
but her writing to other people and such gets her in the habit of putting
her thoughts on paper.

For me, its putting INFORMATION (or presenting it) in a way that can be
understood. She used to do this ... children are generally pretty direct. I
started having the problems when she decided to get vague, misleading
(intentionally?) and such.

All of the other 'writing exercises' are to develop the habit so that she
will communicate what is IMPORTANT better.

Does that help explain?


  #7  
Old February 12th 04, 07:22 AM
occupant
external usenet poster
 
Posts: n/a
Default Suggestions?

127.0.0.1 wrote:

Remember those piano lessons when you were a kid, or some such "torture"
that you absolutely hated. Probably survived it just by forgetting it as
quickly as possible? For me it was dishes. Lots of dishes. Seems whenever I
got into trouble I had to do the dishes. For 9+ people, three meals a day
(plus snacks for 7 kids), plus the cooking stuff. That meant drying them and
putting them away. (Looking back now, maybe my siblings got me into some of
that trouble on purpose LOL!) I HATED dishes! This was pre-dishwasher on the
market much less imagining affording one.

But ... I SURE got good at dishes! Realized it years later. Now I don't like
'em or hate 'em, I just do them when they need to be done. At one point,
hating them so much, I even read an article in one of my mother's mags that
gave tips on how to do them faster and easier and put it into practice. To
this day I do NOT appreciate having had to do all those dishes! but I
learned that some things just have to be done, get thru it, and get on with
life.

My kid doesn't do dishes; with her, it's a battle to get her to put it on
the counter, rinsed, stacked whatever. But this isn't about dishes.

I am a stickler for communicating. I have reasons that clear ongoing
communication has to happen in my house. Good reasons. Also, with computers
being part of life for a long! time, written communication, and
understanding what you read and applying it, seems even more important to me
that kids learn early.

February starts major task lists in our house for her; she will have a check
off daily of what she's supposed to do, and as we go it will be written out
in detail so I won't hear "You didn't tell me that!" and such. I put a lot
of work into it. But it doesn't solve the problem of HER communication with
me. I've taken care of letting her know as clearly as I possibly can what is
expected of her, but getting feedback involves 20 questions (more like 50,
and you still don't get an answer!) Forget about having a conversation! When
you ask, "Did you understand that?" (answer, "sure" but she can't repeat it
back) and "What are you thinking while I'm talking to you?" (answer, "How
can I get out of this conversation"), I certainly don't have the stamina to
figure out her train of thought on anything else.

So I've tried getting her to write ... you name it, a journal, letters to
family or her dad, pen pals, ANYTHING. Even did the assigned question thing,
which, when she acted like she didn't understand what a piece of paper was,
got to the point I had her writing out words she claimed to not understand
(like "behavior" which was a good one), or to clarify what she did
understand. (I really liked that exercise! Wish I could keep her doing it!)
I did the checklist thing ... what did you do today, how do you feel about,
etc. All have been failures over the past year. She does it a couple of
times, then causes a serious problem or disruption to avoid it.

THIS time, she has to write 30 minutes before dinner or no dinner until its
done. If not done by bedtime, oh well. Otherwise she NEVER finishes a 1-2
paragraph page!

I've searched online for journal writing stuff for kids, but haven't really
found anything that seems close or even right for this type of thing. I
don't want to do the checklist thing again, but she's really too young (10)
to give her the essay with too few restrictions. Its not that she can't
write. She'll sit and write up part of an imaginary story just to entertain
herself. But she can't communicate! She's done better in the past at
focusing when she's writing to one of her buddies (reason for the penpal
idea, which she blew off!), but usually then its about things I really can't
comprehend at all.

Seeking suggestions for a daily journal entry, and another entry (in the
morning she has 20-30 minutes waiting for the bus) where she will write out
what happened that day (just short sentences, to focus on the tangible here
and now, not somewhere in her imagination), or what she will do after
school. I don't know. I really don't care what its about as much as her
gaining some experience in structure to communicate her thoughts clearly ...
and to stick to reality enough to communicate to ME things she's supposed
to.

Example: About Nov. she came home and said something about having "played
bells today" (she's in band at school). Okay. Bells are a percussion
instrument, she's in percussion, although I specifically had signed her up
for drums. Bought her book, sticks, the stuff. No mention of any more. First
week of January she's complaining. Drums are too easy, bells are too hard,
and besides she can't ever practice the bells because she doesn't have one
at home, and by the way the teacher has some for sale for just $200!!! Turns
out they had switched her to bells (back in Nov?) but neither the school nor
the kid bothered to clearly let me know this. Guess I was supposed to be
telephathic and go out and buy such a thing (I'm not even sure WHAT she was
playing) or something. I had/have a number of issues with the band
instructor about this whole thing. Problem is, this is the type of
communication I get from her, and it can't happen. I've been put in tight
spots because of it and then get hassled by the school (or someone else
depending on the situation) for not keeping up my responsibility. My
perspective is that the adult shouldn't ASSUME the child is going to pass
the info along to the parent, and should verify that its happening. But
also, the kid needs to learn to communicate to ME. Part of the reason she's
restricted is for a few failures to communicate thru the holidays.

Does this make sense? Any suggestions?


Without being too harsh - read most of your post - I got the idea that
that it is a one way street. You are communicating to her but she is
not
communicating to you. There is only one reason that anyone, regardless
of age,
doesn't communicate with someone. And that is because the person
listening
doesn't want to hear it. It doesn't sound like you are listening.

Let me give you an example. At 50 years of age I have lived long enough
and
have experienced enough of life that when I pass anyone particularly
much younger,
by the language they use, the body movement and expressions, you can
tell pretty much what
they are thinking and talking about. You don't need to hear lots of
conversations or read lots of journals. I work with a young women who
is tired all the time and says she does nothing all weekend and at other
times.
Well, I know, without her even telling me that she is doing what young
people do
24/7. She is also not eating properly because she has been taught be
society
to watch her figure until wedding and first born have been acquired.
Work
related conversations, how she views others and how she tells stories
about
things she reads, sees, or otherwise experiences tells you everything
you
need to know.

You daughter is going to be the person she is going to be whether you
like it
in part, in whole or not. You have the option of being supportive and
enjoying
it, whatever, it is, or of being left out in the cold. It is your
choice.
This is posted in a single parent news group. Understand that if this
is the case
your daughter may not have had the benefit of a father's influence.
This is not
good or bad as such but it may be something you had.

From rereading your post, it hints that you may blame others for all
that is not
perfect in life. Listen to others, everyone very, very, carefully.
They will ever
so politely tell you the truth, like it or not. Accept the truth and
learn from it.
It is the greatest single free gift you will ever get. It is even more
meaningful if it is from your daughter. Good Luck.
 




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