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Etiquette Question - wedding invites



 
 
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  #81  
Old July 22nd 06, 05:25 PM posted to misc.kids.breastfeeding
cjra
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Default Etiquette Question - wedding invites


Catherine Woodgold wrote:
"cjra" ) writes:
if their names are not on the invitation, they *are* explicitly
excluded.


I disagree. In some cultures, not having their names on
the invitation may implicitly exclude them, but not explicitly.


Ok, implicitly then. If someone's name is not on an invitation, they
are not invited. It's not appropriate to put 'no kids' on an invitation
(tho it is commonly done). In which cultures is it the norm to assume
someone is invited even if not on an invitation?

  #82  
Old July 22nd 06, 05:30 PM posted to misc.kids.breastfeeding
cjra
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Default Etiquette Question - wedding invites


Cheri Stryker wrote:
Leslie wrote:
I'm glad you've found a way to make it work!

Just a point of etiquette--the ONLY people invited to the wedding are
those whose names are on the invitation. Therefore, if only your name
and that of your husband were on the invitation, then only the two of
you were invited.

Leslie


Hunh. No one told me that when I was getting married. Good thing I put
"and family" on all of them.....


That simply says anyone in the family is invited - how they determine
which family members that means is left open. Officially that's not
proper US etiquette, and it can pose a problem if it's interpreted to
mean 10 distant cousins you've never even heard of.

That said, we also wrote 'and family' because it made the most sense
for those whom we were inviting.

(we had some relatives my husband hadn't seen in 10+ years, and I swear,
a couple he'd never even met!)
--
Cheri Stryker

mom to DS1 - 7 yrs, and DS2 - 3.5 months

Check out my new breastfeeding T-shirts on CafePress!
http://www.cafepress.com/dancingbones


  #83  
Old July 23rd 06, 04:44 PM posted to misc.kids.breastfeeding
Anne Rogers
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Posts: 1,497
Default Etiquette Question - wedding invites

I believe the OP of this sub-thread said that she wouldn't stay close to
friends who did not *like* children, not those who did not *have*
children.


that's exactly right!

I have friends without children, but I don't think I know anyone who
doesn't like children. If I did, I wonder if we could have a friendship?
Being a mom is a huge part of my identity, and I don't know if we could
relate to each other.


absolutely, in fact my closest friends remain people without children, and
weren't even people who were particularly into children, at least not young
children, but when it is a child of a close friend for them it seems things
changed, it was similar to how you might feel if you had a niece or
nephew.ne

Cheers

Anne


  #84  
Old July 23rd 06, 04:48 PM posted to misc.kids.breastfeeding
Anne Rogers
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Default Etiquette Question - wedding invites

My dp's sister doesn't like children but she is very fond of William
and is one of his 4 non-god parents. She is always interested in how he
is getting on and is really pleased when he grins at her lamby noises.
We always got on really well and whilst at first I was quite miffed
that she wasn't as keen to coo over William when he was born as
everyone else was, it hasn't affected our friendship in the least. We
were friends for 8 years before he was born so I couldn't imagine
chucking that away because she doesn't like children. If she made it a
problem then it might be different but we are both adult enough to
accept we have made different choices in life and to respect each
others feeling on kids.


doesn't like children in what way? in that she doesn't want her own? she
likes William by the sounds of things.

I definitely had a mixture, with some friends barely able to keep away,
desperate to see the new one, others much more casual.

There are different levels of not likeing children, I have a friend who is
dead against having her own, yet loves to help out with Sunday School. Then
there are people who don't like children and who just could not meet you
with them present, that is when it would be really hard to substain a
friendship

Anne


  #85  
Old July 23rd 06, 04:57 PM posted to misc.kids.breastfeeding
Anne Rogers
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Default Etiquette Question - wedding invites

The way it was sounding, it seemed that what Anne was trying to say was
that just because this couple didn't want the OP's baby at the wedding,
that must mean they weren't really her friends. I don't know whether that
was really how it was meant, but it seemed well over the top to conclude
that purely from the couple wanting their wedding to be child-free.


no that wasn't what it meant at all, what I meant was that a true friend
would understand why you couldn't come, which would either mean they changed
there decision about the invite, they may just plain have not understood
what it meant to be a breastfeeding mum, or they would regretfully explain
there decision and express there sorrow the new parents would not be there,
but also there understanding as to why that was so.

