TTC - Introduction & Pick me up required (warning - long)

Hi all - this is my first post ever so please be kind!!

I've been lurking in this group for a few years (since I was pregant
with ds 6 years ago) but have never taken the (for me) big step of
joining in the discussion.

Anyway, here is a bit of info about me - I've been married to DH for
almost 11 years (I will be 36 in the next few weeks). Overall, I
would say that we have a pretty strong relationship, although we have
had our issues over the years - who hasn't?

We have a wonderful 5.5 year old son who is the light of our lives
(living with a 5 year old boy is a whole other topic - but a good
one!). My husband has a very demanding and time consuming (and
extremely well paid) job while I am self employed as an accountant and
able to pick and choose the hours that I work.

On paper (or on your computer screen), it seems like I have the
perfect life, so why am I miserable? Well, we've been trying to
conceive a second child for over three years. We didn't worry too
much the first two years - we conceived very quickly the first time
and realized that we weren't necessarily going to be that lucky the
second time around so we were patient. After two years had gone by,
we began to see a fertility specialist and have gone through the usual
battery of tests: hormone levels, sperm counts, even laparoscopic
surgery to rule out endometriosis. Basically, there is no medical
reason for us not to conceive another child - except that it hasn't
happened. I have been on Clomid (sp?) for the last three months with
no success (but a whole bunch of symptoms). The next step(s) would be
artificial insemination and/or IVF which we are not willing to take -
for various reasons.

So now I get to the point of my post - I am now in the process of
"letting go" of my hopes of having another child and it hurts a lot.
I have let the hope of another child rule my life for the last couple
of years. The older ds gets, the more difficult it is to imagine
going back to sleepless nights and diapers. Also, I have purposely
held back my career thinking that I would be otherwise occupied and it
hasn't really been a good thing for me. So from a practical point of
view, it seems that the best course of action is to just get on with
life - be happy with what you have and not worry about what you don't
have. I believe this all to be true, but I can't deny that there is a
hollow part inside as I think about what might have been...

Although I realize that I've been very fortunate in a lot of respects
(and I do appreciate it), I still am having a difficult time dealing
with this situation. For example, my sister-in-law just had her
second baby and while I am happy for her and my brother (really!) I am
also extremely jealous. I smile and nod and do everything that is
expected, but inside I just think - it's not fair!

Anyway, I realize that I'm rambling now. I guess I just want to know
if anyone has been in this situation before and, if so, how they dealt
with it.

Michelle

Hi Michelle

I'm sorry - I haven't been in your situation but my heart does go out to
you.

I have heard that pregnancy can happen when you least expect it - when you
are relaxed and not stressed out about conceiving - just enjoying being
together with your partner. Our pregnancy snuck up on us after I lost some
weight and was a lot happier. Who knows.....

But you're right - It isn't fair.

I hope your future is brighter.

Hugs from Camille




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Michelle Gibson wrote:

So now I get to the point of my post - I am now in the process of
"letting go" of my hopes of having another child and it hurts a lot.
I have let the hope of another child rule my life for the last couple
of years. The older ds gets, the more difficult it is to imagine
going back to sleepless nights and diapers. Also, I have purposely
held back my career thinking that I would be otherwise occupied and it
hasn't really been a good thing for me. So from a practical point of
view, it seems that the best course of action is to just get on with
life - be happy with what you have and not worry about what you don't
have. I believe this all to be true, but I can't deny that there is a
hollow part inside as I think about what might have been...

I'm sorry things have been so challenging for you.
I have not had to endure infertility, so I won't pretend
that I understand that. What I would ask though, is if
you would consider another route to expanding your family
if that's what you really want? I hear you about thinking
about career issues and going back to sleepless nights and
diapers. That was certainly an issue for us with a 6 year
gap between #2 and #3. In our case, the gap wasn't due to
infertility but to the fact that it took us that long to
decide that we were ready, willing, and able to bring a
third child into our family. I won't lie and say that
bringing a baby into the mix after having the luxury
of kids who were much more independent isn't a challenge.
There are days I whack myself in the head and ask what
the heck I was thinking! ;-) And it has certainly
complicated my work life (I work part time, mostly
telecommuting). I was at the point where I had all
day while the kids were in school to work in peace or
go in for meetings, and now I'm back to having to arrange
childcare for those situations. On the other hand, for
*us* it was still the right thing.
Is that "hollow part" you feel something you
can live with? While I firmly believe that the vast
majority of people can decide to be happy with the
life they're leading, even if it's not their first
choice, I think it's also true that when it's *possible*
to make a choice, sometimes the crazy choice is the
right one ;-) It all depends on what you think you
can live with and what your goals are for your life.
Even though it seems that moving on is the sensible
choice for you (holding at two was probably the
sensible choice for us), if you know in your heart
that another child is right for you I'd be inclined
to chuck caution to the wind and consider adoption.
On the other hand, maybe you know in your heart that
the right thing for your family is to move on, in which
case that's the way to go and I truly believe that you
will come to peace with that decision. I know people
who've done that and who, years later, feel very
comfortable with their decision.
I guess ultimately, what I'm saying is to
be guided by what you know is right for your family,
but don't be constrained by the limits of your own
body or some external notion of what's sensible or
appropriate. It's okay to do something crazy if it's
really right for your family ;-) When you make your
decision based on what you know is right for your
family, you will come to peace about it eventually.
I believe it's usually when you ignore what you know
to be true that you end up regretting things later.

Best wishes whatever happens!
Ericka

"Michelle Gibson" wrote in message
om...
Hi all - this is my first post ever so please be kind!!

I've been lurking in this group for a few years (since I was pregant
with ds 6 years ago) but have never taken the (for me) big step of
joining in the discussion.

Anyway, here is a bit of info about me - I've been married to DH for
almost 11 years (I will be 36 in the next few weeks). Overall, I
would say that we have a pretty strong relationship, although we have
had our issues over the years - who hasn't?

We have a wonderful 5.5 year old son who is the light of our lives
(living with a 5 year old boy is a whole other topic - but a good
one!). My husband has a very demanding and time consuming (and
extremely well paid) job while I am self employed as an accountant and
able to pick and choose the hours that I work.

On paper (or on your computer screen), it seems like I have the
perfect life, so why am I miserable? Well, we've been trying to
conceive a second child for over three years. We didn't worry too
much the first two years - we conceived very quickly the first time
and realized that we weren't necessarily going to be that lucky the
second time around so we were patient. After two years had gone by,
we began to see a fertility specialist and have gone through the usual
battery of tests: hormone levels, sperm counts, even laparoscopic
surgery to rule out endometriosis. Basically, there is no medical
reason for us not to conceive another child - except that it hasn't
happened. I have been on Clomid (sp?) for the last three months with
no success (but a whole bunch of symptoms). The next step(s) would be
artificial insemination and/or IVF which we are not willing to take -
for various reasons.

So now I get to the point of my post - I am now in the process of
"letting go" of my hopes of having another child and it hurts a lot.
I have let the hope of another child rule my life for the last couple
of years. The older ds gets, the more difficult it is to imagine
going back to sleepless nights and diapers. Also, I have purposely
held back my career thinking that I would be otherwise occupied and it
hasn't really been a good thing for me. So from a practical point of
view, it seems that the best course of action is to just get on with
life - be happy with what you have and not worry about what you don't
have. I believe this all to be true, but I can't deny that there is a
hollow part inside as I think about what might have been...

Although I realize that I've been very fortunate in a lot of respects
(and I do appreciate it), I still am having a difficult time dealing
with this situation. For example, my sister-in-law just had her
second baby and while I am happy for her and my brother (really!) I am
also extremely jealous. I smile and nod and do everything that is
expected, but inside I just think - it's not fair!

Anyway, I realize that I'm rambling now. I guess I just want to know
if anyone has been in this situation before and, if so, how they dealt
with it.

Michelle

Hi Michelle,
It took us a while to conceive DD ... also had a battery of tests that
suggested that nothing was medically preventing pregnancy (although I did
have endometriosis on a ligament but nothing on any of the "important" bits.
I ended up seeing a chiropractor who found a slight curvature of my lower
spine right at the point that the nerves for the reproductive system emerge
from teh spinal column (obvious on x-ray but otherwise not really
noticeable).
After beginning treatment, I was pg with DD in 4 weeks and have conceived
straight away the last two times (one m/c though).
I just suggest this in the hope that it might help, but won't be offended if
you choose to ignore the info.
Amanda

--
DD 15th August 2002
1 tiny angel Nov 2003
EDD 19th August 2004

I'm so sorry for all that you're going through. Please stay here if
you'd like more support; I believe there is also a newsgroup for
secondary infertility that might be helplful to you as well. Good luck
in your journey.