There is usually some room for manouvere with wedding invites, we had to
make some changes. Naturally we invited cousins, it turned out than one of
my cousins had a serious girlfriend we weren't aware of, should he have kept
quiet and not mentioned it? I don't think so, I'm glad that Rachel was
there, even if it was the first time I met her, but they were engaged
shortly afterwards and are now married. Similarly we invited a friend who is
disabled, his condition varies and at the time of the invite we'd not
expected him to need assistance, he delayed in replying not knowing what to
do, thankfully we realised and extended the invite, they responded with a
very generous gift.

Which is better, to respond formally and politely in the negative, or to
have a friendly chat, expecting nothing, but at least keeping communication
channels open?

Anne


  #86  
Old July 23rd 06, 05:00 PM posted to misc.kids.breastfeeding
Anne Rogers
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Posts: 1,497
Default Etiquette Question - wedding invites

Ok, implicitly then. If someone's name is not on an invitation, they
are not invited. It's not appropriate to put 'no kids' on an invitation
(tho it is commonly done). In which cultures is it the norm to assume
someone is invited even if not on an invitation?


Cypriot, it is assumed everyone is invited, particularly in village
situations, you would be unlikely to receive an invite, but it would be rude
not to either go or send apologies!

Anne


  #87  
Old July 23rd 06, 05:02 PM posted to misc.kids.breastfeeding
Anne Rogers
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Posts: 1,497
Default Etiquette Question - wedding invites


According to the etiquette books, you are not supposed to bring your
present
to the wedding. You are supposed to have it shipped to the couple's house
or
bride's mother's house that way the bride and groom don't have to worry
about transporting the gifts. When you are at the reception, you give
cards
to the best man or parents, but not to the couple directly. You may find
it
cynical, but it's the proper way to do it, according to the etiquette
gurus.


absolutely, but it's often difficult to do in the more spread out and
travelling world we live in. To do it that way would often have cost me as
much if not more than the gift, to either travel or pay postage!

Anne


  #88  
Old July 23rd 06, 05:05 PM posted to misc.kids.breastfeeding
Anne Rogers
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Posts: 1,497
Default Etiquette Question - wedding invites


What's not good etiquette in the UK? Responding to an invitation? I
don't get it. People who don't come to the wedding send a card to be read
at the reception? I've never heard of that. Shouldn't you let them know
in advance?


you'd turn down the invite first obviously! I think traditionally it would
be a telegram one would send, I believe you can still send them at great
expense!

Anne


  #89  
Old July 23rd 06, 05:44 PM posted to misc.kids.breastfeeding
KD
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Posts: 34
Default Etiquette Question - wedding invites


cjra wrote:
Catherine Woodgold wrote:
"cjra" ) writes:
if their names are not on the invitation, they *are* explicitly
excluded.


I disagree. In some cultures, not having their names on
the invitation may implicitly exclude them, but not explicitly.


Ok, implicitly then. If someone's name is not on an invitation, they
are not invited. It's not appropriate to put 'no kids' on an invitation
(tho it is commonly done). In which cultures is it the norm to assume
someone is invited even if not on an invitation?


Hmmm. On the invitation, our last name was misspelled badly enough to
be nearly unrecognizable. Does that mean we're not invited either?

Anyhow, due to lots of pressure from Mom and other family members, plus
the fact that I do want to see my family that I haven't seen in a long
time and introduce them to my baby, we're going. They've arranged to
have a sitter on site, so DS will be maybe two minutes away. We won't
stay long anyhow, just for the dinner probably.

KD

  #90  
Old July 23rd 06, 10:41 PM posted to misc.kids.breastfeeding
Sarah Vaughan
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Posts: 443
Default Etiquette Question - wedding invites

Anne Rogers wrote:

no that wasn't what it meant at all, what I meant was that a true friend
would understand why you couldn't come, which would either mean they changed
there decision about the invite, they may just plain have not understood
what it meant to be a breastfeeding mum, or they would regretfully explain
there decision and express there sorrow the new parents would not be there,
but also there understanding as to why that was so.


OK, with this I agree.

[...]
Which is better, to respond formally and politely in the negative, or to
have a friendly chat, expecting nothing, but at least keeping communication
channels open?


As I said, I think what's best is to write a friendly note expressing
sincere regret and just explaining (without further details) that you
can't be away from the baby for that long. That way, the couple know
what the problem is and can change their minds if they want to, but they
aren't put under pressure to do so (ringing them to tell them how little
trouble the baby would be if they changed their minds and invited her
may be meant as a friendly chat, but it does still put them under at
least some pressure).


All the best,

Sarah
--
http://www.goodenoughmummy.typepad.com

"That which can be destroyed by the truth, should be" - P. C. Hodgell
 




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