Mary S.
mom to the Sproutkin
and a new wee babysprout, due Oct. 1


On paper (or on your computer screen), it seems like I have the
perfect life, so why am I miserable? Well, we've been trying to
conceive a second child for over three years. We didn't worry too
much the first two years - we conceived very quickly the first time
and realized that we weren't necessarily going to be that lucky the
second time around so we were patient. After two years had gone by,
we began to see a fertility specialist and have gone through the usual
battery of tests: hormone levels, sperm counts, even laparoscopic
surgery to rule out endometriosis. Basically, there is no medical
reason for us not to conceive another child - except that it hasn't
happened. I have been on Clomid (sp?) for the last three months with
no success (but a whole bunch of symptoms). The next step(s) would be
artificial insemination and/or IVF which we are not willing to take -
for various reasons.

So now I get to the point of my post - I am now in the process of
"letting go" of my hopes of having another child and it hurts a lot.

Michelle Gibson wrote:

Anyway, I realize that I'm rambling now. I guess I just want to know
if anyone has been in this situation before and, if so, how they dealt
with it.

My secondary infertility was directly related to my primary infertility
but there are a few ladies that have gone through what you have on
alt.infertility.secondary

I suggest you read the FAQ located at
http://www.fertilityplus.org/faq/infertility.html

The following is taken from the FAQ regarding the Secondary Group:

Secondary infertility is the inability to conceive again after one or
more successful pregnancies.

This group is open to all who wish to discuss infertility, but be aware
that most in the group have already successfully birthed and are raising
at least one child. Some in the group have multiple children in their
home. Children are discussed in many posts. The group hopes to have an
open forum for anyone wishing to discuss infertility issues along with
discussion of children. The group primarily encompasses emotional issues
related to secondary infertility. Parenting after infertility is also
discussed.

The group includes those who had no prior infertility with having a
child/children, but are now experiencing trouble achieving another
pregnancy. The group also includes those who have had prior infertility
perhaps of long duration involving extensive treatment to have a
child/children and are now trying to achieve another pregnancy.

Cross posting to other infertility groups should be avoided to prevent
inadvertent upset by the mentioning of children to those who may be
feeling sensitive.

Some discussions might include:

* Fear of a growing age difference between siblings.
* Concerns of having an only child.
* A child asking for a sibling.
* Pressure by society to have a second child.
* Overprotection issues of raising an only child.
* Discussions about adoption as way to raise additional children.
* Fertile friends, family, and co-workers having children easily.
* Finding a babysitter so you can have medical treatment.

--
Brigitte aa #2145
http://ca.geocities.com/bironmonger/
Please excuse the quality. It is under construction and I am still
learning. :-)

"Readers are plentiful; thinkers are rare."
~ Harriet Martineau

"Michelle Gibson" wrote in message
om...
Hi all - this is my first post ever so please be kind!!

We're TTC#1 at the moment and have just lost our first at 4 weeks (I feel
daft being so upset!) and although we're nowhere near at your point of
frustration yet, but I do wish you all the luck in the world in whatever you
decide. Often its just relaxing and letting things go that means you get
what you want....if that makes sense.

Anyway, good luck to you.

Jen

snipped body of original message

Ericka Kammerer wrote in message ...

I'm sorry things have been so challenging for you.
I have not had to endure infertility, so I won't pretend
that I understand that. What I would ask though, is if
you would consider another route to expanding your family
if that's what you really want? I hear you about thinking
about career issues and going back to sleepless nights and
diapers. That was certainly an issue for us with a 6 year
gap between #2 and #3. In our case, the gap wasn't due to
infertility but to the fact that it took us that long to
decide that we were ready, willing, and able to bring a
third child into our family. I won't lie and say that
bringing a baby into the mix after having the luxury
of kids who were much more independent isn't a challenge.
There are days I whack myself in the head and ask what
the heck I was thinking! ;-) And it has certainly
complicated my work life (I work part time, mostly
telecommuting). I was at the point where I had all
day while the kids were in school to work in peace or
go in for meetings, and now I'm back to having to arrange
childcare for those situations. On the other hand, for
*us* it was still the right thing.
Is that "hollow part" you feel something you
can live with? While I firmly believe that the vast
majority of people can decide to be happy with the
life they're leading, even if it's not their first
choice, I think it's also true that when it's *possible*
to make a choice, sometimes the crazy choice is the
right one ;-) It all depends on what you think you
can live with and what your goals are for your life.
Even though it seems that moving on is the sensible
choice for you (holding at two was probably the
sensible choice for us), if you know in your heart
that another child is right for you I'd be inclined
to chuck caution to the wind and consider adoption.
On the other hand, maybe you know in your heart that
the right thing for your family is to move on, in which
case that's the way to go and I truly believe that you
will come to peace with that decision. I know people
who've done that and who, years later, feel very
comfortable with their decision.
I guess ultimately, what I'm saying is to
be guided by what you know is right for your family,
but don't be constrained by the limits of your own
body or some external notion of what's sensible or
appropriate. It's okay to do something crazy if it's
really right for your family ;-) When you make your
decision based on what you know is right for your
family, you will come to peace about it eventually.
I believe it's usually when you ignore what you know
to be true that you end up regretting things later.

Best wishes whatever happens!
Ericka


Ericka,

Thanks for your thoughtful response. You make a lot of very good
points.

I have let the idea of a second child consume me for 2.5 years (we've
been TTC for 3 years but I didn't worry for the first 6 months or so),
so I set a self imposed deadline after which I wanted to give up and
move on. The "deadline" had passed and I was depressed - hence my
original post.

You are correct about my wanting to do the "sensible" thing - I've
been that way all my life (hey I'm an accountant - it's in the DNA).
I'm glad that you reminded me that the "sensible" way is not always
the best way.

In my heart of hearts, I know that I will be disappointed if we can't
have a second child. My son teaches me the meaning of love every day
- not to mention being a funny kid - and the difficulties involved in
having a baby do go by quickly (even if they don't seem to at the
time).

I'm in a much more positive frame of mind now. We are planning a big
vacation in August, so I've deferred my job search until then. I'm
also trying not obsess about it too much.

Thanks again,

Michelle

DeliciousTruffles wrote in message ...
My secondary infertility was directly related to my primary infertility
but there are a few ladies that have gone through what you have on
alt.infertility.secondary

I suggest you read the FAQ located at
http://www.fertilityplus.org/faq/infertility.html

snipped the rest of the message.

Thanks for the advice. I will definitely check out this newsgroup.

Michelle

"BRC" wrote in message ...
"Michelle Gibson" wrote in message
om...
Hi all - this is my first post ever so please be kind!!

We're TTC#1 at the moment and have just lost our first at 4 weeks (I feel
daft being so upset!) and although we're nowhere near at your point of
frustration yet, but I do wish you all the luck in the world in whatever you
decide. Often its just relaxing and letting things go that means you get
what you want....if that makes sense.

Anyway, good luck to you.

Jen

Sorry for your loss Jen, there's absolutely nothing wrong with being
upset.

I don't mean to single you out but I just have to add, because it is
one of those days, that relaxing and letting go has nothing to do with
conceiving or maintaining a pregnancy. Nothing. As a matter of fact I
have never achieved anything by "letting it go" -- didn't get myself
educated and well employed that way, didn't meet a great husband by
just letting go of the idea, didn't get a house by wishing for it, so
I guess I'm not the type to just let go of the idea of having a child
in the hopes that I will somehow magically get what I want after all
this time. Sometimes you need to get aggressive about things, and make
agonizing decisions.

Michelle I hope that you and your family can soon arrive at a decision
about growing your family. The uncertainty is terrible, and it is so
consuming to try so hard for so long with no answers. Don't feel like
you have to adhere to your self- imposed deadline -- you can always
push it back one cycle at a time, or stop any time you want whether
you've reached the deadline or not.

Also, you can always pursue other goals while continuing to try to
conceive or while you investigate other ways of growing your family,
if that is what you choose. If your feelings of hollowness are
persistent, perhaps you aren't quite ready to stop yet.

Best of luck to you and your family

Elle
TTC 2.5 years
2 ectopics
1 m/c